It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a... fam... ily... guy!
That's funny-- I don't remember buying Stewie these toys.
( gasps )
My God, it all makes sense now.
My baby is some kind of diabolical genius
bent on world domination!
Bravo, Lois.
The last horse finally crosses the finish line.
Stewie! All these months
I should have been paying attention
to what you've been saying.
You're an evil child.
Why, why did I have to go and smoke pot
when I was pregnant with you?
Cheer up, Mother-- you should be proud.
You've given birth
to the future emperor of the world.
Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio.
( yelling )
( gasps ) Lois... Lois...
Hmm? What's the matter?
Oh, I just had the strangest dream.
Something about Stewie and Cheerios...
Uh... Huh, it's gone.
Well, come on, get up.
It's opening day for the Sox.
Hey, Chris, Meg, we're going to Fenway!
Peter, you can't just pull the kids
out of school for a baseball game.
Ah, there's nothing these kids learn in school
they can't learn on the street.
It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Well, you tell me.
Louie left his house at 2:15
and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles
at a rate of five miles per hour.
What time will Louie arrive?
Depends if he stops to see his ho.
That's what we call a "variable."
Look what I made for the game.
What's that mean, anyway?
"And the Lord said, 'Go Sox.'"
Dad, don't you have to work today?
Heh-heh. It's nothing a little phone call can't take care of.
Hello?
Mr. Weed, I can't come to work today.
I was in a terrible plane crash.
My entire family was killed
and I am a vegetable.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Eh? Eh?
Oh, please, Peter
your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
( gasping )
Too soon?
( crowd cheering )
Here it comes, Jeremy.
I got it! I got it!
Yes! Yeah! Whoo!
All right! I'm the man! Yeah!
Hold on to this, Stewie.
It'll be a souvenir
of your first major league game with your dad.
My God, I... I shall cherish this forever.
I say, Opie, I'll trade you this baseball for your souvenir bat.
Sure.
Aah! What did you learn?
This is great. We haven't done anything together like this
since we saw Mike Tyson get beat.
All right, Mike
the word again is...
"onomatopoeia."
Uh... "C."
I'm sorry, that's incorrect.
Oh, dang.
I'm so glad you talked us all into playing hooky.
Me, too. Hey, maybe we can get on TV
if we take our shirts off and run onto the field.
Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off.
-There-- now they're old news. -Peter!
Go Sox!
Go... Aah!
( yelling and grunting )
Ow!
Hmm.
Peter? ( gasps )
Oh, uh..., hi, Mr. Weed.
Well, it seems you have made a full recovery.
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
Uh, that plane crash I told you about?
It turned out to be gas.
Aha! Liar!
Tomorrow, my office, 9:30.
I'm tired of Mr. Weed treating me like a common doormat.
I-I want him to treat me like one of those deluxe ones
from Pottery Barn, with the fancy straw.
Mm, I don't care for Pottery Barn.
Peter, if you want Mr. Weed to respect you
you're going to have to earn it.
Hmm. Earn it.
( slurping )
( sobbing ): Why have you forsaken me?
Uh, M-M-Mr. Weed?
Um, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother
at the ball game yesterday.
And if you don't buy that
I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday.
Peter, I just received terrible news--
this company has been taken over by a conglomerate.
After 23 years of faithful service
I've been terminated!
Wow, the business world sure is funny.
Hey, Dilbert, what do you call it
when a guy in middle management
moves all the way to upper management?
I don't know. What do you call it?
A promotion.
Oh, thanks.
Here's a memo.
Well, sometimes the business world's funny.
And so, on behalf of the El Dorado Cigarette Company
I'd like to welcome you to our family.
I think you'll be very happy with the changes we've made.
Ah, this is sweet!
Hey, why are you putting a window
in the middle of the factory?
So Aunt Bee has a place to let her pies cool.
Hello, boys. Today's pie is cherry.
It'll be ready just in time for lunch.
Wow, these guys sure know how to run a company.
Look how happy those morons are.
They'll never realize we're using those toys
to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes.
( fiendish laughter )
( thunderclap )
( whistles )
Good boy, Connor.
Pull.
( dog yelps )
( all laughing )
Can't we eat?
I'm so hungry, I could ride a horse.
I don't get it.
Well, I could ride it to the store, I guess.
I told you, we're not starting without your father.
Dinner just isn't dinner without him.
Ooh, well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience.
Num, num, num, num, num!
( excited noises )
( raspberries )
Peter: Hey, family
anyone in the mood for lobster...
Aah! Aah! Ow! Oh, God! One of them has my pupil!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh, God! Aah! Aah!
Ah.
Peter, how the hell can you afford lobster on your salary?
I got a raise. What?!
Yeah. The new owners gave everyone raises.
Even Kenneth, the bad-ass mail clerk
with the heart of gold.
Hi, Kenneth. Hey, did I get any mail?
No, and if you come any closer, I'll slice you!
Okay, okay.
Man, what a bad-ass.
Yeah? Well, that "bad-ass"
just gave half his paycheck to orphans--
orphans with diseases.
And check out the new toys we're making.
"Baby Smokes-A-Lot"?
( doll giggles )
Tastes like happy!
Cool! That's imitatable.
What the hell...?
"El Dorado Cigarettes"?
They bought your company?
Oh, my God!
They're trying to corrupt our children.
What do you expect?
Those bastards turned a whole generation of Americans
into smokers with their damn subliminal advertising.
Timmy, where's Lassie?
She's out in the orchard, Ma.
Peaches are coming in mighty early this year.
Smoke.
You know what they say, Timmy--
"Early peaches; long summer."
Smoke.
( barks )
What's that, Lassie?
Are you smoking yet?
Peter, if kids see this doll
they're going to think smoking's okay.
You have to talk to these new bosses of yours
first thing in the morning.
Don't you worry, Lois.
I'll set them straight, just like I did with Chris.
Dad
what's the blowhole for?
I'll tell you what it's not for, son
and when I do, you'll understand
why I can never go back to Sea World.
Gentlemen, we need to talk.
My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke.
That's just not true.
Well, what about this toy?
Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette.
I mean, Barbie has a dream car
but you don't see every eight-year-old kid driving.
They're just fun toys.
Smoke.
Not now, Jerry.
Trust me, Peter-- the last thing we want
is to get kids to start smoking.
Well, then-then what about that graph on the wall that says
"The first thing we want
is to get kids to start smoking"?
That? Oh, that's just something my son made me in art class.
Huh. Well, wh-what about that poster that says
"The graph was not made in art class.
We really do want kids to start smoking"?
Look, we're a caring company.
I mean, uh, would you really be the president of a company
that didn't care about kids?
No, but I'm not the president.
Yes, you are... if you want to be.
All: Ah...
Oh, wow! Imagine me, president!
I'll do it!
( Peter humming "Hail to the Chief" )
So, how did it go?
I-I'm not finished yet.
( resumes humming )
Aren't you going to ask me how it went?
Yes! Did you talk to the company executives?
( resumes humming ) Peter, answer me!
Yeah, I did, and they made me president.
Of the whole company?
All right, Dad!
You should have seen the way they were treating me.
I've never gotten that kind of respect before.
Great workout, Bobby.
Up yours, sack breath!
That's Mr. Griffin.
But, Peter, why would they make you president?
Well, maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states
in a quarter of a second.
( yelps )
Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
Geez, Lois, I thought you'd be proud of me.
After all these years
the company finally thinks I'm worth something.
Just wait till you see all the perks we're going to get.
Um... hi. Can I help you?
Yeah. Some company hired me to stand next to you all day
so you'd look better by comparison.
That's ridiculous! I don't need...
Hey, Meg, did you get less ugly?
Yeah!
Surprise!
Uh, everything looks the same.
Oh, it looks the same
but actually, El Dorado Cigarettes
has coated the entire inside of the house
with a microfilm of Teflon so it's easy to clean.
Oh.
Heh. Maybe I shouldn't have had them do the floors.
I'm "Nudes on Ice!
Ah, this is so exciting.
Your father's first day as president.
Good morning, first family.
Ooh, Lois, what's in this coffee?
Isn't it wonderful?
The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework.
I take back all the bad things I said about them.
The coffee is delicious, Martha.
A little chicory perks up the taste
of roasted coffee beans.
It's a good thing.
Well, I think it's a crappy thing.
In fact, this is my last cigarette ever.
You make me sick
letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks.
Ooh, I beg to differ.
Oh, you don't need to park here, Mr. Griffin.
You have an executive parking space now.
Well, that looks exactly like my old space.
Yeah, but this one comes with your own company suck-up.
Morning, Mr. Griffin. Nice day.
Eh, it's a little cloudy. It's absolutely cloudy--
one of the worst days I've seen in years.
So, good news about the Yankees.
-I hate the Yankees. Pack of cheaters, -that's what they are.
I love your tie. I hate this tie.
It's awful, it's gaudy-- it's got to go.
And I hate myself. I hate you, too.
You make me sick, you fat sack of crap.
But I'm the president. The best there is.
But you just said you hated me.
But... not you the... president..
the you who said you hated... you..
you who love... hate..
Yankees... clouds...
I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir.
Here's your new digs.
Now get to work, sport.
We're counting on you.
Wow, my own office.
Well, I guess I'd better get busy.
( pencil sharpener whirring )
( sighs )
Ow!
( zipper zipping )
( pencil sharpener whirring )
( screaming )
Gentlemen, we have a problem.
There's an anti-smoking bill before Congress
that could put us out of business.
Yes, apparently causing cancer is this year's "hot button."
I don't understand it. We've tried everything
to get through to these politicians.
Harvard lawyers, lobbyists, wisecracking leprechauns.
Excuse me, do you have a dollar?
I'm a little short.
( chuckling )
Maybe that's the problem.
They're all idiots in Washington.
Instead of a smart guy
we should send a moron they can relate to.
( all agreeing )
But where are we going to find someone
within the company who's that stupid?
Yeah, and not just stupid-- fat, too.
( all agreeing )
Hey, wait a second.
Didn't we just make a fat, stupid guy president?
You bet we did.
Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is...
that guy.
( up-tempo musical intro)
Diamonds, daisies, snowflakes, that guy
Chestnuts, rainbows, springtime is that guy
He's tinsel on a tree
He's everything that every guy should be
Sable, popcorn, white wine, that guy
Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway is that guy
He's mine alone, but luckily for you
If you find a guy to love
Only one guy to love
Then he'll be that guy, too
That guy!
So, uh, what's this big assignment
you got for me, Chairman of The Broad?
( chuckles )
"Chairman of The Broad."
When did you become such a stitch?
Don't you remember?
You gave me writers.
"Sir, I don't want to say you're rich
"but when you walk into a bank
all the tellers go, 'whoopee.'"
That wasn't funny.
I thought you guys said you were Jewish.
Well, he's only half Jewish.
You're fired.
Here's the thing, Griffin.
Some troublemakers in Congress
are trying to shut us down.
We need someone important like you
to go down to Washington and help those bastards see
what kind of fun-loving people
the tobacco industry's really made of.
Washington? Ah, sweet.
I'm your man, but I got to warn you--
I've made some enemies on the Hill.
And that's when Clarence Thomas forced me into his chambers
and showed me lewd pictures.
Mr. Griffin, we have indisputable evidence
that not only have you never been in the same room
as Clarence Thomas
you've never been in the same state.
How do you respond to that?
Bababooey, bababooey, Howard Stern's penis.
Bababooey, bababooey, bababooey.
How long is Dad going to be in Washington?
As long as it takes.
He's a very important man now.
You know, he's the spokesman for his entire industry.
Thank you, Martha.
Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide?
Piss off.
What?!
I'm... I'm sorry.
It just... it feels like forever
since I've had a smoke.
I'm just a bit testy.
Stop staring at my tail!
Hello, Mr. Harrison?
Yeah, I see those government guys
you were telling me about.
I'll show them a good time
and get them to come around to our side.
Excuse me.
Al Gore? George W. Bush?
-Yes. -Yes.
Great.
And what's your friend's name?
Dick Armey.
( laughing )
Oh, gosh. No, seriously, what's his name?
Dick Armey.
( laughing )
Oh, I just got it.
Hey, Armey, hey, what's your wife's name--
Vagina Coast Guard?
Oh, no, I'm kidding you guys.
Get in the car. We're going to a skin bar.
( all agreeing )
That sounds good.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I don't know what happened.
It's okay.
It's okay, Senator.
This girl didn't have a family.
It'll be like she never existed.
Now grab ahold of yourself.
All right, now listen-- you may have killed her
when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat.
You may have killed her
when you hit her with the stool--
I don't know, I'm not a doctor--
but I'll tell you what didn't kill her--
smoking.
You have our support, Griffin.
Look, kids, here's your father in People Magazine
with Jim Carrey.
And they're both... smokin'.
I loved that in Mask.
Smokin'.
Smokin'...
Damn it! Do I have to listen to this drivel
24 hours a day?!
But, hey, I guess anything's better
than looking at your smelly face.
Mom!
Now, honey, your face smells fine.
You know he doesn't mean it.
It's just the lack of nicotine.
Hey, Mom, the school janitor said
that Dad's working for the bad guys
and he said it through a hole in his throat.
Well, that doesn't make him right.
If I had a hole in my throat
I'd put pennies in it.
Listen, you father's doing great work
and life's never been better.
Yes, I too applaud the oaf
for finally showing some initiative.
God knows it was years overdue.
( gasps )
Oh, you know who I saw
at the market today?
Patty Croft.
Oh, and she has gotten fat.
Oh, my god! Stewie, no!
Oh, God, what have I done?
I knew smoking was bad, but I still sold my soul
and for what? Martha Stewart?
Come on, kids, we got to put a stop to this.
Now!
( sighs )
Finally.
( breaking wind )
Ah.
They call me Bill
Yes, they call me Bill
And I'm standing here on Capitol...
( screams )
Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry.
Bob Dole likes your style.
Bob Dole, Bob Dole...
Bob Dole, Bob Dole, Bob Dole, Bob Dole...
Bob Dole... Bob Dole...
Lois: There you are.
Peter, I caught Stewie smoking.
That cigarette company is evil.
We can't be a part of this anymore.
Lois, this is the best job I ever had.
Hey, since I became president
profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano.
( laughing )
What kind of cheap shot?!
Joel!
I'm suing, I'm suing. I'm on it.
Mr. Griffin, time for your speech.
But Peter, what about your son?
So Stewie had a puff.
He's old enough to make his own decisions.
For God's sakes, Lois, he's one.
Cut the umbilical cord.
( applause )
Ladies and gentlemen of Congress--
I am here today to talk to you about smoking.
Oh, please, Peter, do the right thing.
I know a lot of you are already on my side.
And for you naysayers
I have two strong words for you--
Come on.
Come on!
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Sure.
Thank you, ladies and...
( coughing )
And... and...
( coughing )
Baby needs to suck ash.
Not ass, you pervert.
Save it for the interns.
Is that a baby?
( coughing )
Oh, my God, that's Stewie!
Lois was right.
Children under four shouldn't smoke.
Look, I don't care about this stupid job anymore.
Cigarettes are bad.
Mr. Griffin is right.
Smoking is a horrible vice.
It shortens life expectancy and pollutes our air
and according to recent polls, air is good.
Cigarettes killed my father...
and raped my mother.
Gentlemen, I propose we send a message
to tobacco companies everywhere
by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company
infinity billion dollars.
That's the spirit, Frank.
But I think a real number might be more effective.
All in favor of fining this evil tobacco giant
$100 million, say aye.
All: Aye.
But that will bankrupt us.
Oh, you mean the way
you've morally bankrupted America?
( laughing )
Thanks for that zinger, boys.
Now give me a snappy line to go out on.
Actually, our lunch is here.
Uh...
well, that's my mama.
( chuckling )
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.
You know, we've had a lot of laughs tonight
but I'll tell you what's not funny.
Killing strippers.
Strippers are people, too.
Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you
for a price you negotiate later
behind the curtain at a VIP room.
Besides, there's no need to kill them.
'Cause most of them are already dead inside.
Good night, everyone.