♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪
DAD, CAN YOU HELP ME WITH MY MATH?
MR. SHACKLEFORD SAYS IF I DON'T LEARN IT
I WON'T BE ABLE TO FUNCTION IN THE REAL WORLD.
OKAY, NOW, WHAT YOU GOT TO DO
IS GO DOWN THE ROAD
PAST THE OLD JOHNSON PLACE
AND YOU'RE GOING TO FIND TWO ROADS.
ONE PARALLEL AND ONE PERPENDICULAR.
NOW, KEEP GOING UNTIL YOU COME TO A HIGHWAY
THAT BISECTS IT AT A 45-DEGREE ANGLE.
SOLVE FOR X.
MATH... HUH.
MATH, MY DEAR BOY
IS NOTHING MORE THAN THE LESBIAN SISTER OF BIOLOGY.
( knocking )
HELLO, SIR.
ENOUGH WITH THE FOREPLAY.
WHAT ARE YOU SELLING?
WELL, I WAS GOING TO TRY
TO SELL YOU SOME HANDSOME CREAM
BUT I CAN SEE
YOU ALREADY BOUGHT OUT THE STORE.
GO ON.
SO, PERHAPS YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN SOMETHING
EVERY HOMEOWNER CANNOT BE WITHOUT:
VOLCANO INSURANCE.
GO ON.
ACCORDING TO MY UNCLE
WHO'S A REAL WHIZ WITH VOLCANOES
A VOLCANO IS COMING THIS WAY.
HMM... I, TOO, HAVE AN UNCLE.
COME IN.
HOW MUCH IS THIS VOLCANO INSURANCE?
I-I DON'T KNOW.
UH, LET'S SAY $200.
$200? THAT'S MORE THAN I SPENT
ON ALL THAT HANDSOME CREAM.
I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY.
WHAT ABOUT THAT JAR OF MONEY?
OH, WAIT
THAT'S LOIS'S RAINY-DAY FUND.
AH, COME ON.
IT NEVER RAINS IN RHODE ISLAND.
BUT-- YEAH, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE
WE'VE NEVER HAD A VOLCANO EITHER.
WELL, DON'T YOU THINK WE'RE OVERDUE FOR ONE?
TOUCHE, SALESMAN.
( Stewie snoring )
OH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
WATCHING YOU SLEEP, CUTIE-PIE.
WHY YOU SICK, SICK LITTLE MOO COW.
YOU SHALL WATCH
NO MORE!
STEWIE!
MY GLASSES!
I CAN'T SEE A THING WITHOUT MY GLASSES.
WHY WON'T YOU LET ME GET LASER SURGERY?
BECAUSE I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S SAFE.
OKAY, I JUST NEED TO MAKE A QUICK INCISION HERE
AND WE SHOULD BE ALL DONE, MRS. WILSON.
LUKE, USE THE FORCE.
REALLY? 'CAUSE I WAS JUST GOING TO...
LUKE, USE THE FORCE.
OKAY.
( screams )
ARE YOU HAPPY?
I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPY.
OH, DON'T WORRY, HONEY
WE'LL GET YOU A NEW PAIR TOMORROW.
YES, AND IN THE MEANTIME
HERE'S A LITTLE VISION TEST.
WHAT IS THIS?
A POOPIE OR TOBLERONE?
TV Announcer: We now return
to Girlfriends on Lifetime.
Barry was over last night and he...
Don't tell me.
Both: He left the toilet seat up.
Oh, I ran into Frank.
It's funny; he fought in Vietnam
he's an exorcist
but there is one thing that terrifies him...
Both: Commitment.
Oh, Midge, you're my third best friend
in the whole world.
Third? Who are the first two?
Ben and Jerry.
( laughing )
Announcer: Lifetime: Television for Idiots.
PETER, DID YOU TAKE THE MONEY
FROM THE FAMILY JAR?
WHO ME? YES ME.
COULDN'T BE. THEN WHO?
YEAH, I DID IT.
I BOUGHT US VOLCANO INSURANCE.
VOLCANO INSURANCE.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS!
THAT'S THE SAME THING YOU SAID
WHEN YOU TALKED ME OUT OF GETTING THAT CLOUD INSURANCE.
LOOK AT THEM UP THERE.
JUST PLOTTING... PICKING THEIR MOMENT.
SO, BILL, WE ATTACK TOMORROW.
YES. TOMORROW.
I MEAN IT THIS TIME.
I DO, TOO.
PETER, THAT WAS OUR EMERGENCY MONEY
AND YOUR DAUGHTER JUST SO HAPPENS
TO NEED A NEW PAIR OF GLASSES.
LOIS, NO ONE REALLY NEEDS GLASSES.
YOU WEAR GLASSES.
THAT'S ONLY TO FOOL THE MAN FROM THE DRAFT BOARD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SQUANDERED THAT MONEY.
I SWEAR, SOMETIMES I FEEL
LIKE I'M MARRIED TO A CHILD.
WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT
MY BEAUTIFUL BRIDE
EXCEPT MILK, MILK, LEMONADE
AROUND THE CORNER, FUDGE IS MADE.
( goofy laugh )
YOU BETTER WATCH WHO YOU'RE CALLING A CHILD, LOIS
BECAUSE IF I'M A CHILD
THEN YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MAKES YOU?
A PEDOPHILE. AND I'LL DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO STAND HERE
AND BE LECTURED BY A PERVERT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, CLEVELAND?
LOIS THINKS I'M BAD WITH MONEY.
SHE'S GOT A POINT, PETER.
YOU'RE THE WHITE VERSION
OF A BLACK GUY WHO'S NOT GOOD WITH HIS MONEY.
HEY, GUYS AND DOLLS
DRINKS ARE ON DO-RE-ME!
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?
THIS LOOT'S THANKS TO MY STOCKBROKER
IAN GREENSTEIN.
HE MADE SOME SMART INVESTMENTS THAT REALLY PAID OFF.
THAT GUY IS TO MONEY WHAT MISS ANN-MARGRET
IS TO EE-ER-EE-ER...
LET ME BUY THE DRINKS, QUAGMIRE.
MY ACCOUNTANT LARRY ROSENBLATT JUST GOT ME A HUGE TAX REFUND
AND TICKETS TO BRING IN DA NOISE, BRING IN DA FUNK.
THE NOISE WAS GOOD
BUT I THOUGHT THEY PHONED IN
A LOT OF THE FUNK.
WAIT A SECOND.
ROSENBLATT? GREENSTEIN?
SO YOU'RE SAYING I NEED A JEWISH GUY TO HANDLE MY MONEY.
PETER, NOT EVERY JEWISH PERSON IS GOOD WITH MONEY.
WELL, YEAH, I GUESS NOT THE RETARDED ONES
BUT WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?
FOR SHOCK VALUE?
SHESH, CLEVELAND, THERE'S EDGY AND THERE'S OFFENSIVE.
GOOD DAY, SIR.
MOTHER, YOU KNOW HOW I HATE
ASKING FOR MONEY, BUT...
MOTHER, PETER'S AN EXCELLENT PROVIDER.
NO, MOTHER, I DO NOT THINK
I'D BE BETTER OFF MARRIED TO A CHIMP.
I DON'T CARE HOW WELL THAT CHIMP ACROSS THE STREET IS DOING.
REALLY? WELL, YEAH, OKAY
I GUESS YOU CAN TELL HIM I SAID HI.
BUT DON'T MAKE ME SOUND DESPERATE.
I GOT TO GET A GREENSTEIN OR A ROSENBLATT
OF MY VERY OWN.
♪♪ NOTHING ELSE HAS WORKED SO FAR ♪♪
♪♪ SO I'LL WISH ♪♪
♪♪ UPON A STAR ♪♪
♪♪ WONDROUS DANCING SPECK OF LIGHT ♪♪
♪♪ I NEED A JEW ♪♪
♪♪ LOIS MAKES ME TAKE THE RAP ♪♪
♪♪ 'CAUSE OUR CHECKBOOK LOOKS LIKE CRAP ♪♪
♪♪ SINCE I CAN'T GIVE HER A SLAP ♪♪
♪♪ I NEED A JEW ♪♪
♪♪ WHERE TO FIND ♪♪
♪♪ A "BAUM" OR "STEIN" OR "STINE" ♪♪
♪♪ TO TEACH ME HOW TO WHINE ♪♪
♪♪ AND DO MY TAXES ♪♪
♪♪ THOUGH BY MANY THEY'RE ABHORRED ♪♪
♪♪ HEBREW PEOPLE I'VE ADORED ♪♪
♪♪ I DON'T THINK THEY KILLED MY LORD ♪♪
♪♪ I NEED
♪♪ A JEW. ♪♪
( knocking )
HI. MY NAME'S MAX WEINSTEIN.
MY CAR JUST BROKE DOWN.
MAY I USE YOUR PHONE?
♪♪ NOW MY TROUBLES ARE ALL THROUGH ♪♪
♪♪ I HAVE A JEW. ♪♪
HEY!
I PRAYED FOR YOU, MAX WEINSTEIN
AND HERE YOU ARE.
OKAY.
LISTEN, UH, THANKS FOR LETTING ME USE THE PHONE.
THANKS FOR SPACEBALLS.
YEAH, WELL, IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN EVER DO FOR YOU...
-YOU CAN'T LEAVE. -AAH!
( screams )
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
FINANCIAL ADVICE.
FINANCIAL ADVICE?
HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW I'M AN ACCOUNTANT?
HELLO? "MAX WEINSTEIN"?
Max: LOOK, I'LL DO WHAT I CAN.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINK
I CAN GET YOUR MONEY BACK.
M-M-MAX, MAX, MAX.
LET'S NOT DENY OUR HERITAGES.
YOU'RE JEWISH; YOU'RE GOOD WITH MONEY.
I'M IRISH; I DRINK AND I BAN HOMOSEXUALS
FROM MARCHING IN MY PARADE.
NOW HELP ME GET MY MONEY BACK.
OH. IT'S YOU.
UM... I'M NOT IN RIGHT NOW.
PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE.
( beeps )
( sighs ): OH, MAN
I HATE THESE THINGS.
UH, YEAH, HI, THIS IS PETER GRIFFIN
UH, I'M SORRY I MISSED YOU, UH...
PETER, PLAY WITH THIS.
LOOK, SIR, I HAVE REVIEWED THIS CONTRACT
AND IT OFFERS NO COVERAGE AT ALL.
IT JUST SAYS "VOLCANO INSURANCE"
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
AND DOWN HERE IN SMALL PRINT IT SAYS
"HE'S SIGNING IT, HE'S SIGNING IT
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT."
-SO? -SO, JUST REFUND THIS MAN'S MONEY
AND WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY.
I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONEY.
HOW ABOUT THAT MONEY?
NO WAY.
THAT'S LOIS' RAINY DAY FUND.
OH, DAMN IT.
So you couldn't date her
because she was a tickler.
A tickler.
And you're not a stickler for a tickler.
Not a stickler for a tickler.
Not a tickler stickler? Not a tickler stickler.
Tickler, stickler. Stickler, tickler.
WHERE THE HELL IS THE REMOTE?
HEY, HONEY, GUESS WHAT?
I GOT BACK THE MONEY FOR MEG'S GLASSES.
REALLY?
OH, HONEY.
OH, HELLO.
THIS IS MY SPECIAL FRIEND MAX WEINSTEIN.
HE'S JEWISH.
OH, MY, HOW EXOTIC.
THANK YOU?
SEE? HERE'S YOUR RAINY DAY MONEY
AND I BALANCED OUR CHECKBOOK, TOO.
YOU BALANCED OUR CHECKBOOK?
YEP. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MAX?
HMM? OH, YEAH, SURE.
HE DID IT.
WELL, I'M GOING TO GO CALL MY MOTHER RIGHT NOW
AND TELL HER TO TELL THAT CHIMP ACROSS THE STREET.
( monkey-like screeching)
OH, LOOK HOW LOW I'VE SUNK.
TAKING CREDIT FOR SOMETHING A SMART JEWISH PERSON DID.
-OH, THAT'S OKAY, PETER. -NO, NO, NO.
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THAT FOR TOO DAMN LONG.
IT IS THE WHITE DEVIL THAT HAS PROPOGATED, EXACERBATED,
INSTIGATED... INSTIGATED... LINE.
INSTIGATED OUR HATRED LIKE A BUICK.
WHAT WAS I THINKING WHEN I AGREED TO THIS?
THIS IS SO DEGRADING. IT'S... THIS IS... WORSE
THAN THE TIME I WAS AT THE FRIAR'S CLUB
AND SOON-YI'S RETAINER FELL OUT OF MY PANTS.
LOIS, I APPRECIATE THE MARSHMALLOW AND FISH CASSEROLE
BUT, I'M SORRY, I... I CAN'T EAT THIS.
OH, BECAUSE IT'S NOT KOSHER.
YEAH, LET'S GO WITH THAT.
CAN STEWIE AND ME BE EXCUSED?
HE'S GOING TO HELP ME WITH MY MATH HOMEWORK.
CHRIS, HE'S JUST A BABY.
OH, AND YOU'RE A REGULAR RHODES SCHOLAR?
WHERE WAS IT YOU GRADUATED FROM AGAIN? HMM?
THE UNIVERSITY OF DUH?
I CAN HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOMEWORK, SON.
OH, MY GOD, IS THERE NOTHING YOU PEOPLE CAN'T DO?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, OTHER THAN MANUAL LABOR?
PETER, WHAT A RIDICULOUS THING TO SAY.
THEY BUILT THE PYRAMIDS.
YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE PETER.
HE CAN BE A LITTLE TACTLESS SOMETIMES.
YES, LIKE THE TIME HE SOILED HIMSELF AT THAT DINNER PARTY?
I WAS SO SORRY TO HEAR THAT YOUR FATHER PASSED AWAY.
YES, IT SPREAD THROUGH HIS BODY SO FAST
BUT HE'S AT PEACE NOW, AND A WHOLE...
UH-OH.
AHH... WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
THAT WILL TOP A GREAT DINNER LIKE THAT.
OPERATION.
-MAY I PLAY? -MOM?
-MOM?
THANK YOU, BUT I CAN'T STAY.
IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'VE GOT TO GO TO TEMPLE.
TEMPLE? AH, LIKE INDIANA JONES?
WILL YOU JUST PICK IT UP ALREADY?
LOOK, THEY'D BETTER NOT
BE EXPECTING US TO GIVE MONEY
BECAUSE I ALREADY GAVE AT CHURCH LAST SUNDAY
AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT ALL GOES TO THE SAME GOD.
PETER! MAX, IT WAS NICE OF YOU TO INVITE US ALONG.
YOUR HUSBAND'S GOT A GOOD HEART, LOIS
BUT HIS VIEWS ON JUDAISM ARE A LITTLE MISGUIDED.
I'D CONSIDER IT A MITZVAH TO EDUCATE HIM A LITTLE.
NO, NO, NO. NO.
I DON'T THINK SO.
IT IS NOT THAT I HAVE IDEOLOGICAL DIFFERENCES.
I'M JUST NOT A HAT PERSON.
HEY, LOOK. I DIDN'T KNOW
THE PRINCIPAL OF MEG'S SCHOOL WAS JEWISH.
HEY, THERE'S BILLY NYE THE SCIENCE GUY, AND HALF
OF LENNY KRAVITZ.
OPTIMUS PRIME?
HE'S JEWISH?
AW, JEEZ, MAX, I...
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.
I WENT TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL.
I'M NOT SURE THIS IS ALLOWED.
AW, WHAT THE HELL.
OH, DEAR.
SISTER MARY JOSEPH, IT APPEARS
PETER GRIFFIN HAS ENTERED A SYNAGOGUE.
LOCK 'N' LOAD, BRIDES OF CHRIST.
( quacking )
EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT.
( quacking )
HELLO.
OH, WE'RE NOT JEWISH.
BUT I HEAR YOU PEOPLE HAVE SUCH LOVELY SERVICES.
OH, MY GOD, I DIDN'T MEAN "YOU PEOPLE."
I DIDN'T MEAN, "OH, MY GOD" EITHER.
I KNOW HE'S YOUR GOD, TOO.
I... SHH. SORRY.
AND ON THIS DAY, THE SABBATH WE GATHER HERE TO...
UH-OH!
THAT WAS SO NICE.
A GOOD SERMON
AND SUCH BEAUTIFUL SONGS.
YEAH, IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT OTHER JEWISH MUSICAL WE SAW.
( bouncy violin music )
A FIDDLER ON THE ROOF.
SOUNDS CRAZY, NO?
BUT HERE, IN OUR LITTLE VILLAGE OF ANATEVKA, YOU MIGHT SAY
EACH ONE OF US...
CARD!
WELL, THERE'S MY CAB.
IT WAS NICE MEETING ALL OF YOU.
AW, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, BUDDY.
WAIT, MR. WEINSTEIN.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO HELP ME
WITH MY HOMEWORK.
I'M SORRY, SON. I HAVE TO GO, BUT I'M...
I'M SURE YOU'LL DO JUST FINE.
I DON'T KNOW, MAX.
THE KID'S NOT EXACTLY AN HONOR-ROLL STUDENT.
WATCH.
HEY.
HE DID IT.
SEE?
PETER, YOU TOOK ME IN, FED ME DINNER
CAME TO TEMPLE WITH ME.
YOU'RE A NICE FAMILY.
I HAVE FAITH THAT CHRIS WILL GROW UP
TO BE A REAL MENSCH.
YOU... OW! OW! DAD! DAD!
LOIS, I JUST FIGURED OUT
HOW TO MAKE SURE CHRIS BECOMES A BIG SUCCESS.
PLEASE TELL ME THIS DOESN'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH TONY ROBBINS.
OH, NO. I LEARNED MY LESSON.
COULD YOU SIGN THIS BOOK, PLEASE?
TONY ROBBINS HUNGRY.
NO, LOIS, I'M GOING TO MAKE CHRIS JEWISH.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE THINKS IF CHRIS IS JEWISH, HE'LL BECOME SMART.
PETER, YOU CAN'T CONVERT SOMEONE
BECAUSE YOU THINK IT'LL HELP THEIR GRADES.
NOW, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THIS.
WHERE WE GOING?
SON, IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME AND MEG'S A GIRL
BUT FOR YOU, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE YOU TO THAT SYNAGOGUE
AND TURN YOU JEWISH.
OKAY!
CHRIS, DUCK.
( sighs )
MR. GRIFFIN, I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY EXACTLY DOES YOUR SON WANT TO JOIN THE JEWISH FAITH?
I DON'T KNOW. HE'S BI-CURIOUS.
I APPRECIATE YOUR INTEREST
BUT JUDAISM TAKES A SERIOUS COMMITMENT.
ELLIOT HERE
HAS SPENT YEARS PREPARING
FOR HIS BAR MITZVAH THIS SATURDAY.
A BAR MITZVAH. PERFECT.
HOW MUCH FOR ONE OF THOSE?
YOU CAN'T JUST BUY A BAR MITZVAH.
IT REQUIRES A LOT OF STUDY.
WELL, CAN'T WE SKIP THAT PART?
I MEAN, COME ON-- IF CHRIS KNEW HOW TO STUDY
HE WOULDN'T NEED TO BECOME JEWISH
IN THE FIRST PLACE, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
DON'T WORRY, DAD.
I DON'T NEED A BAR MITZVAH.
I'M OKAY JUST THE WAY I...
OW, OW, OW!
NOW, WE GOT NO TIME TO LOSE.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME PLACE IN AMERICA
WHERE YOU CAN TAKE A SOLEMN SPIRITUAL CEREMONY
THAT BEGINS A LIFETIME COMMITMENT
AND BLOW THROUGH IT IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES.
ALL RIGHT, DAD!
SO HOW DO I LOOK IN MY NEW GLASSES?
HOW SHALL I PUT THIS?
IN AN ATTIC SOMEWHERE, THERE'S A PORTRAIT OF YOU GETTING PRETTIER.
WOW. SOMEONE NEEDS A NAP.
AFTER LUNCH, IT'S STRAIGHT TO BED, STEWIE.
( groans ) THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME MY WIT HAS GONE UNAPPRECIATED.
AND IN THE COMEDY COMPETITION,
STEWIE GRIFFIN RECEIVES THREE AND A HALF STARS.
CHALLENGER SINBAD RECEIVES FOUR STARS.
WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION-- SINBAD!
STEWIE, ANY PARTING WORDS?
UM, YOU KNOW, I GOT BEAT, PURE AND SIMPLE.
YOU, YOU ARE A VERY FUNNY MAN.
MEN BE ACTING ALL LIKE ZOMBIES AT THE MALL.
GOD, AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH?
WHERE'S YOUR FATHER AND CHRIS?
IT'S NOT LIKE THEM TO BE LATE FOR LUNCH.
I THINK THEY LEFT A NOTE.
( snickering )
BRIAN, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?
NOTHING.
I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE LYING TO ME, BRIAN.
NO, NO, I SWEAR.
MEG, TAKE STEWIE UPSTAIRS.
WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT, EITHER.
LAST CHANCE, BRIAN.
( silent whistling )
( yelping )
( whining ): THEY'RE IN VEGAS
GETTING A QUICKIE BAR MITZVAH.
WHAT?!
WELL, HEL-LOIS.
FORGIVE ME FOR POINTING.
QUICK, I NEED TO BORROW YOUR CAR.
I'VE GOT A BAR MITZVAH TO STOP.
NO PROBLEM-- LET ME GRAB MY KEYS.
( applause and cheering )
AW, CHRIS, IN A FEW MINUTES
YOU'LL BECOME A SMART, SUCCESSFUL JEWISH MAN.
I COULD MAKE A FORESKIN JOKE RIGHT NOW
BUT THIS IS A SOLEMN OCCASION.
AND BESIDES, THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT
ON THE RIDE BACK.
AW, I GOT SO MANY OF 'EM, TOO.
I-I KNOW, I KNOW-- SHH, SHH, SHH! BUT LATER...
( reading in Hebrew )
CHRIS!
STOP THIS TRAVESTY RIGHT NOW!
SO, BAR MITZVAHS ARE TRAVESTIES, HUH?
NO, MY SON GETTING BAR MITZVAHED IS A TRAVESTY.
HE'S DOING IT FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.
WELL, LOOKIE HERE, HERSCHEL.
WE GOT US ONE OF THEM SELF-HATING JEWS.
NOTHING I HATE WORSE THAN A JEW
WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE HER OWN RICH HERITAGE.
COME ON, MORDECAI, LET'S GET HER!
( crowd clamoring )
I'M SORRY, LOIS.
I JUST WANTED OUR SON TO BE JEWISH SO HE'D BE SMARTER.
THEN MAYBE HIS WIFE WOULDN'T BE SORRY
SHE DIDN'T MARRY THE CHIMP NEXT DOOR.
OH, PETER...
JUST BECAUSE STEVEN MAKES MORE MONEY THAN YOU
DOESN'T MEAN HE'S ANY SMARTER.
AND I THINK CHRIS WILL DO JUST FINE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?
BECAUSE I HAVE FAITH IN HIM
THE WAY I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.
BESIDES, A PERSON'S RELIGION IS NO GUARANTEE OF SUCCESS.
I SEE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
THE JEWISH ARE JUST LIKE US.
NO BETTER, NO WORSE.
YEAH, AND AS THEY SAY: "ZO ZION, MIT GLICK."
WHAT?!
I THINK WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY IS
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY.
( slapping and yelping )