BARRY
- Howdy. - Here we go.
I understand our sons got into a bit of a fight.
Yeah, they sure did.
I'm sorry I hit you.
How do you not know Call of Duty?
You got to admit, it's kind of weird he never heard of Call of Duty.
The game's been around for years. There's like 15 versions of it.
We don't play video games at our house.
- But that's okay if you all do. - That's weird.
Hey, why don't you tell him the thing we talked about. Go on.
I hope we can be together next time in harmony.
We'll look into that. Come on, pal.
I wish Travis was nice to me after I apologized.
We can't control other people, bud. We can only control ourselves.
The more I think about it, the more I want to punch him again.
That's called insecurity.
You keep practicing what you just did over there,
and you grow, and you'll be a better person for it.
But even his dad wasn't nice.
I picked up on that. You didn't see me get made, did you?
No.
I know how you feel, buddy. Your dad used to get mad a lot.
But, eventually, I was able to control those feelings.
And then I had you, and I changed. I'm really proud of you.
It's a hard thing that you did.
You messed up, but you took responsibility for it.
It's the right way to live.
Let dad do that. It's always a better idea. Let dad do it.
- Okay. - Here we go.
Now, pick it up. Pick it up.
Is the penny, as well as the five dollar bill.
Lincoln was born February 12,1809 in Kentucky.
His family was very poor and lived in a one-room log cabin.
When Lincoln was only nine years old, his mother suddenly died.
Stupid bull got up there and got his horn stuck in my bumper,
about pulled it off. So now, I gotta replace that.
Here y'all go. Got your breakfast right here.
- Thank you, Miss Emily. - Now, who needs a warm-up?
I'll take one.
Kyle? How you doing this morning? You enjoying a short stack?
I sure am, Miss Ginny.
I'm gonna need a fucking Xany.
Hey, did I tell you? Amber made cheer squad.
That's so great. You must be so proud.
We're having a big shindig to celebrate. You should come.
- We're gonna fry a turkey. - I'd love to, but we got Clark's mom.
Well, bring them all.
Yeah, I know. But she's hooked up to all them machines,
and I'm afraid to unplug them.
- That's fuckin' stressful. - Yep. She is real stressful.
Bevel told me he jerks off to you.
Hey, Emily. What are you doing right now?
Cashing out.
That's really fucking cool.
Cool.
And apparently, he was a lawyer before he became the president.
- Did you know that? - I knew that, yeah.
I think it's a good thing for John to see that stuff.
That, despite his circumstances, he could be a lawyer.
Yeah, no, totally. I think it's great he's learning about all that now.
I don't think I learned about George Washington
or Abe Lincoln until I was much older.
Yeah, totally.
- What else did you guys learn about? - You mean, what else did I teach him?
Just basic math.
I want to get him into long division, math stuff, two plus two.
I think that what we try to do to come up with stuff!
Like division and things like that. That's what I'm hoping.
Hey, what do you guys want for dinner?
You know what I like about old Abe, and it's actually something I relate to,
he had this beautiful combination of pragmatism, optimism, and compromise.
Absolutely. I see that. No, what you said.
- Pragmatism, optimism, compromise. - And compromise.
'Cause I think that's the building blocks of anyone worth his salt. I do.
And he's now on a penny.
No, he's a real success story, that Abe Lincoln,
'cause he worked hard, and now he's on a penny.
And a lot of pennies can buy you socks,
shoelaces. You use those, I've seen you.
- Hair pins. - He's an intricate part of our life.
How's your food, John? Pretty good, right? Chicken pot pie.
- You gotta stop drinking at work. - I don't drink at work.
- Sally, you came home drunk. - I know, but I didn't drink at work.
- But it's got to stop. - You drink beer.
- I'm throwing the wine away. - You drink beer.
Yeah, I drink beer, and I know when to stop.
You're setting a terrible example for our son.
- You understand? - I'll stop when you stop.
I'm not horse trading with you, okay? Let's try to unwind with no drinks.
Please? Sally, don't answer me with a look.
Today, I'm going to tell you all the messed-up shit Abraham Lincoln did
that you'll never find in history books.
Number six on today's countdown of Heroes Exposed is old Honest Abe.
I love Tom, and I think I'm ready to get married.
Marriage is like a package of jellybeans. At first, it's fantastic.
Strawberry, watermelon, grape? And then one day, you get black licorice,
and you think to yourself, "Why did I get these jellybeans?"
But, Mom, what if I love black licorice?
Honey, nobody likes black licorice.
The more you focus on your pain the more you focus on your pity,
the bigger it gets and the more you doubt God.
In moments like this, I think of Daniel in the Lion's Den.
If Daniel were to focus on those lions, how would he sleep?
He wouldn't!
He'd be scared to death, waiting to be eaten alive.
Now, how did he survive?
He survived because he focused not on the lions but God.
See, you can't focus on the pain, the pity, the fear.
You focus on what made those lions. God.
God will deliver us.
God acts on behalf of those who wait for him.
- Peace be with you. - And also with you.
Now, give thanks, and may you go in love and peace.
- Peace be with you. - Peace be with you.
Peace be with you, pal.
Look at everything God's given us, John!
It's beautiful. We got to honor it. You know what I mean?
Got to keep everything on God's land safe.
Everything from the ants to the giant trees.
- There's giant trees? - Oh, yeah. It's nuts.
You got to honor humans.
You got to honor Dad. Dad's got to honor you.
- What about Mom? - Mom? Sure. Got to honor Mom.
- She cries a lot. - Yes, she does. But you know what?
Like I've said, there's happy cry, and then there's sad cry,
and then there's mom cry. And that can be very loud and scary.
I feel like I have a pretty good way of talking her down.
As long as I'm calm. Just saying, "You need to stop yeling..."
So close.
- All right. - That was a pretty good throw.
I thought you said you didn't know how to play!
You're getting the hang of it. Maybe a little wild, but you got this.
There you go. Now you got this.
Here, you can have this. You're good enough to play right field.
Yeah?
Yeah, so next time your dad takes a nap, why don't you come on over
to my place and I can show you how to hit? It's not that hard.
- Okay. Thanks. - All good.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
Does your mom wear hair on top of her own hair?
- Hey, Dad? - Yeah?
- Did you get that comforter? - No.
My room is cold.
John, do you know the story of the feeding of the five thousand?
Jesus was in the desert with a bunch of his buddies.
About five thousand of them. And they were all hungry,
and all they had was a piece of fish and a piece of bread.
You know what Jesus did?
He multiplied it all, and he fed all of them.
- So, you did get my comforter? - No.
The point of the story is that God gives you exactly what you need.
And don't whine.
Ooh, my Lincoln book. Thank you. I need that.
- Go check him. - Hey. Todd! You okay?
Okay? Wake up, Todd. You better call somebody.
Oh, my god. Noah!
My god, he's not breathing.
- Noah! - Should we call for help?
Mom?
John? What's wrong?
I don't want to get killed by a baseball.
What? Who told you that?
Daddy.
Can you come lay with me?
You better do it, right! Sicko, motherfucker!
Nice car!
Yeah, he's in jail.
- And this is your brother? - Dom, yeah.
- Did anyone die in the robbery? - Fuckin' teller.
The guy he was robbing the bank. We fuckin' blasted this poor teller.
How'd that make your brother feel?
What do you mean, how did it make him feel?
You rob a fuckin' bank, the probability of someone gettin' jacked is high.
That's hot.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
You ever done anything like that?
- What, blast some fools? - Yeah.
- And how did it make you feel?
- Like a god. - Like a bad boy god?
- Are you a bad boy? - You know it, girl.
- Give me your foot. - What?
No, take your shoe off.
- What do you think of that? - Impressive.
All I do at night is think about your mouth on my dick.
Okay.
- Like, you're sucking it. - I got it.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Fuck, girl!
Don't suck this shit now, I'm gonna explode.
Stop.
I won't tell anyone.
I know.
- I'm sorry. - No, you're not.
That looks like it is the last of it.
Wait a minute. What's that over there?
- I don't know. - Why don't you go check it out?
It's got your picture. And medals and stuff.
Where did you find this? I've been looking for this.
You were in war?
John, I was gonna wait to tell you this.
Let's do this in the swing.
I was in war. I was a Marine.
- A soldier? - Yeah. Marines are the best soldiers.
Some call me Marine. Other people, they call me a hero,
but I don't like putting labels on things.
You wanna keep that in your room?
You know, I found out some interesting information
about our buddy, Abe Lincoln.
Turns out, he had a bunch of Native Americans killed, executed.
He also proposed to black people that they go back to Africa.
He got hundreds of men killed at Shiloh and Antietam?
News to me.
Saint Augustin? The man was addicted to bath houses, John.
Now he's third most googled saint something like that?
Gandhi, the original hippie.
He... Wait...
Gandhi, what'd he do? His wife had pneumonia.
Doctors said you got to give her penicillin,
but he said no because of religious beliefs.
But then when he got malaria, he said give me the drugs.
Tricky legacy.
Fuck.
It's the other one, honey.
You and John go get in the bathtub.
This summer she's back and looking for vengeance:
"Megagirls Four".
And he is incorrigible. "Larry Chowder. The Magical Boy."
- Sorry, didn't know what to do. - It's fine. Where is he?
- He's over there. - Okay.
- He said he's Gene Cousineau? - That's what he said.
- Did he show you ID? - He didn't have any.
He didn't come in a car. He walked up.
I don't think it's him. Let me google image.
- What do you think? - I don't know. Both dudes are old.
Hi. Where did you come from?
I've been out of the country a long time.
Okay. And who did you want to speak with?
I'd like to talk to the person who runs Warner Brothers.
About what?
Something that's come to my attention recently.
- And what's that? - I would rather talk to him.
I work for him. I think you'll need to tell me and I'll relay it to him.
I would feel more comfortable talking to him.
- Well, I can't do that. - Why?
- I don't think you're Gene Cousineau. - Why?
Because he's been missing, presumed dead, for eight years.
If you're planning what I think you're planning,
you're gonna want to talk to me.
Keep him here.
Clean living. My whole life has been a testament to clean living.
I never touched the alcohol and the drugs, the crappy food.
Hell, I've been married the same woman since I was 18.
Years of clean living. You think I'd be able to judge people correctly, right?
Yeah.
- I thank you, Emily. - That's no problem.
You're a very brave woman.
Most people turn a blind eye, especially with a punk like Bevel.
I think what took me in was how much he reminded me of my grandson.
I thought some honest work
would show him the joys of clean living. And then...
He steals from you.
Till-tappin' little bastard.
You two are angels, I'll find a replacement soon.
I'm not surprised. I've thought about tapping the till.
But I got such a guilty conscious.
Probably just end up blowing my fuckin' brains out.
In honor of the finale of Just Desserts, we sit down with Natalie Greer,
the mind behind a show that defined a generation.
We were on patrol, and we came to this village,
and two elders were arguing over who killed the other person's donkey,
which was a typical occurrence over there.
And then a shot rang out. And do you know who was shot?
Who?
- Albert. - Your best friend?
Yeah. And I heard them shout my name.
"Medic! Get up here!" And so, I ran up there,
and when I found him, he was all messed up. He looked terrible.
And they told me, they said, "Clark, he's a goner."
And I said, "Not on my watch".
And I patched him up, I saved his life.
- Did you kill the guys who shot him? - No, my job is to protect our boys.
Just like I'm protecting you, John.
- I love you so much, Dad. - I love you too. I love you too, buddy.
But it's just so crazy to have gone from being a chubby little kid
who loves cupcakes to then, all of the sudden,
the President of the US is quoting our show at the State of the Union.
How did we get this lucky? We're so lucky.
Do you know that we almost fired you season two?
Really?
Yes, because you weren't good yet. You were a kid, so you were bad.
Google Alert - Barry Berkman
Barry!
Who's Barry?
What?
They're making a movie about us.
I'm gonna have to kill Cousineau.
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