I don't want to go on a rant here
but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense
as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton
at the First Battle of Antietam.
I mean, when a neoconservative defenestrates
it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxynate.
What the hell does "rant" mean?
♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪
♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪
♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪
Go, Dust Mites!
I wish they'd put Chris in already.
Peter, relax. It's his first game.
Griffin, get in there.
Oh, they're sending him in.
Yay, Chris!
Attaboy Chris!
Oh, yeah, that's my son out there.
I taught him how to wipe.
Why won't you teach me how to wipe, Dad?
Because you don't have a bottom, son.
Aw...
Yeah, man, you and that towel are representin'.
Yo, that sweat's just frontin', G.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Buddy Cianci Junior High Cheerleaders.
Is everybody pumped up?!
Yeah!
Give me a D-U-S-T!
D-U-S-T!
M-I-T-E-S!
What does that spell?!
Dust Mites!
Who's going to win this game?!
Dust Mites!
My God, what... what just happened to me?
It's those sirens.
They had us all completely under their spell
like that hypnotist at the airport Hilton.
And... three!
Wow. Were we just hypnotized?
That's incredible. I don't remember a thing.
Why do I taste crotch?
I must unlock the secret to their mind-control powers.
Lois, can we go now? I'm starving.
The game's almost over, Peter.
Try to think about something else.
Ah...
Peter!
Oh, sorry.
Hey nice job out there tonight, Chris.
You wiped the floor with that towel.
Yo, did y'all check me
when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid?
Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin'
but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank
and she's all about the bling-bling.
Peter, what's wrong?
He's speaking in tongues, Lois.
Our son is possessed.
Meg, start at Psalm 41
and don't stop reading till I tell you.
The power of Christ compels you.
( shrieking )
The power of Christ compels you.
( shrieking )
Peter, stop.
He's not possessed.
Yeah, he's just talking street.
Lots of kids do it.
Oh. Well, that's kind of weird.
Pete, that's just a phase.
You've gone through
a few yourself, you know.
Yeah, like those two weeks
you spent narrating your own life.
I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table.
I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal
Lois had placed in front of me.
Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was
with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew.
Lois had always been full of energy and life
but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging.
The bright, exuberant eyes
that I had fallen in love with
were now beginning to grow dull and listless
with the long fatigue of a weary life.
I awoke several hours later in a daze.
♪♪ I was brought up on the street, no moms and dads ♪♪
♪♪ I had to fend for myself with my own two hands ♪♪
♪♪ But today I'm hurtin' and I'll tell you why ♪♪
♪♪ I got a hangnail ♪♪ ♪♪ Hangnail! ♪♪
♪♪ Hanging from my cuticle, a hangnail ♪♪
♪♪ Hangnail! ♪♪
♪♪ It ain't beautiful ♪♪
♪♪ It hurts like a bitch ♪♪
♪♪ That I did last night ♪♪
Hey, Chris, whatcha doing?
Just layin' back in da cut
peepin' at this here homey.
Yo, Pops, me have some cheddar?
Some player haters
be throwin' salt in my game
grillin' me over my gear
and I needs to be mackin' style.
Well, uh...
the important thing is you tried, son.
There they are. Very well.
And now to infiltrate this coven
and learn their mind-control secrets
I just need to get their attention.
Okay, that was much better
but it still sucked worse than anything I've ever seen.
What's wrong with you guys?
Oh, look how cute he is.
He must be one of the teachers' babies.
Oh, he wants to be a cheerleader, too.
My, so it's that easy to win you over.
Oh, consider yourselves lucky
I'm not after your gully-holes.
And, and, and then Chris starts in
with all this "yo-yo-yo" stuff
and I-I don't know
what the hell he's talking about.
So I started beating him with a hose
then my arm got tired and so I came here.
Peter, perhaps Chris has adopted
another culture's mannerisms
because he doesn't know enough about his own.
Aw, gee, I never thought of that.
Hey, you know, I should teach Chris about his Irish roots.
Besides, we haven't spent any time together
since we played Operation.
I'm going for the funny bone, Dad.
Oh, you touched the sides.
Aw, geez, he's waking up.
Quick, let's get him back to the bus station.
Dad, I don't want to be here.
I want to be chillin' with my homeys.
Now, Chris, it's important
you learn about your Irish heritage.
( praying )
( crying )
( praying )
( crying )
Ancient archaeological evidence indicates
that Ireland was a much different place
before the discovery of alcohol.
Most experts believe it was something like this.
Gentlemen, today we, Ireland's top scientists
have found a way to convert
our entire population to pure energy.
Oh, it's a glorious day.
It's a glorious day.
Hey, Michael McLeod's just invented
a new kind of beverage in his basement.
Hmm. Whiskey.
( laughing, shrieking )
You were right, Dad. Being Irish rocks.
That's more like it, son.
Now, today we're going to learn
about the Griffin family history.
What's a library, Dad?
Oh, it's just a place where homeless people
come to shave and go B.M.
Let's go inside.
Look, Dad, I found this book on our genealogy.
Huh. Way to go, son.
Hey, look, here's a picture
of your great-great- granddad, Osias Griffin.
He owned one of the first dozen telephones.
( phone ringing )
Hello?
Hello, Jonathan?
No, what number are you calling?
Seven. Well, this is three.
Oh, sorry.
And his great-grandpa
was Thomas Griffin, a great philosopher.
Thomas, would you please
go look for a job.
Why?
Wow! That's cool.
Go back even further, Dad.
Okay, settle down, spaz.
"In 1840, Nathaniel 'Nate' Griffin used to groom horses."
What the hell...?
Holy crap, I'm black.
But I... I... I can't be black.
I got to say, Peter
the man in this book does look an awful lot like you.
The Diary of Nate Griffin.
"May 7, 1836.
"I was brushing down Lucy, the new colt
"when she let out a fart right near my face.
"So I took her head and stuck it by my butt
and blew a huge fart right back at her."
( laughing )
Oh, uh... that laugh's in here, too.
See? "Hehehehehehehe."
Wow. Then it's true.
Cool! I get to be black and Irish!
Yeah, and now I can wear clothes
that actually show off my big butt!
Oh, I got to tell Bonnie
I'm sleeping with a black man!
Oh, my God! Update! Exclaim!
Scott Martin just asked me out again.
Oh, my God, this is date number three!
Are you going to let him get to second base?
I think that would be a bad idea
and I know something about bad ideas.
I'm... I'm telling you, Juice
she's screwing around behind your back.
And, if I were in your Bruno Maglis
I wouldn't stand for it.
Another mai tai.
Thanks.
So, listen...
Here comes Scott.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
( laughing )
Have yet to discover the secret of their mind-control powers.
Also, trying to comprehend their obsession
with the homosexuals from 'N Sync.
Hey, uh, Cleveland, you got a minute?
I really need to talk to you.
Sure, I was just going for a ride.
Hop on.
So, I found out I have a black ancestor.
Is that right?
Well, that's fantastic, Peter.
Yeah, but see, the problem is
I, I, I got no idea how to be black.
Except for not smiling when I get my picture taken.
Well, Peter, it sounds like
you should go out and commingle
amongst your newly found brethren.
You know, absorb the culture.
Wheelie time!
Yee-haw! Aah!
You know, you're right, Cleveland.
I should be hanging around more black people like myself.
Thanks.
( motorcycle idling loudly)
Hey, Peter, what the...
It's the vibration.
Who here used to wear a lot of Jherri Curl?
Yeah, that's right.
Y'all know that Exxon Valdez thing?
That ain't how it happened.
Some brother just fell in the ocean.
( laughing )
Oh, God, I remember that.
And all those seals died.
It was... it was all over the news.
The Channel 2 News with Dan Rather.
Although I think Connie Chung
might have been substituting for him that night.
Well, about time for me to be hitting the old dusty trail.
I like your hat.
Can't get out that way.
( alarm blaring )
Oh, found the emergency exit.
And 1967 was the same year
that Thurgood Marshall was named to the Supreme Court
of the United States.
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!
Well, I should probably be saddling up now.
( alarm blaring )
Oh, found the fire door.
Ugh, look at how fat you are.
You disgust me.
Oink-oink, fatty.
Oh, yes, you'll take butter on that English muffin, won't you
because you're the cheerleading squad's token blimp.
You don't deserve to eat.
( retches )
Hey, thanks for bringing me here, Cleveland.
Welcome. For our first order of business
I believe Brother Cleveland has an announcement.
Yesterday I received reparations
from the family that enslaved my ancestors.
Amen! ( applause )
Now the family has become poor white trash since then
so they only gave what they could--
this tray of scrumptious Rice Krispie treats.
I share them with all of you in the hopes
that one day your wounds may be healed as well.
-Amen! -Right on, man, right on.
Hey, why is he taking one?
Oh, this is my friend Peter Griffin.
He recently discovered he was black.
He doesn't look very black to me.
Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen
gentlemen, please.
Please, judge me not by the color of my skin
for I have always been there with you.
( murmuring dissent )
I was there when George and Weezie
moved on up to the East Side.
Sing it! Movin' on up.
Now you talking history.
Hallelujah, those were happy times.
Yes, but, but I was also there for the bad times.
Yes, he was. Uh-huh.
When Florida lost James to that tragic auto accident.
Now you talking real.
And I was there when Tootie got those terribly painful braces.
Oh, yeah, that hurt.
Oh, yes, and when Arnold Jackson got beat up by the Gooch
I was there.
So before you decide that I don't belong here
remember this--
I was there!
( cheering )
Way to go, Peter.
You tell it like it is.
Now, Chris, this one's for you:
What's the secret to happiness?
Money.
Very good.
Babs, give him a caramel.
Hey-hey-hey.
Hey, Lois, what are your parents doing here?
Oh, they surprised us with a visit
after I told them about your recent discovery.
Yes, Peter, we hear you're a Negro now.
Yep, I even got my own posse.
Hey, uh, Big Dog, T-Bone, Shades
you guys go make yourself some sandwiches.
We'll hook up later.
My jacket's in the kitchen. Please don't write on it.
Well, I think Chris and Meg should know
the Pewterschmidt side of their ancestry, too.
Kids, did you know the Pewterschmidts
were among the first to colonize America?
Now, kids, don't be taken in by the Man.
Stay black and proud.
Here's your ancestor
Silas Pewterschmidt
bartering with some local Indians.
-Cool. -And here's a picture of...
Oh, uh, never mind that one.
Wait, wait, wait, what was that?
Oh, that was nothing.
Just some fellow we fed and took care of
in exchange for doing a few chores.
You mean a slave. Let me see that.
Oh, my God.
It's Nate Griffin.
Well, 'bout time for me to be hitting the old dusty trail.
Lois, your family owned my family.
Daddy, is that true?
Well, it appears so.
Boy, this is pretty embarrassing.
Yes, it is. And don't call me "boy!"
Peter, please, calm down.
Babs, I think it's time we went to bed.
Things will look better in the morning.
Come here, kids. Give Grandma and Grandpa a kiss good night.
Whoa!
Ah!
You can whip me all you like, white devil
but you'll never break my spirit.
Damn. There must be some clue to the source
of their mental manipulation techniques.
"Your Body and You."
"Every four weeks for three to four days
it's entirely normal for every young woman to..."
Oh, my God! Oh!
That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life!
Oh!
( girls talking )
That totally sucked.
You guys call yourselves cheerleaders.
Well, I call you cheerlosers!
This Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group.
And what happened with the pyramid?
I almost broke my neck.
( gasps ): The pyramid!
Of course.
That must be the key to their power.
Mission objective: eliminate Cindi
and take her place at the top of the pyramid.
( gasps ): They're getting nude.
I mustn't watch. It's not the proper thing to...
Whoa! I say, nice ones, Janine.
And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory.
Oh, Heavens, it appears that my wee-wee
has been stricken with rigor mortis.
Good morning.
Peter, what on earth are you wearing?
It's a dashiki.
And don't call me Peter.
That's my slave name.
From now on, call me Kichwa-Tembo.
Cool. And I'll be Mambutu O'Malley.
Peter... Kichwa.
I'd like to have a word with you.
Peter, I think...
Kichwa!
( sighs ): Kichwa, we're both sensible men.
There must be something I can do to make things right with you.
Actually, there is.
I want reparations
just like Cleveland got.
What the hell are you talking about?
I want an apology and some Rice Krispie treats.
Well, I absolutely will not give you an apology.
And I'm assuming "Rice Krispie treats"
is black slang for money, so here's $10,000.
And I expect you never to mention
this ugly business again.
$10,000?
Not enough? Fine, make it 20.
How do you spell "Kichwa"?
You know what, screw the Kichwa.
Make it out to Peter. P-E-T-E...
This just in: Slave owner descendant Carter Pewterschmidt
has paid $20,000 or two million pennies
in reparations to a local black man.
We now go live to the local black man.
Well, the money helps, but I'll always feel my ancestors' pain.
( laughs ): Hey, from down there does it look like
I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises?
Hey, Lois, come in here
and see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
( gasps ): Oh, my God.
You turned the den into Pee Wee's Playhouse?
♪♪ Come on, get up ♪♪
♪♪ Knock off your napping ♪♪
♪♪ It's a crazy messed-up place where anything can happen ♪♪
♪♪ There's a chair that freakin' talks, hey look! ♪♪
♪♪ There's some fish that give advice, holy crap! ♪♪
♪♪ It's screwy in Peter's Playhouse ♪♪
-Peter... -Wait, wait, wait. Watch this.
Hey, Jambi!
Okay, say it.
Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hiney...
God, I hate you so much.
Peter, that reparation money
should be going to a worthy black charity.
Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in five minutes
and I will not have you embarrass me.
You're acting ridiculous.
( yelling ): Aggh!
You said the secret word!
( siren blares )
Uh-oh.
Hey, you're that black guy
I saw on the news conference, ain't ya?
Uh, yeah, that's me.
This is car 15, I'm going to need backup.
I've got a stolen vehicle here.
-But this is my car... -Suspect's getting belligerent.
What? Officer down.
So it's agreed.
We'll keep on pretending to like pigs' feet
simply to confound the white man.
Oh, sorry I'm late, you guys.
The white man was making me his bitch.
What? Oh, sorry. His be-yatch.
Peter, we know about your selfish squandering
of your reparation money.
I shared mine.
You, however, have given nothing back to the community.
Uh, that's not true.
I've brought you the greatest gift of all:
a child's laughter.
( high-pitched giggle )
Peter, I think you should go.
Yeah, I'm gone.
Hi, guys.
Uh, hey, how's it going?
Geez, Lois, no one wants to sit with me.
It's like I'm a freakin' leper.
Hey, can we sit there?
No, these are saved.
Where is Cindi?
I don't know, but she better show up soon.
It's almost half-time.
You know, Cindi, I'd feel worse about this
if you didn't spell your name
with that insufferable "I" at the end.
Oh, and that cockadoody smiley face you use to dot it.
You sicken me!
I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not going to hurt you.
Ah!
Hello, Peter.
Nate Griffin.
Oh, my God, you're haunting me
because I've been a terrible black man.
Peter, you got to stop
putting so much importance on race.
I know I didn't.
-You didn't? -No.
If I had, do you think I would've slept
with your white great-great- great-great granny?
I guess not.
That's right. And I wouldn't have slept
with her fine sister neither.
You see, Peter, the most important thing
is how a man acts.
You know what I'm getting at?
You think I should do something good
with that reparation money, don't you?
That'd be mighty fine, Peter.
Eh, I guess you're right.
Listen, for what it's worth
I'm real sorry my wife's ancestors
made you suffer so much.
Oh, don't worry about me.
If it makes you feel any better
I peed in their cereal every morning.
Hehehehehe! Hehehehehe!
Well, so long, Peter.
Wait, wait, wait. Before you go...
what's heaven like?
Oh, it's fine.
There's a shortage of chairs.
Oh.
Yeah.
Take it easy, Peter.
Okay, look, we're just going to have to go on without her.
( up-tempo music starts )
Give me a "D"! "D"!
That's enough of that. There's a large hunting knife
under each one of your seats.
Oh, my command, I want you to... Aah!
Ah! You idiots, I had them!
Oh, Cindi was right. We need a lot more work.
Uh, excuse me.
Yeah, uh, hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
Listen, uh, as many of you may know
I recently came into some money.
Well, I don't really deserve it.
So I've decided to share it with my brothers.
Uh, actually, I just meant the black guys. Uh.
Peter, that was very generous.
And look how happy you've made everyone.
Yeah, it just goes to show you, Lois.
It doesn't matter if you're black or white
the only color that really matters is green.
Oh, Peter.
I wonder what happened to Cindi.
Dear diary...
jackpot.
( rap version of theme song plays )