♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪
Well, on the whole, I enjoy my job as a pharmacist.
In fact, many of my customers are your mommies and daddies.
Jimmy Hopkins, your mother had awful postpartum depression
after you were born.
And Danielle, your father had bad
very bad hemorrhoids that stung him unmerciful.
Oh, they were awful.
They were like stinky little balloons. Oh!
And I gave him some special ointment
and he hurt so bad
that he had to apply it in the car with his sock.
Thank you.
Cool! I want to be a pharmacist.
Oh, yeah!
Thank you, Mr. Goldman.
And our final speaker is Mr. Peter Griffin.
Yay!
Hey, kids!
Hey, hey, you know what I do?
I work in a toy factory, and you know what I do there?
I bet you're just one of those low-level assembly line guys
who stand there all day, screwing heads on dolls!
"Ooh, is it on straight?
I don't know."
Boo!
Why you little snot-nosed...!
Mr. Griffin!
( quietly ): He plays kickball in the park after school.
Get him there.
So does anyone have any question?
Yeah. Can we listen to the claims adjuster again?
( cheering )
MAN ( over TV ): Welcome back to Quahog Five News.
And now, here's Ollie Williams
with the Blaccu-Weather forecast. Ollie?
It's going to rain!
Thanks, Ollie.
And finally, we go live
to Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa
interviewing a guy from the upcoming Renaissance Faire.
Tricia?
Thanks, Tom.
Sir, for those viewers
who aren't familiar with the tradition
can you tell us about the Renaissance Faire?
Yea, but first, bride of Ghengis
thou must explainest to me
thy very peculiar electronic wand.
( eerily ): Ooh!
All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib?
( clears throat )
"Cinderella had three wicked stepwatermelons
who were very smelly to her
so her fairy god toilet turned a pumpkin into a fanny..
and sent her off to the poop.
( laughing )
Oh, my, how ruthlessly absurd!
LOIS: Peter!
How was your big presentation at Chris' class?
Oh, it was a huge waste of time.
Well, it couldn't have been that bad.
Oh, it was terrible.
Everyone else there had some big, important job
and was way more successful than me.
Hey, come on, y-y-you have...
you have a great job.
Yeah. You-You're doing... you're doing...
you're doing good.
Peter, if you're not satisfied
then be more assertive.
Invite Mr. Weed over for dinner
and show him what you have to offer the company.
Yeah, I guess I could.
I just hope it goes okay.
We've had some bad luck with dinner guests.
You remember when Margot Kidder was here?
Oh, we loved you in the Superman movies.
You were just wonderful!
( hysterical screaming )
( continues screaming )
Mr. Weed, I, uh, was wondering if maybe you'd like
to come over to my house for dinner Friday night.
Huh. That wasn't so hard.
WEED: Well, what time?
Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00?
Fabulous!
What shall I bring?
Peter, calm down.
Everything's going to be fine.
Ah, I hope so, 'cause if I blow this
I'm going to have to go back to my old job
at the "Electric Company."
( simple, rhythmic tune )
Bet. I-I knew that.
Slow it down, will you?
Pit. Come on, pal, it's my first day.
Oh, that's it, buddy!
( grunting )
( choking )
( doorbell rings )
That must be him.
Oh, God! I hope that thing doesn't happen
where I get nervous
and I can't control the volume of my voice.
Hello, Peter. How are you?
( yelling : Fine!
( softly ): Please come in.
It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed.
Thank you, Mrs. Griffin.
I understand that you have a beautiful family.
Yes, we do, but the children won't be joining us for dinner.
It's almost their bedtime.
( blows tuning whistle )
State your names.
Meg.
Chris.
And I'm Liesl.
Mr. Weed, the Griffin children
would like to say good night to you.
( peppy intro plays )
♪♪ So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen ♪♪
♪♪ I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne ♪♪
Yes?
No.
♪♪ So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye ♪♪
♪♪ I leave and heave a sigh and say good-bye ♪♪
( in falsetto ): ♪♪ Good-bye ♪♪
♪♪ The sun has gone ♪♪
♪♪ To bed and so must I ♪♪
♪♪ So long, farewell ♪♪
♪♪ Auf wiedersehen, good-bye ♪
♪♪ Good-bye ♪♪
♪♪ Good-bye. ♪♪
Mmm! Who would think that a woman with such beauty
would also have the culinary skills
of Emeril Lagasse?
Oh, well, thank you.
Bam!
( laughing )
Oh...
( clears throat )
Peter, don't you have something to say to Mr. Weed?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, Mr. Weed
I don't care what the guys at work say.
I never thought
you were an effeminate weirdo.
Uh-uh, so, uh, wh-what kind of a name is "Weed"?
They gave it to my grandfather on Ellis Island.
Our original name was Bermudagrass.
Peter, being here with your wonderful family
your beautiful home and your funny-talking dog
well, I'm impressed.
In fact, starting Monday
I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development.
( coughs )
Holy crap!
Ah, thanks, Mr. Weed! Oh, you won't be sorry!
( gasping )
Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here.
Peter, Brian's choking!
Do the Heimlich maneuver! Quick!
( spits )
( choking )
( yells )
He's dead!
( both gasp )
( screaming )
Forgot my purse.
( continues screaming )
Let's not panic! Nobody even knows yet.
MAN: Police!
Random Dead Body Search!
Oh, my God, Lois, stall them!
Peter, what are you doing?
Just-just stall them, Lois!
( flushing )
Ha, ha! Gotcha!
It's just me, Death.
I'm here for the body.
Oh, Peter, it's okay.
It's just Death.
Ah, thank God!
Uh, hey, did someone choke on a roll in here?
Oh, no, no, no, I-I-I spit it up.
Oh.
Recapping our top story:
Doreen, I lost your phone number.
We met at the Sky Lounge last night.
Please call me.
In other news, toy industrialist, Jonathan Weed
was found dead last night in the home of an employee
who claims Weed choked on a dinner roll.
No charges will be filed against the employee
but the dinner roll has been taken into police custody.
I'd do her, do her, wouldn't do her...
uh, who hasn't done her!
Do her, lose the pigtails and we'll talk.
Do her, do her...
And now, the last man to see Jonathan Weed alive
has offered to say a few words.
Good afternoon, everyone.
As you know, we of the Christian faith
believe that Jesus is not really dead
but that he must let the world think that he is dead...
until he can find a way to control the raging spirit
that dwells within him.
( humming ominous tune )
Anyway, right before he died
uh, Mr. Weed promoted me to Head of Toy Development
and I've brought along my attorney who confirms
that this constitutes a verbal contract.
Isn't that right, Saul?
Yes, sir. Verbal contract.
Thank you.
Glad to see you all found your way over from the cemetery.
I'm Leonard Hale, Mr. Weed's lawyer.
We found this tape among Mr. Weed's personal effects
with instructions that it be screened
immediately following his funeral.
Enjoy.
MAN ( singsong ): Good morning!
Camera time.
Turn that off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly.
You want to tell us a little something
about what you're making there?
I will tell you, it's just a couple of eggs
with the peppers left over from last night.
( both chuckle mischievously)
Yes. Okay, now playtime is over.
Turn it off, monkey, okay?
( clears throat )
Hello, friends.
If you are watching this, I am dead
and I bet you're pretty bummed.
But I have good news. Yeah?
The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way
for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute.
What?!
The demolition
will begin in... now.
Okay, we've got your typing test here
and all the pertinent data about your, um...
um, you know, your background and-and, um...
uh, skills...
and...
And?
You know, I-I got to be honest with you.
I-I only have another week and a half here
and I-I have completely checked out.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, what should I do?
Um...
( blowing softly )
Chef?
Oh, sorry, we're out of towels.
Uh, l-let me get that for you, sir.
( blowing loud)
( gasping )
What, I'm supposed to pay two bucks for stickers
'cause this guy can't hear?!
Come on!
Hey, I might be deaf, but I have feelings!
Oh, uh, I-I mean...
What?
Has Dad found a permanent job yet?
Meg, your father's going through a bit of a career transition.
He's just sampling a few things
searching for something that fits him just right.
Well, clearly it's not that tube top.
Hey, looking for a good time, sweet cheeks?
Oh, my God!
Peter, get in the car!
Okay, but it'll cost you. You want a Cleveland Steamer?
I said, get in the ca... What's a Cleveland Steamer?
-It means that he'll... -Whoa, whoa. Be cool. Be cool.
Yes, you go to Maple Street and then take a left
and then, uh... you go, uh...
Okay, so you want a party or what?
Get in this car right now!
It's eerie, isn't it?
Like looking into the future.
MAN: Forgetful Freddy
was so forgetful...
AUDIENCE: How forgetful was he?
He was so forgetful
whenever he tried to remember someone's name
he drew a... blank.
Oh, God, this is all my fault.
If I hadn't pushed you so hard
to invite Mr. Weed to dinner
he'd still be alive
and you'd still have your job.
Don't worry, Lois, we'll get through this.
We-we just have to scrimp a little, that's all.
You know, sell some stuff we don't really need.
This will bring in a couple of bucks.
Peter, please, listen to me!
When we got married
you always talked about your one dream job.
Remember?
And you put that dream aside
in order to provide for this family.
Yeah?
Well, I've saved some money
from teaching piano
and I say, this is the perfect time
for you to pursue that dream.
-Really? -Yes!
Wow. You know, s-since money's getting tight
I was going to suggest that we eat the kids.
You know, I mean, like jokingly at first
but then I was going to gauge your reaction
and-and if you were cool with it
then, uh, you know, we could go from there
but this is a much better idea.
I'm going to do it, Lois!
I'm going to realize my dream!
I am going to be a Renaissance Faire jouster.
Oh, Peter!
( screams )
LOIS: Oh, this is so exciting!
My little jousters first day.
Here's your lunch.
Thanks, honey.
Oh, egg salad?!
Have a good time.
Yeah, I'll try.
Hey, Mort!
Oh God, don't hurt me!
Oh, hi, Peter.
Hey, you're going to be a jouster, too?
Yes, I'm trying to overcome my fear of swords
because a man in a pirate suit stabbed me in the ear
when I was five.
And then again when I was 30.
What about you, the same?
Nah, not really.
It kind of all goes back to when I was 18.
I was going through that rebellious phase and, uh...
I was hanging out with a bad crowd.
Here, Peter.
Try one of these.
What is it?
It's a cheeseburger.
( laughter )
Of course, now I know it wasn't a cheeseburger.
But at that time, I was ready to believe anything.
I didn't know what the hell was going on.
I wandered around for hours
and somehow ended up at the Renaissance Faire.
I can fly!
Oh my God!
I was saved by the one and only Black Knight
of the Quahog Renaissance Faire.
A word of advice:
the path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility
not LSD and sideburns.
And from that moment on, I knew someday
I wanted to be a knight like him.
Ah, mercy, I was once addicted to antihistamines.
I took so many I thought I was Mr. Peanut.
Ah, that's a great story, too.
So, you all think you got what it takes to be jousters?!
If you're going to joust, you got to want it!
Let me hear your war cry!
Ehhhh, uhhhh...
Is that the best you got, you pile of crap?!
Yes.
From an early age, my parents discouraged loud noises...
You know what you are?
You're a candy-assed maggot!
( chuckling )
-You find something funny, maggot?! -Sir, no sir!
You love the Middle Ages, don't you?!
Sir, yes, sir!
The concept of a geocentric universe
gets you sexually excited, doesn't it!
Sir, yes, sir!
You want to make
16th Century mathematician Johannes Kepler
your bitch, don't you!
Sir, yes, sir!
Welcome, apprentices!
( gasps )
It's him!
Look alive, ladies.
Allow me to introduce the best of the best:
the Black Knight himself!
And this is his trophy wench, Maid Madeline!
Ding.
Uh, excuse me, uh, Mister Black Knight?
I'm busy.
Oh, well, uh, I-I just wanted to thank you.
I, I don't know if you remember
but, uh, when I was a kid you helped me
get my life back on the right path.
Ah!
Damn it!
Look, I'm busy, all right?!
Oh, okay, I'll come back later.
Damn rookies.
Are all the other men out of the shower yet?
Hey, you, Porker.
Yes, I'm calling you a porker
and there's nothing you can do about it
because I'm protected
by my impenetrable cereal box fort.
( evil laugh )
Hey, you, Drunky.
Yes, that's right.
I'm calling you Drunky
and there's nothing you can do about it
because I'm protect...
Ah!
Oh, the toast is ready.
PETER: I'll get it, Lois.
There you go.
Uh, Peter, maybe you shouldn't bring your lance to the table.
Lois, if I'm going to get good enough
to impress the Black Knight
my lance must be with me at all times.
Aw, you guys are going to be so proud
when you see me out on that field.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go practice.
( screaming in pain )
Ow, Dad, my earring!
Stop! Ah!
Uh, yeah, two mutton joints, please.
Oh, thou wishest to feast
on the appendage of the humble ovine.
Listen, you freak, we don't all watch Frasier, okay?
Now give me two mutton joints.
Thank you!
'Tis a glorious afternoon, wouldst thou not agree?
Uh, uh, uh... yea, kind shrew.
Uh, I... before... thee... except after C."
Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock?
Uh... uh, sure.
Whatever floats your boat.
There you go.
Geez, freaking perverts.
Madeline!
Go wait in the Hyundai!
What were you doing with my girl?!
Huh? Oh, oh, geez.
She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties.
I'm standing here going, "What the hell?"
( grunts ) Oh, God!
Peter, play dead!
Curl up in an ass-ball or something!
What-what's the problem, B.K.?
I don't like you.
I don't like your face
and I don't like you hanging around my girl.
I don't ever want to see you here again.
Oh.
Okay, so we, but we can see each other
outside the fair, right?
I'm just trying to understand the rules here.
If I see you again, I'll kill you.
Okay, that's much clearer.
Oh God, I think I just miscarried!
Peter, what are you doing?
I spent hours soldering that costume for you.
I don't need it anymore, Lois.
I quit the team.
Quit the team?
But you can't quit jousting.
The big meet is today
and I thought you were..
( laughing )
Did you just say "big meet?"
( giggling )
Oh my God, I did.
( laughter )
Oh, we almost missed that one.
I know, that was a close one.
But I'm being serious here, Peter.
We were all set to come see you joust today.
You were so excited
to be on the same field as the Black Knight.
Well, I'm going to be watching it from the stands, Lois.
Because the Black Knight is just a big jerk.
Just like that guy who fixed our vacuum.
There you go, all fixed.
Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Oh.
Well, did you save it?
Uh, no.
You bastard.
DIANE: Well, it's an exciting day for all
here at the Renaissance Faire jousting meet.
Wouldn't you say, Tom?
Diane, I'd say it was a perfect day
if you weren't reminding us all of our grandmothers' cleavage.
Now let's go live to the field
where the Black Knight is preparing
to challenge his next opponent.
( bugles blowing )
( cheering )
( chanting ): ♪♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪♪
♪♪ Hey! ♪♪
♪♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪♪
♪♪ Hey! ♪♪
Hey.
How you doing there, big guy?
You holding up all right?
You want a soda?
Ah, screw it, I tried.
The Black Knight's next challenger will be
Sir Mort Goldman.
( whimpering )
Oh God, I forfeit!
TOM: Well, that's it, folks.
It looks like the Black Knight is out of challengers
and is once again undefeated.
Hey, what's your fat ass doing here?
He's my only means of conveyance.
But I guess I do spoil him.
Clearly, you do.
And what are you doing here, Griffin?
I thought I told you never to show your face here again!
Hey, we're just watching.
I don't want any trouble.
Well, you got trouble if you don't beat it.
Listen, buddy...
I said, get lost!
Where's he going?
Dad!
Let him go, kids.
You see that, kids?
Your father's nothing but a fizzle!
Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it!
( crowd gasps )
Except that one guy
who called me a fizzle
and-and then ran off.
He got away with it.
But most people
who call me a fizzle don't get away with it!
Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was
the only one who ever called me a fizzle.
After today, only half the people
who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it!
It appears a new challenger has entered the field.
The crowd has fallen deathly ill.
Silent. Sorry.
Oh my God, I'm going to die!
Oh, ah, ah, to the owner of a yellow Hyundai--
your car is being towed.
What?!
I won!
( cheering )
Oh, Peter, that was amazing!
You were so brave!
Nice going, Dad!
Oh, boy, that was lucky about the car, huh?
Take that, you bastard!
Nobody makes a fool out of Mort Goldman!
Spectacular performance, maggot!
How would you like to come on the road with us
as our lead jouster?
Thanks, but no thanks, Coach.
I've lived my dream.
And besides, my life is here with my family.
But, Mom, what's Dad going to do for a job?
LOIS: Oh, it'll be okay, Chris.
Remember that episode of The Honeymooners
when Ralph lost his job
but at the end of the show he didn't get it back?
PETER: Yeah, what was up with that?
That bugged the crap out of me.