♪♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪
♪♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪♪
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
♪♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪♪ Laugh and cry! ♪♪
♪♪ He's a family guy! ♪♪
Oh, let's see. We've got soda, purple stuff...
Oh! Sunny D! All right!
TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Smurfs.
-Hey. You have a good time last night? -Smurftacular!
Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Oh, man. As soon as we got out of the bar she startedsmurfin' me.
-Shut the smurf up! -Yeah!
Right in the smurfin' parking lot?
-Smurf, yeah! -That is freakin' smurf!
-You smurf it. Yeah. -That is freakin' smurf.
-(phone ringing) -Hello?
(gasps) Oh, my God!
Peter, why are you staring into the dryer?
I'm watching the latest episode of Laundry Theatre.
See, now. Those are Chris's socks, right?
Now, they don't know that Stewie's shirt
is having an affair with Meg's trousers.
Ooh, it's fun to watch rich people be naughty!
Peter, listen to me. My sister just called.
Her baby's due any day now and Ted just walked out on her.
Whoa, back it up, back it up, you have a sister?
I promised her I'd be on the next train.
Poor Carol, all alone in that big house.
Wait a minute, Carol. Carol...
Uh, she the one with the jacuzzi and the pool table?
-Yeah. -I better with you.
Really? That's a surprise.
Oh, come on, Lois. When have I not been there for you?
(car tires screeching)
-Get outta the car, now! -Scream and you're dead.
Thanks for the ride, lady.
Hey, it's the Griffins. What can I do for you?
Glen, we have a family emergency.
We really need you to take the kids for just a couple of days.
Uh, in accordance with Megan's Law, I'm obligated to inform you that...
You know what, that's fine. I'll take the kids.
Aww, thanks, buddy.
Gosh, I never entertained kids before.
So a chick walks into a gynecologist's office...
Wha-ha-ha-ha-hey!
Diggly, diggly, diggly, diggly!
Don't worry, Carol, we'll get you through this.
In a few days you'll have a beautiful baby
and you can smother it with all your unrequited love.
And as soon as the baby can crawl, it'll probably leave me too,
(cries) just like my eight husbands.
PETER: (imitating Ted) Hey, Carol. It's me, Ted.
Listen, uh, I came back because I love you and...
I'm just kidding. It's me, Peter.
Aww, it was so nice of you to come, Peter.
You're so considerate.
-Ah, it was nothing. -(glass shatters)
(glass shatters)
(furniture dragging)
Mr. Quagmire, I finished the scavenger hunt.
Well, hold your horses, hold your horses. Let's go down the list.
-Uh, an unsharpened pencil? -Check.
A speed-limit sign that doesn't end in five or zero?
-Check! -Your mom's hairbrush?
-Check! -You win!
Oh, boy! What's my prize?
- A pencil and a speed sign. - I did it!
I'll be right back.
A couple of teeth and some toenail clippings,
and we'll be ready for our date.
PETER: Um, hey, Carol, since Ted dumped you, can I have his shirts?
Peter, what are you gonna do with Ted's shirts? He's half your size.
I know, I know, but check this out.
Hey, Carol, say "David Banner, I just slashed your tires. "
-David Banner, I just slashed your tires. -Aaagh!
I'm priceless!
Peter, sit with Carol. I'm gonna use the ladies room.
Does she still take the newspaper in there?
Ugh, yeah.
And after she does, I just can't read it.
Oh! Oh, God! The baby's gonna be here any minute. We'd better get moving.
Carol. you gotta relax.
You let that kid start calling the shots now and you're screwed.
Is Mr. Quagmire baby-sitting all these people, too?
Hey. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
You must be a parking ticket, cos you got "fine" written all over you.
Hey, there. I don't wanna come between you... or do I?
That's awful. That's awful.
Um, this is a song I've been singing for a number of years,
and I find it grows truer and truer as time goes by.
♪♪ Hungry eyes ♪♪
♪♪ I feel the magic Between You and I ♪♪
Ooh, I'm hungry for you, baby.
Come on, walk with me, talk with me.
(gasps)
Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there.
Peter, why are we stopped?
Um, yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers.
Peter, for God's sake, she's having a baby!
Oh, that's right. And a kid's meal. And, uh, I guess I'll have fries.
I... If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any?
'Cause you know, I don't wanna be the only one eating 'em.
I'll feel like a fatty.
-Nurse, this woman is in labor. -Excuse me. I was here first.
My leg is asleep.
Oh!
All right, let's see what we have here.
Oh, the baby's crowning.
Oh!
All right, I'm just going to put on a pair of gloves
and we'll deliver this baby.
These don't feel like gloves at all.
They feel like used needles.
But this is where I always keep the gloves.
Uh, maybe if I dig deeper.
No, just feels like more needles.
That's the craziest thing.
Oh. Now I'm sure this isn't the glove drawer.
Oh, my God! Who's gonna deliver my baby?
Honey, do something!
No baby, but it looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
-Peter, that's the head. Push! Push! -I am! It won't go back in.
Not you, Peter. Carol, push. Peter, you pull.
Aagh!
-Oh, my God! -What? What?
It's a beautiful baby girl.
-A baby girl. I'm so happy! -(baby crying)
But she has a penis. We'll have to do something about that.
-Peter, no! It's a boy. -Well, how do you like that!
Hey there, little fella. Welcome to the planet Earth!
Coochie, coochie, coochie-coo!
Hey, he takes after his Uncle Peter.
Peter, he's Carol's baby. Give him to her.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Honey, you were fantastic.
And you were so cute when you were holding it.
I know. I didn't wanna give it up.
-Yeah? -Let's steal it.
-What? -No, wait. I got a better idea.
-Lois, let's have another baby. -What?
-Sweetie, you're not serious? -I sure am.
The best thing I've ever done with my life is being a dad.
Oh, Peter, I think it's a wonderful idea.
Why haven't you sent for help? (thuds)
I can't believe you guys wanna have another kid.
Peter, did you find Chris and Meg's baby books?
No, not yet. Hey, look at this, Lois. It's our pet rock.
Ah, I remember the first day we brought it home.
See that? Huh? Huh?
Bad rock! Bad!
We do that outside.
Look at him. He knows what he did.
I found my baby book!
Hey, here's the broken condom that led to my birth.
And the resulting lawsuit bought us this house.
You're my favorite mistake.
You see, Meg? I'm the favorite.
Ah, baby books.
Nostalgic for the days of chafed nipples and episiotomies?
-Oh, somebody hasn't heard the news. -News? What news?
What's the most wonderful thing that could happen to this family?
Hmm.
Oh, the Phillies won.
-You're gonna have a baby brother, buddy. -Or a sister.
Oh, a new baby. That's wonderful.
Call me when Kojak starts.
What?
Another baby? But I'm the baby.
Why the deuce would they want to replace me?
My cheeks are pinchable, my bottom is smooth,
my laugh is heart-warming.
What's that? I certainly am not overreacting.
What the devil do you think happened to Bobby
when they added Cousin Oliver to The Brady Bunch?
Oliver, did you break this vase?
-No, the floor did. -(all laughing)
He's so cute.
-Hey, everybody! I... -Bobby, you get back in the garage!
Ow! Ow! Ah! Ow!
It can't happen. I was here first.
Well, technically third, but no time for semantics.
This is Stewie country, and I intend to keep it that way.
As God is my witness, from this day forward,
Peter and Lois shall not conceive.
(menacing music)
(gasps)
What are you doing here?
Uh, Peter and Lois are, uh, getting intimate.
My God, I thought I had more time. I've got to stop them.
Whaaa! Whaaa!
Mommy, Daddy, I had a bad dream!
I saw the bo...
Blast! What the devil is that name again? Bo... Bo... Bogeyman! Yes, that's it!
-I saw the bogeyman. -Aww. Did someone have a bad dream?
Why don't you sleep with Mommy and Daddy?
Peter, for God's sake. Stewie's right here.
Come on, Lois. We can still do it. He'll just think I'm hurtin' ya.
Relax, honey. It's only for tonight.
(clicks switch)
(snoring)
Roll over. Roll over, I say!
(Stewie grunts)
STEWIE: Smells like cheese.
-Okay, insert rod support A into slot B. -That's what...
If you say "That's what she said" once more, I'll pop you.
What you buildin', neighbour?
Well, we were keeping it a secret, but you guys are my best friends,
so I'll tell ya. Lois and I are having another baby!
(all whooping)
We are so throwing you a shower.
Well, fat man, we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations
when she finds lipstick on your collar.
There we are.
Well, look at you there.
You're a filthy girl, aren't you?
Yes, yes, you're looking for a bad time, that's what you're after.
You're a dirty flirt.
You want it bad and you don't care who you get it from,
because you have no self-respect, and that gets you off, doesn't it?
Stewie! Bad boy! That's Mommy's make-up.
And you got it all over your father's favorite shirt. Now, go to your room.
Wow. The evidence is really piling up.
Make any joke you want. You know I look good.
Oh, my God! They're at it again.
Ah, all this time spent keeping people from having sex!
Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. Ba-zing!
Time to initiate phase two.
All right, testing voice modulator. Blast, you vile woman!
-Blast, you vile woman. -Ugh, that won't do.
Pardon me, you with severe aesthetic deficiencies.
-Hey, ugly! -Excellent. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Sweet. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Who's got beer?
(gags)
(Peter thuds)
-Where'd you go, my little pumpkin-eater? -To the can. Kissing you made me barf.
- What? - Dad, Meg keeps pushing me.
-Oh, like I could! He's so fat. -I'm not fat. I'm Rubenesque.
That's it. Your dad's had enough.
I want you kids to go and drink the antifreeze in the garage.
I'm gonna chug it all so there's none left for you.
Watch it!
-(glass shatters) -Peter!
What?
Hey, Peter.
I see nussing. Nussing.
I've had it with these interruptions. All we want is time alone.
Now, you kids go to your rooms for the rest of the night.
I don't wanna go to my room. There's an evil monkey in my closet.
Evil monkey! That's funny.
Argh!
This romantic dinner was a wonderful idea, Peter.
Aww, you deserve it, my beautiful princess.
You know, I'm not wearing any panties.
Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.
(both kissing)
Very well, then. If I can't stop them from the outside,
I'll stop them from the inside.
(dramatic music)
(buzzing)
Oh, dear. I'm afraid you're in a no-fly zone.
(beeping)
As was your fate, Mr. Fly, so is the fate of every sperm
in Peter's body.
STEWIE: Argh!
Computer on.
COMPUTER: 30 minutes before ship re-expansion.
Uh, just enough time to obliterate all those little potential usurpers.
-Engine status? -COMPUTER: Nominal.
-Fuel supply? -COMPUTER: Full.
Air supply.
♪♪ Lost in love and I don't know much ♪
Very well. Through the lips, over the gums.
Look out, testicles, here I come!
♪♪ Lois ♪♪
♪♪ You can't spell "love" without L-O ♪
♪♪ You can't spell "is" without I-S ♪♪
♪♪ You can't spell "silo" without Lois ♪♪
And solo from the pet rock.
No! No! No! No!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
COMPUTER: Warning. Host's oxygen levels rising. Heart rate increasing.
My God. Either they're watching Batman or they're doing the do.
Hmm. If I'm to reach the testicles and destroy the sperm before coitus,
I must buy some time.
-Computer, location. -COMPUTER: 15mm northeast of the duodenum.
Very well. Fire phasers!
Oh, jeez! My duodenum's acting up.
COMPUTER: Entering testicular perimeter.
Well, well. Do you know what today is?
A bad day to be a sperm.
(firing)
(grunts) What the deuce?
-Well, it seems you're out of ammunition. -As are you, Stewart.
-(gasps) You know my name. -I know many things.
- Indeed. Yes. - Quite.
-Hmm. -Then, perhaps, we should exchange
monosyllabic expressions of arrogance in person.
-Hm. Yes. -Mm.
-Peter, I'm waiting. -PETER: I'm comin'.
(South American dance music playing)
-You came unarmed? -As we agreed.
Admirable. But foolish!
(firing)
It's going to be a shame to destroy such a worthy adversary.
My thoughts exactly.
(both grunting)
-I've got you in the sleeper hold. -As I you. (grunts)
Your attempts to escape are...
Futile.
(both snoring)
Well, well. Nap time appears to be over.
Go ahead. Finish me off.
My one regret is that I won't be able to do away
with that red-headed woman.
What the...? How the devil do you know about Lois?
You've seen that little gleam in the fat man's eye? That twinkle?
That's me, plotting my escape.
You hate Lois? I hate Lois, too. What else do you hate?
People who send pictures of their families as Christmas cards.
Ooh, ohh. People who use the word "guestimate".
Guys who wear sandals with socks.
BOTH: Jason Patric. Ew!
You know, perhaps I've been looking at this the wrong way.
I dare say, I should embrace the idea of having a little brother.
After all, it's obvious we'd make quite a formidable team.
LOIS: Ah!
(both laughing)
(ice shatters)
(both laughing)
-STEWIE: (gasps) -COMPUTER: Two minutes to re-expansion.
-(beeping) -Dear God.
I'll never get out of here in time.
Move aside. I know a short cut.
Mm.
(gags, coughs)
COMPUTER: Re-expansion in 60 seconds.
There's the tear duct. We've gotta make him cry.
I think I know just the way.
All right. Follow my lead.
♪♪ Love lift us up Where we belong ♪♪
♪♪ Where the eagles fly ♪♪
♪♪ On a mountain high ♪♪
♪♪ Love lift us up Where we belong ♪♪
Oh, Peter. I love you.
And I love you, Lou Gossett Junior.
It worked. You've got to get down there so you can be born.
COMPUTER: 10 seconds to re-expansion.
-I guess this is goodbye. -For now.
When you're born, don't let the doctor slap you on the ass. It degrades us all.
(honks)
Give it to her good, old man.
Peter, wait. I've been thinking.
It's been a long time since we had such a wonderful night.
And it's gonna be impossible to spend time together like this
if we're raising another child.
Well, I thought, you know, Brian would do a lot of the work.
I don't know. I mean, Stewie alone needs so much attention.
Maybe we should hold off on having another baby.
-(gasps) -Yeah, you may be right.
No, no, no! You must receive his seed!
-Look who's here! -But, Lois, we still get to do it, right?
-Honey, not in front of Stewie. -Okay. Back in a minute.
No, no, no! Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and do her!
Stop! Stop it! Stop tickling me! Stop it!
I'll kill you, I swear to God!
Wha... Wha... What did you just do?
-(sighs) -No!
You killed my brother! How could you, you...
Oh, my God! The twinkle. He's alive.
Well played, sperm brother. Well played.
He's more clever than I thought.
Perhaps too clever.
(theme music playing)