It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a... Fam...ily... Guy
Hey, Stewie. How 'bout daddy teaches ya how to swim?
Go... away... fat man.
(yells) What do you think you're doing? "No" means "no"!
(yells) Okay. Here goes.
-(yelling) -Come on, Stewie. In... the... pool.
No! No, I don't want to die! I want to live! Live!
Peter, stop it. He's never gonna learn like that.
Maybe this summer he should take swim lessons.
-Would ya like that, Stewie? -Hmm.
Well, I guess it couldn't be worse than that summer I spent in India.
Whatever you do, Short Round, don't touch anything.
(mock Asian accent) Okay, Dr. Jones, I no touch anything.
Indy!
Lady only here 'cause she humping director.
Whoa. Look at this place. What happened to Sal's Video?
We bought them out two weeks ago. Welcome to Lackluster Video
50,000 stores nationwide.
Yeah, well, uh, you know, I used to come into Sal's once or twice a week...
to rent movies from his, uh... back room.
You know what I mean? Room for, uh, adults only.
Catch my drift? The, uh, kind of movies where there are x-rated pornos..
and fully nude people fornicate for the camera.
-Get my meaning? -Oh, I'm sorry, but Lackluster Video...
takes a strong moral stance against pornography,
open-mindedness and non-Christians.
Oh, yeah? Then why do you rent Prince of Tides?
Barbra Streisand is Jewish.
We edit some of our movies.
I think I'm in love with you, doctor.
No, Tom, you're wrong. You don't love me. You love the idea of me.
Hi, I'm Tom Tucker. Do me a favor and fill this bag...
with a sampling of motion pictures
featuring women-on-women or anything with an amputee.
Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn.
They think it's immoral.
You know, that really grinds my gears.
Where exactly in the Bible does it say
a man can't fire off some knuckle-children...
in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room, while his neighbor's at work
because I don't have a DVD player?
I don't know where it says it because the Bible is way too long to read.
Hey, that was quite a rant there.
You know, we're looking for an everyman to rant about petty, nonsensical irritants
to replace our "Spotlight on the Middle East" segment.
Hey! I'd be great at that!
I've been dying to get back on television ever since I stopped hosting Family Feud.
How are you, Betsy? Welcome to the show. You are a lovely young woman.
And let me just stick my hand up there and feel that one.
-(gasps) -And that one.
We're looking for somethin' you shop for at the mall. Three seconds.
Come on, Stewie. Don't be afraid.
It's just water. It's not gonna bite.
Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid.
What a stupid thing to say.
You drown in it, you moron. It doesn't have to bite you.
Hey, little guy. Take a look at Brad over there. He's my star pupil.
-See how brave he is? -(scoffs) He's not brave.
I'll tell you who was brave-- Gandhi.
And the Americans are always like, "hey, bitch."
And the Indian people, we do not call our women in such a way.
MAN: Boo! You suck!
So, is it just pool water that turns you into a sniveling girl, or is it all water?
Mom! Brian's asking me if it's just pool water that turns me
into a sniveling girl or if it's all water!
I heard that Olympic swimmers shave all the hair off their head
and their private areas
to make 'em move faster.
I don't need some stupid gimmick.
Soon as I improve my technique, I'll outswim Brad
as easily as I took care of that other boy.
-Casper, go long! -(tires screeching)
-(crash) -Ooh, sorry about that, man.
Are you dead? Yeah, whatever.
I was gonna off myself on Tuesday anyway.
Hey, Peter, shouldn't you be getting ready for your first news segment?
Yeah. I'm a little nervous, though. I'm not sure what to talk about.
-You could talk about me. Okay, honey. -I'll talk about you.
(laughs) "Hey, I'm Meg. I go to school. I wear glasses."
(all laughing)
Spot on. Spot on.
In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty,
I finally get my period.
Well, Diane, I'm sure you and your brother must be devastated
by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been.
We now go to Peter Griffin for "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?"
Thanks, Tom. You know what really grinds my gears?
Nobody's come up with a new priest-and-rabbi joke in, like, 30 years.
You know? I mean, okay. Um, um--
A priest and a rabbi go into the supermarket and, uh, the priest...
wants to buy a ham and the rabbi says,
"Uh, I can't eat it. It's forbidden.
Couldn't eat it. Not allowed."
Pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No.
I-I don't see you comin' up with anything.
And that, people, is what grinds my gears. Tom.
Come on. You gonna be all day?
-STEWIE: I'm brushing my teeth. -You only have, like, two.
-I mean, how long could-- oh, God! -Oh. Hey.
Uh... Wow.
(chuckles nervously) You... doin' a little hair removal there?
Oh, uh-- yeah.
Um... You know, feel free to say "no" to this, but...
would you shave my coin purse?
(laughing)
Oh, no! No way, man!
(laughs) Holy freaking God!
-Oh! -(scoffs)
Don't have to be so uptight about it.
Okay. We're gonna have our first fun little race.
When I blow this whistle, I want all the parents...
to throw their children into the pool.
If your child doesn't resurface right away,
they're probably just trying to get attention.
-Ready? -Good luck, Stewie.
(imitating Brad) "Good luck, Stewie."
That's you. That's what you sound like.
-(blows whistle) -You're mine, Brad!
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! (gurgling)
(gurgling): Ew! A band-aid.
-I've got ya, sweetie. -(choking)
-(chattering) -(giggles)
(cheering) Good for you, Brad!
-Oh, isn't he adorable? He's much better -than my kids.
So, you think you can make me look like a fool, do you? You little bastard!
Well, guess again!
Oh, Brad! There's a piece of marzipan over here for you.
-(beeps) -What the deuce?
-(beeping) -(grunts)
-(beeping continues) -(explosion)
(screams)
(crash)
Hell? Now, that's a bit much, don't you think?
I mean, sure, I've spent my entire life trying to kill my mother. But who hasn't?
You know, really, for hell this isn't that bad.
-Hi, there. I'm Steve Allen. -Oh, hello.
-All right. Let's do this. -(screams)
(gasps) Ah! (gasping)
I'm alive. I'm alive!
Oh! Stewie! My baby.
I thought I'd lost you. Oh! (kissing)
I can't believe it. All these years I thought I was living in hell,
but it gets so much worse.
This is a sign. Well, from this day forward,
Stewart Gilligan Griffin will be a good boy.
I don't understand. I was only gonna ask him to fix my collar.
Huh. Well, I wonder what they got on TV in hell.
(TV plays) There's a time for love and a time for living
-(clicking repeatedly) -Take a chance and face the wind
Morning, Brian.
Beautiful day, isn't it? Kind of day that makes you glad to be alive.
I made fudge. Uh, okay.
Wha-- uh-- what, uh--
-What are you-- what are you doing? -Well, from the feel of it,
working through quite a few years of stress.
The thing is, when I died, I got a glimpse of where I was going...
and, well, I did not like it one bit.
Wow. I am so uncomfortable right now.
So, I've resolved to change my ways,
because I know now who I want to be.
I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which, you see I have confidence in me
There you are. Drink plenty of water.
Hey, Brian. Yeah?
Thanks for listening.
Boy, that was more disturbing than that cartoon I saw the other day.
Shh! Be "vewy," "vewy" quiet. I'm hunting "wabbits."
Nyah, what's up, doc?
(groaning)
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh! (groaning)
(bones crack)
Shh! Quiet! Quiet! Your father's on.
You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan.
Eh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits...
jumpin' around there on stage half-naked...
with your little outfits.
You're up there jumpin' around and I'm just sittin' here with my beer.
So, you know, what am I supposed to do?
What do you-- what do you want? You know, are we gonna go out?
Is that what you're tryin'-- why are you... leapin' around there,
throwin' those things all up, um, over there in my face?
Huh? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want!
Well, I'll tell you what you want. You want nothin'.
You want nothin'. All right?
Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone,
and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
Oh! He is so right-on. Women are such teases.
That's why I went back to men.
Okay, mom. Thanks for that. See you later.
Go on.
Another thing that grinds my gears
is when I can't find the droids I'm lookin' for.
(amplified voice) Yeah, me too. What gives with that?
And that's what really grinds my gears.
MAN: Clear. Remove my microphone.
-Great job, Mr. Griffin. -Great job, Peter.
Just terrific. Just fantastic.
Oh, this gig is even better than that job I had...
providing nighttime heat for Lara Flynn Boyle.
Thanks so much, Peter.
-I was getting a little chilly. -No sweat, Lara.
Hey, you have yourself a fine sleep.
Hey, Lara. Yeah?
-Is Dylan McDermott nice in person? -Yeah.
Good.
I feel ridiculous.
Well, I can't very well fit you up here, can I?
-Where are we going? -There is the most absolutely perfect
spider web in the bushes by Cleveland's house.
-You have just got to see it. -Oh, for God's sake.
Hey, Brian. Brian. What?
Knock-knock. Oh, come on.
Knock-knock. Who's there?
Your friend, Stewie-- and he's always gonna be there for you.
-Yes. Table for two. -I'm sorry. We have a 45-minute wait.
Oh, isn't that too bad, honey?
Because I know waiting in line at a restaurant...
really, uh, grinds your gears.
Oh, my God! It's you!
I loved your rant about how bread is square and baloney is round.
Oh, a table just opened up.
-Hey! We've been waiting. Shh! -That's Michael Moore.
Mr. Tucker, we need this table.
But I've already ordered.
Oh, we have a private booth set up for you. This way.
Griffin. Diane.
I can't believe we got a table at the hottest restaurant in town...
without a reservation.
We really are moving up in the world.
Yeah, but I'd love to see what those private booths are like.
This is totally unacceptable.
How long are you going to be? I'm very hungry.
Hey, B! Rupert and I were just about to--
E-e-excuse me. Did you just call me "B"?
Yes, B. Rupert and I were just about to dine
on this mixture of Play-Doh and rug hair.
Care to join? Oh, no, thanks.
I just thought you might be interested in seeing this.
This is the most absolutely perfectly destroyed spider web.
-(gasps) Where's the spider? -Knock-knock.
Who's there? I ate him!
You bastard! Who the hell do you think you are?
Ha! I knew it. I knew you hadn't really changed.
Okay. So, I was faking being nice. It's not the worst thing I've done.
(cheering) (bat hitting ball)
Ooh! Steve, it's coming right at us. Grab it!
-I don't wanna get in the way. -It's a foul ball.
What harm can it do?
Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't fight my nature.
I'm just a hateful person. You're not hateful.
You just need to control your anger like I do.
(scoffs) You mean by being sauced all day?
Wait a minute. Of course. That's it.
If I'm drunk, I'll be calm. If I'm calm, I'll be nice.
If I'm nice, I won't go to hell.
Fix me a highball. I'm going to get good and tight.
Look, you can't drink. You're an infant, all right?
Besides, there are better ways to solve your problems.
Oh, I suppose you're right. Thanks, Brian. I was weak.
No problem.
Oh, my God! Do you know what it's time for?
A sexy party!
(1960s pop music playing) (all giggling)
(giggling)
-So, Brian, I-- oh, what? -I didn't say anything.
I-I thought-- oh, I thought you interrupted me.
Do-don't interrupt me! Are you okay?
I'm as okay as your face.
(laughing)
(wheezing) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm s-sorry.
So, honey, what are you going to rant about today?
-Could we get a little preview? -Oh, I got a good one, Lois.
Parents who let their kids do anything they want. I hate that.
You know? Like, when I'm in a restaurant tryin' to enjoy my dinner...
and little baby junior son-of-a-bitch over there is screaming his head off.
Parents need to control their kids.
Hey! Everybody, look! I'm gonna do-- I'm gonna do something...
that's gonna freak you out.
I'm gonna jump from this shelf to my high chair.
I'm gonna jump. You-- are y-you watching? Are you? Are you?
Stewie, don't interrupt. It grinds my gears when you do that.
(screams) Oh! He said it!
(giggles)
You're gon-- you're gonna-- you're gonna miss it.
You're gonna miss it. You're gonna miss it.
(crash) (Stewie groans, laughs)
Oh, g-- oh, dude! Did you see th-that?
Did you guys-- oh, man. Look at this--
Look at this gash. Look at this gash right up the side of my leg.
Oh-ho! Oh! I cut myself deep.
-Oh! It doesn't hurt though. -Uh, all right. Time for your nap.
Don't worry, Lois. I'll take him. Let's go.
God! What-- what the hell?
Why are you drag-- why are we in here?
It's rude to the... other people.
You're drunk. You're sexy.
Listen, you have to stop this, all right? No more drinking.
-I'm sorry I even put it in your head. -I don't know.
I don't even know what your problem is. I've never felt better.
(vomits) Okay, now I've never felt better.
You know, Peter, there's gonna be a lot of people watching tonight.
Better keep your balls on the prize-- eyeballs--
On the ball. Eyes on the ball.
(clears throat) Take two. You know, Peter, there's gonna be...
a lot of people watching tonight.
Better not screw up. Use take two.
Don't worry about me, Tom. I'll be fine.
We're on in three, two--
And now it's time for "You Know What Really Grinds my Gears?"
-with Peter Griffin. -Thanks, Diane.
-You know what really grinds my gears? -Hey! Hey!
Those x-ray specs you used to buy out of the comics.
-Hey! Screw up! -I save up forever to buy these things,
and when I finally get 'em yesterday,
I couldn't see the inside of my son's belly.
Blah! Bah! Blah! (blathering)
See, I wanted to see if he'd eaten the last Nilla wafer...
'cause I told him I wanted it.
-I tell ya, that really grinds my gears. -Pay attention to me!
I'm trying to ruin you!
(door opens) You wanted to see me, sir?
You're fired, Tom. Turn in your press pass and any other studio property.
What are we doing here?
So, you like being drunk? Fine. I'm gonna get you so drunk...
you'll never wanna drink again.
Come on.
Cold. It's so cold.
Thanks, Horace. Hey, is he 18?
-Horace, the drinking age is 21. -Oh.
O-okay. Uh, uh...
to the black man.
Thanks for taking it all in stride.
'Cause suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it
If I please
Was that-- was that good?
Oh, God. Thank you, man.
I can't believe you saved all those.
L-Lois-- L-Lois-- you think Lois'll like these?
You love Lois! Shut up!
You know what? Give me your keys.
-Oh, no. I'm fine. No, no. -Give me your keys.
I'm fi-- I'm drivin'.
-Give me your keys. You're too drunk. -I'm okay.
Peter-- Meg-- Brian. You're too-- Brian, you're too drunk to drive.
I-I-I a-am-- I--
You're right. Here. Here you go.
(engine starts)
(screaming)
Shh!
And that's it for sports.
Now let's go to Ollie Williams with the adopt-a-pet of the week.
-Who wants this dog? -Thanks, Ollie.
And now let's go to Peter Griffin with "You Know What Really Grinds My--"
Tom! What are you doing? You don't work here anymore.
Well, Diane, I have an exclusive story--
And I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
OLLIE: Did you check your TCP/IP settings? Yes, I did, Ollie.
Enable cookies? Yes, Ollie.
-You want this dog? No, thank you, Ollie. -Roll tape.
TOM: This was the scene at the Drunken Clam last night,
as a car driven by an intoxicated infant...
caused thousands of dollars-worth of damage.
Put th-- put this on my tab.
It was-- it was, like, all slowed down.
You know? And I was, like, "whoa!" But I couldn't stop it.
And who is the father of the child in that car?
Ooh! Tom! Tom! I know this. I know this.
Tom, over here. Tom! Ooh! Ooh!
The man you all respect so much. Your beloved Peter Griffin.
Good thing he didn't call on me. I was gonna say "Grant Goodeve."
Thanks, Tom. And now, neglectful father and Quahog's newest social pariah,
Peter Griffin, with another segment of "Grind my Gears."
-Peter. -Thank you, Diane.
You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century.
Why don't they get with the freakin' program?
It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse.
Oh. Well, it appears I've been fired.
Well, as long as I'm no longer working here, let me tell you somethin'.
You know what really grinds my gears? You, America.
(bleep) you! Diane.
Hey, Tom. Catch!
Did you miss daddy? Did you miss daddy?
Oh, no. It's all right. It's-- oh, you're shaking.
-Go away. Huh. -Little hung over?
I am never going to drink again-- ever.
I hope you learned something from all this.
I certainly did, Brian.
It seems I'm still finding myself.
But, for the moment, I've just got to accept the fact...
that I'm an angry boy who'll occasionally try to burn down a house...
or toss a poison dart at his mother.
After all, I can't let one near-death experience change my whole life, can I?
I'm glad you finally figured that out.
-You gonna be okay? -Yes, yes, I'll be fine.
I just wish I could remember where I was last night.
And who the hell "R.M." is.
Oh, got to play this one right, Roger.
Can't seem desperate. Wait three days, that's the rule.
Oh, God! I want to talk to him now!
(dialing)
(ringing)
Damn!
(theme music playing)