♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Mom, are we there yet?
Almost, Chris.
Now remember, kids,
when we get to Mr. Quagmire's cabin,
don't touch anything
before I have a chance to disinfect it.
Boy, it was nice of Quagmire
to let us use his place.
This'll be much better than that vacation we took
with the Price Is Right yodeler.
(yodeling)
Okay, you can stop here.
There's no way that microwave cost more than 300 bucks.
Stop here. Don't listen to that fat tourist.
She doesn't know how much a microwave costs. Stop!
(tuba plays sad notes)
Ah, we should have gone to Plinko like Cleveland.
(laughing)
(dejected): Oh...
Wow, Quagmire's got a nice place.
(sighs)
This is gonna be a relaxing weekend.
(music playing)
(thudding)
Hey, did you hear something?
I think it came from upstairs.
(martial arts yelling)
Oh... hey.
Uh, this the week you guys were coming up?
Beautiful country, isn't it, Chris?
God, it is peaceful, no question, Dad.
Just be careful 'cause they got a lot
of big ol' wilderness bugs out here.
(buzzing)
(effeminate voice): Oh, hey.
Y'all best be careful
or I'm gonna sting you with my stinger.
Oh, no!
But then I's gonna die if I sting you.
You know what?
I'm not gonna sting y'all after all.
And that's my choice. Y'all ain't worth it.
I'm just gonna head on over to that flower
and suck on that stamen
like there's no tomorrow.
Brian, how many years have I been saying
you and I should go berry-picking?
A lot of years, Stewie.
Wait a minute.
Do you know where we are, Brian?
This is a very special place.
They say once every hundred years in this spot,
Donny Most rises from the mist.
I think that's just a legend.
That's because you're... (gasps) Look!
(angelic voices): ♪ Donny Most, Donny Most ♪
♪ He was Ralph on Happy Days ♪
♪ Donny Most, Donny Most ♪
♪ Now he rises from the haze ♪
Actually, it's Don Most now.
♪ Donny Most, Donny Most ♪
♪ Sunday, Monday ♪
♪ Happy... Days. ♪
All right, here's a little tune
inspired by one of the great legends of the Old West.
(country western song plays)
♪ Well, there once were two cowboys ♪
♪ All alone out on the trail ♪
♪ And they discovered they could sleep with another male ♪
♪ Now they're having gay sex ♪
♪ Cowboy gay sex ♪
♪ Sodomy-ee... ♪
Come on, everybody.
♪ Sodomy-ee... ♪
♪ Sodomy-ee. ♪
Sodomy.
And when he woke up in the morning,
she was still in his bed!
(screams)
That's it?
Yeah.
And then she wanted to make him eggs.
(screams)
And he said, "Oh, I don't have time."
I've got a meeting at 12:30."
And she said, "I'll drive you there."
(screams)
And he said, "No, no, it's at my office.
It's, like, a half-hour commute."
And she said, "I don't mind.
It's on the way to my kid's preschool."
(screaming)
Hey, hey, Lois, look at me.
I got postpartum depression.
Wah! I'm sad about stuff! Wah!
You son of a bitch, don't even joke about that!
This water feels kind of funny.
Yeah, and it smells bad.
(shrieks)
Dad, look!
Holy crap!
(all screaming)
Oh, my God, what the hell is wrong with this lake?!
I think it's a safe bet
that that's responsible.
So they can just dump their waste into the lake?
This can't be legal.
What kind of world is this
where you can't even trust the oil companies anymore.
Hey, you've got a tattoo.
No, I don't. Is that Ziggy?
No.
You have a Ziggy tattoo?
Aw, geez.
Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo?
I just used to think...
he was kind of funny.
We should, uh, we should get to the hospital.
Mom, how long do we have to wear these wigs?
Until our hair grows back, Chris.
Dad, you couldn't have gotten us anything more stylish?
Oh, I don't think it's so bad.
I feel rather like Mozart.
Hey, Stewie, play Haydn.
(plays tune skillfully)
(all laughing)
Now play Handel.
(all laughing)
Play Peter Griffin.
Ah, now that is a challenge.
(playing plodding melody)
(all laughing)
(farting)
Go ahead, mock me.
But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me.
It was God.
(Mozart's "Requiem" plays)
What can I do for you, Mrs. Griffin?
Mayor West, I'm here as an outraged citizen.
The Quahog Oil Refinery
is emptying all their toxic waste into the lake.
I mean, you couldn't possibly have sanctioned
that kind of blatant industrial pollution, could you?
Yeah, I told 'em it was fine. What?
And in return, I get free oil for my hair.
Hey, baby, want to take a gander
at some Adam West penis?
This is unbelievable!
Well, I am not gonna stand by while you let this town
be destroyed by corruption.
Mr. Mayor, I promise you this:
Next election, I'm gonna run against you
and I'm gonna win.
All right, Mrs. Griffin,
you want to take me on? Fine.
But if you plan to beat me,
you'll have to... (gasps)
What is it?
(whispering): A bee just flew in through the window.
Don't move.
(buzzing)
Hmm, now look who's mayor.
First order of business, free honey for everyone.
Yay, Mayor Bee, Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee! Ow!
Oh, done stung myself.
Bye, world.
Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker.
And I'm Diane Simmons.
The Quahog mayoral race is heating up.
with incumbent Adam West squaring off
against challenger Lois Griffin.
Which leads many political analysts
to ask the question,
"Can a woman really be mayor,
or will she just menstruate all over the city?"
Stay with us.
Oh, you guys, I can't tell you
how much I appreciate all your hard work.
It's really gonna make a difference with my campaign.
Hey, Lois, take a look.
I just made 500 T-shirts that say
"Vote for Lois, unless you're queer.
No, wait, even if you're queer.
No Jews though.
Okay, Jews."
(nervously): Oh... These are wonderful, sweetie.
Chris, why don't you put these upstairs
in your closet so we don't lose them?
But the evil monkey lives in my closet.
Of course, he hasn't been as evil
since he became a Jehovah's Witness.
(doorbell rings)
(door opens) Hi, I'm going door-to-door
to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin
who's offering real change for the city of Quahog.
May we count on your vote next Tuesday?
Chris, this is our house.
Ah, then what is for dinner?
Pork chops. Excellent.
Chris, have you been to any other houses?
I have not.
Would you like to come in? Please.
This is Tom Tucker
with some breaking election coverage.
Mayor Adam West has widened his lead
over challenger Lois Griffin.
I'm confident that the people of Quahog
will make the right choice.
And here to help me secure the Latino vote
is actor Jimmy Smits.
Adam West likes to eat food that's grilled in foil.
(all exclaiming)
That's our guy.
Boy, this election's gonna be a tight one.
It's probably gonna be decided by just a couple of votes.
And here we are sitting here
like a bunch of lazy, paraplegic cops.
Huh? I'm sorry, Joe.
It's just an expression. Ah.
We got to give Lois a last-minute edge.
Guys, I need you to help out on the campaign.
Oh, man, that's like making all, like, signs,
and walking around or what?
You know, you bastards got a stake in this, too.
I mean, Lois is my wife, and if she's the mayor
we can pretty much do whatever the hell we want.
I could do cocaine if I wanted to.
Peter, you want some potatoes?
Yeah, how you doin'?
I was just asking if you wanted...
We got enough napkins?
Yeah, we got enough napkins.
That's enough. That's enough right there.
(breathes deeply): What time is it?
Is this-Is this straight? Is this straight right there?
Look, wait, see... I'll fix it.
No, no... Is this straight? I can't tell...
(screams)
Meg, sweep that up.
Get-Get a broom, sweep that up. Sweep that up.
Put it in your room, but sweep it up first.
Suspect number two, he's the one who raped me.
All right, all but number two are free to leave.
Ma'am, I know that you're going through
a difficult time right now,
but I just have a few more questions.
Are you planning to vote tomorrow?
What?
Are you aware that Lois Griffin has a plan
to cut property tax in half over the next three years?
What does that have to do with what happened to me?
Well, you say number two did it,
maybe I say I smell alcohol on your breath.
You can't do that!
Sounds like Lois Griffin can count on your vote.
Hi. When you go to vote for mayor tomorrow,
please vote for Lois Griffin.
That's right. I work at a deli
and I know baloney.
And that's exactly what you'll get
with Mayor Adam West.
Ooh, sa-nap!
Boy, you guys, I really appreciate
all the help you've been giving us.
Except for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.
What the hell are you talking about?
Lois is gonna get the entire female vote 'cause of me.
I've been having sex with every woman in town
nonstop for the past two days.
You know how many sperm I got left? One.
He's all alone in there and he's scared, all right?
He's scared. Ha.
Welcome, Quahog, to the town hall mayoral debate
between incumbent Adam West and challenger Lois Griffin.
We will now open up the floor to questions
from a community at large.
Yes, Mrs. Griffin, how do you feel
about those computer websites that put a blue square
on the home of a sex offender?
Well, the safety of our children
is a very important part of my plan for Quahog.
I have a 12-point program for the security of...
(gong clashes)
I'm sorry, your time is up.
(crowd murmuring)
No, no, no, no, I'm not impressed.
I'm not impressed, not yet.
Mayor West, if reelected,
would you increase the frequency of garbage pickup?
Well, citizen, that's an excellent question
and I thank you for it.
I think it's great we live in a town
where you can ask questions.
Because without questions,
we'd just have answers.
And an answer without a question is a statement.
Oh, I like him.
He looks me in the eye.
(crowd murmuring)
I'd like to have a beer with him.
I'm voting for him.
I don't understand these people.
He didn't even say anything and they're eating it up.
Lois, undecided voters
are the biggest idiots on the planet.
Try giving short, simple answers.
Sir, your question, please?
Mrs. Griffin, what do you plan to do about crime in our city?
A lot.
(applause, excited murmuring) She's got my vote.
Because that's what Jesus wants.
(applause, excited murmuring)
9/11 was bad.
(cheering)
I agree with that.
God, I can't believe how easy this is.
Mrs. Griffin, what are your plans
for cleaning up our environment?
9/11.
(cheering)
Mrs. Griffin, what about our traffic problem?
Nine...
(anticipated groans)
Eleven.
(cheering)
(raucous cheering)
Well, the election results are pouring in
and it looks like it's gonna be a tight one.
Which reminds me, Diane,
when's the last time you... aw, forget it.
Oh, my God, I'm an absolute wreck.
Well, folks, this is it.
The last of the votes have been tallied
and we're getting the final results in now.
Quahog's new mayor is...
Lois Griffin.
(cheering)
Aah...!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh.
Were we done cheering?
Ha.
Well, Mrs. Mayor, how do you feel?
Oh, I'm a little nervous, Brian,
but mostly I'm excited
about all the good I'm gonna get to do.
Wow, look at you.
All that power and you've still got that body.
And the first thing I'm going to do as mayor
is clean up Lake Quahog.
Well, I know the people will support you, Lois,
because you connect with them.
Like Disney connects with its audience.
You da cow!
No, you da cow!
Wow, Disney gets us.
And I think we all realize the importance of stopping
the environmental damage being done to Lake Quahog,
which is why I'm proposing a very modest tax increase
that will help us to... (groaning)
(booing)
No, no, no, that's awful.
No, no, no, I'm not okay with that.
No new taxes!
ALL (chanting): No new taxes!
But what about the terrorists?
(audible gasps)
That's right, terrorists.
We have intelligence that suggests that...
Hitler is plotting with...
with the Legion of Doom...
to assassinate Jesus...
using the lake as a base.
(frantic murmuring)
ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...
How did she discover our plan?
Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.
And we also have evidence that...
Darth Vader tried to buy yellowcake uranium...
from unwed teenage mothers.
Those things all sound scary.
How much money before it can feel safe again?
Um...
a hundred thousand?
(excited murmuring)
I threw a ten.
See that ten there? I threw that.
At the top of the news, Lake Quahog is once again clean,
thanks to the efforts of newly elected mayor, Lois Griffin.
We now go to Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa,
for her slant on the story.
Thanks, Tom.
Once again, happy locals
are frolicking in the waters of Lake Quahog.
And we're here with their reactions.
Sir, how does it feel to have the lake back?
Well, I'll tell you, Tricia, as a local resident,
I feel like I can once again
take pride in my community.
I think this is really gonna revitalize tourism.
And--
And if you look around,
I think even the wildlife is starting to come back.
And, you know, that's something we haven't seen in a while.
I think we're going to be seeing a lot more of that.
Hey, you guys.
Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great.
Maybe you can do some damn laundry once in a while.
What? What?
Wow, Mom, is that a new purse?
Yeah, that looks pretty expensive.
Well, don't tell anybody, Brian,
but I was a little naughty.
I may have dipped into the tax surplus.
Wait a minute, you used taxpayer money
to buy yourself a handbag?
It's no big deal, Brian.
Besides, there was a lot left over after the lake cleanup
and I figured maybe I earned a little treat, huh?
Lois, spending even one penny of that money on yourself
is incredibly unethical.
Oh, come on, it was only $600.
My God, that's more than I spent
to go see that prizefight in Vegas.
I thought you said we was going to see Hairspray.
Bitch, I thought I said just shut up
and be lookin' fine.
What the hell's up with these rolling blackouts?
Well, since Lois is the mayor,
I'm allowed to reroute all the town's electricity.
What'd you do that for?
So I could reanimate the corpse of Jim Varney.
Howdy, Vern.
This is some dad-gum nice house you got here, Vern.
That's Vern, V-Vern, Vern, Vern.
Oh, wait, wait, it was John Belushi, that's who I wanted.
Peter, how could you...? Way ahead of you, Brian.
My mistake, I'll take care of this.
Hey, Jim, come out in the yard,
will ya? Sure thing, Vern.
(gunshot)
He got the shotgun, Brian!
Don't ask me how he did it,
but Jim Varney got the shotgun!
Run for your life! What?!
Run!
Excuse me, how much is this coat?
It's $4,300.
Oh.
Do you think you can give me
a little mayoral discount?
Well, I think you're doing a great job, Mrs. Griffin,
but my boss would kill me.
How's everything going out here?
Fine, Mr. Voorhees.
Good. 'Cause if you screw up, I'll kill ya.
Hi. Bob Grossbeard, Quahog Oil.
I'd like to buy you that coat.
Really?
All I ask in return is that you let my company
do just a little bit of dumping in your lake.
This guy don't sit right with me, Lois.
He don't sit right with me.
But I just cleaned up Quahog Lake.
Do you want the coat or not?
I want the coat.
Excellent.
Then we have a deal.
Ugh, Brian's gonna be really upset when he finds out.
Eh, I'll just take him for a ride in the car,
he'll forget all about it.
(sniffing)
Wait a minute, I know where we are.
The park is near here.
We're near the park, Lois.
Oh, that's the tree. I peed on that.
Hey. Hey, Lois. Lois.
There's another dog in that car.
H-Hey, hey, hey!
There's another dog in that car. Hey!
Are you seeing that?! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Other dog, (bleep) you!
Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Quahog Oil Refinery,
we would like to thank Mayor Lois Griffin
for our newest waste pipe.
Let the dumping resume.
Hey, Jake, how long can you hold your breath under water?
Longer than you. Check it out.
(screams)
Aah! My face!
(screaming)
Lois, what the hell are you doing?
Remembering who I am, you crook.
Oh, I'm a crook, am I?
What about all the money you embezzled?
You want people to find out about that?
You better play ball, or we'll find someone else who will.
I'll play ball.
You know what, West?
You can have your job back.
Politics does terrible things to good people.
Good for you, Lois.
You wised up before it was too late.
I was so consumed by power and money,
I became the very thing I set out to destroy.
Hooray! I'm mayor again!
Don't we need to have a whole new election?
There.
Now no one will have heard him say that.
We all heard him say it.
Anybody else hear anything?
My wife did.
(gunshot)
♪