It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous,
homosexual gynecologist.
Okay, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look.
Ew! It looks like a sad, old man.
Hey, check it out, you guys,
I got a new cell phone that takes pictures.
Look, look, I took a picture of Lois's poo.
(ALL LAUGH)
Oh, that's hilarious, you should e-mail that to me.
Hey, did you guys see the game last night?
Oh, yeah.
That offensive line is outstanding.
Yeah, you should e-mail me that picture.
-Hey, boys! -What the hell are you guys doing here?
Oh, we just decided to have a little girls' night out.
Yeah, you guys talk about this place all the time,
we figured we'd give it a try.
Bernice, we haven't really been dating long enough
for you to be hanging out with my friends' wives.
-Shut up, Cleveland. -Okay.
Ooh, oh, check it out, girls!
Jukebox! Huh?
Hey, you guys want to dance?
-Yeah, totally! -Hell yeah!
(ALL GIGGLING)
I will survive, I will survive
Oh, my God, this sucks!
The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women.
This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jack Black
in The Unconventional Butler.
Edgar, could you bring me some tea?
(SCREAMING) Yeah!
-Yeah! -Wait a minute.
Butlers are supposed to be fancy and well-mannered.
This guy's screaming and waving his arms around!
You're an old man! You don't understand the young people.
You're right, I'll change from now on.
Oh my God, that was so much fun!
You know, boys,
we just might make this our regular spot.
-Peter. Peter? -Yeah, sorry, Joe, I, uh,
just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.
It's the best show you're not watching.
I hate shows that cut away
from the story for some bull crap.
(CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING)
Fellas, our way of life is being threatened,
and we gotta do something about it.
Couldn't we just ask the women to leave?
No, no. I got something way more expensive
and time-consuming in mind.
Well, men, the Quahog Men's Club is complete.
It took six weeks and cost $8,000,
but it was worth it.
Peter, I wish you'd get rid of this thing.
-It's an absolute eyesore. -What do you care, Lois?
You girls got the Clam, we got the Quahog Men's Club.
Besides, we're not hurting anybody.
What are you talking about?
You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house!
What is this?
There's something wrong with the house!
I don't like change!
Peter, you can't just slap together
flimsy structures in the yard.
Why not? Herbert did it.
Y-M-C-A
It's fun to stay at the
Y-M-C-A
Mm.
All right, Peter, this is a tough one.
All right, are you ready for this?
Okay, would you have sex with Cleveland
if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?
Uh...
Yeah, yeah, I'd probably do it.
Hang on, hang on... Missionary.
And you have to look him in the eye.
No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else.
I think still yes.
Thank you, Peter.
All right, here's another one.
Who would you rather have sex with?
A very pregnant Gina Gershon
or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?
Wait, hang on, hang on...
Look, you know, I know this is a men's club,
but why does it always have to be about sex?
Like, okay, look, how about this, how about this:
who would you rather start a small business with,
Janet Reno after a safari,
or the fat guy from My Name is Earl?
-That still sounds like a sex question. -It is not.
Well, then what the hell does "safari" have to do with it?
What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
-651. -That's not bad.
-Better than mine. -Does he have an idea,
or do I have to come up with it myself?
He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.
I'd have to give it to Janet Reno,
'cause I've always had this business plan
for home delivery of prescription medications,
and that seems like it's more her market.
This is stupid!
I want to talk about vaginas!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Well, I'd say the men's club inaugural ball
is a huge success.
Hey, guys, let's play a party game.
Let's go stand over near Brian,
and we'll take a drink
every time he says "bonerific."
-Bonerific? -Yeah, it's his catchphrase.
-He says it all the time. -Yeah, sure, I'm in.
-Okay. -Yeah, let's do it!
(GIGGLING)
Hey, hey, Brian, how you feeling tonight?
Good. Having a nice time.
Are you feeling terrific,
or any variation on that word?
Oh, sure. No complaints.
My skin's a little dry.
He's not saying it, Peter.
(WHISPERING)
What?
-(WHISPERING) -No.
Why would I say that? It's not even a word.
-What isn't a word? -Bonerific.
-Ah! -Ah!
Did I tell you?
You can't keep this guy from saying it!
-Boy, great party, huh, Fred? -Yeah.
You know, Barn, I figure I ought to tell you this.
I was walking by your house the other day,
and, uh, I poked my head in the window
and Betty was undressing.
Uh, she saw me there, but she didn't stop.
-What? -She didn't stop.
I mean, she saw me there,
looking at her, and she kept undressing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you serious?
Yeah.
I got an erocktion.
(GROANS) I got a headache.
-Do you have any Anacin? -Any what?
-Anacin? -Yeah, Anacin.
Do they even make Anacin anymore?
Yeah, it's still around. Why?
No, it just seems like sort of a '70s medication.
-So, you don't have any Anacin? -No.
God, you're more worthless than Colin Farrell.
So, uh...
Got the wool cap on, huh?
Yeah, yeah, I guess, you know,
whatever, it's 96 degrees out.
Yeah, you'd better put on the old wool cap.
Yeah.
You got a lot going on under there, yeah?
Under... Under the wool cap?
Thinking about your sideburns?
Yeah. No, no, no, no, you're not a complete jackass.
Yeah. Oh, hey, nice T-shirt.
"Phresh" and it... and it's spelled with a "P-H."
Oh, that's fun, 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F."
Yeah. Oh, you got a little tear in your pants, there...
Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, yeah, you're a bad boy.
You're a bad boy.
Society wants your pants to be intact,
but you're just not gonna listen, are you?
My God, this is ridiculous.
I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to kill you.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
All right, one more pre-party drink,
and then we'll head off to the Clam.
It's cheaper to drink at your house first.
(MEN CHEERING)
Boy, they sure are making a lot of noise out there.
Those idiots have done nothing
but hang out in that stupid shed for the last two days.
We should crash that party.
Hey, you know what, Bernice is right.
They're always trying to get away from us.
We should march in there
and remind them that they have wives.
Especially if they have food,
because bar food is so overpriced.
Man, who invited Anne Frank?
Quagmire, tell that story
about the girl with the inside-out anus.
-Oh, you mean Blossom? -Oh, that's a great story.
All right, so I'm skulking around the intensive care unit,
and all of sudden this smoking hot chick...
Hey, boys! Mind if we join the party?
-Sorry, Lois, no girls allowed. -Oh, come on, Peter.
It'd be good to have some chicks in here.
Quagmire, you nuts? This is a men's club.
There's the problem. The ratio be terrible.
It's a total mast-fest in here.
Yeah, this is sort of lame.
Well, we can fix that.
Come on, girls, let's dance!
-(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) -Hey, hey, hey, stop it!
You women can't dance in here!
Well, I know two people who'll take my side on this.
The stuffy parents from Dirty Dancing.
Right, guys?
Sorry, Peter. Even we're getting into it.
Oh!
What's the matter, Bonnie?
Don't you want to dance?
Oh, it's okay, Joe.
I don't mind sitting here with you.
What I mean is...
I don't want to hold you back.
Don't be silly, honey.
It's just as nice watching other people have fun.
God, I hate being handicapped.
Sometimes I feel more useless
than the head of the Maid's Union.
And what exactly are your demands?
We need more Lemon Pledge.
You need more Lemon Pledge?
Yes.
We're not responsible for that.
You should just bring it from your own home.
No.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello.
Oh, hi, Lois.
Yeah, last night was fun.
Oh, it's okay, I'm used to not dancing.
I mean, I knew what to expect after, you know, Joe's accident,
and I'm... I'm prepared to live the rest of my life this way.
Poor Bonnie.
She deserves so much better than me.
God, she must regret this marriage.
If only there was some way for me to walk again.
Wait a minute, what am I saying?
There's nothing wrong with me.
I'm no different than any other guy!
Joe, would you put on your hand-shoes
and take out the garbage?
Thank you.
(SOBBING)
Hey, thanks for coming with me, Peter.
It sure would be wonderful
if Dr. Hartman could help me walk again.
I'm sorry, Mayor McCheese,
but I'm not sure if any cosmetic surgery is even possible.
Look, if it's a financial issue...
It's not an issue of money,
your head is a cheeseburger.
There's no blood flow to it.
It's just, it's just dead cow meat.
All right, well,
I appreciate you giving it to me straight.
All right, then, have a tasty afternoon.
-(CHUCKLES) -Ah, there's a smile.
So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?
Doc, I can't take it anymore.
I want to walk again. I'll do whatever it takes.
Well, there is a highly experimental new procedure.
It's essentially a leg transplant.
If you'd be willing to sign a waiver,
I think I may be able to help you.
You know, when you talk,
you sound, a lot like my father-in-law,
-Carter Pewterschmidt. -Oh, that's funny.
He's a patient of mine.
Here's my urine sample, Doctor.
-Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt. -Oh, hi, Peter.
You know, Peter says we sound alike.
Really? I don't hear it.
Actually, I think I do hear it now.
-Really? -Yeah, you know,
we've never really had any extended interactions,
so I've never noticed it.
Hey, I think I hear it, too.
Seems lazy, doesn't it?
Well, there's only so many voices in the world.
Some of them are bound to be similar.
Now, Mr. Swanson,
through the magic of digital imaging,
we'll select the legs most suited to your body
from our inventory of donors.
-Hey, what about these? -Ah, good choice.
These are the only ones we have in stock
-that aren't hilarious. -I'll take 'em!
Ah, Joe, you are gonna be happier than bullfrogs
on vacation in Ethiopia.
Ah, this is fantastic!
This is even better than they said it was in the brochure!
Oh, I feel like a pig,
but, come on, we're on vacation!
Exactly, don't hate yourself,
we're on vacation, right?
Yeah, I hear Madonna
is raising this guy's kid.
Now, just relax, Mr. Swanson,
and let the anesthetic do its job.
-All right, Doc, I trust you. -Good.
Now, I'll just pop in the how-to video,
-and we'll get started. -What?
Hi, I'm Jamie Farr,
and you're aboutto perform leg surgery.
No!
He's been in there an awful long time.
I hope everything's all right.
Gentlemen, I give you...
the new Joe Swanson.
-(ALL GASP) -Oh!
Well, what do you think?
-Oh, honey! -Oh, my God, you look great, Joe!
-Oh, that is fantastic! -Holy crap!
They still got that new leg smell.
I put his old legs in a bag if you want them.
Oh, great. You know what?
We'll take them home, we'll give them to Brian.
Come on, Joe, I'll drive you home.
Are you kidding?
I've got working legs for the first time
in 15 years, and I'm gonna use them.
I'm walking home!
I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson.
Hospital rules... you have to leave in a wheelchair.
(SIGHS)
Oh, Joe, that was amazing.
I know. I was there.
My God, we haven't done it in so long,
I'd forgotten how big you were.
I was gonna say the same thing to you.
MAN: (ON TV) Coming this fall on Fox, a new reality show...
Who Wants To Marry Corky From Life Goes On?
You won't believe what happens!
-Come on, guys, let's go! -Go? Where we going?
Listen, these new legs have given me my life back.
I want to do all the things I could never do
when I was handicapped.
And you guys are my best friends.
I want you to experience it all with me.
You can count on us, Joe.
Oh, this is great!
I feel so alive! Come on, ladies!
Kick your high heels off and get moving!
You guys are a disgrace!
Peter, this doesn't seem safe.
Yeah, I'm afraid I might...
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Oh. Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man.
Everybody gets one.
Tell him, Peter.
Uh, apparently, everybody gets one.
Bingo.
I don't know about this, Joe.
There is no fear in this dojo!
Joe, we-we don't even know what a dojo is.
There is no mercy in this dojo!
Joe, why don't you take it down a notch?
No mercy!
(FARTS)
All right, we're gonna do it once more.
(ALL GROAN)
And this time, no mistakes!
One, two, three, four!
(MUSICAL INTRO PLAYS)
Good mornin', good mornin'
It's greatto stay up late
Good mornin',good mornin' to you
When the bandbegan to play
The stars wereshining bright
But now the milkman's on his way
It's too late to say good night
(SHOUTING) So say good mornin'
(CRYING) Ah! Good mornin'!
Sunbeams will soon smile through
Good mornin', good mornin' to you
Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana
In the mornin',in the morn--
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were still going.
My God, Joe is running us ragged.
Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted
since I had that job
as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper.
A pallet? Am I... Am I reading this right?
You need a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels?
(STAMMERING) Where the hell am I supposed to...
And what is this? A drum of grape jam?
Is that... What is that?
Is that like a drum like they ship oil in? Is that...
(STAMMERING) And look at this one...
"A desk of Cheez-Its."
A desk?
Where-where are you getting these units of measurement from?
-Mary. -(CHUCKLES)
That is still funny.
Okay, you stay right here, big funny gal.
I'll be right back with a "hammock of cake."
Yeah, "Dave Matthews Live."
I'll burn you a copy. Stay cool.
Hey, Joe. What you got there?
Mountain bike.
Oh, Joe, I-I don't know.
I'm still chafed from that power walk.
Both of my inner thighs look
like those big cherry Swedish Fish.
Don't worry.
I'm not taking you pansies.
I'm taking my new friends.
This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland.
Is Portland the Black one?
Portland is the Black one.
Joe, what the... What the hell is this?
Well, Peter, I realized over the last few days,
the only reason I hung out with you guys
is that I was crippled and you were lazy.
I decided it's time I got some friends
more suited to my status.
But, Joe, we've been friends for years.
Hey, we all make mistakes.
Come on, dudes, let's go exercise.
-Exercise! -Yeah!
I'm gonna do sit-ups till I poop myself!
I can't believe it.
Joe just dumped us. He's gone.
And all we got to remember him by are his old legs.
-(GROWLING) -Okay, okay.
Peter, I wish you'd go over there
and patch things up with Joe.
Hey, screw him, Lois. He doesn't need us anymore
now that he's got his cool, new friends.
I tell you, those legs have turned him into a complete jerk.
It's like giving a monkey the keys to an amusement park.
-How is that? -How is what?
How is it anything like a monkey having the keys
-to an amusement park? -I don't know.
The hours would be erratic.
Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree.
The prizes for games of chance would all be bananas.
Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right?
I'm... I'm... Just go with it.
Support me in these moments. I'm hurt. I lost my buddy.
Well, Peter, there have been a lot of changes in Joe's life,
and maybe he just needed to move on.
If I were you, I'd look for a new friend.
A kindred spirit,
like Judas found in Pontius Pilate.
You know, sometimes I feel like someone should just...
BOTH: ...Crucify Jesus of Nazareth.
-Oh, my God! -Oh, my God!
-Shut up! -No, you shut up!
-I'm Judas. -Pontius.
This is so weird, because just today, I was thinking about
how I wanted to find the son of God
and nail him to some wood.
Well, let's go find him and kick his ass!
That sounds swell!
I think I'll go for a walk outside now
The summer sun's calling my name
So, do you really think you're suited
to be the fourth guy in our group, Buzz Killington?
Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here in the booth
and crack jokes, but you're kind of a buzz kill.
Oh, on the contrary.
I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn.
(CHUCKLES)
Do any of you know the tale
of how cornmeal came to be?
-No. -No.
-Uh-uh, no. -Neither did the miller
when he left his house that morning.
Aah!
We got to get Joe back.
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Joe, please, can't we talk about this?
There's nothing to talk about.
I've outgrown you, Bonnie.
I need to spread my legs and fly.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Keep the kid.
It was awful. I mean, he just left Bonnie.
And then the bastard completely blew me off
to hang out with those new douche bags.
Peter, we got to do something.
You're right, Cleveland.
Boys, there's only one answer.
We got to re-cripple Joe.
It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler.
(CALLIOPE MUSIC PLAYING)
See? We had a plan for that all along.
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Bye, new awesome friends!
Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex.
Yo, Joe.
What the hell you doing here, pansy?
We're gonna break your legs, Joe.
It's for your own good.
Come on, guys, get him!
(WIND WHIPPING, BLOWS LANDING)
All right, then.
(GUN COCKING)
Bonnie! What the hell?
Put my gun down!
Not until I have my husband back!
Aah! My perfect ass!
Oh, I'm sorry, Joe.
I was aiming for your spine.
Aah! Damn it!
Joe, I'm so sorry.
I'm a terrible shot.
Oh, for God's sakes, just give me the gun!
I'll do it myself!
(GUNSHOT)
Boy, we, uh, really did a number on each other.
You know, I just want to take this opportunity
to apologize to you guys.
I was acting like a first-class jackass.
I hope that you can forgive me.
Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.
And once our injuries heal up,
we can all go for a nice, long walk.
All right! Yeah!
Wait a minute!
ALL: Ah!
(LAUGHTER)
(HUMMING FAMILY GUY THEME SONG)
Joke's on you
Heh, heh, heh-heh, heh