LOIS: [Singing] "It seems today that all you see
"is violence in movies and sex on TV
"But where are those good, old-fashioned values
"on which we used to rely?
"Lucky there's a family guy
"Lucky there's a man who'll positively tell you
all the things that make us
"laugh 'n' cry
"He's a family guy"
Okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children.
And a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one.
Which one does she let him kill?
That's not a riddle. That's just terrible!
Wrong! The ugly one!
CLEVELAND: Peter, check out my new trampoline!
JOE: Whoa, mama! Yeah!
Jeez, Cleveland. That must've set you back, huh?
What'd you do? Sell your body to science?
Because I thought of doing that.
All right. Jenny, would you come up here and show us where the femur is?
[Scary noises and laughing]
PETER: Get out of here, you little bastard.
I knew this was the right thing to do.
No. I just got a big tax refund.
Uncle Sam sent me $500.
I got $600!
I got $850!
CHARLIE BROWN: I got a rock.
I spent my refund on a digital TV with Surround Sound.
With headphones, I can watch Steven Seagal films...
...without waking Bonnie.
Yes! Lock and load! Bring on the pain!
I spent my refund on a plug-in Playmate.
So, schoolteacher. That must be interesting.
I'm getting something really special, too.
And by special, I don't mean like that Klinemann boy down the street.
More special like Special K, the cereal.
What did they do with the regular K?
And for that matter, whatever happened to Kaye Ballard?
You know, if you said "mallard" with a cold...
...it would sound like "Ballard".
-Do you listen to yourself? -I drift in and out.
[Cheery instrumental music]
Rupert, the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary.
You don't believe me? Here. Look it up!
What? What's that? It really isn't? Rupert, touché!
Hoisted by my own petard.
[Laughing]
I am so alone.
Everybody, my tax refund is here.
I'm gonna buy us something we've always wanted.
-A cat? -A stereo?
A pool?
PETER: I'm sorry. It is a pool. STEWIE: Joy unbounded!
MEG: Go, Daddy! CHRIS: I'll feed it and take care of it!
Oh, my God! It's better than I thought! An Audi! I'm getting a car!
Peter, there's a "t" in there. That says "Audit."
No, Brian. It's a foreign car. The "t" is silent. Sweet!
-I'm getting an Audi! -I have an innie.
-Miss Stratford? -Come in, Mr. Griffin. Don't be nervous.
The IRS is much kinder and gentler than we used to be. You smell nice.
What? That must be you.
No. It couldn't be me. I just farted.
I just have a few questions about your return.
Did you incur any medical expenses this year?
You can write off medical stuff? Jeez.
Had I known, I wouldn't have used that discount surgeon.
[Medical equipment beeping]
DOCTOR: I'm not sure which to cut here, the red one or the blue one.
Okay. Just relax. Let's see.
First, why don't you attach that green one to that purple one?
DOCTOR: Okay, here goes.
DOCTOR: Oh, God!
That kill me? I was afraid of that.
Try the green one and the blue one.
Mr. Griffin, you don't owe any additional money.
But unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund.
[Screaming]
Mr. Griffin, are you okay?
Sorry, I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party of Five.
It'll take some time to get over it. Now what were you saying?
You're not entitled to a refund.
[Screaming]
-I'm sorry. Come again? -You're not entitled to a refund.
[Screaming]
Was that for Party of Five, too?
No. That was for my refund. What the hell's Party of Five?
By God, I may not be able to give my family a vibrating sex doll.
But at least I can give them a pool.
If you find a human skeleton...
...with a Lincoln Log in the temple, I didn't do it.
I need that log to finish my recreation of James Madison's cabin.
I don't want anyone swimming in this pool unless there's a lifeguard on duty.
[Laughing]
Doodie. Diarrhea.
-Hey, Lois. -What?
Diarrhea.
[Laughing]
Peter, I'm holding iced tea!
Honey, you don't have to do this.
Maybe a pool is another one of those things our family doesn't really need.
Look everybody! I got us another dog!
-What the.... -Hi. You guys have any Cheez Doodles?
That's what I do. I ask for a snack and then I blow the horn.
-Look. It's some kind of plastic root. -There's no such thing as a plastic root.
SEAGAL: You bastards come to our village, and kill our fish, pollute our water.
I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong!
[Seals barking]
[Dramatic music playing]
No!
[Doll vibrating]
DOLL: Good-bye. QUAGMIRE: Damn it!
I fixed the power line.
But the town's zoning laws prohibit building a pool back there.
What do you mean? It's my yard!
I'm sorry, your house is too close to the curb.
Yeah? Your eyes are too close to your nose!
That may be. But you know what?
I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool!
-Hey, wait! Come back here! -What?
I have to draw you!
You're why cavemen painted on walls!
Damn government! Tell me I can't build a pool on my own land.
After my grandfather helped create...
...one of this country's most beloved cartoon characters.
Okay. We've narrowed it down to two possible names.
All in favor of "Bugs Bunny"?
And all in favor of "Ephraim the Retarded Rabbit"?
You can all go to hell!
-Where's the Mayor's office? -Last door on the left.
Come on. Come on.
Hello, is this the--
Sorry. I thought you were the District Attorney.
No. I'm Peter Griffin.
You're here about your pool. Step into my office.
I'm here to serve the fine citizens of Quahog.
It'd be my pleasure to give you a permit.
It's about time!
-This is odd. -What?
I've never encountered anything like this before...
...but your property doesn't seem to be on the map.
MAYOR: It's not part of Quahog. PETER: What?
I've been living at 31 Spooner Street for 12 years.
Sorry. But according to this map, you're not even part of these United States.
Which would make you a Communist!
[Screaming]
[Alarm buzzing]
Damn! Usually my malcontents are skinnier.
Would you come back in a week...
...when my fat malcontent trap door will be completed?
I am not coming back in a week or ever! I've had it with you!
I've had it with this whole government!
Fine!
I love this job more than I love taffy.
And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy.
[Contented chewing]
What's going on? Did the city give you the permit?
No. We're not part of the city. We're not even part of this country.
-And that makes us our own country! -What are you talking about?
Thanks to a technicality, we have the right to secede from the US.
From this day forth, this territory will be known as Petoria!
I'd call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport already took it.
Our lead story tonight, Petoria.
A new foreign country, founded this week right here in our own backyard!
And in a Quahog News 5 exclusive, we sent our own little foreigner...
...Asian correspondent, Trisha Takanawa,
to Petoria where First Lady Lois Griffin...
...has graciously agreed to give us a tour of her country. Trisha.
Thank you, Diane.
So, Mrs. Griffin, what's it like being the woman behind the man?
When Peter first said we were our own country, I was a bit skeptical.
But then I thought, I could be like Hillary Clinton.
Only, without the penis.
Tell us a little bit about your country.
We're a clean, industrious people, mostly white.
My son, Chris, is in charge of our space program.
We hope to get to the moon very shortly.
Almost....
[Screaming]
CHRIS: They should really use monkeys for this.
And little Stewie here is our President of Poopie.
[Sarcastic laughing]
So where is the President now?
He's out on a goodwill mission to America.
CLEVELAND: Here you go, Mr. President. "Mr. President."
Peter, that tickles me in a way...
...that if Loretta tickled me in that way, I'd say:
"Oh, yeah. That's nice. That's the spot."
What are you talking about? I'm a born leader.
Like my great-great uncle Ulysses S. Griffin.
SOLDIERS: Chug-a-lug!
How's that, Robert E. Lee?
All right, no more slaves. But we still don't have to read books!
Deal.
[Soldiers cheering]
Barkeep, petro-nemo-slappy-wag.
That's Petorian for "More beer, you slappy-wag."
You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to $50.
I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks.
Do you think G. Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks while he was...
...strangling people with piano wire for the good of our nation?
Peter, you can't drink that outside. You could end up in jail.
Not the good jail like on Cinemax. The "man" jail.
Go back and pay the bill, Peter. You don't want to break the law.
I can do whatever I want. Watch this.
Now you're just being crazy.
That's against the law! You're coming with me!
Can't touch me.
[MC Hammer's Can't Touch This plays]
PETER: [Singing] "Can't touch me
"Just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2
"I've got diplomatic immunity So Hammer, you can't sue
"I can write graffiti even jaywalk in the street
"I can riot, loot, not give a hoot and touch your sister's teat
"Can't touch me
"Can't touch me"
What in God's name is he doing?
"Can't touch me"
I believe that's the Worm.
"Stop! Peter-time I'm a big shot, there's no doubt
"Light a fire and pee it out Don't like it, kiss my rump
"Just for a minute, let's all do the Bump
PETER: "Can't touch me
"Do the Peter Griffin Bump Can't touch me
"I'm Presidential Peter
"Interns think I'm hot Don't care if you're handicapped
"I'll still park in your spot I've been around the world
"From Hartford to Back Bay
"It's Peter, go, Peter, MC Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way
"Can't touch me"
Except for you. You can touch me.
Attention, delegates. This session of the United Nations...
...is hereby convened.
Man, this sucks. Podium guy! I've got a problem here!
-Excuse me. Some of us are here to learn. -No one's talking to you, Albania.
Is there a problem back there?
You bet your funny accent there's a problem.
I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds. I am president of Petoria.
I want a better seat!
Of course. How could we not have recognized the great nation of Petoria?
Have a seat up front.
That's more like it!
And would you also like a special satellite
that can scratch your ass...
...with a laser beam from space?
They have those?
[Laughing]
Hi, how you doing? You mind if I....
-They don't respect you. -What do you mean?
Listen to me. I was the laughing stock around here...
...until my country invaded Kuwait. Now I have a seat in the third row.
Look, the only way to get respect around here...
...is to find something you want and just take it!
If everybody respects you, how come you're still eating here by yourself?
I don't shower.
That's what that is. Take what I want, huh?
PETER: Good morning, Joe. JOE: What are you doing in my pool?
This is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio."
What? You can't just come over here and annex my pool!
Yeah? According to paragraph seven, sentence three, word eight...
...of the Geneva Convention, "The." So tough luck, Swanson.
[Ominous instrumental music]
So, as you can see, Petoria has invaded U.S. soil.
-What are our options? -A military strike against such a small...
...nation could cause an international backlash.
True. But this kind of behavior can't be tolerated.
Agreed. I suggest we start with political sanctions.
Very good, gentlemen.
[Cheery instrumental music]
I guess the world will show me a little more respect now.
Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me.
-Yeah? Him and what army? -The US Army.
That's a good army.
DIANE: The scene outside the US/Petorian border...
...as the sun rises on Day 1 of Operation Desert Clam.
Good morning, I'm Diane Simmons.
We now go to Tom Tucker, live at the site of the US blockade. Tom.
Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front where the US has cut off electricity...
...water, and gas to the tiny four-bedroom republic.
The situation is very tense and extremely dangerous.
It's only a matter of time before....
Oh, my God! They've opened fire!
It looks like things are getting very heated here.
This is not a safe place to be.
[Bubble wrap popping]
[Slide whistle blowing]
And now, sports.
PETER: Lois?
LOIS: Over here, honey. I'm chopping carrots for a salad.
Here. Use this headlamp.
PETER: Where's the kids?
LOIS: Upstairs, doing their homework by candlelight.
PETER: Damn pig-dog Americans messing with my family like this!
LOIS: Honey, we can't bathe. We can't do laundry. There's no heat.
We can't live like this forever.
PETER: It's not forever. You know, it's just....
LOIS: Peter, I'm up here. Sweetie.
Maybe you should go over to Joe's and return his pool, huh?
PETER: Forget it! We're a real country.
And we deserve all the rights that everyone else gets.
LOIS: But we have to think about the welfare of our children!
Stewie, is that you?
PETER: Look, my mind is made up.
I'm not giving up an inch of Petorian soil.
LOIS: It's not a sign of weakness to compromise.
I just think you should.... Peter, stop staring at my chest!
BRIAN: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Lois.
And we're back with our round table discussion on the Petorian crisis.
You were making a point, John?
Yes. What the United States is doing to Petoria right now is criminal!
Nonsense! Force is the only thing a despot like Peter Griffin understands.
ATLANTA: Fine. Why don't we just drop a bomb on him?
MODERATOR: What about that, Eleanor?
It's ridiculous, clearly. He's a factory worker, not a despot.
That's not the point. Our blockade is
turning Petoria into a third world country.
[Theme from The Brady Bunch]
Can anybody tell me what the square root of the hypotenuse is when....
LOIS: Chris, is that a note? CHRIS: No.
Yes, it is. Would you like to read it to the rest of the class?
-No. -Just read it, Lardo.
-"I think Mrs. Griffin's hot." -Go to your room.
Damn you, Rupert!
Keep these loathsome insects away from me or you'll end up like Mr. Giraffe.
SUSAN: Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon. A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother.
But I'm actually his girlfriend. And this is Stewie.
What the deuce?
STEWIE: For less than a ticket to one of my films about capital punishment...
...or neo-feminism, you can make sure that Stewie never goes hungry again.
Yes, and from the look of those sweater cows, so can you.
Good morning, subjects. What's for breakfast?
Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food.
Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. Look at what we're reduced to!
Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers!
No, no. This is fine. One second.
I'm just about finished with Family Circus.
[Grunting]
There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me.
My God. We haven't been this miserable since that time we were tortured.
[Distant screaming]
I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me? Or did I just get bit by a mosquito?
Lois, if you happen to see the dungeon master, can you tell him...
...his grandmother just tried to work me over?
It's time to call this whole thing off! Nobody's on our side!
Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams.
"Nice going, Libya." "You da man, North Korea."
"Great job, Iraq." Iraq, Lois! You know what?
I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas over for a party.
[Helicopters flying overhead]
See, Lois? I told you we had allies. Slobodan, you made it!
I didn't know what to bring. So I made coleslaw.
It's made out of people! Just kidding. Is Muammar here yet?
Yeah. He's over there with Saddam.
And then Jerry guessed that her name was "Mulva."
That show is so funny. It really reminds me of me and my friends.
How we hang out before I kill them for worshipping the wrong god.
Yeah. And I love that Kramer guy. He comes in the room like this.
I can't do it, but you know.
-Marco. -Polo.
Fish out of water!
[Laughing]
Yes, those are looking good. Yes. Manuel? Manuel, do you want....
Can you ask him if he wants cheese?
Fidel, no running around the pool!
I say, Ahmed.
What is that thing you do when you're about to assassinate an infidel?
You mean this?
[High-pitched wailing]
Oh, God. Yes, I love that.
Stewie!
This is insanity!
Whoa, where do you think you're going?
America! I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country!
LOIS: Come on, kids. STEWIE: This is treason!
For God's sake, Peter, make an example of her!
Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post.
Let's go. We're crossing the border. Good-bye, President Griffin.
Brian, at least you're loyal enough to stay with me.
I've stuck by you through worse.
[Screaming]
I guess it's you and me against the world, buddy.
GENERAL: Attention, President Griffin.
As you may presently yourself fully be aware of, my grammar sucks.
But more importantly...
...we're about to commence Operation: Bomb the Crap Out of Your House.
The guy who thinks up the names is on vacation. Fire!
[Rocket flying]
To answer your question, something like that.
The guy who aims is in the john. Here he is.
The next one's coming right at you.
Face it, Peter. It's over.
Why don't you sit down with the mayor and negotiate a treaty?
Negotiate? Peter Griffin doesn't know the meaning of the word "negotiate."
Can I tie you to a stick and use you as a white flag?
Thank you all for coming.
We invited Jesse Jackson to open our negotiations with a prayer.
[Impressed exclaiming]
Unfortunately, he couldn't make it. So in his place, we have LaToya Jackson.
Thanks. Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yay, God!
How very inappropriate. Thank you. Now, Mr. Griffin, would you like to begin?
After much thought and consideration...
...I have decided to make a concession or two.
-Very good, Peter. -First, I will return Joe's pool.
You got that right!
In exchange, I demand access to it on alternate weekends.
No!
Accepted. I also demand to remain my own independent nation.
-Absolutely not. -How about you just give me your pen?
This cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office?
-Yeah. -No.
So after all this, I end up with nothing?
How about this? Every night when you get home from work...
...I'll scratch your back with a matchbook cover, like you like.
Lois. Would you call me "Big Rudy" when you do it?
No.
TEACHER: And that's the story of Petoria. A little nation that, 200 years ago...
...seceded and repatriated in less than a week.
TEACHER: Any questions? STUDENT: Yeah. I don't get it.
So can the family understand the baby? Or what's the deal with that?
[Theme music]