ANNOUNCER: We now return to Sherry and the Anus.
Anus, are you still up?
ANUS: Yeah. Come on in, sis.
Have you ever had to tell a lie in order to keep a friend?
ANUS: Well, the other day I told Jane her blouse was pretty when it was really PU.
[Audience laughing]
SHERRY: Anus, I'm serious! ANUS: Look, sis.
ANUS: Sometimes it's better to tell a fib than to hurt someone's feelings.
You're the best!
[Both laughing]
[Cheerful music playing]
Oh, that was good.
That was even funnier than the one where Anus got the hamster stuck in his mouth.
LOIS: [Singing] "It seems today that all you see
"is violence in movies and sex on TV
"But where are those good, old-fashioned values
"on which we used to rely?
"Lucky there's a family guy
"Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you
"all the things that make us
"laugh 'n' cry
"He's a family guy"
[Regal instrumental music]
The old alma mater.
I tell you, there's something magical about Brown.
Brown's the color of poo!
[Laughing]
Yes. Yes, it is.
I haven't been on a college campus in years.
LOIS: Everything seems so different. STEWIE: Really?
If you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, it would ring a bell.
PETER: Excuse me. We're here to see the dean.
Nobody sees the dean! Not nobody! Not no how!
I'm sorry. Can I help you?
Yes. This is Meg Griffin.
She's here to see the Dean of Admissions.
And we'd like it if she got into the university.
Go on, take it.
Wait over there.
My days in college were so exciting.
This one time the National Guard came and shot some of my friends.
You must be the Griffins. Come in.
Oops, honey! You got a little smudge.
Hey, you got something on your other cheek, too.
And this is Pembroke Quad.
Oh, very nice. Very Brideshead Revisited.
I'll tell you, being on this campus really brings back memories.
[Gasps]
[Sad instrumental music]
Cowards!
What ho! A veritable bevy of coeds.
I say, the most recent campus sporting event...
...was disappointing for our side, wasn't it?
Oh, aren't you adorable! Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Not yet. But I'm thinking about joining I FELTA THI.
[Laughing]
So, what do you think of this Music Television?
If I remember correctly, this is the Physics Department.
That explains all the gravity.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
I say, it's like the spice rack in my fantasy kitchen.
SCIENTIST: Hold on, little fella. This is just for big people.
Why don't you come back in about 17 years?
But the shelf life of that sodium pentothal is only two years and--
Blast!
This isn't the first time I've been thwarted by my small stature.
Okay. Our next lot is number 15 in your program.
This is a one-of-a-kind item. A super mega-death ray.
It's got the power to enslave the entire human race.
Do we have an opening bid?
[Stewie exclaiming frantically]
Anything? We'll take any bid.
It can enslave the human race.
MAN: Come on! It's solid titanium. STEWIE: Over here in the back!
MAN: Do I hear $100? STEWIE: Come on!
$5?
All right, free? Enslave the human race. Doesn't cost you a dime.
STEWIE: Behind the fat chick! AUCTIONEER: No? Okay.
[Screams]
I'm tired of being small.
[Eerie instrumental music]
I wish I was big.
[Mechanical roaring]
Blast!
Well, then let's take a look at your transcript.
"Meg." That's not very impressive.
I mean, it's just three letters. It's hardly a name at all.
I never wanted to call her Meg. I wanted to call her Twiki.
But Lois said kids these days wouldn't get the reference.
You know who I'm talking about, right?
I'm not quite sure you're Brown material.
Don't you have any extracurricular activities at all?
I'm president of the Luke Perry Fan Club, Quahog Chapter.
But I've wanted to go to Brown ever since I was a little girl.
Well, actually, I really wanted to go to Wellesley.
But my mom said...
...I might as well buy hiking boots and call myself a lesbian right now.
Meg, eat your salad.
-We're not having dinner. -Then just be quiet.
[Cheery instrumental music]
I have no future!
I'm just gonna wait in my room until I'm dead.
-I'll be in shortly. -Peter, we've got to do something.
If Meg doesn't get into college, who knows what kind of future she'll have?
You ain't getting this meat. This is my meat.
Shut up! I found this meat!
[Bell rings]
[Whistling]
I'm never gonna get into college.
You just need more extracurricular activities.
You could get a part-time job.
I had one when I was in high school.
[Sirens wailing]
[Romantic instrumental music]
[Shouting]
[Screaming]
That'll be $27.50.
Come on, Meg.
There's got to be at least a hundred clubs at your school.
I do have a friend at the school newspaper.
Thatta girl!
I got your first story right here.
Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. Go!
[Maniacal laughter]
[Geeky voice] We need a picture for the front page.
Hold on. I got to rinse my retainer.
[Deep voice] I want something tasteful...
...like the Malaysia spread in last month's Vanity Fair.
[Geeky voice] That was so sweet. It was wicked awesome.
NEIL: Stop the presses! It's Meg!
I'm just joshing. It's all done on Xerox.
What can I do you?
Look, Neil, I need an activity to get into Brown.
The paper's my last hope. Can I be a reporter?
I don't know, Meg.
You never seemed that interested in journalism, or journalists such as myself.
[Sighing]
You know, I never realized how smooth the skin between your acne is.
[Sighing]
Okay, I'll give you a shot.
I've never been able to get an interview with the mayor.
You get it and I'll make you a reporter.
You got it.
Run, little rabbit, run.
But someday our two worlds will be one.
I sure hope my face clears up by then.
[Cheery instrumental music]
-Excuse me, Mayor West? -How do you know my language?
Listen to me. My entire future is in your hands.
Are you Sarah Connor?
No, I'm Meg Griffin.
-I need to interview you-- -You're with the press?
Yes.
Well, you can't interview a dead man, can you?
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[Sirens wailing]
What about my interview?
Mayor West asked me to give you this.
Uh-oh.
Of course you realize this means war.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
No.
No, that's what they'll be expecting.
Mayor West?
Well, well, Mr. Toilet. I thought you were in the Hamptons.
No, no, no. It's me. Meg Griffin.
Young lady, I don't talk to the press under any circumstances.
What makes you think I'll talk now?
This!
You just don't give up, do you?
You seize life by the throat and shake it like a topless bartender mixing a martini!
You've got your interview.
Thanks!
Hey, hey. Listen to this.
Do I sound like I'm on old-time radio?
[Cheery instrumental music]
LOIS: No more treats, Stewie. You're going to spoil your dinner.
Oh, come on!
Oh, damn my small stature!
If I were big, just think where I would be.
Tired of not being able to find clothes that fit? I know I was.
That's why I started Stewie's Big and Tall Man Shop.
If you're portly or tall...
...you'll find a friendly atmosphere with personalized and expert service.
-Hi, Stewie. How's the weather up there? -Very fair. Like our prices.
Hey, dude. You want some of these?
I say, here's the solution to my troubles.
If I could build a device to harness the size of that leviathan...
...there's no limit to what I....
Oh, my God! There's an orgy in my mouth!
ADAM WEST: "Got milk?" That's a funny one, too.
And, "I got ya, diagonally."
"Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny.
You've been talking for an hour and I
don't have anything I can use in my article.
MEG: Can you just please-- ADAM WEST: My God!
Somebody's stealing my water!
It just went down the drain.
They're crafty, I tell you.
It happens when you least expect it.
Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months.
It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money.
But I'll find the culprits if it costs me $1 million.
You spent public money investigating this?
Thanks. You know, I think I have my story.
Your story? Wait a minute.
You can't print that!
It'll compromise my entire investigation!
Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination!
[Snoring]
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Electronic beeping]
Well, let's take the old boy out for a spin.
Eyes open.
Voice test. "I'm Chris."
I'm Chris.
"Eviscerate the proletariat."
Eviscerate the proletariat.
[Singing] "If you're blue And you don't know where to go to
"Why don't you go where fashion sits?
"Puttin' on the Ritz"
Not my bit. But still funny.
System off.
Splendid.
MEG: I did it! I got a great story! BRIAN: What did your editor say?
He was gone for the day. I just left it on his desk.
But here. I brought you a copy.
Oh, my God! "Corruption in City Hall." This is amazing.
Here. Let me see that.
This'll never get Meg on the paper. This is old news.
There have been scandals in politics ever since Thomas Jefferson.
Hold on. Honey, let's get all the kids in this.
Look, I know kids. And this story's gonna put them to sleep.
Meg needs something that's gonna pull those kids away from...
...their Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, Spirographs, Moby Grape, and 90210.
Luke Perry. That's it!
Brian, I got my story.
[Typing]
[Rousing instrumental music]
Now to get this story on the school editor's desk.
It's gonna take a portion of my cunning.... No! No! All my cunning.
[Peter humming Mission Impossible theme]
[Humming climactic music]
[Cheery instrumental music]
Great story, Meg.
Oh, thanks.
Way to go, Meg!
[Applause]
Congratulations, Meg.
This is the most sensational story we've ever had.
[Screaming]
[Ominous instrumental music]
WIFE: Luke! Luke, time for dinner! LUKE: In a minute, babe.
I'm reading every high school newspaper in America to see if I'm mentioned.
LUKE: Oh, my God! Meg Griffin, you are so sued.
[Humming climactic music]
Luke Perry is suing us?
Dad, how could you do this to me? I love Luke Perry!
Jeez, Meg! You're wasting your time. Don't you read the papers? He's gay.
BRIAN: You can't just print lies about people.
-Luke Perry has a wife and son. -So what?
A lot of famous types lead secret lives that we don't even know about.
Like Ricky Martin.
FANS: Ricky, we love you!
One minute to curtain, Jewel.
FANS: Jewel! Jewel!
I just wanted you to have something to put on your transcript.
Thanks to you I can put down...
...I'm a big fat liar who makes up stories about people.
It worked for Walter Cronkite.
You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened.
BRIAN: But don't mention it around the Veterans' Hospital.
Those guys are really committed to the lie.
[Sobbing]
Don't cry, sweetheart.
I'll make it up to you.
You remember that pony you wanted when you were six?
Well, I bought him.
And I've been saving him for a time like this. Surprise!
Oh, God. That's right. Ponies like food, don't they?
Oh, boy.
Poor Meg. I know it sounds crazy.
But I can't help feeling like this is somehow my fault.
No. It's Luke Perry's fault.
If he were actually gay, Meg would be all set.
Brian, that's it!
If I could get a picture of Luke Perry doing something gay-like...
...it'll make people believe Meg's story is true!
How are you gonna do that?
Hey, I've gotten people to believe crazier things.
And if you are pure of heart and deed...
...you'll all go to a beautiful place called Heaven.
I'm yanking you. You just rot in the ground.
All right. Now walk up to the counter.
[Electronic beeping]
That's it. Ring the bell.
Well, hi there.
Good day, shopkeep.
I require a hand-operated buzz saw...
...capable of cutting through a human sternum.
-What? -It's for a school project.
I'm some sort of student sent here for....
Oh, blast! What the devil do they study?
Latin class.
Sorry, kid. I can't sell power tools to minors.
Now, look here, you gore-bellied codpiece.
Allow me to purchase the provisions I demand...
...or I shall transform your blue collar into a red one and....
Who the deuce are you?
I don't have any spare change.
Where the hell would I keep it? In my diaper?
Get out of here, you hobo!
Bloody hell. Is this thing still on?
Now, we got to be very crafty so Luke Perry doesn't recognize us.
[Punching]
How the hell is he gonna recognize us?
He doesn't even know who we are.
Oh, yeah. You're right.
Whoa!
[Punching]
Say, you look familiar.
Yeah. I'm that guy you wish you were.
Okay, as soon as I seduce him, get ready to snap the picture.
You're really gonna try and seduce Luke Perry?
Listen, I'd take a bullet for Meg.
So, I'm sure I can take a.... There he is.
-Thirsty? -No.
Jeez, the sun seems really strong! Even for my already bronzed skin.
Look at that! My muscles are all shiny with oil.
But how am I ever gonna spread it on my rippling back and thighs?
This is gonna take drastic measures. All right, get the camera ready.
Oh, Luke.
Mission accomplished. We now have a picture of Luke Perry vomiting.
That's no good, Brian.
Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people.
And they have been ever since they first came to this country from France.
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
[Wild electronic beeping]
Hi, honey. How was school?
MEG: Just great.
I can't even say my name without people asking me if I made it up.
How could Dad do this to me?
Honey. He wasn't doing it to you. He was doing it for you.
He knows how much you want to go to Brown.
There's no way I'm gonna get in now. I'm a felon.
Now, that's not true.
Libel's not a felony. It's a civil matter.
Don't worry. Your father will straighten everything out.
Come on. Let's go get our nails done. Chris, take care of Stewie.
Five Seasons Hotel.
Hey there. You mind if I share a ride?
I don't think so, pal.
Oh, my god! I know you! You're Luke Perry.
You were great in Rain Man!
Like that scene where you wanted to get on the plane.
And that dumb guy was screaming.
That was Tom Cruise.
Not in this movie theater it wasn't.
Every time I see that lame-o actor, I put your head on his body.
Thanks. It's always nice to meet someone who appreciates my work.
Why don't you come over so I can take a picture of you in a gay pose?
-Huh? -Dinner?
Sure.
[Car pulls up outside]
I'm telling you, Dark Side of the Moon totally synchs up...
-...with The Wizard of Oz. -Really?
Shannon Doherty told me that once. But I thought she was just being a bitch.
Listen, I got to get going.
Oh, God! I'm sorry! You know what's good for getting wine out?
-Sex with another man. -Whoa. Look.
LUKE: If you're gay, that's cool. But I'm not.
And even if I was.... I'm Luke Perry. I can get a much better gay guy than you!
MEG: Oh, my God! Luke Perry! LOIS: See, Meg?
I told you your father would explain about the article.
Meg? Meg Griffin?
Peter, I think it's time for Plan B.
Way ahead of you, Brian.
Don't worry. I packed my own backup chute.
Oh, crap!
I should have figured you were up to something.
Look, this is all my fault.
I was just trying to help my daughter get onto the school paper.
You know what it's like to be a teenager.
PETER: You've played one for 30 years. LOIS: Won't you drop the lawsuit, Dylan?
Ah, what the hell!
But, you got to print the real story.
And this time, I want to talk to the real reporter.
Let's go, Meg.
See, Meg? Things always work out if you do whatever you want...
...without worrying about consequences.
Thanks, Daddy.
Come on, Luke. I got my computer in my room.
Meg, keep your door open.
[Cheery instrumental music]
[Knocking]
Hey, Luke.
I just wanted to give you a copy of my daughter's article.
-Listen, thanks a lot for the-- -Peter. I'm kind of busy right now.
Yeah, that's okay. Well, thanks--
So, where were we?
If I do this, you promise to stop stealing my water?
Yeah, whatever.
[Theme music]