Captions made possible by HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY WANT THESE FILLED
WITH FUCKIN' HELIUM.
IT'S THE A.V.N. AWARDS, MAN,
IT'S LIKE THE FUCKING OSCARS OF PORN,
AND THEY WANT 'EM FLOATING FROM THE RAFTERS.
CHECK THIS OUT...
( in high pitched voice ) FUCK ME, I HAVE SEVERAL FUCKABLE ORIFICES !
( laughing )
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
( in high pitched voice ) NO, FUCK ME, I'M A CHICK WITH A DICK !
THEN YOU CAN FUCK YOURSELF !
OH SHIT, MY DICK FELL OFF !
HOLY SHIT.
I THINK THIS CHICK'S MY COUSIN.
WATCH OUT !
( brakes squealing )
( passenger ) DUDE, YOU ALMOST HIT THAT GUY.
( driver ) I DID NOT.
YES, YOU DID.
WELL, HE LIKE CAME FROM NOWHERE.
( male on radio ) But it's not just the wives
who need to give themselves freely to their husbands
within the blessed confines of the marriage bed...
husbands need to surrender as well, because--
PRAISE THE LORD.
( female on radio ) Because women have desires too.
And those wifely desires are meant by God
to be satisfied by their husbands.
Even when we may not feel like it--
Right, Lonnie, like that ever happens !
So, this is how...
this is how, through marriage,
we create the Garden Of Eden again...
without shame, without sin.
OH, OH, MY LORD... !
OH, MY LORD !
SWEET JESUS !
OH, SWEET JESUS !
I'M COMING--
( loud thump )
OOOH...
OH, THOSE ARE GOOD.
YOU'RE UP EARLY.
I'M ALWAYS UP EARLY.
EVERY DAY'S A NEW ADVENTURE.
TODAY WE'RE HAVING EGGS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUR NEW TABLE ?
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT IS IT, INDIAN ?
PERSIAN, I THINK.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE ?
PERSIA IS IRAN.
AND INDIA IS, WELL, INDIA.
IT'S GEORGE'S ?
WELL, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST THREE MONTHS,
AND WE DECIDED IT MIGHT BE TIME TO MOVE
SOME OF HIS THINGS OUT OF STORAGE.
MOST OF IT'S IN THE GARAGE FOR NOW,
BUT WE PUT THE TABLE IN LAST NIGHT BEFORE WE WENT TO BED.
YOU SEE THIS ?
THIS IS CALLED A HORSE !
THAT'S FUNNY.
WHERE DADDY COMES FROM, IT'S CALLED A ROCK.
IT'S A PIECE OF GRAYWACKE,
I FOUND PERCHED BETWEEN THE WALLS OF THE SAN ANDREAS FAULT,
UP NEAR PESCADERO.
THAT'S WHAT A "HORSE" IS.
A PIECE OF DISPLACED ROCK
BETWEEN THE WALLS OF A FAULT-LINE.
THAT'S VERY HELPFUL, GEORGE, THANK YOU.
HOW'S OUR LITTLE GIRL TODAY ?
GOOD.
EATING SOME EGGS, WEARING SOME.
IS THIS A NEW TABLE ?
IT'S PERSIAN.
PERSIA ?
DOES THAT EXIST ANYMORE ?
PERSIA IS IRAN.
AND THIS IS A "HORSE."
A PIECE OF A ROCK FOUND BETWEEN THE WALLS OF A FAULT ?
VERY GOOD, CLAIRE.
GEORGE HAS BEEN TELLING ME ALL ABOUT HIS ROCKS.
WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT THEY COULD BE SO FASCINATING.
AREN'T THEY ?
IT'S LIKE GOING TO SCHOOL IN YOUR OWN HOME.
YOU KNOW, CLAIRE,
MAYBE YOU COULD TAKE PHOTOS OF SOME OF GEORGE'S KEEPSAKES.
EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS SUCH AN INTERESTING STORY BEHIND IT.
WELL, NOT ALL OF THEM.
I MEAN, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE YOU DID ANY OF YOUR...
YOU KNOW, ART.
I JUST THOUGHT IT MIGHT INSPIRE YOU.
DO I LOOK LIKE I NEED TO BE INSPIRED ?
ACTUALLY, YOU DO.
OH.
I'M SORRY.
DON'T BE SILLY, ARTHUR.
I'LL JUST GRAB MY COTTAGE CHEESE AND TAKE IT UP TO MY ROOM.
IS THIS PERSIAN ?
YES, IT IS.
I'M NOT SURE IF IT WORKS IN THIS KITCHEN,
BUT IT'S VERY BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU.
I THINK IT WORKS IN THIS KITCHEN.
I LOVE IT,
BECAUSE IT'S YOURS.
APPARENTLY, ACCORDING TO WITNESSES,
SHE JUST GOT OUT OF HER CAR
AND RAN INTO TRAFFIC.
DO THEY KNOW WHY ?
NO.
I SUPPOSE WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
WELL, MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU.
IT'S HORRIBLE, NOT KNOWING EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE YOU LOVED.
IT WAS HER TIME,
THAT'S ALL.
THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
YES, HE CERTAINLY DOES.
SO, MR. SHEEDY, WOULD YOU PREFER
AN AFTERNOON OR AN EVENING VIEWING-- ?
I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY.
I JUST THINK IN THE INTEREST OF HEALTHY GRIEVING, MR. SHEEDY,
YOU NEED TO GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO AT LEAST
BE CURIOUS AS TO WHY YOUR WIFE WOULD JUMP OUT OF HER CAR
AND RUN INTO TRAFFIC...
FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
WHY ?
IT'S NOT GOING TO BRING HER BACK.
NATE ?
I BELIEVE RICO COULD USE YOUR ASSISTANCE DOWNSTAIRS.
RIGHT.
I'M VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
SOME OF THE MOST STRIKING TAPESTRY ART
OUT OF THE MEDIEVAL AGE IS TO BE FOUND IN CENTRAL FRANCE
IN THE CHATEAU OF ANGERS.
DURING THE 14th CENTURY, A MORE "GOTHIC" STYLE
WOULD TAKE ROOT IN ENGLAND, HOWEVER,
INTRODUCING INTRICATELY CARVED WDEN SCULPTURE...
HEY, YOU'RE CLAIRE FISHER, RIGHT ?
I LOVED THAT GRAVEYARD LIGHT-BOX PIECE
YOU HAD IN THE ALUMNI SHOW.
OH, THANKS.
I'M ANITA MILLER.
I STARTED WINTER SEMESTER LAST YEAR.
COOL, HI.
( sighing )
OH GOD, HOW MUCH OF THIS GOTHIC STUFF CAN THERE BE ?
SOME OF IT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL,
BUT IT'S ALL STARTING TO KIND OF RUN TOGETHER IN MY HEAD.
I HEAR THAT.
IF I SEE ONE MORE BLEEDING JESUS
I THINK I'LL HURL.
MAYBE IF YOU HURL ON A BLEEDING JESUS
YOU COULD GET INDEPENDENT STUDY CREDIT, OR A GRANT.
YEAH, I'M SURE THE N.E.A. IS JUST DYING
TO HAND OUT MONEY TO CHRIST-DEFACERS.
THE N.E.A. IS DYING, THAT'S FOR SURE.
SO, ARE YOU WORKING ON ANYTHING ?
NO.
I HAVEN'T EVEN PICKED UP MY CAMERA SINCE LIKE LAST SPRING.
YOU ?
PLEASE, ALL I DID WAS WORK AT STARBUCKS
AND SEE LAME-ASS MOVIES LIKE "THE HULK."
OH GOD, WHEN I SAW THAT I WAS JUST LIKE,
EXCUSE ME, CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE
EXPLAIN THOSE GIGUNDA, PURPLE FUCKING PANTS ?
I KNOW !
JUST SHOW US HIS BIG, GREEN PACKAGE ALREADY !
( laughing )
SHHH !
CAN I HELP YOU ?
HEY, YOU WANNA GO OUT TOMORROW NIGHT ?
IT'S OPEN MIKE NIGHT AT THE NUTS AND JOLTS
AND MY FRIEND EDIE IS DOING HER THING.
WHAT'S "HER THING" ?
MMM, IT'S KIND OF A
PUNK/FOLK/POETRY/PERFORMANCE ART KIND OF THING.
SURE, WHY NOT ?
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAN'T SEE THIS.
HE'S JUST USING THAT
"HAPPY SHE'S ON HER WAY TO JESUS" HORSESHIT
TO DISTANCE HIMSELF FROM THE TRUTH.
THE MAN LOST HIS WIFE.
HE'S FACING ONE OF THE WORST THINGS
THAT CAN POSSIBLY HAPPEN TO A PERSON
AND I JUST THINK THAT HE NEEDS TO FEEL.
HE NEEDS TO REALLY, REALLY FEEL THE LOSS AND THE RAGE.
NATE, EVERYONE HANDLES THEIR GRIEF IN A DIFFERENT WAY.
HE WAS NOWHERE EVEN NEAR ACTUAL GRIEF.
MAYBE HE'S JUST TRYING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER
IN FRONT OF HIS SON.
YEAH, WOULDN'T WANT THE KID TO BUMP UP AGAINST REALITY.
WOULDN'T WANT TO PREPARE HIM FOR ACTUAL LIFE.
MAYBE THE MAN HAS FAITH.
IN WHAT, GOD ?
YES, IN GOD.
AND MAYBE HIS FAITH IN GOD IS WHAT SUSTAINS HIM.
WELL, HE'S NOT "SUSTAINED."
HE TOTALLY FUCKING CHECKED OUT.
YOU GOTTA GO THROUGH ALL THE NECESSARY STAGES OF GRIEF !
THAT'S HOW YOU HONOR WHAT THE PERSON ACTUALLY MEANT TO YOU.
HOW LONG WERE YOU WITH THE L.A.P.D. ?
ALMOST SIX YEARS.
AND WHY DID YOU LEAVE ?
I, UH...
I WENT OFF ON A GUY DURING A DOMESTIC ABUSE CALL.
DID YOU KILL THE GUY ?
NO.
I BUSTED HIM UP PRETTY BAD, THOUGH.
DID EVER KILL ANYBODY IN THE LINE OF DUTY ?
ONCE.
A GUY PULLED A GUN AND I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO.
IT WAS A CLEAN SHOOTING.
I KILLED A GUY DURING A DOMESTIC ABUSE CALL ONCE.
MIKE...
NOW'S NOT THE TIME.
LOOK, PUTTING SOME ASSHOLE IN THE HOSPITAL
FOR BEATING UP ON HIS WIFE IS NOT A PROBLEM.
WE HANDLE STRICTLY HIGH-END CLIENTELE,
MOSTLY HIGH-PROFILE PEOPLE IN THE MUSIC
AND ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY.
WE'VE HANDLED M.J., BOTH M.J.'S ACTUALLY,
WHITNEY, P-DIDDY.
BOTH M.J.'S ?
MICHAEL JORDAN AND MICHAEL JACKSON ?
MICK JAGGER'S AN M.J.
WE'VE HANDLED ALL THREE M.J.'S THEN.
WOW.
WHEN YOU COME TO WORK FOR SAFEGUARD PROTECTION AGENCY,
YOUR JOB IS NOT TO PUT YOUR HANDS ON ANYONE
DURING ANY GIVEN SITUATION.
YOUR JOB IS TO "LOW-TONE" IT
AND DEFUSE THE SITUATION BEFORE IT BECOMES A SITUATION.
GOT IT.
I DON'T THINK I HAVE ANYMORE QUESTIONS FOR NOW, MR. CHARLES.
ME NEITHER.
DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS FOR US ?
NO, I DON'T THINK SO.
I REALLY WOULD LIKE THIS JOB, THOUGH.
I MEAN, THIS IS EXACTLY THE LINE OF WORK
THAT I'D LIKE TO GET INTO.
I'M A HARD WORKER AND, UM, YOU WON'T BE SORRY.
WE'LL CALL YOU.
OKAY.
OH.
OH SHIT.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PAPER TOWELS ?
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
MIKE ?
I'M ON IT.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
( knocking )
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, RICO.
COME IN.
HI, NICOLE.
HEY SWEETIE.
I AM SO GLAD THAT I MET YOU.
I NEVER HAD SOMEONE BE SO NICE TO ME
WITHOUT EXPECTING SOMETHING IN RETURN, YOU KNOW ?
YEAH.
EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME...
WHICH I DIDN'T MIND AT ALL.
LOOK, SOPHIA.
I'M MARRIED.
WE BOTH KNOW IT,
I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP OUT A LITTLE
HERE AND THERE, THAT'S ALL.
CAN YOU DO ME A HUGE FAVOR ?
YOU KNOW THE DVD PLAYER THAT YOU BROUGHT ME LAST WEEK,
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HOOK IT UP.
SURE.
YEAH.
ALRIGHT.
HEY, SWEETIE.
NOW YOU'LL BE ABLE TO WATCH ALL YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES, HUH ?
YOO-HOO.
SO, YOU GOING TO WORK ?
YEAH.
I WISH YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO,
YOU KNOW, DO THAT FOR A LIVING.
YEAH, WELL WE ALL GOT TO EAT, RIGHT ?
YEAH.
WHO WATCHES NICOLE ?
THE LADY UPSTAIRS.
WHERE'S HER FATHER ?
FUCK IF I KNOW.
LOOK, RICO, HE'S A SPEED FREAK AND A DEADBEAT.
WE'RE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM, BELIEVE ME.
AND IF YOU COME TO THE CLUB TONIGHT,
DON'T CALL ME SOPHIA.
MY CLUB NAME IS--
INFINITY.
INFINITY, I KNOW.
ALRIGHT, LET'S GET THIS THING HOOKED UP.
WANT TO HELP ME ?
I JUST FIGURED,
NOBODY KNOWS MORE ABOUT CRAZY PEOPLE THAN I DO.
I WAS RAISED BY THEM, I AM ONE OF THEM...
AND REALLY, I'M WAY TOO OLD TO BE RUBBING UP STRANGERS.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA MAKE AN EXCELLENT THERAPIST.
IT'S A PRETTY INTENSIVE, FAST-TRACK PROGRAM,
AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO WORK MY LAZY ASS OFF, BUT...
I'LL HAVE MY M.S.W. SUMMER OF 2005.
YOU CAN ANALYZE ME.
MY MOTHER IS GOING TO FREAK WHEN SHE FINDS OUT.
I'LL JUST NEVER TELL HER.
SO, WHAT DAY IS THIS ?
DAY 78, RIGHT ?
MORE LIKE 67, ACTUALLY.
67 ?
WHERE DO YOU GET 67 ?
THE TWO WEEKS YOU WERE IN SAN JOSE DON'T COUNT.
NO, THEY DON'T.
WE DIDN'T EVEN TALK DURING THOSE TWO WEEKS.
YEAH, BUT WE FANTASIZED ABOUT EACH OTHER.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ME ?
WHILE TOUCHING MYSELF ?
I LOVE THE SOUND OF THAT.
YEAH, I BET YOU DO.
I THINK IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT WE COUNT THE DAYS IN SAN JOSE.
THINK OF IT AS TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR.
MAYBE.
HERE, EAT THIS.
( toilet flushing )
SOME PEOPLE THINK I'M IN HEAVEN.
BUT GUESS WHAT ?
THERE IS NO HEAVEN.
EXCEPT RIGHT HERE...
WITH YOU.
"YEA, THOU I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH,
"I WILL FEAR NO EVIL, FOR THOU ART WITH ME.
THY ROD AND THY STAFF, THEY COMFORT ME..."
OH YEAH !
OH YES !
OH, OH !
HEY.
IS THIS TOO MUCH ?
NO, SIR, YOU ARE ALL THAT AND A BOX OF COOKIES.
YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT.
YEAH, I KINDA DO.
OH SHIT, I GOTTA PICK UP THAT PACKAGE IN 20 MINUTES.
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU'RE GOING TO BE
A SECURITY GUARD TO THE STARS.
SECURITY SPECIALIST.
OH, THAT IS SO HOT.
WHO ARE YOU PROTECTING TODAY ?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
ALL I KNOW IS I HAVE TO BE AT THE MERIDIEN HOTEL AT 11.
I HOPE IT'S RUSSELL CROWE.
OR DENZEL WASHINGTON.
OR RUSSELL CROWE AND DENZEL WASHINGTON.
MMM, IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES.
I NEED A NEW SUIT.
YOU CAN BUY THREE NEW SUITS
WITH THE MONEY YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE,
MISTER THEY-START-ME-OUT-AT- 25-BUCKS-A-FUCKING-HOUR.
SOME OF THESE GUYS MAKE 100 IF THEY GO ON TOUR.
HOLY SHIT.
WE CAN FINALLY GET ONE OF THOSE GIGANTIC FLAT-SCREEN,
HIGH-DEFINITION TVs YOU'VE BEEN WANTING.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE ?
A HOUSE.
OH MY GOD, WITH A SWIMMING POOL.
AND A JACUZZI.
AND AN O'KEEFE AND MERRITT STOVE-AND-OVEN FOR THE KITCHEN.
OH, PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME.
MY JOB IS TO NOT PUT MY HANDS ON ANYBODY.
OH.
MY JOB IS TO "LOW-TONE" IT,
AND DEFUSE THE SITUATION BEFORE IT BECOMES A SITUATION.
OH, YEAH ?
WELL, DEFUSE THIS.
AH.
MMM.
KEITH, THIS IS DEREK AND JEFFREY.
HEY.
WHAT'S UP ?
YOU TAKE A PEEK INSIDE ?
EXCUSE ME ?
INSIDE THE CASE.
NO.
YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME THE COMBINATION.
NOT THAT I WOULD HAVE IF YOU HAD.
DON'T YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU WERE TRANSPORTING ?
NOT IF YOU DON'T NEED ME TO.
C.D.'S BLING.
C.D. ?
CAMERON DIAZ.
WOW, I'M GOING TO MEET CAMERON DIAZ ?
NO.
I'M PUTTING YOU ON LOBBY DUTY WITH DEREK AND JEFFREY TONIGHT.
OH, GOT IT.
SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW ?
WE'RE DOIN' IT.
YOU GOT SOME SHADES ?
I LEFT THEM IN THE CAR.
I REALLY LIKE THIS TABLE OF YOURS, GEORGE.
ALTHOUGH, I MUST ADMIT I KIND OF MISS THE OLD FORMICA ONE.
I'M SURE BEING A GEOLOGIST YOU KNOW FORMICA
WAS ORIGINALLY DEVELOPED AS AN ELECTRICAL INSULATOR,
CREATED AS A REPLACEMENT FOR MICA, A SILICATE MINERAL.
HENCE THE WORD "FOR MICA."
ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
MICA, WHETHER BIOTITE OR MUSCOVITE,
IS A SILICATE MINERAL, THAT'S TRUE.
BUT FORMICA IS A PLASTIC LAMINATE,
DEVELOPED FOR KITCHEN FURNISHINGS IN THE 1920s.
THE ONE HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THE OTHER.
I STAND CORRECTED THEN.
THEY'RE BOTH SUCH INTERESTING EXPLANATIONS,
THOUGH, AREN'T THEY ?
BY THE WAY, THAT'S MY YOGURT YOU'RE EATING.
MY NAME IS CLEARLY MARKED ON THE SIDE OF THE CONTAINER.
I HOPE YOU'RE PLANNING ON REPLACING
HOWEVER MUCH OF IT YOU CONSUME.
OH.
MAN, I'D FUCK HER.
ME, TOO.
I'D TAP THAT ASS.
OH, YEAH.
NO FUCKIN' DOUBT.
CHECK OUT THAT.
YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT.
I COULD IF I WANTED TO.
IN YOUR DREAMS, YOU COULD.
I'VE HAD FINER THAN THAT.
UH-HUH.
I'D DEFINITELY TAP THAT...
ASS.
OKAY, I THINK YOU SHOULD GO HOME.
IT'S STILL EARLY, THOUGH.
I KNOW...
I JUST WANT SOME ALONE TIME.
OKAY.
SO...
WHEN DO WE STOP DOING THIS
"GOING BACK TO OUR RESPECTIVE PLACES ?"
AT THE END OF 90 DAYS.
90 DAYS, RIGHT.
IT'S A GOOD, HEALTHY PERIOD OF REHABILITATION, THAT'S ALL.
YOU KNOW THERE'S SOME PEOPLE WHO GO TO REHAB FOR 30 DAYS.
THOSE PEOPLE USUALLY RELAPSE.
WHAT ABOUT THE 60-DAY PEOPLE ?
STILL PRETTY "IFFY."
OKAY.
I SEE.
SO...
90 DAYS.
IS IT THE MORNING OF THE 90th DAY,
OR THE EVENING OF THE 90th DAY ?
IT WOULD BE THE 91st, ACTUALLY.
THAT IS SO NOT FAIR.
OH, COME ON.
YOU'RE NOT 17, YOU CAN WAIT.
IT'LL BE WORTH IT, TRUST ME.
BUT I JUST WANT TO SEE THAT WEIRD TATTOO.
YOU'VE SEEN IT ALREADY !
WITHOUT ALL THAT ANNOYING CLOTHING TO DISTRACT ME.
JUST ONCE, I JUST WANT TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE
BEFORE I SLEEP WITH THEM.
PEOPLE USED TO GET ENGAGED BEFORE THEY'D EVEN MET,
AND THEY'D STAY ENGAGED FOR YEARS
WHILE THEY GOT TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
YEAH, PEOPLE ALSO USED TO THINK TH CATS
COULD SUCK THEIR SOULS OUT OF THEIR BODIES.
THEY DO.
YOU KNOW, TECHNICALLY,
I COULD STAY OVER BEFORE THE 90 DAYS.
WE WOULD JUST HAVE TO SORT OF KEEP A LID ON IT.
I DON'T THINK I COULD DO THAT.
OH.
OKAY.
I'M GONNA GO ACROSS THE COURTYARD,
AND I'M GONNA COUNT TO 91 AND I'M GONNA MASTURBATE.
( radio playing )
YOU WANT MORE PIZZA, BABE ?
YOU BARELY ATE A THING.
OH NO, I HAD TWO PIECES, I'M FULL.
USUALLY YOU EAT THE WHOLE PIZZA YOURSELF.
ARE YOU FEELING OKAY ?
YEAH, I FEEL FINE.
CAN I GET SOME MORE TOKENS ?
KEEPING AN EYE ON YOUR BROTHER OVER THERE ?
YES.
HUH ?
HERE.
ONE FOR YOU, ONE FOR HIM.
HOW WAS WORK ?
SAME SHIT, DIFFERENT DAY.
YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING ?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY ?
I ALREADY DID,
BUT OBVIOUSLY YOU WEREN'T LISTENING.
I WAS LISTENING.
WHAT'D I SAY ?
LOOK, VANESSA.
I'M JUST A LITTLE DISTRACTED RIGHT NOW, THAT'S ALL.
THIS IS SHAKEY'S PIZZA NIGHT, BABE,
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.
THE KIDS ARE HAVING A BLAST.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?
NO, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE FUN FOR ALL OF US.
I'M HAVING FUN.
YOU ARE A LYING SACK OF SHIT.
HEY, YOU DIDN'T HAVE MUCH OF ANYTHING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT
FOR SIX FUCKING MONTHS.
CAN'T I BE DISTRACTED FOR ONE NIGHT ?
YOUR CLITORIS HOT, BURNING, WET PINKNESS
I WASN'T THE FIRST AND I WON'T BE THE LAST.
THE CRACK OF THE WORLD FOR ALL TO EXPLORE,
EXCEPT FOR ME.
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.
THAT'S THE END.
THANK YOU.
( applause )
I FEEL VIOLATED.
I DON'T THINK HE'S EVER BEEN LAID.
OH, THAT'S EDIE !
OKAY...
CAN WE MAKE A RULE FOR OPEN MIKE NIGHT ?
NO MORE ANGRY POEMS OR SONGS
WITH CLITORAL OR VAGINAL REFERENCES IN THEM...
UNLESS YOU HAVE ONE.
( laughing )
HERE'S MY POEM DEDICATED TO EVERY GUY I'VE EVER BEEN WITH:
YOUR PENIS IS KINDA NICE
TOO BAD YOU'RE ATTACHED TO IT.
( laughing )
THIS NEXT PIECE IS A COLLABORATION
BETWEEN ME AND MY MOM, WHO LIVES IN CHICAGO.
MY MOM HAS CANCER AND SHE'S REALLY ANGRY,
EVEN THOUGH SHE'S BEEN SMOKING THREE PACKS A DAY
FOR 40 YEARS.
( female voice ) Edie... ?
FEEL SORRY FOR HER YET ?
I just came back from lunch with your Aunt Betty.
AUNT BETTY WHO ONCE TOLD ME BLACK PEOPLE
COULDN'T GO TO HEAVEN.
I feel so lost,
I don't know what to do with myself...
OKAY, I LIED ABOUT THE CANCER PART.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN.
NOTHING !
What happened to me, Edie ?
What happened to my life ?
SHE'S JUST A FUCKING VICTIM,
WHO'S NEVER TAKEN A CHANCE IN HER LIFE
AND HAS NOBODY TO BLAME BUT HERSELF !
I wish I was dead.
ACTUALLY, MY MOM IS THE VICE PRESIDENT
OF THE MIDWESTERN DIRECT MARKETING ASSOCIATION.
I can get any targeted list you want.
Over 65, under 21, married, single, gay, lesbian, smokers,
racists, cancer survivors.
SHE IS PLUNGING HEADLONG INTO THE ABYSS
WITH ALL HER GUNS FIRING !
You just tell me what you want and...
I will deliver !
AND IT WILL TAKE YOU 32 HOURS OF SHEER PHYSICAL AGONY
AND YOU WILL NEVER LET ME FORGET ABOUT IT !
Edie...
( chatter )
YOU MADE HER LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.
WELL...
YOU AND GOD.
THAT'S OUR JOB.
ME AND MY ASSOCIATES, I MEAN.
NOT ME AND GOD.
SO, HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP ?
QUITE WELL.
THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
IT'S OKAY FOR YOU TO BE ANGRY.
I'M NOT ANGRY.
MAYBE YOU JUST DON'T REALIZE IT.
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW ANGER IS A VERY NATURAL
AND NECESSARY STAGE IN THE GRIEVING PROCESS.
NATE--
AND YOU CAN'T JUST SKIP OVER IT.
BELIEVE ME, I'VE BEEN THERE.
YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT
AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO DWELL ON IT.
YOU HAVE TO OWN IT,
ONLY THEN ARE YOU GONNA HAVE ANY CHANCE OF MOVING THROUGH IT,
AND GETTING ON WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
I KNOW THERE'S A REASON GOD CHOSE THIS FOR DOROTHY
AND I KNOW THAT HIS WISDOM IS INFINITE.
BUT WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG ?
I'M NOT.
BUT WHAT IF THERE'S NO GOD, NO HEAVEN ?
NATE--
WHAT IF SHE'S JUST GONE, FOREVER,
LIKE SHE DIDN'T EVEN EXIST,
AND NOW YOU HAVE A CHILD WHO WILL NEVER KNOW HIS MOTHER,
THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANGRY ?
NATE !
IT'S ALRIGHT.
NO, IT'S NOT.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US FOR A MOMENT...
PLEASE.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
I AM JUST TRYING TO HELP THE GUY FACE UP TO THE TRUTH.
I'M UNIQUELY QUALIFIED, DON'T YOU THINK ?
I'M A FUNERAL DIRECTOR AND MY WIFE IS FRESHLY FUCKIN' DEAD,
WHO'S MORE QUALIFIED THAN ME ?
THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, OKAY ?!
LEAVE THESE PEOPLE ALONE.
LOOK, YOU WANT TO LEAVE THEM ALONE ?
FINE, YOU LEAVE THEM ALONE,
BUT DON'T EXPECT ME TO FEED THEM LAME SHIT
LIKE IT'S GOING TO GET BETTER, BECAUSE IT WON'T !
AND PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW THAT !
WELL, MAYBE SOME PEOPLE AREN'T READY FOR THAT.
"FORMICA.
"A DURABLE PLASTIC LAMINATE USED IN KITCHEN FURNISHINGS...
"DEVELOPED AS AN ELECTRICAL INSULATOR
"AS A REPLACEMENT FOR THE SILICATE MINERAL...
MICA."
THAT WAS SO GREAT.
NO, IT WAS SELF-INDULGENT,
AND I STILL DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT'S ABOUT, YOU KNOW ?
BUT I FIGURED, DO THE WORK,
STAY OUT OF THE RESULTS.
I LIKED THE COCK POEM AT THE VERY BEGINNING.
WHICH WAS TOTALLY IMPROVISED, RIGHT ?
WAS I TOO HARD ON HIM ?
OH NO, NOT AT ALL.
I MEAN, HE WAS WEEPING...
YEAH, BUT TWO CUTE GIRLS FOLLOWED HIM OUT BACK.
WELL, MAYBE HE'LL GET A BLOWJOB OUT OF IT.
SO, YOU'RE AT LAC-ARTS, RIGHT ?
YEAH.
WHAT YEAR ?
SOPHOMORE.
YOU ?
JUNIOR, I THINK.
I HAVEN'T BEEN KEEPING TRACK OF MY CREDITS OR ANYTHING.
CLAIRE GREW UP IN A FUNERAL HOME.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TELL HER THAT ?
SO, WHAT'S YOUR MEDIUM ?
PHOTOGRAPHY, MOSTLY,
YEAH, BUT I HAVEN'T PICKED UP MY CAMERA IN LIKE MONTHS...
WHY NOT ?
I DON'T KNOW.
I WENT THROUGH A TOUGH TIME FOR A WHILE.
BUT THAT'S THE BEST TIME TO WORK.
I MEAN, THAT'S WHEN YOUR GUTS ARE ALL RAW
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASTE TOO MUCH TIME THINKING ABOUT IT.
YEAH, I JUST FEEL LIKE ANYTHIN I DO IS GOING TO BE SHIT.
SO ?
WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN,
I MEAN, SOME ASSHOLE WILL MAKE FUN OF YOU ?
LIKE YOU MADE FUN OF POET GUY ?
YEAH, EXACTLY,
I MEAN, I'M SURE THERE ARE PLENTY OF PEOPLE HERE
RIGHT NOW, MAKING FUN OF ME.
YEAH, I GUESS I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME, YOU KNOW ?
WELL, NONE OF US MAY BE HERE TOMORROW.
I MEAN, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW THAT, RIGHT ?
ARE YOU OKAY ?
EVER SINCE LISA DIED,
EVERY DEATH THAT COMES THROUGH HERE
FEELS LIKE HER DYING ALL OVER AGAIN.
IT'S ONLY BEEN A FEW MONTHS, NATE.
YEAH.
I KEEP THINKING IT'S GOING TO GET EASIER.
NO ONE EVER SAID IT EVER GETS EASY.
NOT EASY, EASIER.
JUST FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.
I CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD EVEN FOR THAT LONG,
EVEN WHEN I'M WITH MAYA.
MOST OF ALL, I JUST DON'T THINK
I BELIEVE ANY OF THIS ANYMORE.
ANY OF WHAT ?
THAT ANYTHING WE SAY OR DO ACTUALLY HELPS ANYBODY.
ALRIGHT, LOOK.
( whispering ) I can't do this anymore, David.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ?
I'M SAYING THAT I QUIT.
YOU'RE QUITTING ?
I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS.
YOU'RE CUT OUT FOR THIS, LIKE DAD WAS.
RICO'S CUT OUT FOR THIS.
PROBABLY ARTHUR'S CUT OUT FOR THIS.
I'M NOT.
I AM NOT.
I'M NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS.
AND I HAVE GOT TO FIND SOME OTHER KIND OF LIFE FOR MYSELF.
AND NOT JUST FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR MAYA, TOO.
I HAVE TO.
I'M SORRY.
( moaning )
( dialing )
( phone ringing )
( clearing throat )
( male ) Hello ?
IS THAT YOU MAKING ALL THAT NOISE ?
What noise ?
SOUNDS KIND OF LIKE A MOOSE THAT GOT HIT BY A MACK TRUCK.
I beg your pardon, I'm orgasming.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO DIAL IT BACK A BIT
BEFORE THE LANDLADY CALLS ANIMAL CONTROL.
I can't help it.
Fantasizing about making love to you
is even better than actual sex with most people.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ?
At the moment ?
MMM-HMM.
Nothing.
COME OVER IN THAT.
You're joking, right ?
MAYBE NOT.
BUT COME NOW BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND.
( dial tone )
DID ANYONE SEE YOU COME OVER ?
I HOPE SO.
GET IN HERE.
WELL.
THE BALL'S IN YOUR COURT.
SO TO SPEAK.
IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT, DAVID ?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT ALRIGHT.
NATE QUIT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE QUIT ?
HIS JOB.
WHEN ?
LAST NIGHT.
IT'S NOW "FISHER AND DIAZ" AS IN ONE FISHER AND ONE DIAZ.
WELL, YOU'VE BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT NATE'S WORK.
I WOULD THINK YOU'D BE HAPPY IF HE TOOK A BREAK.
MOM, HE'S NOT TAKING A BREAK.
HE QUIT.
NOW THERE ARE JUST TWO OF US.
I ALREADY HAD TO DROP OUT OF CHORUS
SINCE HE'S ALMOST NEVER HERE WHEN HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE.
PERHAPS THIS IS FOR THE BEST THEN.
I SUPPOSE WE CAN GET ARTHUR TO PICK UP MORE OF THE SLACK.
HE CAN EMBALM AS LONG AS ONE OF US IS IN THE ROOM WITH HIM.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE AVERAGE AMERICAN CHANGES CAREER
SEVEN TIMES DURING HIS OR HER LIFETIME.
HMM.
IS THAT INFORMATION SUPPOSED TO BE USEFUL
IN SOME WAY, GEORGE ?
IT'S JUST A FACT.
AH.
( door slamming )
HEY, I'M GONNA TAKE MAYA TO THE PARK.
OKAY, I KNOW.
HAVE FUN AT THE PARK.
I'LL BE HERE AT WORK, KEEPING US ALL AFLOAT.
( sobbing )
DOROTHY LOVED ALL OF YOU.
AND I KNOW THAT SHE'LL WATCH DOWN ON US WHILE WE SLEEP.
( vibrating )
BUT KNOW THAT SHE IS NOT GONE...
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU, UH... ?
Hey, Dum-dum...
I JUST GOT HOME AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT
HOW SWEET YOU ARE.
AND I MISS YOU.
YEAH.
YEAH, HEY LOOK, I'M AT WORK RIGHT NOW.
I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE--
I was thinking maybe you could...
COME OVER LATER ?
OKAY, PLEASE ?
OKAY.
MAYBE I CAN STOP BY FOR LIKE A LITTLE WHILE.
Oh, could you pick us up something to eat, too ?
SOME...
Nicole loves pizza with pepperoni.
WE CAN EAT IT TOGETHER AND WATCH TV,
IT'LL BE FUN, OKAY ?
I CAN DO THAT.
I'LL BE THERE IN A LITTLE BIT.
OKAY, HURRY, I CAN'T WAIT.
UH, VANESSA JUST CALLED,
AUGUSTO HAS AN EAR INFECTION,
AND SHE NEEDS ME TO TAKE HIM TO THE DOCTOR.
OKAY, FINE, GO.
( door closing )
AAAH, SHIT !
IT JUST STARTED, AND THEN IT WOULDN'T STOP.
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
ALL THE BLOOD WE DRAIN MUST'VE SOMEHOW BACKED UP
INTO THE REST OF THE HOUSE'S PLUMBING.
AFTER WE JUST SPENT 38,000 DOLLARS
FOR A WHOLE NEW SYSTEM LESS THAN TWO YEARS AGO.
SHOULD I CALL THE PLUMBER ?
YES, TELL HIM IT'S AN EMERGENCY !
AND DON'T LET ANYBODY USE THE BATHROOM !
THIS IS SO FUCKING GROSS.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ?
I'M TAKING PICTURES.
THIS IS LIKE RIGHT OUT OF "THE SHINING."
THIS IS NOT COOL, OR LEGAL !
STOP IT !
WHAT BUG CRAWLED UP YOUR ASS ?
THIS IS OUR FAMILY BUSINESS, CLAIRE !
EVEN IF I'M THE ONLY ONE IN THE FAMILY
WHO GIVES A SHIT ANYMORE !
WELL, WHAT IF YOU NEED PHOTOS
FOR LIKE THE INSURANCE COMPANY OR SOMETHING ?
ALRIGHT, TAKE SOME MORE.
BUT THIS IS NOT AN ART PROJECT.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
WHOO, OH !
GOOD JOB.
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT.
GOOD JOB.
( chuckling )
WELL, WHOEVER DID YOUR LAST JOB
CUT SOME CORNERS BY USING PVC INSTEAD OF COPPER,
AND THAT'S NOT GOOD.
AND THEN YOU HAD YOUR DRAINAGE LINE
BURSTING AND BACKING UP INTO YOUR SEPTIC
AND ONCE THAT HAPPENED
EVERYTHING KIND OF WENT TO HELL FROM THERE.
BUT I REPLACED ALL YOUR BUSTED PVC WITH COPPER,
AND YOU SHOULD BE OKAY.
I JUST NEED YOU TO INITIAL HERE,
HERE, AND SIGN HERE.
THANKS FOR COMING SO QUICKLY.
HEY, THAT'S...
THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR.
IS SOMETHING WRONG ?
NO.
I'M DOING SOMETHING WRONG ?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
AM I ?
NOT AT ALL.
IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD, ISN'T IT ?
IT'S ALWAYS WEIRD IN THE BEGINNING.
IS THIS MORE WEIRD, OR LESS WEIRD ?
YOU WANT ME TO COMPARE ?
NO.
I MEAN, YES.
I DO, KIND OF...
BUT ONLY IF IT'S A FAVORABLE COMPARISON.
THIS IS FINE.
OH, GOOD.
IS IT GOOD FOR YOU ?
YES, DEFINITELY.
GOOD, I'M GLAD.
I THINK WE'RE TALKING TOO MUCH ?
YES.
I REALLY LIKE YOU, BRENDA.
WE'RE DEFINITELY TALKING TOO MUCH.
( moaning )
YOU CERTAINLY DO HAVE A LOT OF HAIR IN YOUR EARS.
I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHY,
FROM AN EVOLUTIONARY PERSPECTIVE,
HOMO SAPIENS GET HAIRIER THE OLDER THEY GET.
YOU HAVE SUCH AN INTERESTING WAY OF LOOKING AT THE WORLD, GEORGE.
RUTH, I HAVE THE FEELING THAT YOUR CHILDREN DON'T CARE
ALL THAT MUCH FOR ME.
THAT'S NOT TRUE.
PERHAPS YOU TRY A BIT TOO HARD WITH THEM.
I'M JUST TRYING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM,
THAT'S ALL.
I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT I'M FINDING YOUR FAMILY
A LITTLE DIFFICULT TO CONNECT WITH.
TURN YOUR HEAD, PLEASE.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE IF I DIDN'T TRY SO HARD.
I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.
AND SOONER OR LATER
EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS FAMILY WILL LOVE YOU, TOO.
I QUIT MY JOB.
I QUIT MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE.
YOU DIDN'T QUIT, YOU GOT FIRED.
I GUESS MAYBE I DID.
IT MAY HAVE NOT THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
BUT IT'S RIGHT UP THERE.
GETTING MARRIED, BECOMING A FATHER,
GETTING CREAMED BY A BUS,
NOW THOSE ARE SOME OF LIFE'S BIG MOMENTS.
YOU WERE NEVER CUT OUT FOR THIS BUSINESS.
THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN THINKING.
I MEAN, IT'S ALL A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT, RIGHT ?
SOMETIMES, YES, SOMETIMES, NO.
SOMETIMES I'D EVEN SURPRISE MYSELF WITH
HOW HEARTFELT I'D FIND MYSELF IN A GIVEN SITUATION,
AND THEN SOMETIMES YOU JUST SAY THE WORDS
AND HOPE NOBODY REALIZES THAT YOU'RE COMPLETELY FULL OF CRAP.
IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US.
BUT YOU'RE PROBABLY BETTER OFF.
I'D GIVE ANYTHING IF LISA HADN'T DIED.
BUT THEN AGAIN, WHEN SHE WAS HERE,
I JUST WANTED TO BE FREE.
YOU COMING INSIDE ?
NO.
NOT TODAY.
THIS ONE ?
SHE'S A KEEPER.
YEAH, ISN'T SHE THOUGH ?
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T FUCK THAT UP.
YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, BUDDY BOY.
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE ?
COME ON.
SO YOU STILL HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN CAMERON DIAZ ?
IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO DAYS, SHE'S VERY PRIVATE.
APPARENTLY SO.
IT'S A GLAMOROUS JOB, WHAT CAN I SAY ?
YOU LIKE THE GUYS YOU'RE WORKING WITH ?
THEY'RE OKAY.
I GOT A BLOWJOB TODAY.
YOU DID NOT.
I DID.
FROM WHO ?
FROM THE PLUMBER.
YOU GOT A BLOWJOB FROM A PLUMBER ?
HIS NAME WAS ANDY.
A WHITE GUY ?
YEAH, HE WAS GOOD WITH A WRENCH.
DID YOU RETURN THE FAVOR ?
NO !
YOU BETTER NOT THINK YOU'RE GETTING OUT
OF HAVING SEX WITH ME TONIGHT.
OKAY.
BUT I MIGHT NEED YOU TO TALK ABOUT
WATER RAMS AND HAND SNAKES.
( laughing )
DO YOU SUPPOSE IT MIGHT BE A LATE WEDDING PRESENT ?
WELL, THERE'S NO RETURN ADDRESS.
WHAT IS IT ?
I BELIEVE IT'S...
FECES.
FECES ?
WHO IN THE WORLD WOULD SEND YOU FECES IN THE MAIL ?
I DON'T KNOW.
LOOK AT THIS, MAYA, SOMEBODY SENT GRANDPA
A BIG, STEAMING PILE OF DOOKY.
WAIT.
DON'T THROW IT AWAY BEFORE I CAN GET MY CAMERA.
* LOOKIN' AT THE DEVIL
* GRINNIN' AT HIS GUN
* FINGERS START SHAKIN'
* I BEGIN TO RUN
* BULLETS START CHASING
* I BEGIN TO STOP
* WE BEGIN TO WRESTLE
* I WAS ON THE TOP
* I WANT TO THANK YOU FALETTINME BE MICE ELF AGIN *
Captions Copyright 2004 HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
Captioned by HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER