♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪
Look, Meg, I'm that pretty dark-haired figure skater
with the horse teeth.
You know, the one who got
what she had coming.
Nice figure eight, Mom.
All right.
Okay, Bonnie, one two, three, push.
( yelling )
( cracking )
My God, I can walk.
It's a mira...!
Sorry, Dad.
Just get the chair.
Good shot.
Made my brown eye blue with that one.
Next one's coming for your head.
Oh, no.
No, help! Oh, help!
What the hell?
Now is the winter of your discontent.
Hey, Chris, you want to race?
On your mark, get set, go.
First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl
fell through the ice after coming to the States
to get treatment for her severely burned face
which she got when the man she refused to marry
dumped sulfuric acid on her wins.
I win. Yes! Yes!
In your face. In your face!
In my face. In my face.
( yells )
Oh, no, Acid Girl!
It's Acid Girl!
( girls chanting ): ...James Woods High
I am high on James Woods High.
Hey, guys.
What do you want, Meg?
I'm here to try out for cheerleading.
Peter Rabbit would be wise
to stay out of Mr. MacGregor's garden.
Why don't you try the flag girl squad?
Are you trying out for flag girl?
( garbled )
Yes! I win again, Andy.
Come on, mate.
One more before the missus notices
I'm not snoozing on the couch.
Too late.
Hey, careful, Quagmire.
Don't get too close
to that thing.
What the hell.
Did I just get laid?
Nice game, Peter.
Yeah, I'm on a roll.
I whipped Chris on the ice today, too.
Enjoy it while it lasts.
It's only a matter of time before he beats you.
What are you talking about?
I'm better than him at everything.
You name it-- sports, video games
even magic tricks.
Ha, ha, got your nose.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I got your face.
( screaming )
Calm down, Chris.
It's only a trick.
Face it, Peter, sooner or later
you're going to have to pass the torch.
I remember the first time Kevin beat me.
I was so proud of him.
I gave him a little congratulatory punch in the arm...
and then another
and then everything got a little hazy.
Kevin went to live with a foster family for a while.
Anyway, it's inevitable.
Oh, don't feel bad, Joe.
I think I know why your son beat you.
Apparently, you're a 12-year-old prepubescent girl.
Which is good
'cause I finally have someone to give this training bra to.
Here you go, Josephina.
Does that feel good on your new budding bosoms?
( high-pitched voice ): It sure does, Mr...
Get the hell off of me!
Well, Rudolph, we finally figured out
what makes your nose red.
Is it pixie dust, or leprechaun tails?
No, it's a tumor.
You mean like a magical Christmas tumor?
No, a malignant tumor--
the base of which is lodged deep within your brain.
Oh.
Like a happy, special...
You're going to die.
Hey, everybody, guess what I am.
The end result of a drunken backseat grope-fest
and a broken prophylactic?
I'm on the flag girl squad.
Oh, honey, congratulations.
Hey, Chris, I bet you can't do this.
I bet I can.
We perform at all the football games.
I'm practically a cheerleader.
Oh, Meg, that's wonderful.
Isn't that wonderful, Peter?
Yeah. Way to go, Stewie.
All right, Chris, I'll see you a fork
and raise you a gravy ladle.
You're on.
So, you're a flag girl.
That's great, Meg.
Yes, yes.
Now you can be somewhere else
when the boys don't call.
( snickering )
All right, saltshaker up the nose.
I've got pepper.
( loud sneeze )
( laughing)
Yes! I win!
That was fun, Dad.
I'm the man!
Yeah! Yea...
Um, Lois, go get the medical dictionary
and look up fork and lung.
Why?
Time's a factor, Lois.
Say, Meg, looking sharp.
You want to go out after the game tonight?
Neal, I'm a flag girl now.
I'm way too cool to be seen with you.
Really?
Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?
Hey, you guys.
Are we all ready to cheer at the game tonight?
We?
You made flag girl, huh?
Yes. So this morning my mom was all like
"Meg, don't forget your lunch."
And I'm all like, "Mom, I'm a flag girl now.
I'm not going to forget my lunch."
And she's all like, "Meg, don't forget
your half-time routine at the game."
Moms.
Hey, maybe we could all, like, hang out after the game.
Go, team!
Uncool people are like animals.
You want to go feed the science club after school?
( whistle blowing )
Look at me.
I'm smoking.
Dog, Dog, look.
You know, alcohol doesn't really make you warmer.
In fact, it constricts the blood vessels, causing...
Shut up.
The dog just told me to shut up.
I demand to know what you plan to do about this.
Hey, hey, the dog just told me...
Be quiet, Stewie.
Freezing my nips off out here.
Oh, look, there's Meg.
Meg.
Meg!
Hi, there.
Hi, Meg.
Here we go.
( marching band playing "Electric Avenue" )
Peter, isn't she beautiful?
Yeah, but I think she's with that guy.
They've been holding hands all night.
I mean Meg.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Yeah, she's hot.
Aw, this meat stinks something fierce.
This ought to knock her down a couple notches.
( crowd gasping )
( all laughing )
Yay, Meg.
I love how these kids celebrate these days.
What do you got?
What do you got, huh?
Come on.
Come on, ref. That's charging.
Your feet were moving. No foul.
No foul?
There's a stupid call.
And I know something about stupid calls.
( phone ringing )
Hello.
Peter: Lois, I can't take out the garbage
because I'm at the office and they're making me stay late.
Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen.
In fact, I can see you.
Can you see me now?
No.
Okay, now I'm at the office.
The score's tied. Next basket wins.
Chris, you might finally beat your old man.
What are you talking about "old man"?
I'm the white Larry Bird.
What do you got?
What do you got, huh? Come on.
Your mother and I are getting a divorce.
You are?
Yes! Yes!
Oh, no, we worked it out.
Yes!
Well, son, you played good
but your dad is still number one.
Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you.
Hey, Chris, what's with your leg?
Oh, my God!
That's not your leg!
( Peter groaning )
What's wrong, honey?
I'll tell you what's wrong.
I'm trying to make love to you
and you're thinking about Chris.
Peter, is there something you need to tell me?
Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang.
Thanks to me?
Well, he didn't get it from me.
What are you talking about?
I'll show you.
All right, stand back, Lois.
Oh, my.
Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
How the hell did this happen?
I'm supposed to be the man of the house.
You must be so ashamed of me.
Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis
as you care about the size of my breasts.
Oh, my God!
Meg, honey, you can't let those awful kids get to you.
Oh, they won't.
Because I'm never going back
to that school again.
Dad, after dinner
could you help me with my algebra?
Hey, you're a big man.
You figure it out.
You know, I bet there's a part of you
that really wants to be friends with them.
Maybe.
So, be nice to them.
Win your enemies over with unflappable kindness.
Chris, drink your milk.
It'll make you big and strong.
No! No more milk for him, Lois!
He's had enough!
Give me that.
Meghan, you must try the brisket.
Allow me to serve it in the manner
to which you're accustomed.
Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart.
I know what it takes to be cool.
She packed my bags...
last night-- preflight.
Zero hour-- 9:00 a.m.
And I'm gonna be high...
as a kite by then.
( Elton John's "Rocket Man" playing )
♪♪ And I think it's gonna be a long, long time ♪♪
♪♪ Till touchdown brings me round again to find ♪♪
♪♪ I'm not the man they think I am at home ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, no, no, no... ♪♪
♪♪ I'm a Rocket Man ♪♪
♪♪ Rocket Man, burning out his fuse out here alone ♪♪
♪♪ And I think it's going to be a long, long time ♪♪
♪♪ Till touchdown brings me round again to find ♪♪
♪♪ I'm not the man they think I am at home ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, no, no, no ♪♪
♪♪ I'm a Rock-It-Man ♪♪
♪♪ Rocket Man, burning out his fuse up here alone. ♪♪
Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.
Hi, you guys.
Oh, God, it's her.
Look, about the other night...
Oh, that was hilarious.
I just wish I'd known ahead of time.
I would have brought potato salad.
( laughs )
( chuckles)
Hey, you guys want tomorrow's Biology test?
Whoa! How'd you get that?
I spent the night with Mr. Burler.
Ah, the sun's up.
I'm safe for another night.
Thanks, Meg.
Wow. Thanks.
See ya.
That was kind of cool.
Yeah.
I'm bored.
Hey, you want to go push the janitor
knowing he can't legally push us back?
Sure.
Awesome.
Okay, cool.
Hey, Dad, look at these little bananas.
( laughs )
Why, you smug little bastard.
Peter!
Chris, these are plantains
and there's nothing wrong with them.
In fact, a lot of women prefer them
to normal-sized bananas because they're exotic
and flavorful and very, very special.
Oh, yeah, sure, Lois, all the sorority girls
are clamoring for the plantain section.
Stop with this.
Look, Peter, you're overreacting to this Chris stuff.
I mean, mine goes inside of me when I stand up.
How do you think I feel?
Is Dad mad at me?
Oh, of course not, honey.
Now go pick out a box of cereal
and meet me at the ten-inches-or-less line.
Items!
Nice, huh?
Yeah, you like this?
Stop it, Peter.
You're embarrassing me.
Look, I know you're upset, but...
Oh, my God. Where's Stewie?
He's around.
Stewie: Let me out of this
stink-filled corduroy dungeon!
Peter, that's sick!
It's okay. He's outside the underwear.
Enjoy your new car, Mr. Griffin.
Thanks, Jim.
( engine revving )
( loud rock music playing )
Hey, when you pull that thing into your garage
does the garage say, "Is it in yet?"
( laughs )
Don't worry, baby.
I'll be gentle.
( loud crash )
( all laughing)
Ow, my pride.
Mom, you were right!
I was nice to the cool kids
and they didn't spit on me.
Connie D'Amico even invited me to her Sweet 16.
Oh, how wonderful.
Now, what time do we nail those snot-nosed punks?
"Nail them"?
You told me to win them over with kindness.
Yes, and now that they think you're their friend
it's the perfect time to exact your revenge.
"Revenge"?
See, Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles
you see on the Discovery Channel:
beautiful to look at
but mess with one of my chicks
and I'll use my razor-sharp talons
to rip your ( timer dings ) eyes out.
Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate chip?
Ooh, I do.
But keep talking.
All this stuff about eye-gouging has got me all frisky.
Really, I've got about a half a pack
of Rolaids in my diaper.
I'm glad you're interested
in joining the National Gun Association, Peter.
Let me show you around.
This is our shooting range.
And here we have our locker room
with full shower facilities.
Holy crap, they're all so small.
Well, you see, Peter, the way we look at it
a man's only as big as the gun he carries.
Sign me up, Jack
and give me the biggest freaking gun you got.
Hey, Stewie, you can come out now.
Ah! Turn off the light.
I'm reading a ghost story.
Pull.
Oh, yeah.
Who's the big man now, huh?
Madonna or Janet Jackson?
Which Janet Jackson?
Velvet Rope.
Yeah, that one. Pull!
Peter, what the hell are you doing
with that thing?
You want to touch it?
Go on. Got to be careful, though.
You don't want it to get too excited
and go off in your hair.
This is pathetic.
And all because
you feel inadequate next to Chris.
Don't be stupid.
I don't need to compete with my son
or his freakishly large penis.
I'm a freak.
Don't despair.
Let's just hang a tire on the end of it
and head on down to the old swimming hole.
Okay, listen up.
Connie D'Amico's house is two stories.
Now, if we set up booby traps here, here...
How'd you get these blueprints?
Oh, your mother has her ways.
She has her ways.
Can I have the blueprints to the D'Amico house?
Sure, here you go.
Now, I've put together a little flash bomb
to create a diversion.
I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake.
What's Whitesnake?
That's the music mommies and daddies listen to.
Fire in the hole!
Peter, some of the guys from the club
are going hunting tomorrow.
Count me in.
Hunting?
I thought you were going to play hockey with Chris.
Well, you can bring him along.
Oh, no, it's too dangerous.
Lois, Lois, the National Gun Association is all about safety
especially when it comes to kids.
Take a look at our new video.
Man: Let's face it.
Your kids are going to get into your guns.
That's a fact.
Gun accidents can be avoided
by introducing your children to guns as early as possible.
Hi, I'm Petey the Pistol.
Say, do you ever get lonely?
Yes.
Me, too.
Hold me.
If you squeeze me
I make bad people go away.
But wait a minute.
I though guns were bad.
Announcer: Guns are good.
In fact, did you know that
Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans?
So, remember, guns don't kill people--
dangerous minorities do.
See, Lois, they're responsible.
Hey, check it out, Chris.
I can write my name in the snow.
This is fun, Dad.
Son, son, I told you
out here in the wilderness call me Rooster Cogburn.
You know, Rooster
I was starting to think you didn't like me anymore.
Chris, look. Tracks.
There must be a deer around here.
Those are snowmobile tracks.
Shh, there he is.
( gasps )
Ah, such grace.
That's the thing about hunting.
You got to be patient.
( loud growl )
What the hell was that?
( screams )
( dance music playing )
Here, put this in the heating grate
and set it off in five minutes.
I changed my mind.
I'm not doing it.
These people are my friends now.
After they pelted you with meat?
Did you forget how
the neighbor kids chased after you
and tried to sprinkle you with Fixin's?
Yes, I did.
Okay, now we're going to play "Seven Minutes in Heaven"
and it's my party so I want Doug
to go in the closet with Meg.
Have fun.
( all giggling )
Okay, everyone, get ready.
Say hello to the lovers.
( screams )
I don't know who should be more humiliated
Meg or the pig?
She's such a dork.
I think I feel worse for the pig.
( pig squealing )
Mom, you were right.
I should have just stuck to the plan.
Well, I figured
you might get soft on me
so I hired an old friend to scar them for life.
( doorbell rings )
Hey, there, sweetie.
How old are you?
Sixteen.
18? You're first.
Mom?
I like where this is going.
Giggety-giggety, giggety.
Don't worry, Chris.
I'll handle the bear.
Say hello to Satan for me.
( screams )
It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin.
I'm afraid the fever
has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin.
Looks like he's going to have to repeat
the fourth grade, Mrs. Griffin.
Looks like he's going to have to repeat
the fourth grade, Mrs. Griffin.
The only way to get rid of them
is with this special shampoo and a tiny comb, Mr. Griffin.
Congratulations, you've passed the fourth grade, Mr. Griffin.
Oh, great. Listen, I got to leave, though.
I'm going hunting with my son.
Dad, I know what to do.
I saw it on Fox's When Bears Attack.
Go away! Go on! Get!
Stay tuned for an all-new Ally McBeal.
Holy crap.
Chris, that was amazing.
I mean, I just froze up
but you handled that bear like a real man.
I'm proud of you, son.
You are?
'Cause I heard what you said
about my huge... you know.
Oh, oh, you...
You heard that, huh?
Well, I was just being stupid.
Take it from me
that thing you got there is a blessing.
I mean, every guy you see with a big house
or a fancy car or a shiny gold tooth
is really just saying, "Don't look at my penis"
but you'll never have to worry about that.
Thanks, Dad.
You're the best.
You know, Dad, I just realized something.
Your name's Peter.
( laughs )
You're right. It is.
( laughs )
Peter.
( both laugh )