It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
-Mom, where's Dad? -Over across the street.
He's collecting Cleveland's mail while he's out of town.
Black guy mail.
Peter, you're just supposed to pick up Cleveland's mail, not go through it.
Lois, black people are different than you and I.
And me, I find that hilarious.
Boy, Cleveland gets a lot of magazines.
Grape Soda Today.
Orange Soda Quarterly.
The Fruit Punch Reader.
Hey, what you got there, Stewie?
Ooh, Mustache Aficionado.
Wow, look at these men.
What class, what grace.
And all because of a little upper lip hair.
Lois, I am going to grow a mustache.
Then I'll have it made like the Monopoly guy.
Except when he goes directly to jail.
(MORGAN FREEMAN IMPRESSION) I wish I could tell you
that the Monopoly guy fought the good fight
and the Sisters let him be.
I wish I could tell you that.
But prison is no fairy-tale world.
Hey, Rupert, what if the refrigerator
was a monster that talked like this?
(RASPY VOICE) I am a monster.
I am going to bite your fingers.
Here I come. I'm going to get you.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Ah! I don't want to play anymore!
Normal voice, normal voice! The refrigerator can't hurt me. Okay?
Oh, my God, Dad, what's on your face?
It's a mustache, Meg.
Oh, I think it's sexy.
I think it's gay.
It's not gay, Brian.
If I'm gay, then Freddie Mercury was gay.
Freddie Mercury-- the lead singer of Queen?
He was incredibly gay.
He was not! He had a mustache--
which is practically like a wedding ring.
I imagine you're going to be much more of a stern father,
now that you have a mustache.
Well, Chris, there may be more lap sitting
than there's been.
And I might answer most of your questions with a story.
But, mostly, my mustache tells people
that there is a 90% chance that I am poorly educated,
that I keep upscale porn magazines out in the open,
and that I listen to the Little River Band
with giant headphones.
Ugh! That's the ugliest thing the Fatman's grown
since that horse leg.
Hey, Peter, have you seen my-- (GROANS)
Aw, Brian, I'm sorry, but what do I keep saying?
Do not stand behind me.
Because I will get scared.
ANNOUNCER: And now back to "One Tree Hill."
Dude, let me tell you something.
There is nothing that'll ever happen in the rest of our lives
that's as important as what's going on right here, right now,
in high school, by these lockers.
I've got so many problems.
Hey, nothing that can't be fixed by staring at a lake.
High school is such a serious thing
These problems matter
God, these high school students are lame.
I'm a freakin' baby, and I'm cooler than they are.
What the hell do you know about high school?
Are you kidding?
These kids today are so easy to manipulate.
If you plopped me in the middle of a high school,
I could be the most popular kid there in a week.
Really?
Would you care to place a wager on that?
Absolutely. What are the stakes?
Okay, if I win and you can't do it,
you have to put your nose in Meg's hat and take an eight-second inhale.
Okay, it's a bet.
-Great. -Kiss on it?
-What? -Oop.
Wow, Dad, you're up early.
Yep, it's a mustache kind of morning, Chris.
I watched the sunrise in my jeans,
jean shirt and jean jacket.
Gosh, mustache culture is pretty cool.
You betcha, son.
I'm gonna make you some hash browns for breakfast,
and then, later, I'm gonna take you down to the whorehouse
to lose your virginity.
-Would you like that? -Would I?
Wow, that's a way better present
than that buff hamster you got me last Christmas.
Dad, all it's done is run on that wheel
for the past three weeks.
Yeah, looks like it's in pretty good shape.
-Can I pick it up? -I wouldn't.
Boy, you know, I've always wanted to come in here,
and now that I got a mustache, the timing feels right.
Wow, all this stuff looks pretty good.
Can we get some salami, and...
Brian, Brian, let me handle this.
Uh, scusi. Bah buh-da boopy?
-(SPEAKS ITALIAN) -Peter, what are you doing?
Speaking Italian. Ba-ba-da boopy?
Ba-boo-ba-da-bee- ba-da-ba-bada.
Peter, you can't speak Italian
just because you have a mustache.
Bo buh-da boppa! Bo bo bee bee, ba ba beepy! Bappa!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(PETER GIBBERING, MAN YELLING IN ITALIAN)
All right, dog, here we go.
Prepare to lose a bet,
'cause I'm about to become the most popular boy in school.
Uh, excuse me, pardon me, are you the cool children?
Yeah. Who are you?
My name is Zac Sawyer.
I just transferred here from
Rich, Expensive-Car-Drivin', Sex-Havin' High School.
Whoa. That sounds awesome.
No, it's lame. Everything's lame.
Wow, if he says one more cool thing, he's in.
I wear long sleeve shirts under short sleeve shirts
under long sleeve shirts.
-Oh, my God, you're wicked cool! -Oh, you're so cool!
You've checkmated my teenage cynicism!
Excellent. I'm a bigger hit with the kids than Will Smith
and his nice, clean rap.
Woo!
Ha-ha
I respect women when I'm on a date
I take 'em to the park or maybe a museum
And I only try to kiss 'em if they're ready, woo-hoo
What-what, what, a-what, I say what-what
Help out your mom and dad by getting a job
So you can help pay for school supplies, woo-hoo!
Say ho
Wipe your shoes on the mat when you come in the house
Someone just cleaned that floor, woo-hoo
Say what-what
Ha-ha
Peter, don't you think you're kind of
letting that mustache consume your personality?
Shut up, Brian. I am part of a very special community now.
People with mustaches look out for each other.
-Hey. Oh, hey! -(KEYPAD BEEPING)
-MAN: Hey! -Hey, Jeffrey,
Peter Griffin has a mustache!
-No way! -Way.
-Oh! -I know!
Oh, my God, Peter, look!
McBurgertown is on fire!
It's out of control!
We need someone to man the other hose!
Hey, that guy has a mustache! Grab him!
We need your help! Take this hose!
MAN: Help!
Oh, my God! There's somebody trapped inside!
Wait, if I go in there, I could get hurt.
No! No, with great mustache comes great responsibility.
(SCREAMING)
My mustache!
No!
God bless you, sir, you saved my life.
But at what cost? At what cost?
Peter, have you seen Brian?
No, Lois, I have not.
Well, I haven't seen him since this morning
and I... What is that on your head?
It's a mustache, Lois.
What, you never seen a mustache before?
Lois, would you mind calling the police or something?
Quiet, mustache!
Oh, my God!
Peter, I know you're upset about losing that thing,
but get a grip on yourself.
Let Brian down.
No. I'm not living my life without a mustache.
Even if, sometimes, my mustache has Alpo gas.
(FARTING)
-Mustache fart. -(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hello, I'm looking for Peter Griffin.
I'm Peter Griffin.
Mr. Griffin, my name is Todd Meyers.
I'm the man you rescued from McBurgertown.
Oh, yeah, you're the guy who cost me my mustache.
What, did you come over here to rape my daughter?
No, I own the restaurant, and to show my gratitude,
I'd like to offer you a lifetime supply of McBurgertown burgers.
Free burgers?
Oh, man, this is a way better offer
than the one I got from Helen Hunt.
You wanna have sex?
No...
No, no, no, no...
No... no.
Peter, you should really slow down.
You've already had like 30 hamburgers.
Shut up, Brian.
It relieves the pain of mustachelessness.
And it's working.
I no longer feel the pain.
Come to think of it, I can't really feel anything
on the left half of my body.
Really? That doesn't sound good.
Peter, are you winking at me?
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance!
Doctor, what happened?
Is he gonna be okay?
Mrs. Griffin, your husband has had a stroke.
The left half of his body is completely paralyzed.
Oh, my God!
Peter, sweetheart, how do you feel?
Uh... had better days, Lois.
Had better days.
Mom, it's been three months.
When is Dad gonna get better?
Chris, I've already explained this to you.
Your father had a stroke and it may take him a long time to recover.
PETER: Lois! Bring me another beer, please!
(SIGHS)
Uh, Lois, you mind telling me what the hell you think you're doing?
I'm handing you a beer.
You are handing it to my stroke arm.
This is my good arm!
Bring the beer over here!
That's better.
So, I'm shaving last night at this make-out party.
I took a bunch of pictures.
You can see them on my MySpace page,
along with my favorite songs and movies and things
that other people have created, but that I use to express my individualism.
I have a MySpace page too.
Yeah, I have mine ironically.
Hey, why don't you guys get lost.
I have to talk to Connie.
-Hey, guess what? -What?
That's what. No, but seriously,
there's something I want to talk to you about.
Sure, Zac. Anything for you.
You wanna go out to Anal Point this weekend,
see what all the buzz is about?
OMG!
That'd be so awesome!
Sweet. We're gonna have a real ragin' time.
Before you know it, we'll be like an old married couple.
(SLURPS)
(ENGINE STARTS)
-Uh, Lois? -LOIS: Yeah?
Uh, Peter's getting in the car.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(OVER RADIO) ...baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped
Look at that low plane, fine, then, uh-oh, overflow
Population, common group, but it'll do
Save yourself, serve yourself
World serves its own needs, listen to your heartbeat
Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right, right
Your vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight, bright light
Feeling pretty psyched
It's the end of the world as we know it
-(TIRES SQUEAL) -(PETER SCREAMS)
Stroke, stroke, stroke!
Stop mocking me!
Well, Brian, you've lost your bet.
I-- or rather, my alter ego, Zac Sawyer--
am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High.
Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one.
Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now?
Oh, no, Brian. I'm enjoying myself too much
Do you know that I've got a date
with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night, at Anal Point?
Ah, I've heard about that place.
Really? What's it like?
'Cause I have no idea.
Well, uh, I suppose if you imagine it
like a parking space that you think,
"Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there."
But then you fold in the sideview mirrors,
and sure enough, well, look at that.
Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be
the parking space than the car.
Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.
I hate being all strokey.
This is all your fault, McBurgertown.
You and your delicious hamburgers!
I swear I'll get back at you someday
for what you did to me and what you did to Wimpy.
(SLURRED SPEECH) I would gladly pay you Tuesday
for a hamburger today.
If only there were some way
I could be like everybody else again.
How long was I in there?
About five minutes.
Why are we not funding this?
Sweetheart, that's incredible.
And it only took five minutes?
Five minutes. I went in there
they injected me with a little bit of that fetal crap,
and bam, good ol' gambling man Peter.
And now I can take my revenge on McBurgertown.
-Wait. What? -It's their fault I had a stroke, Brian.
And I'm gonna sue 'em for it.
Peter, you ate 30 hamburgers.
It was your own fault.
Yeah, besides, Peter,
those companies have huge legal divisions.
You can't fight that.
I'll find a way with the help of my snarky cat lawyer
Meowsy McDermott.
You've got to be kitten me!
Ha!
(GAVEL BANGS)
This court finds in favor of the defendant,
McBurgertown Industries.
What? Hey, come on! That's not fair!
Mr. Griffin, what did you expect?
They have a hundred lawyers, and you tried to bribe me
with a subscription to Grape Soda Today
which I already have.
Case dismissed.
What did I tell you, Peter? One man can't take on
a multinational fast food conglomerate.
Oh, yes, I can. This ain't over, Brian.
Those people are bad, and I'm gonna prove it to the world.
-How do you expect to do that? -Are you kidding?
I've tackled tougher jobs before.
Remember that time I was Robin Williams' jumping-off point?
-Okay... religion. -Oh, religion.
You kill me, I kill you, we both go to heaven.
(ULULATING) 72 virgins, huh!
You might have to help me out with the last ten or so
because Mr. Happy gets tired-- religion.
-Uh... politics. -Oh, politics.
(TEXAS DRAWL) Well, we're gonna come down there
and take all your oil.
(ARABIC ACCENT) But this is our oil.
(DRAWL) Yee-haw! Well, here's my missile.
(ARABIC ACCENT) Okay, take it, take it.
-Politics. -Uh, you know what?
I'm gonna take a five-minute break.
Huh, five-minute break.
What are you, a construction worker?
(WHISTLES) Hey, baby, I'm not gay.
(LISPING) Does this yellow hat make my ass look fat?
Five-minute break.
You enjoy the movie, baby?
Yeah, but I think I'm gonna enjoy this even more.
Ugh! No, thanks. I am stuffed.
So, we just gonna sit here and talk
or are we gonna do it?
All right, baby, those are the magic words.
Now check this out!
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
Yeah, I am ready for sex.
I drank eight gallons of water today.
This baby's ready to explode.
Is... Is there more underneath
or is that it?
I'm sorry?
(LAUGHING)
Zac, just get the hell out of my car.
(LAUGHING)
That's it? That was sex?
What a rip-off. I should sue her.
Be careful you're not held in contempt of cat.
Ha!
Pardon me. We're two Asian businessmen
looking to invest in McBurgertown Industries,
and we'd like a tour of your facility.
You don't look Asian.
Well, I guess we'll just take
our millions of dongs elsewhere.
Wait, wait!
Let me get our general manager.
Peter, what the hell do you expect to accomplish here?
Evidence, Brian.
I'm gonna find just the right piece
of incriminating evidence to bring down this company.
Over here is a menu
from our first McBurgertown restaurant in 1952.
At that time, our value meal consisted of a hamburger,
a cup of coffee and a Lucky Strike.
Wow. How much did all that cost?
Back in the '50s, one straw penny.
A whole strawpenny?
Indeed. Follow me.
Hey, what's in there?
Oh, I'm sorry. That's off limits.
Now if you'll excuse me for a second,
I have to go to the bathroom for about 30 minutes
as I eat a lot of meat.
Please give me your word that you won't go in that door.
-Okay. -Good. See you in a half hour.
-Peter, this is your chance! -Brian, I gave him my word.
The hell with that. Let's see what's behind this door.
(CATTLE MOOING)
My God, what is this?
This must be the McBurgertown slaughterhouse.
Sir, you are correct. But in here, we call it "DaCow."
-DaCow? -DaCow,
except we spell the "chau" part C-O-W,
like "cow," so it's kind of a... eh, sort of a dark joke.
Yeah, yeah, it's a Holocaust joke.
That's, that's really funny.
Unfortunately, life in a slaughterhouse
is no laughing matter.
They have killed a great many of us,
including my beloved wife.
Peter, this is it.
This is the evidence you've been looking for.
If we can get you out of here, would you be willing to testify
publicly about these atrocities?
Oh, absolutely.
But how do you intend to escape?
You leave that to us.
Come on.
GENERAL MANAGER: Hey!
There they are! After them!
(ALL GASP)
("PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY" PLAYS)
Ta, ta-ta-ta, ta, ta-ta-ta, ta, ta-ta-ta, ta, ta-ta-ta
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Ta, ta-ta-ta, ta, ta-ta-ta, ta, ta-ta-ta, ta, ta-ta-ta
Ah, ah, ah, ah
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Charcoal burning everywhere
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Here in status symbol land
(TIRES SQUEAL)
Hey, hey, what's up, Lucas?
What the hell's your problem?
Hey, Logan, what's going on?
What the hell is going on here?
Nothing, baby penis.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, yes, I have a baby-- Oh...
Well, for your information, I don't want a big penis.
I think they're messy.
Well, you've effectively ended
my reign of coolness, haven't you?
You're a disgrace, you know that?
Hey, you're the one with the tiny penis.
(SIGHS) You know, Connie, look, you're right.
I behaved like a fool. And I apologize.
But, before I go, could I maybe have one last kiss?
Well, I guess so.
Look, this girl is making out with a baby!
A nude baby!
(ALL GASP)
(SHRIEKS) Hey!
That's right. To hell with you all!
I am who I am.
Here comes the story of The Hurricane
The man the authorities came to blame
For something that he never done
Quiet, everybody, this is it.
The McBurgertown franchise suffered
a publicity setback today from which it may not recover,
thanks to testimony regarding its practices
by a very brave cow.
I have revealed to you, today, these horrors
in the hope that you will see the need for change.
But always remember, what I have done here today
is not a courageous act.
The courage lies with a man who has the guts
to say no to a fast food restaurant
and eat a salad instead.
To say, "I will eat this salad with pride.
I don't care if I look like a gay person."
So to all of you salad-eating homosexuals,
I say thank you.
And thank you, Peter, for all you've done
to help expose this grave injustice.
Where will you go now, Mr. Cow?
I cannot stay here?
Peter said I could stay here.
Oh, gosh. Yeah, I don't--
I don't really see how that's gonna work out.
Oh. Well, as I said, Peter just promised--
Yeah, I should stop you there.
I didn't really promise anything.
I just said "Maybe, if it was okay with Lois."
Boy, it just seems like a real burden to me.
Well, this is pretty awkward.