- No! No! No!
- Please! Please, don't kill us. - No! Please, no.
-Please! Don't! Don't kill us! No! No! - Please! I beg you, no!
No, please, don't!
Shame.
Well.
Well, well, well.
Look what we have here.
Does this belong to you?
Come here, darling.
Come, come.
Yeah.
Come on.
Yes.
There we go.
-Does that taste good, little one? -♪ Blue, blue ♪
-♪ My world is blue ♪
♪ Blue is my world since I'm without you ♪
♪ Gray, gray, my life is gray ♪
♪ Cold is my heart since you went away ♪
♪ Red, red, my eyes are red... ♪
Trust no one.
Always be alert.
Very good, little one.
So, we got you white...
so you and your gorgeous dress can be the star. It's simple.
Oh, it's perfect.
Oh, little one.
Okay.
All right, now, smile.
-And look like you mean it. -Okay.
All right, say cheese.
-Say cheese. -Cheese.
♪ Black, black, the nights I've known ♪
♪ Longing for you, so lost and alone ♪
♪ Blue is my world ♪
♪ Since I'm without ♪
♪ You ♪
Mmm!
-Mmm. - You want me to protect Five?
It's not that complicated, honey.
-If anyone deserves to die, it's him. -That's true, but--
-The most wanted man in the Commission. -Yes.
Now you want me to protect him.
That's correct.
After everything he's done to you? He's the reason you got demoted.
Be that as it may...
he's worth more to me alive.
If you want to kill somebody, why don't you kill Diego?
No.
You sure? I think it'll make you feel better.
Nah.
-Suit yourself.
Pass me more syrup, will you?
Mmm.
Mm, I ran into some trouble at the asylum,
during the escape.
These three blond guys.
Total cowboys.
They're here already?
What, you know those freaks?
Commission muscle. Triplets. Like Huey, Dewey, and Louie,
-only a little more meshugahs. -You sent them?
-Of course I did. -Why? They nearly killed me.
Well, they have to make it look good.
Right? Otherwise, people might suspect that we're working together.
So they know I'm on the job?
It's all a performance.
Look, if they wanted you dead,
you would've been long gone by now, little one.
You need to stop calling me that.
Aww.
Listen to me.
No one is trying to kill you.
We're all working towards the same goal.
Which is?
Well, that's the thing about the Commission, isn't it?
Some things just don't make sense...
until they do.
I like the fringe.
Protect Number Five at all costs.
Luther.
-Again! Hit me! - Luther?
Allison?
Sorry to disappoint.
Here. For your face.
Do you need a pillow or...
-an... an aspirin? -Wait, uh...
why are you here, Vanya?
You're my brother.
I mean, apparently.
Five found you.
Yeah, he's downstairs waiting with the car.
Said you'd be better off alone.
Yeah.
He's an asshole.
Such an asshole.
- Right? -Right.
Um...
How much did he tell you?
Um, well, he filled in some gaps.
Uh, seven children, a talking chimpanzee...
-Yeah. -...a very warm and cuddly father.
Mm-hmm.
-An apocalypse.
He told you about that, huh?
Well, not all of it.
Because I think there's something he left out.
About me.
Huh.
What caused the apocalypse?
You did.
But not alone.
-I was part of it. I mean, we all were. -How?
Uh, you got angry,
lost control, and you...
blew up the moon.
It slammed into Earth, wiping out everything.
Why would I do that?
It's complicated.
Look...
you had kind of a bad childhood.
-Why the hell did you throw that fight? -Jack.
-Answer me! - Sorry...
-I had a bad night. -Bad night, you son of a bitch?
You could've taken that chump's head off in your sleep!
I owe a lot of money right now, Luther,
to people that can make things very hard on me!
-Leave him alone! -Shut up and mind your business!
-Jack, look... I'm sorry.
All right? I'm gonna make it up to you, I promise. Okay?
I treated you...
like a son.
Jack, come on.
No. You and me...
we're done.
Jack, please.
-Jack. Jack!
Luther?
Would you, uh... just get out, please?
Well, I don't mind staying, and I have some more questions.
Well, that clearly went well.
-You ready to go? -I'm going back to the farm.
Hey. Unacceptable, Vanya.
Remember, we need to stick together.
Oh, why, so I don't end the world again?
- Stupid... -Were you even gonna tell me?
You know what? In my defense, no. All right?
And can you blame me? When you... you get angry, shit blows up.
Great. Are there any other family secrets you failed to mention?
A boatload, Vanya, which I don't have the luxury of sharing them with the--
The clock is ticking on doomsday.
Just tell me that when I need you, you'll be ready.
I can't help you, Five.
I don't even know who I am.
-You're our sister.
And a member of the Umbrella Academy.
Like it or not, that's who you are.
Look, that's who I was, okay?
New timeline, new me.
No, that's not how it work--
Wonder if it's too late to be un-adopted.
Parkland Hospital?
Yes, I'm... I'm looking for a patient, Raymond Chestnut.
He may have been brought in last night after the riot at Stadtler's.
Why does that matter?
Of course you don't treat Negroes. How silly of me.
Shit.
-You all right? - No.
Ray didn't come home last night.
Okay. Okay, no problem. I'm sure he's fine.
First thing we're gonna need...
...is coffee,
vitamin B12, and...
oh, a piping hot bowl of menudo,
and then we're gonna sort all this stuff out.
He saw me rumor that cop, Klaus.
I know.
But, uh...
you... you were saving his life.
I mean, that asshole was gonna kill him.
I'm such an idiot.
-No, you're not.
I promised myself I would never do this again.
Nothing good ever comes from it.
Have you ever heard the fable of The Scorpion and the Frog?
What?
The scorpion wants to get across the river,
so he asks the frog to carry him across.
But the frog's like, "Well, what's in it for me?"
And the scorpion's like, "How about five bucks?"
And the frog says, "Make it 20."
-The scorpion's like, "Ten." -The frog goes,
"All right, fine, 15."
And the scorpion's like, "All right, fine, 15."
Then halfway across the river,
the frog feels this terrible pain on his back, and...
eh... the scorpion stung him.
You know? And the frog's like, "Well, what the hell?
We're both gonna drown now," and...
they both did.
-What the hell is the point of that story? -The point is,
frogs are bitches,
and we do not negotiate with terrorists, Allison--
No. No, no, no. I... I actually can't deal with you right now.
-I'm sorry, I'm not... -Absolutely not.
...a morning person. Can we do this again at, like...
-Where you going? -To find my damn husband.
Menudo.
-So, what, you just let her go? - Well, Vanya had a lot to process.
She'll come around. I know she will.
-What about the guys that went after her? - The Swedes?
Yeah, I mean, how do you know they won't go after her again?
- We don't. -Mm, any idea who sent them?
Oh, I have my suspicions.
But right now, our priority is finding Dad and getting answers,
'cause everything else depends on it.
Which, for the record,
-I found him already. -And then let him go
before we could have a meaningful conversation.
He stabbed me.
I'm surprised he waited this long, Diego. We've all had the urge.
Good one.
Good thing I know where Dad's gonna be tonight.
Where'd you get this?
Found it at his office while he was busy stabbing you.
- Hmm.
"Hoyt Hillenkoetter
and the Consulate General of Mexico in Dallas
-cordially invite you to a gala." - Whoa, wait.
Hoyt Hillenkoetter?
Are you serious?
-You know him? - We should go.
Says there's gonna be a seafood tower.
No, Hillenkoetter is... is one of the Majestic Twelve.
- The hell is the Majestic Twelve? -What?
It's a... a secret committee.
Uh, scientists, military, uh, deep state.
No one knows what they really do.
-Wait, so they're government? - Shadow government.
Yeah, Kennedy was the first president to try to push 'em into the light,
but these guys are not to be trifled with. Oh...
Oh, here we go. Ah, right here.
This, uh... Oh, right here.
-That's Hoyt right there. - Huh.
I only count 11.
Well, that's because they've only identified 11 so far.
Who's the twelfth?
-Vanya.
Ha! Thank God!
Oh!
I'm so sorry.
-Uh, I'll... I'll pay for the damage. -Don't you start.
I'm just glad you're back and in one piece.
You have no idea where my mind went.
Harlan's gonna be thrilled.
He's been in a state ever since you left.
Now...
...tell me what the hell happened out there.
I don't know where to begin.
Let's start with breakfast. How about that?
Gotta hit the head.
Hey! Mamie Pink, right?
Klaus Hargreeves, but you can call me whatever you want.
How's she lookin'?
-The latrine? - Listen to me.
I have to talk to you about something important.
-Okay? -Okay.
This is gonna sound kinda crazy, but, uh...
...I know you.
Uh, yeah, sure.
-From the hardware store. -No, from before.
Well, after, actually. Listen,
I know you're thinking about enlisting,
thinking it's your duty 'cause your grandfather fought
in World War I and your father fought in World War II,
and that guy you're eating brunch with is your Uncle Ryan who fought in Korea.
-Brian. -Brian.
And you look up to Brian.
And you're starting to believe all this stuff he's saying
about the military making you a man.
Is this a joke or something?
Dave, if you enlist, they're gonna send you out to Vietnam.
The heck are you talking about?
Fifty thousand American soldiers and a million Vietnamese...
...all die for nothing,
because the dominoes aren't gonna topple, Dave.
The communists aren't gonna invade all of East Asia.
- Says you. -So--
Oh. Hey, Brian.
You know this... clown?
Um, he bought pink paint at the store.
Pink paint.
Makes sense.
You know, pink can actually be very masculine in the right setting.
Is that right?
How 'bout you get outta my seat, queer.
Oh, wow.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard that.
Ooh! Oh! Whoa! Ooh!
Whoo!
Take it easy there, Brian.
I just need five minutes of your time, Dave.
Gonna just sit there and listen to this pansy?
-You don't have to join to become a man. - Hit the queer.
- Don't sacrifice yourself. -Hit him, damn it.
-'Cause I love you. - Hit him!
-I love you. -Hit the queer!
-And I know there's a day you'll love-- - Hit him! Hit him!
-Oh!
You've gotta be kidding me.
And the Ladies Auxiliary will be cooking for the families of those injured.
You're having a meeting without me?
-You got a lot of nerve showing up here. -Miles, now is not the time.
Okay, all right. Calm down.
-Calm down? - Calm down.
You want me to calm down?
I have been up all night calling hospitals.
Ray, I thought you were dead.
I'm right here.
And you didn't even call.
Raymond.
Let's talk about this outside.
So...
what'd they offer you? Money?
What? Who?
No, you tell me who. Was it Dallas PD? Was it FBI?
-I need to know. -Ray, stop it.
-This is crazy. -What'd you say to the cop?
-I didn't say anything. -No, I saw you.
I saw you whisper something into his ear.
I...
I begged him to stop hitting you.
Can't believe I never saw it.
-Saw what, Ray? -The timing of it, Allison.
How you just fell out of the sky, sweeping up hair,
in this shop of all places, reading my pamphlets, wanting to join us.
I told you, I can explain.
Then do it.
Please, God, explain.
- -♪ Oh, Mama, I'm in fear for my life ♪
-♪ From the long arm of the law ♪
♪ Lawman has put an end to my running ♪
-♪ And I'm so far from my home... ♪
It's not too late, Klaus.
Oh, I think we both know that it is.
You really want to throw three years of sobriety out the window?
In case you didn't notice,
the last three years have been a royal shitshow.
And this is only gonna make it worse.
-Maybe. Let's find out. -♪ ...And I don't have ♪
-♪ Very long ♪
♪ The jig is up, the news is out They've finally found me ♪
♪ The renegade who had it made Retrieved for a bounty ♪
♪ Nevermore to go astray ♪
♪ The judge will have revenge today ♪
♪ On the wanted man ♪
♪ Oh, Mama, I'm in fear for my life ♪
♪ From the long arm of the law ♪
♪ Hangman is comin' down From the gallows ♪
♪ And I don't have very long ♪
♪ Mama, don't let 'em take me! ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
Oh, no.
Oh, God damn it.
-He's here! - The prophet!
-The Holy Wanderer has returned! - Stay in the mansion.
- Prophet! -No! No, you guys should all stay
in the mansion!
- Prophet! - Stay in the...
- Shit-sticks!
Right this way, sir.
So, what's the plan?
We infiltrate, we identify, we extract. Double time.
-What the hell's he talking about? -Find the old man and get out fast.
That's what I said.
On me.
After you.
-What, I can't be polite? -Cut the crap.
All right? My dimwitted brother might buy your bullshit,
but I don't trust you for a second.
O ye of little faith.
Stick it up your ass.
Number four, order's up.
-♪ ...Hurt ♪ - Number four.
♪ Hurt, hurt real bad ♪
♪ Oh, it can make ♪
♪ Make ♪
♪ Make, make you real sad ♪
♪ Then you're all ♪
-♪ You're all, all alone... ♪
- Can I get one more beer? - You got it.
Allison.
Oh, shit.
Hey.
- Hey. -I like your hair.
Oh...
-Thank you. -Come on, sit down, sit down.
I, um...
-Oh, I'm sorry. Let me move that.
You're a mess.
-Are... Are you okay? -Me?
-Yeah, you've got-- -Oh, yeah, no, I'm... I'm good.
Good.
-Doing good.
-Good weather. -Oh, yeah.
-Good beer. -Yeah.
Yeah.
And, uh, you, you're good?
Oh, so... so good. So good.
-Yeah. -Well, that's... that's good.
I heard you came by.
Oh, yeah, I met your...
My God,
-congrats on your-- -Oh, we don't...
-we don't have to talk about him. -No, no, no, it's okay. Um...
It was hard, right?
Losing everyone and getting stuck here?
I'm glad you weren't alone.
Luther, I never gave up on you.
Any of you. I...
I just assumed Five would come back eventually,
but the last time he jumped--
Yeah, he was gone for years, I know.
I just, I needed something to hold onto,
and Ray gave me that.
Hey.
No one gets to tell us how to deal with the end of the world.
Right?
Not even each other.
Have you, um, heard from any of the others?
Vanya?
Uh, on a farm.
And happy.
Right. Weird.
-Uh, Diego? -Nuthouse.
- Klaus? -Cult leader.
-Eh.
And, uh, Five turned up a few days ago.
So, that's it, the gang's all here.
Well, great. Well, that's usually when things go sideways, so...
Yeah.
-About that. Uh... -What?
We did it again.
Apparently.
Did what again?
Ended the world.
Or we will in seven days from now, according to Five.
-What? -Doomsday.
I don't see Dad anywhere.
Just keep an eye out for the Majestic Twelve.
I got the upstairs.
Diego, try not to do anything too stupid.
Uh-uh-uh-uh.
-Trying to ditch me again? -What are you talking about?
Last night. Hey...
Where'd you go?
You really want to do this now?
Really.
Fine.
I went to the pharmacy to buy gauze for your disgusting stab wound.
Is that allowed or...?
-As a matter of fact,
-you owe me $1.89.
Or you would if I'd actually paid for it.
They're playing our song.
Someone's got moves.
My father insisted on ballroom lessons.
"One never knows when the paso doble
will be the difference between life and death...
children."
My mum used to say something along those lines.
-Yeah? -Switch.
What are you doing?
Just follow my lead.
Uh, honey, no. I'm the man here.
Shh...
Well, you are easily distracted.
It can't be.
All right. Well, bye now.
Mom.
Never heard that one before.
Everything all right, hon?
-You're real.
If this is your idea of a come-on,
it's not goin' well.
No.
Actu... Uh...
Uh, do... do you know a... a man named Sir Reginald Hargreeves?
Reggie? He's my date this evenin'.
Your date?
Ugh.
Do you have a problem with that?
No. No, no, it's... it's just, uh...
It's just a lot to process. The...
The thought of the two of you, I...
I can't picture that in my head. That is...
That's nasty.
Uh...
You're a little odd, aren't you?
-Yeah.
I mean, no.
Uh...
Do you know where he is?
He said somethin' about a quick meetin', and he'd be right back.
That was 20 minutes ago.
Never good to keep a lady waiting.
Tell him that if you find him.
Hey, uh, Grace?
It was nice meeting you.
You too.
Lila.
-I don't understand. - Me neither.
All I know is that these guys are really dangerous
and they're not gonna stop until I'm dead.
-So we go to the police. -No, I... I can't.
Why not?
What... What is it?
Are you in trouble with the law?
Maybe.
It's complicated.
-The point is, I... I can't stay here. -Vanya--
No, I can't risk anything happening to you or Harlan.
I couldn't live with myself.
Vanya! We could go somewhere.
For a few days.
We wouldn't have to tell anyone, not even Carl.
I'll bring the gun. I'll keep you safe.
You know that's not right.
Neither is you leaving us.
Harlan! Harlan, honey!
Harlan, get back here!
Harlan!
-Harlan! - Harlan!
Which way did he go?
-I'll check the barn, you go that way. -We'll find him, okay?
- Harlan! -Harlan!
Harlan!
Harlan?
Harlan!
-Harlan?
Harlan!
Oh, my God.
Harlan!
No!
-Oh, my God! You're okay. You're okay.
Harlan! Harlan! Harlan!
-He's okay. He's okay.
Oh, my baby! Oh, my baby!
Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, baby.
Uh, yeah, I was...
-gonna tell you about that. -You need to go.
Phil, I'll pay for it, okay?
-Whatever it costs. -It's not about the wall, Luther.
Well then, what is it?
You're on Ruby's shit list, and I don't wanna be.
-I'm real sorry. -Phil.
-Come on, man, it's me.
Gotta be out by 3:00.
Phil...
Great.
Whoa.
You're f... uh, from the alley.
Uh...
I'm looking for Five.
Uh, he went out.
He say where he was going?
Um...
He's with your other brother.
Who, Diego? I thought he was in the asylum.
Uh, he escaped.
He say when they'd be back?
Not sure.
Okay.
Bad day, huh?
Yep.
You want some nitrous?
Harlan's finally down.
Where's Carl?
Business in Waco.
Back tomorrow night.
I've been thinking,
best not tell him about Harlan and all.
It'd just upset him.
What a day, huh?
Hey.
-Hey. Hey, hey, hey...
If you hadn't been there--
But I was.
-And the doctor said he's gonna be fine. -I know, I know, I just...
I just keep... keep seeing him lying there.
-I thought he was-- -He pulled through.
He's an amazing kid.
-Except for that obsession
with Mr. Pickles.
-That is a true nightmare.
Where's yours?
I should leave.
Do you know what it's like...
when you have a man who can't see you...
a son who won't talk to you?
Your life gets small.
A little smaller every day.
And you don't even notice the box that you're in...
...until someone comes along and lets you out.
You tell me...
how you let her go.
-Tell me, and I'll do it. -Sissy, I can't--
Then tell me to stop.
Ray?
¡Hola!
¿Está... Allison...
en casa buena?
-Oh, sweet Jesus.
I just need a place to crash for one night.
-Couch is all yours. -Don't go chasing waterfalls.
I mean, stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to, bitches.
♪ Unwind yourself ♪
♪ Come on and turn that soul loose Come on, baby ♪
-♪ Unwind yourself ♪
- Oh, God.
I should've been doing this my whole life.
Yeah.
It just, it makes everything better, right?
Yeah.
How'd you get all this stuff?
My dad...
was a dentist.
- Oh.
He left me this place in his will when he died.
You know, uh, my dad died too.
He left me on the moon.
- Aah... -At least you went places.
I don't leave the house except between 9:00 and 10:00 a.m.
Monday through Friday,
and when it's daylight on Wednesday.
-Why? -I have my reasons.
-You are super weird. -What?
-You are so weird. -Well...
you... you're an alien from the future,
and you look like an ape.
I do.
- I do. - You could snap...
I know.
You know,
in the last 12 hours, I lost a fight,
my job,
and the woman that I love loves someone else.
I mean, what is that?
My wife left me
for my best friend
on our tenth anniversary.
Don't worry, okay?
She'll be dead in seven days.
Oh...
We all will.
The president is continuing to make inquiries into Roswell
and the other crash sites, gentlemen.
And, as you know, we cannot allow him to get his nose into our business.
I've confirmed the motorcade will indeed be turning left on Elm Street.
We'll have our people in place.
Gentlemen, this plan of yours seems ill-timed.
It's going to be a turkey shoot.
- Dad? - Shh.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
-We've been compromised.
-Regroup at the backup location. -Yes, boss.
Five...
♪ Do, do, do, do, do-do-do, do, do ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do-do-do ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ I wanna give it all to you ♪
-♪ In the darkness ♪
♪ There's so much I wanna do ♪
Lila!
-♪ Tonight ♪ -Help me!
-Lila! Help... -♪ I wanna lay it at your feet... ♪
Protect Number Five at all costs.
♪ ...And girl, you were made for me ♪
♪ I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪
♪ You were made for lovin' me ♪
♪ And I can't get enough of you, baby ♪
♪ Can you get enough of me? ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ I wanna see it in your eyes ♪
♪ Feel the magic ♪
You're welcome.
♪ There's somethin' that drives me wild ♪
♪ And tonight ♪
-♪ We're gonna make it all come true ♪
♪ 'Cause, girl, you were made for me ♪
♪ And girl, I was made for you ♪
♪ I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪
-♪ You were made for lovin' me ♪
♪ And I can't get enough of you, baby... ♪
Oh, yeah, mofo.
It's just you and me.
Show me what you got.
♪ Do, do, do, do, do-do-do, do, do ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do-do-do ♪
-♪ I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪
-♪ You were made for lovin' me ♪ -
Dad.
-♪ And I can't get enough of you... ♪ -
Reggie.
What are you waiting for?
We need to go.
-Who was that? -No one important.
-Was that him? -Yeah.