LOIS: [Singing] "It seems today that all you see
"is violence in movies and sex on TV
"But where are those good, old-fashioned values
"on which we used to rely?
"Lucky there's a family guy
"Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you
"all the things that make us
"laugh 'n' cry
"He's a family guy"
Hey, guys! Check it out. Quagmire's trying to get lucky.
Hey, gorgeous! You want to come home with me?
I'm with my husband!
Lose the zero, get with the hero.
Little violent for you, don't you think?
I'll be right over there.
TOM: We interrupt with this news.
After years of isolation, mysterious andeccentric brewmeister...
...Pawtucket Pat, announced he's opening his never-before-seen brewery...
...to a lucky few.
Pawtucket Pat has placed four silver scrolls in four random beers.
Each lucky scroll-winner and a guest
of their choice will take a magical tour...
...of the brewery and walk away with a lifetime supply of beer.
What? Don't complain. This is actually making you look attractive.
Man! Did you guys hear that?
Imagine seeing the inside of the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.
Forget it. You have no chance.
Yeah. You never win anything. Remember when you went on Password?
HOST: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
ANNOUNCER: The password is "flaming."
You....
Actor.
You....
Tony?
You....
[Piano being played badly]
Very good, Jonas. Oh, my! Look at the time.
Mrs. Griffin, I practiced just like you said.
Far be it from me to call you a liar.
Nothing. See you next week.
Mom, how come all your students suck?
I don't know, honey.
All I want is one pupil who's good enough to win the piano competition.
I'm sick of coming in second to that awful Alexis Radcliffe.
Every year, she wins and rubs it in my face.
Don't worry, sweetheart. There's always next year.
Congratulations on second place, Lois.
Lois, thank God it's you! The last three houses I went to were very rude.
Have you been drinking?
Why, yes. Thank you. I got to find one of those silver scrolls.
Everyone's looking for them.
All right. Listen to me, you long-neck bastard!
You give me the scroll and I make you Head
of Sanitation Services for the entire city.
It's a do-nothing job, sweetcake.
DEATH: Two more dead from alcohol poisoning. Looking for that scroll, huh?
Wouldn't mind finding that thing myself.
DEATH: Oh, jeez.
Oh, man.
I hope I don't get pulled over. Okay, be cool. Maintain.
DEATH: Come on, Death. You can do this.
Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery?
Lois, everyone has their sanctuary.
The Catholics have churches. Fat people have Wisconsin.
And I have the Pawtucket Brewery.
-Now, help me drink these beers. -Peter, I'm not drinking this.
Okay. All right. Lois, I'm gonna go to the store now.
Okay? Here I go.
Stop it! What if the kids were to see you drinking like this?
Especially Stewie. He's so impressionable.
Oh, my God! Please tell me we didn't do it.
BRIAN: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! PETER: Nothing!
Peter, it's 7:00 in the morning!
Thanks for the update, Big Ben!
You're drunk again!
No, I'm exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
Listen, Peter, if you keep this up, something terrible's gonna happen.
Something terrible all the way to the bank!
Nice.
I don't have time for this. I'm late for my checkup.
[Raucous screaming]
Yeah! All right!
What's going on?
It seems Joe has found the first scroll.
He's tasting victory. I bet it tastes good...
...like saltwater taffy or a Chunky.
Oh, no! If there's four tickets and one of them's gone...
...that leaves...
[Cheerful instrumental music]
...this many.
Good morning, Mrs. Griffin. Hello.
Just kidding. So, any problems?
No. Everything's fine, Doctor.
-Lois? -Hello, Alexis.
Heard you might not enter the competition this year. Smart move.
Yes. There are more important things in life than a piano competition.
Yes. Especially for those who have no.... That's cold! Chance.
For your information, I have a student that could whip you.
I guess I'll see you there. Fred, this is not a date!
FRED: All right, you're all done, Alexis.
What do you know? Once again, I finish first.
Don't let her get to you. She asked for "Pine Forest." I gave her "New Car."
Did you hear? It's over! Somebody found the last scroll!
Oh, my God! No!
TOM: It's true. The final scroll has been recovered.
The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons.
But I'm sure you're all with me when I say,
"Congratulations, you son of a bitch."
What am I gonna do now?
Hello, dumb-dumb.
Not now, Gazoo. I want to be alone.
It's not always about you, fatso. Maybe I wanted to talk.
PETER: I guess wanting it more than anyone wasn't enough.
You guys, it's a fake. There's still a scroll out there.
That's right, I made it up. I figured if
peoplethought the last scroll was found...
...everyone would stop looking, giving me the edge to find it myself.
What I did was wrong.
As an act of contrition, I will now insert this carnivorous earwig into my brain.
Kind of tickles.
[Screaming]
TOM: Oh, God! It's eating out the back of my eyes!
DIANE: In other news, chocolate may be better for you than once thought.
In a recent 12-day study....
My last beer. Here goes.
I bet that scroll makes the beer taste terrible.
Oh, God! What the hell?
[Dramatic instrumental music]
I found it! I found the last scroll!
MAN 1: He found it! MAN 2: Oh, my God!
Run home, Peter! Run as fast as you can!
[Cheerful instrumental music]
[Howling in pain]
[Marching band playing]
Man! This is the happiest day of my life.
Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt when she married James Brolin.
-I love you. -I love you, too.
I'm so glad I married a regular person and not a celebrity.
TRISHA: Professional ninja Jerry Nelson, how did you find your silver scroll?
NINJA: I was at home nursing this throwing-star wound.
My wife Janie gives me a beer. And, bam! There it was.
Honey, I'm sorry. You know you can't sneak up on me like that.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, in his first public appearance, Pawtucket Pat!
[Fanfare]
That's for my brother Luis! He drank himself to death on your crappy beer!
Got you!
A big hand for Cheech Marin, everybody.
Let the tour begin.
Hey, look.
PAT: Those are the Chumba Wumbas. They live here with me.
Hey, Pat? Where's the wheelchair ramp?
We don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
[Penny whistle playing]
CHUMBA WUMBAS: [Singing] "Chumba Wumba, gobbledy goo
"Life isn't fair, It's sad but it's true
"Chumba Wumba, gobbledy gee
"When your poor legs are stiff as a tree
"What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
"Finding it hard to go up and down stairs
"What do you think of the one you call God?
"Isn't his absence slightly odd?
"Maybe he's forgotten you
"Chumba Wumba, gobbledy gorse
"Count yourself lucky you're not a horse
"They would turn you into dog food
"or to Chumba Wumba gobbledy glue"
JOE: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour!
I'm a Coors man anyway! Silver Bullet!
"Gobbledy glue"
[Piano playing]
Very good, Jimmy.
STEWIE: I'm watching the History Channel. LOIS: Try it again.
Not talking to myself.
LOIS: You're good enough to tackle a Beethoven sonata.
Let me grab the sheet music. Keep playing.
[Piano playing continues]
[Punching]
LOIS: I got the music. Oh, my God! Jimmy, what happened?
STEWIE: Yes, Jimmy. What happened?
I fell.
PAT: It's all behind this door. Lady and gentlemen, the beer room!
[Mystical instrumental music]
PAT: [Singing] "Take a drink and you'll sink
"to a state of pure inebriation
"You'll be tanked
"like the whole Irish nation
PAT: "When you drink enough of my beer
"you will find this magic rule
"Make your every joke a jewel
"You'll drive drunker than
"Oksana Baiul
"Go on, buds, drink my suds
"till you've reached that pure inebriation
"Though the beer may be free
"you're just renting it from me"
It's like I died and went to heaven.
But then they realized that it wasn't my time.
And so they sent me back to a brewery.
We're working the bugs out of our latest invention...
...Perma Suds, beer that never goes flat.
No matter how old it gets, it stays carbonated.
[Impressed exclaiming]
Brian, wait.
Maybe we should stick with the group.
Beer that never goes flat. Do you know what that means, Brian?
This beer will still be carbonated long after you die of old age...
...and we buy another dog to help the kids forget about you.
-Peter, I wouldn't-- -Wow, that's incredible!
What the hell? Cheers.
I don't know why he said it wasn't ready. It tastes pretty good to....
PETER: Oh, my God! What the hell's happening?
It must be the beer! Hey, check this out.
And look at this.
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
Oh, my God!
Relax. It's just a trick. See? Look, my thumb is fine.
I'm talking about that!
Holy crap! There's nothing to grab onto!
This is it, pal. We're goners.
Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship.
Me, too. That's why I was holding this in.
But since we're gonna die anyway....
[Peter farts]
Peter, that's it!
[Brian farts]
-Pull my finger. -My pleasure.
Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog.
Silent but lifesaving.
What the hell is this? Didn't you see that sign?
You've sullied my factory and disobeyed
my rules! I want you to leave immediately!
Come on! Don't I at least get a Chumba Wumba song?
Fine.
[Penny whistle playing]
CHUMBA WUMBAS: [Singing] "Chumba Wumba gobble"
[Howling in pain]
[Crickets chirping]
Come on, Meg. The competition is this Sunday and you're not even close to ready.
Maybe if you loosen my chains?
We tried that. Remember, honey? You can't be trusted.
Lois, take a letter. "Dear Pawtucket Pat...
"...I hate you. You are a bad man.
-"And you made me cry. Furthermore--" -Not now, Peter.
-Meg and I are having a little girl time. -Help me!
Go on. No boys allowed.
Jeez, Lois! Still with the piano?
What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here?
[Piano playing]
[Beautiful piano music]
Peter, that's incredible! I don't understand how....
You're like the idiot from Shine!
Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet. Keep playing!
[Beautiful piano playing]
[Playing begins to degenerate]
LOIS: No. Play it like you did last night.
I can't.
Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that.
Sometimes it does. You were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
PETER: Come on, Lois. Move or something. Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow!
Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
Jeez! This hangover's killing me.
I haven't felt this crappy since I went to that museum.
-Why did all the dinosaurs die out? -Because you touch yourself at night.
Here. This'll make you feel better.
[Plays piano hesitantly]
[Plays beautifully]
BRIAN: I think we found his muse.
Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk.
That's not true.
I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk.
Go pick up a case of beer. We got a lot of practicing to do.
Practicing? What for?
The competition. You're gonna be my first champion.
Play that sad walking-away song from The Incredible Hulk.
[Sentimental instrumental music]
Hey, everyone! Look at me!
[Music continues]
[Playing The X-Files theme beautifully]
[Applause]
Hey, thanks. You think that was great, watch this.
Lois, I'm losing my buzz! I need more talent juice.
Another beer already?
I guess I don't have to be prepared for the competition.
I need another pitcher over here.
Wow! Lois must have written the book on man-pleasing.
Too bad Loretta doesn't allow white literature in our household.
How much harm can one more pitcher do?
This is for the sake of art, right?
Don't start with me, Brian. This may not be my proudest moment.
But, damn it! I want to win.
You're not the first person to do whatever it takes to win.
You come to me and ask me to kill a man I do not know.
I ask you, why should I kill this Count Chocula?
Because that son of a bitch has been spreading lies!
My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth! With all respect.
KID: I can't believe I'm missing Ronnie's party for this.
That Ronnie's a bad influence.
Yeah, that little bastard sold me some really bad crack!
Stay out of it, Herb! You're not even his real father.
LOIS: Yes. We're checking in. The student's name is Peter Griffin.
Oh, yes. He's on in an hour.
Yeah. Where's the nearest liquor store?
They're all closed on Sundays. This is a dry county.
I can't do it without booze!
Maybe this is a sign that we need to stop this.
I've been keeping you ripped out of your head for my own selfish needs.
I'm ashamed. Let's just go home.
Now, Lois. We can't stop now after all we've put into this.
Yo, fresh! How do I get to Ronnie's party?
Peter, we're not going to a high school party!
-Lois. -Alexis.
-Loser says what? -What?
I'll drive.
[Rock music playing at party]
Consume!
-I love you so much. -This sucks!
When I was your age, we had way better drinking games.
You drink!
[Siren wailing]
KID 1: It's the cops! KID 2: Run!
Hold it, you two. Aren't you a little old to be drinking illegally?
Lois, look over there! Run!
[Piano being played]
I want to make you feel beautiful, Lois.
Peter, stop. Try to stay focused.
[Applause]
Okay. You're on.
Wait, here's a little something for good luck.
Make sure your trills are clean and watch the legato in the fourth measure. Go!
[Drunken laughter]
[Belching]
[Off-key piano playing]
[Theme from The Mary Tyler Moore Show]
[Applause]
Bravo!
We did it, Brian.
BRIAN: Congratulations, Lois.
For what? Winning a trophy at the expense of my husband's health?
God knows how many of his brain cells I killed...
...pouring all that alcohol down his throat.
Lois, you don't get it.
The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences.
You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine.
Hello? Where is everybody?
I'm the only brain cell left.
At least I have my books.
No, that's not fair!
There was time now!
It's not fair!
[Theme from The Incredible Hulk]