♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely?
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us
♪ Laugh and cry
♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS, DUDE.
DON'T PUT IT IN YOUR NOSE.
IT BURNS LIKE HELL.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.
AS PRESIDENT OF THE QUAHOG CHAMBER OF COMMERCE
I'D LIKE TO THANK THE SENIOR CENTER
FOR DECORATING OUR TREE.
(all cackling)
(bone cracks)
OOH, BROKE MY HIP.
LOOK, HONEY, THERE'S THE MANGER
FOR THE CHRISTMAS PAGEANT.
YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE THE CUTEST BABY JESUS EVER.
SO, YOU WANT TO DRESS ME UP
AND TROT ME ABOUT LIKE A CIRCUS POODLE, HMM?
WELL, LET ME CONSULT MY AGENT, MR. IRVING R. POINTY-STICK!
OH, STEWIE.
NO SWEETS BEFORE DINNER.
MOM, I'M FREEZING.
CAN WE GO HOME?
IN A MINUTE.
WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL TREE?
EVERY YEAR I LOOK UP AT THAT STAR
AND I THINK OF ALL THE JOY AND WONDER
THAT CHRISTMAS PROMISES.
AND THAT MIRACLE THAT OCCURRED
ON THAT SILENT WINTER'S NIGHT.
HEY, I'M ON VACATION!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!
♪ SEVEN MAIDS A-MILKIN'
♪ SIX MAIDS A-MILKIN'
♪ FIVE MAIDS A-MILK--
BRIAN, YOU'RE NOT WEARING
THE SWEATER I MADE YOU.
UH, WELL, IT'S A LITTLE WARM IN HERE.
"DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL."
DOESN'T GET MUCH GAYER THAN THIS.
PETER, TOMORROW'S CHRISTMAS EVE
AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN US A TREE.
LOIS, I TOLD YOU
I'M ON DIPS O' LUSCIOUS VACATION.
WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
COME ON, HONEY.
IT'S THE ONLY THING I'VE ASKED YOU TO DO.
PLEASE?
(whines)
BRIAN, TAPE THIS FOR ME.
SORRY, THE VCR HASN'T WORKED
SINCE YOU TRIED TO TAPE MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.
DO YOU HAVE THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF ABC SPORTS
AND THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE?
JUST ABC.
(guns cocking)
WELL, IF YOU GET US A TREE
I'LL MAKE SURE SANTA BRINGS YOU A NEW VCR.
PLEASE?
AH, CRAP.
HOW COME I... COMMERCIAL!
HEY, MOM, I GOT SOMETHING
TO ADD TO MY CHRISTMAS LIST.
A PAIR OF THOSE JEWELED BUG BARRETTES.
NOT COSTUME, REAL.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD WRITE THAT DOWN?
HONEY, SANTA GOT ALL HIS SHOPPING DONE BEFORE THE RUSH.
I THINK YOU'LL BE VERY HAPPY.
I JUST WANT PEACE ON EARTH.
THAT'S BETTER THAN BEING SELFISH LIKE MEG, RIGHT?
SO I SHOULD GET MORE THAN HER.
HERE'S A TREE-- MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL
AND TO ALL, SHUT THE HELL UP.
AH-AH-AH! BEFORE YOU SIT DOWN
WE'RE DUE AT JOE AND BONNIE'S FOR EGGNOG.
LOIS, CAN'T WE TELL THEM THAT YOUR MOTHER DIED?
PETER, I'M NOT GOING TO LIE
ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I'LL KILL YOUR MOTHER.
GOD, WHEN DID CHRISTMAS BECOME SO COMPLICATED?
SO, UH, YOU GUYS KNOW THAT RUDOLPH IS ON, RIGHT?
PETER!
THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY GINGERBREAD HOUSE, LOIS.
OH, YEAH, IT'S PERFECT
FOR ALL THE HAPPY, ACTIVE GINGERBREAD MEN...
EXCEPT FOR THE ONE
WITH NO LEGS!
LOOK AT THE PARENTS TELLING THEIR KIDS NOT TO STARE.
"HOW DOES HIS PEE-PEE WORK, MOMMY?"
WELL, I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, BECKY--
NOT SO WELL!
JOE, YOU PROMISED.
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
UH, JOE HAD HIS ACCIDENT AT CHRISTMASTIME.
(weak chuckle)
♪ DECK THE BALLS ON UNCLE CHARLIE... ♪
YES!
TIME TO GO A-WASSAILING.
HEY, PETER!
HI, I'M PRANCER.
HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE JOE ALONG?
YEAH, LOIS, THAT'LL BE ABOUT AS MUCH FUN
AS A LECTURE ON ONTOLOGICAL EMPIRICISM.
- WHAT? - WHAT?
HONEY, HE COULD USE SOME CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
FOR ME? PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
BUT YOU OWE ME.
LATER, UNDER THE MISTLETOE.
OPEN MOUTH, NO MATTER HOW DRUNK I AM.
PETER, THE GIFTS ARE HIDDEN IN THE TRUNK.
DON'T FORGET TO DROP OFF THE ONE FOR "TOYS FOR TODDLERS."
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SOMEBODY GIVE ME A BEER.
HEADS UP!
UH, PETER, ONE OF US HAS TO BE
THE DESIGNATED DRIVER
AND I'VE ALREADY HAD FOUR EGGNOGS
SO I GUESS YOU'RE IT.
(laughing): THAT'S A GOOD ONE, JOE.
WAY TO GET INTO THE SPIRIT.
I'M A COP FIRST AND A BUDDY SECOND
SO DON'T THINK I WOULDN'T THROW
YOUR DRUNK-DRIVING ASS IN THE SLAMMER!
(gulping)
ALL RIGHT! LET'S WASSAIL!
STEWIE, HONEY
TIME FOR BED.
YOU HAVE A BIG DAY TOMORROW, BABY JESUS.
TRUST ME, WOMAN, IF I COULD WALK ON WATER
I WOULD STROLL YOU OUT TO THE MIDDLE OF A LAKE
AND HOLD YOUR HEAD UNDER UNTIL THE BUBBLES STOPPED!
OOH, SOMEONE'S BEING NAUGHTY, NOT NICE.
YOU KNOW SANTA'S WATCHING YOU.
WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU MEAN, "WATCHING"?
WELL, HONEY, SANTA'S "MAKING A LIST
AND CHECKING IT TWICE."
"HE SEES YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING."
"AND HE KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE."
I ALMOST CAUGHT HIM LAST YEAR
BUT HE'S MAGIC.
CONSTANT SURVEILLANCE OF EVERY CHILD ON EARTH--
IMPOSSIBLE!
UNLESS...
HIDDEN CAMERAS.
OH, VERY CLEVER!
WATCHING TO SEE IF I'M NAUGHTY, ARE YOU?
THEN CHECK THIS TWICE!
♪ ROCK THE BOAT!
♪ DON'T ROCK THE BOAT, BABY
♪ ROCK THE BOAT!
♪ DON'T TIP THE BOAT OVER ♪
♪ ROCK THE BOAT!
♪ DON'T ROCK THE BOAT, BABY ♪
♪ ROCK THE BO-O-O-OAT!
ROCK ON!
HEY, HEY, GUYS, CHECK ME OUT.
WHOA!
(dog yelping)
(grunting with effort)
WH-WHOA!
(screams)
OH, NO!
I'VE BROKEN MY LEGS!
(laughing)
THAT'S ABOUT AS FUNNY AS SINBAD.
NOT THE COMEDIAN, HE'S HILARIOUS-- THE SAILOR.
BUT, THEN AGAIN, HE WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE FUNNY.
NOW, COME ON, I GOT TO GO
TO FREAKIN' "TOYS FOR TODDLERS."
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S GOT A "HUMBUG" UP HIS BUTT.
(laughing)
HEY, MAYBE WE SHOULD SET HIM UP
WITH ANOTHER LEMON SNOW CONE, EH?
OH, THANKS.
THE LAST ONE YOU GAVE ME
DIDN'T TASTE LIKE LEMON AT ALL.
IT TASTED LIKE...
OH, YOU GUYS ARE ASSES.
(laughing)
I KNEW YOU WERE AWAKE.
(gasps): YOU.
NOW, STEWIE, YOU ARE
IN MY POWER.
(screams)
NO, DAMN YOU!
DAMN YOU, LET ME GO!
(screams)
GOOD, MELVIN.
NICE WORK, WOODROW.
EXCELLENT, STEWIE.
(screams)
OH, IT'S JUST A DREAM.
I NEEDN'T FEAR THIS SANTA.
IF HE WERE TRULY OMNIPOTENT
HE'D HAVE THE TESTICULAR FORTITUDE TO SHOW HIMSELF!
SEE?
I'M JUST BARKING IN THE DARK.
NO ONE HERE BUT ME.
(humming nervously)
ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS IT?
WHERE'S THE WIRE?
SHOW YOURSELF, CLAUS!
Lois: STEWIE, GO TO SLEEP.
THIS DOESN'T INVOLVE YOU, LOIS!
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO COME IN THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO COME IN THERE!
SHH! DAD'S AWAKE.
DON'T BOTHER WHISPERING, I DON'T HAVE A HANGOVER.
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.
SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE YOUR SWEATER ON?
(groans)
THAT'S FOR LETTING JOE JOIN IN
YOUR REINDEER GAMES.
NOW, YOU GO RELAX
WHILE I MAKE MY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ANGEL
A BIG STACK OF PANCAKES.
IF I'M SLEEPING, STUFF THEM IN MY MOUTH AND RUB MY THROAT.
JUST ONE MORE THING--
LOIS!
I NEED YOU TO TAKE
THE PRESENTS OUT OF THE TRUNK.
AREN'T YOU GOING TO DO IT?
IT'S ALREADY DONE.
I DROPPED THEM ALL OFF
AT "TOYS FOR TODDLERS" LAST NIGHT.
ALL?
PETER, ONLY ONE GIFT WAS FOR CHARITY.
THE REST WERE FOR THE FAMILY.
NO, THE REST WERE FROM THE FAMILY.
WEREN'T... WEREN'T THEY?
AW, CRAP.
SINCE WHEN DID THEY CHANGE
THE MEANING OF "FOR" TO "FROM"?
I THINK THEY HAD A MEETING ABOUT IT LAST NIGHT.
WHY WASN'T I TOLD?
THEY SENT YOU A CARD
BUT IT SAID "FOR PETER" ON IT
SO YOU MUST'VE THOUGHT IT WAS "FROM" YOU
SO YOU DIDN'T, UH...
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST EASIER TO CALL YOU "STUPID."
YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO TAKE BACK
DONATED GIFTS ON CHRISTMAS EVE?
YEP. NOW, HERE'S THE PLAN--
YOU'LL ENTER THROUGH THE AIR CONDITIONING DUCT HERE.
NOW, THERE'LL BE AN INVISIBLE LASER GRID
THREE INCHES ABOVE THE FLOOR
SO YOU'LL HAVE TO COMPRESS YOUR BODY
TO THE SIZE OF AN ORDINARY HOUSEHOLD SPONGE
AND SLIDE UNDERNEATH
LIKE SOME KIND OF WEIRD, AMPHIBIOUS DOLPHIN.
CAN I BUY SOME POT FROM YOU?
WHAT YOU WANT?
(both gasping)
SO YOU UNDERSTAND ALL THESE GIFTS
ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR MY FAMILY.
IT WAS JUST SOME CRAZY MIX-UP.
(nervous laughter)
KILL 'EM.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S TRUE!
SEE, THAT REMOTE CONTROL CAR WAS FOR MY SON AND...
AND THOSE BARRETTES WERE FOR MY DAUGHTER
AND, UH... HEY, WHERE'S MY VCR?
DANG IT, BUCK, IT'S MY TURN TO USE THE SEX BOX.
IT'S MY SEX BOX...
AND HER NAME IS "SONY."
Lois: YOU GAVE AWAY
ALL THE PRESENTS?
LOIS, IF YOU STRIKE ME DOWN
I SHALL BECOME MORE POWERFUL
THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE.
PETER, YOU BROUGHT GLAD TIDINGS TO A FAMILY
LESS FORTUNATE THAN YOUR OWN.
YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT MAD?
WELL, I AM A LITTLE IRRITATED
THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL THE SHOPPING AGAIN
BUT AT LEAST SOME GOOD CAME OUT OF IT.
SO I CAN DRINK BEER AND WATCH TV?
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, KISS SAVES SANTA IS ON.
BUT, MRS. CLAUS, WHO WOULD KIDNAP SANTA?
WELL, ACE, THAT'S WHAT I WANT YOU BOYS TO FIND OUT.
SOMEONE STOLE SANTA?
THAT DOES NOT ROCK!
EASY, GENE.
GUYS, LET'S GO SAVE CHRISTMAS.
TO THE KISS COPTER!
- YAY! - YAY!
YOU CAN WATCH ALL THE TV YOU WANT...
JUST AS SOON AS WE GET BACK FROM THE MALL.
THE MALL?! ON CHRISTMAS EVE?!
PETER, I JUST WANT THIS FAMILY
TO HAVE A PERFECT CHRISTMAS
AND I NEED A LITTLE HELP, OKAY?
BRIAN, MY TURKEY'S IN THE OVEN.
CAN YOU TURN IT OFF AT 3:00?
NO PROBLEM.
WE'LL SHOP, COME HOME, EAT
AND THEN IT'S OFF TO THE PAGEANT
TO SEE OUR LITTLE STEWIE PLAY BABY JESUS.
OH, YES, YES, BY ALL MEANS TURN ME INTO A CHILD STAR.
PERHAPS I CAN MOVE TO "CALI-FORN-EYE-AY"
AND WRANGLE ME A THREE-WAY WITH THE OLSEN TWINS.
THERE'S A SPOT!
(engine revving)
AW, SCREW THIS.
(tires squealing)
OKAY, PETER, WE'LL EACH TAKE HALF THE LIST TO SAVE TIME.
KIDS, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE STEWIE TO SEE SANTA?
SANTA?
OH, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
SITTING ALONE IN THIS PUBLIC SETTING?
NO BULLETPROOF GLASS?
CLAUS, YOU MAKE IT TOO EASY.
CHANGE ME-- I'VE LEAKED THROUGH MY SKI PANTS
AND I WON'T FACE HIM WET!
We now return to Bob Hope's Christmas with the Troops.
Hey, it's good to see you Union boys.
I would've been here sooner
but Lincoln gave me the wrong Gettysburg Address.
And how about this having to sit still for 60 seconds
to have your picture taken?
How about that?
(troops laughing)
AW, SWEET!
IT'S KISS SAVES SANTA.
Hang on, Santa!
WE'RE COMING.
HURRY, BOYS!
THE EGGS ARE HATCHING!
WHAT DO WE DO?
WAIT A SECOND--
EVERYONE KNOWS PTERODACTYLS
CAN'T STAND THE SCREECH OF A GUITAR!
(electrified screeching)
IT'S WORKING!
HEY, SANTA, BE CAREFUL!
OH, NO! CAREFUL, SANTA!
HANG ON, SANTA!
HEY, I WAS WATCHING THAT! HEY!
IT'LL BE ON NEXT CHRISTMAS.
WELL, WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHEN THAT'S GOING TO BE?
(bell dings)
AH!
IF I WAS AN OVEN MITT...
(smoke alarm beeping)
DAMN IT, PETER!
HO, HO, HO.
AND WHAT CAN I BRING YOU, THIS YEAR?
OH, A PEACE OFFERING, IS IT?
VERY WELL.
WHAT SAY YOU TRIM THOSE GIN-SOAKED WHISKERS
AND BRING ME SOME PLUTONIUM?
WELL, CAN YOU BE A GOOD BOY?
HMM, YOUR INQUIRY INTRIGUES ME.
CAN ANY OF US BE A GOOD BOY?
ARE OUR PRIMAL URGES INNATE OR THE RESULT
OF THE CHOICES WE MAKE?
OKAY, WRAP IT UP, KID.
ALL RIGHT, KRINGLE.
IF THE REWARD IS PLUTONIUM
THEN YOUR WAGER IS ACCEPTED.
I WILL BE...
NICE.
GOOD BOY.
NOW, SMILE FOR THE CAMERA.
YES, YES, SMILE!
LIKE A GOOD BOY.
AH...
AHA!
MEG'S BARRETTES.
YOU MEAN JULIE'S BARRETTES!
YOU STILL WANT THEM, YOU BONY OLD BLUE HAIR?
OW, OW!
TITTY TWISTER!
OW, HURTS!
HEY!
AHA!
ALL THE CLOWN FISH
AND YELLOW TANGS IN THE WORLD
CAN'T HELP YOU NOW.
THAT'S IT?
FISH FOOD?
THAT'S YOUR ACE IN THE HOLE?
(laughs)
OW, OW... OW, OW, OW!
TURKEY!
(glass breaking)
OH, LOIS, IT WAS HORRIBLE.
THE FISH WERE JUMPING
ALL OVER MY EYES AND IN MY NOSE
AND ON THE WAY OUT, I THINK ONE OF THEM
MUTTERED SOMETHING ANTI-SEMITIC.
WE'RE ALMOST HOME, HONEY.
OH, LOOK!
THERE'S THE STAR ON THE TOWN CHRISTMAS TREE.
WE'RE FOLLOWING IT HOME.
JUST LIKE THE THREE WISE MEN.
SO, WHAT'D YOU GET HIM?
GOLD.
GOLD?
AH, I THOUGHT WE AGREED ON
A FIVE DOLLAR LIMIT, HERE.
YEAH, I JUST GOT HIM
A CRAPPY LITTLE BOTTLE OF MYRRH.
HELLO! FRANKINCENSE.
YOU ALWAYS DO THIS.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
LOOK, WE'LL PUT EVERYTHING TOGETHER
AND PUT ALL OUR NAMES ON IT.
NO!
THAT IS SO CHEAP.
(all talking at once)
(gasps)
(turkey sizzling)
OH, MY GOD.
BRIAN, ARE YOU OKAY?
I TOLD YOU
WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT COOKIES FOR SANTA.
(screams)
MY COUCH, MY TV!
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?
ME?
WHO THE HELL BUYS A NOVELTY FIRE EXTINGUISHER?
I'LL TELL YOU WHO.
SOMEONE WHO CARES ENOUGH ABOUT PHYSICAL COMEDY
TO PUT HIS WHOLE FAMILY AT SERIOUS RISK.
BOYS, PLEASE!
IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE.
THIS IS A NIGHT FOR MAGIC AND WONDER AND JOY.
OKAY, SO A COUPLE OF THINGS HAVE GONE WRONG
BUT WE CAN STILL HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS!
(sighs)
AH, JEEZ, KIDS.
I WAS THIS CLOSE TO LOSING IT
BUT YOUR MOM'S RIGHT.
WELL, SURE I AM.
MEG, HONEY, GET ME SOME PAPER TOWELS.
LET'S LOSE THE BAD TIDINGS
CLEAN UP THIS MESS AND FIND THAT HOLIDAY CHEER.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT, YEAH.
WE'RE OUT OF PAPER TOWELS.
NO... PAPER... TOWELS!
(screaming)
HEY, I WAS GOING TO PICK AT THAT.
SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH!
YOU ALL THINK CHRISTMAS JUST HAPPENS.
YOU THINK ALL THIS GOODWILL
JUST FALLS FROM THE FREAKIN' SKY!
WELL, IT DOESN'T!
IT FALLS OUT OF MY HOLLY JOLLY BUTT!
SO YOU CAN COOK YOUR OWN DAMN TURKEY
WRAP YOUR OWN DAMN PRESENTS
AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT
YOU CAN ALL RIDE A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH
TO HELL!
(screaming)
(panting and muttering)
OH, HERE'S THE PAPER TOWELS.
I-I-I CHANGED MY MIND.
CLARENCE, I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.
I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN.
WHOA!
(splash)
HEY!
I GUESS THERE'S SOME MAGIC IN THAT OLD SILK HAT.
(Lois growling)
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
(socks)
EASY, LADY!
YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?
(laughs and pants)
AH!
WHAT THE HELL IS HER PROBLEM?
FROSTY, LET IT GO!
JUST A SECOND, JUST A SECOND.
HEY, LADY, YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME?
YEAH, ALL HE DID
WAS WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
WISH?
IT'S EASY TO WISH
BUT DOES ANYONE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
AND MAKE IT HAPPEN?
NO!
YOU ALL EXPECT SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT FOR YOU.
LIKE SANTY CLAUS
OR MOMMY!
AH, AH, AH!
AH, TAKE IT OFF!
TAKE IT OFF!
MUST... KILL... STAR.
DAD, WHAT HAPPENED TO MOM?
WHAT IF SHE NEVER COMES BACK?
I-I-I THINK THE BIGGER QUESTION
IS IF THIS IS THE WAY SHE'S GOING TO ACT AT CHRISTMAS
DO WE EVEN WANT HER BACK?
ALL RIGHT, WHICH IS BETTER?
AROUND THE WAIST OR OFF THE SHOULDER?
WAIST? SHOULDER?
STEWIE, I THOUGHT
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE PAGEANT.
OH, MEGAN!
SANTA WOULD THINK IT TERRIBLY NAUGHTY OF ME
NOT TO FULFILL MY OBLIGATION TO MOTHER.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THE PAGEANT MEANS TO HER.
WHERE DO YOU THINK SHE IS?
WELL, THANK GOD
YEARS AGO I PLANTED A HOMING DEVICE
IN YOUR MOTHER'S SKULL FOR JUST SUCH AN OCCASION.
(computer beeping)
I FORGOT, I ALSO PUT THEM IN A BUNCH OF SQUIRRELS.
THIS ISN'T GOING TO DO US ANY GOOD.
MAY AS WELL SEE IF SHE'S AT THE PAGEANT.
YOU...
YOU LIED TO ME.
OH, MY GOD!
THERE'S MOM!
HI, LOIS!
HEY, DO WE LOOK LIKE ANTS DOWN HERE?
BITE ME!
(glass breaking)
PETER, GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT.
DON'T WORRY. WE'LL GET LOIS DOWN.
LOCKED AND LOADED, SIR.
WAIT!
YOU CAN'T SHOOT MY MOM.
DON'T WORRY, KID.
IT'S JUST A MILD SEDATIVE.
GO!
JOE, HANG ON.
LOOK, LOIS IS ONLY UP THERE
BECAUSE WE SUCKED THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
RIGHT OUT OF HER.
MAYBE IF SHE SEES THE PAGEANT
IT'LL BRING HER AROUND.
GIVE HER A CHANCE, HUH?
TRUST HIM, JOE.
THIS MAN HAS SEEN
EVERY CHRISTMAS SPECIAL EVER MADE.
ARE YOU WEARING A GIRL'S SWEATER?
DOES THAT REALLY MATTER RIGHT NOW?
YOU GOT TEN MINUTES.
LIGHTS, PLEASE.
AS WE ALL KNOW
CHRISTMAS IS THAT MYSTICAL TIME OF YEAR
WHEN THE GHOST OF JESUS RISES FROM THE GRAVE
TO FEED ON THE FLESH OF THE LIVING.
SO, WE ALL SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS TO LULL HIM BACK TO SLEEP.
OUTRAGEOUS!
HOW DARE HE SAY SUCH BLASPHEMY!
I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
BOB, THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
(sighs)
WELL, I... GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO
DEVELOP A SENSE OF HUMOR.
I AM THE VIRGIN MARY.
THAT'S MY STORY AND I'M STICKING TO IT.
OH, OUR SAVIOR HAS ARRIVED.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M PLAYING THE ROLE OF JESUS
A MAN ONCE PORTRAYED ON THE BIG SCREEN
BY JEFFREY HUNTER.
YOU MAY REMEMBER HIM AS THE ACTOR
WHO WAS REPLACED BY WILLIAM SHATNER
ON STAR TREK.
APPARENTLY, MR. HUNTER
WAS GOOD ENOUGH TO DIE FOR OUR SINS
BUT NOT QUITE UP TO THE TASK OF SEDUCING GREEN WOMEN.
ANYHOO...
THE PERENNIAL DICTUM IS
TO SPREAD GOODWILL TOWARDS ALL MEN.
THE IRONY, OF COURSE
IS THAT THIS IS CONTRARY TO OUR NATURE.
SO, WHY DO WE DO IT?
BECAUSE WE ARE BEING WATCHED.
AND SO...
WE UNSELFISHLY THINK OF OTHERS
ASSURED THAT OUR GOOD BEHAVIOR WILL BE REWARDED
WITH LOVE... AND PLUTONIUM.
YEAH, SHE'S NOT GETTING IT.
OKAY, BOYS, TAKE HER DOWN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUDDY.
HUH, WONDER WHAT THIS COULD BE.
OH.
THIS CHRISTMAS ROCKS!
MOM, STEWIE'S OPENING HIS GIFTS.
MOM?
AH, IT'S OKAY, MEG.
YOUR MOM'S JUST FULL OF CHRISTMAS CHEER
AND ENOUGH TRANQUILIZER TO BRING DOWN A BULL ELEPHANT.
UH, HONEY, YOU GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING
YOU GOT A LITTLE...
UH... I'LL GET IT.
HUNGRY, HUNGRY HIPPOS?!
KLAUS, YOU PORCINE DOUBLE-CROSSER.
AND TO THINK, I WAS NICE!
YOU GOT ANOTHER ONE, DUDE.
(gasps)
PLUTONIUM!
H-HE IS REAL.
HE'S REALLY, REALLY REAL!
SO, PETER DID YOU GET EVERYTHING
YOU WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS?
YOU BET! A WEEK'S VACATION, A NEW VCR
AND BEST OF ALL, MY OWN COPY OF KISS SAVES SANTA.
YOU JUST PRACTICE THAT GUITAR, SANTA.
NEXT TIME, WE'LL LET YOU DO A SOLO.
DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM!
(all laughing)
FROM ALL OF US AT FAMILY GUY
WE WISH YOU CHRISTMAS JOY
MAY ALL YOUR WISHES NOW COME TRUE
FOR EVERY GIRL AND BOY
WE HOPE YOUR FREAKIN' HOLIDAYS
ARE FILLED WITH FUN AND CHEER
SO HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND...
(mumbling)