This kitty is Mittens, this one is Fitzhugh
and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies.
Yep, that's a lot of cats, Jo Lynn.
Single, are you?
[phone ringing]
Chandler Bing.
(Joey) 'Hey. How come you're answering your own phone?'
Where's your crazy assistant?
What's up, Joe?
Okay, what have we always wanted to do together?
Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach?
No, no, no, when you get home tomorrow night
you and I are gonna be at the Wizards-Knicks game..
...courtside!
Courtside? Oh, my God.
Yeah, maybe Michael Jordan will dive for the ball
break my jaw with his knee.
That is so cool. I'll let Monica know.
[phone ringing]
- Hello? - Joey just called.
He's got courtside Knicks tickets
for him and me tomorrow night.
Really?
But tomorrow night's the only night
I get off from the restaurant.
If you go to the game then we won't have
a night together for another week.
But, hey, it's courtside, the cheerleaders are gonna be..
That's not the way to convince you.
Chandler, look, I don't wanna be one of those wives that says
"You can't go to the game.
You have to spend time with me."
So if you could just realize it on your own..
I-I know, you're right. I wanna see you, too.
I just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know?
He's really looking forward to this.
'Tell him that you haven't seen your wife in a long time.'
Tell him that having a long-distance relationship
is really difficult.
Tell him that what little time we have together is-is precious.
Eh, eh, I-I'll think of something.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Wow, you look, uh..
I mean, it's just, uh..
That, that dress, uh..
Well I hope the ends of these sentences are good.
Well, they're, they're good.
It's just been a while since I've seen you like this.
You clean up good.
Oh, well... well thank you.
Okay, stop. Stop looking at me like that.
Last time that happened, that happened.
Oh, right, right.
So, are you, uh..
You excited about your-your first night away from Emma?
Yeah, yeah, Phoebe and I are gonna have so much fun.
And thank you for watching the baby, by the way.
Oh, it's fine.
Actually, I-I invited Mike over.
- Phoebe's Mike? - Yeah.
I didn't know that you guys hung out.
Well, we don't but I thought it'd be nice
to get to know him.
You know, maybe have a little dinner
drinks, conversation.
Oh, that's so cute.
Ross and Mike's first date.
Well, is that gonna be awkward?
I mean, what are you guys gonna talk about?
I don't know. But you know, we have a lot in common, you know?
Um, he plays piano, I played keyboards in college.
He's been divorced, I have some experience in that area.
[knocking at door]
- Yeah. - Hi.
'Hey.'
Ooh, girls' night out, indeed.
Okay, so now, I think Emma
is probably down for the night
but if you need anything, Ross--
Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, alright? You go have fun.
Okay, you, too. And I hope you score.
- Bye. - Bye.
- So...welcome. - Yeah.
I got beer.
I got bottled breast milk.
Eh, why don't we start with the beer.
Okay.
So, um, Phoebe tells me you, uh, you play piano.
Yeah.
You know, I used to play keyboards in college.
Oh, do you have one here?
- No. - Okay.
[chuckles]
Um, you know, I'm-I'm divorced.
Uh, Phoebe, Phoebe says that you've been divorced?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry, I don't..
I don't really like to talk about it.
That's okay, we'll-we'll talk about something else.
So you're a Paleontologist, right?
- Yeah. - My cousin's a Paleontologist.
Ah.
Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
- Hi. - Hey.
Welcome home.
Oh, well, look at you.
Yeah, what do you think?
Well, it's great. It's just..
Well, I'm wearing the same thing underneath, so..
[thud]
(Joey) 'Hey?! How come your door's locked?'
- Just a second. - No, no, no.
- Joey can't know that I'm here. - Why not?
Because I didn't know how to tell him
I couldn't go to the Knicks game
so I told him I had to stay in Tulsa.
So you lied to him?
It's always better to lie
than to have the complicated discussion.
Except with you.
(Joey) 'Hey, open the door! What's going on?'
[knocking]
What are you..
Why are you dressed like that?
Oh, because, um..
...well, Chandler's gonna be home in a couple of days
so I thought I would just, uh, you know
practice the art of seduction.
Oh, I thought I heard a man's voice before.
No, I was just doing Chandler's side of the conversation.
You know, like, "Hi, how do I look?"
[deeper voice] "Really sexy.
Could I be any more turned on?"
Okay... whoa, whoa.
Why are there two glasses of wine out?
Because one of them is for you.
Cheers. Okay, bye-bye.
You know, it's funny, I've been, uh, practicing
the art of seduction myself.
Hi-ya..
You might wanna keep practicing.
[cell phone ringing]
- It's Joey. - What?
- Hey, Joe. - Dude, come home.
- What? Why? - Come...home.
Look, I can't. What's going on?
I don't know how to tell you this, but uh..
...I think Monica's cheating on you.
I told you you shouldn't have married
someone so much hotter than you.
Alright, look, if you can't come home
and deal with this, then I'm gonna.
- No! - I just heard him.
Can you, hear him, now?
No.
- Alright, I'm going in. - No, wait!
I heard him again.
Alright, look. Just stay there. I'm coming home.
Okay, great. I'll see you when you get here.
I'm gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out.
- Is that really necessary? - 'Absolutely.'
You'd do it for me, not that you ever have to
because I know how to keep my women satisfied.
[blowing]
Shouldn't the pizza be here by now?
I mean, they said 30 minutes or less.
How long has it been?
Eleven minutes.
And now 12.
- So, you like the beer? - I do, I do.
Although, it's actually a lager.
Oh.
What's the difference between beer and lager?
I don't know.
We could look it up.
Things are about to get wild.
Oh, God, remember the girls' nights we used to have?
Sitting around talking about you and Ross?
Oh, God, that seems like forever ago.
I know. Oh..
So what's going on with you and Ross?
Well, um, I don't know.
I mean, for a long time, nothing.
But you know, actually, right before you picked me up..
...Ross and I had a, uh, little thing.
Oh, my God, I love things. What happened?
Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked
and, uh, then we had a little, um..
...eye contact.
- Eye contact? - Mm-hmm.
I hope you were using protection.
(male #1) Excuse me, um..
...these are from the two gentleman
at the end of the bar.
Oh, should we send them something back?
Ooh, let's do. Let's send them mashed potatoes.
No, wait, don't do that.
Then that's gonna make them think they can come over here.
So, what if they do?
Well, we're not here to meet guys.
You have a boyfriend, I have a..
...baby and a Ross.
Yeah, but... nothing has to happen.
We're just having fun.
You know, not everything has to go as far as "eye contact".
Chandler, you have to tell Joey
that you're not in Tulsa.
Don't you think it's better for him to think
that you're cheating on me than for him to think
that I'm cheating on him?
I heard it.
I don't want him to think that I'm having an affair.
Alright, I've got a plan.
I'll go down the fire escape.
Yes, because all good plans start with
"I'll go down the fire escape."
Hear me out, woman!
I'll go down the fire escape, then I'll wait for a while.
Then when I come up the stairs it'll be like
I just got back from Tulsa.
Then Joey and I will come in
and see that there's no guy in here.
Aren't you afraid that Joey's gonna figure all this out?
I heard it.
I'm just going to wait for a little while.
- Scary pigeon's back? - It's huge.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you live in that building.
My grandmother lives in that building.
Ida Green? No sense of personal space.
Kind of smells like chicken? Looks like a potato.
"Spuds" is your grandmother?
That's my bubby!
[both chuckling]
So, we're on our way to a couple of parties.
Um, maybe we could get your numbers
and give you guys a call if we find something fun.
Yeah. I'm sorry, we weren't really looking
for anything to happen with you guys.
I...I have a boyfriend.
- Alright. - It's no big deal.
So, she has a boyfriend.
And what is your situation?
Oh, well, it's complicated.
I don't actually have a boyfriend, but uh--
Then can I have your number?
I'm sorry, no.
Okay.
Oh, sure.
Oh, my God, you're giving your real number.
Okay, thanks.
I'll give you a call later tonight.
Great.
- Bye. - Bye.
Wow. So, that's great.
You, Bill, Ross and Emma
are gonna be so happy together.
- What were you thinking? - I don't know.
He was cute and he liked me.
It was an impulse.
What about Ross? What about your moment?
Don't you wanna talk to Ross about it?
No, no, 'cause I know exactly
how the conversation's gonna go.
"Hey, Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before."
[imitating Ross] "Yeah...me, too."
"Well, but I'm not sure I really wanna do anything about it."
[imitating Ross] "Yeah...me neither."
"Well, should we just continue to live together
and not really tell each other how we're really feeling?"
[imitating Ross] "Yeah, that works for me."
[clearing throat]
Yeah, I see what you mean.
By the way, nice Ross imitation.
Oh, thanks.
But your Rachel wasn't whiny enough.
- Wha.. Hey! - Better.
Well, the point is maybe I should just stop
waiting around for moments with Ross, you know?
I should just move on with my life.
So, really? You're moving on from Ross?
I don't know. Do I have to decide right now?
Well, you kinda just did.
That guy's going to call you tonight.
Ross is gonna pick up the phone
and that's a pretty clear message.
Oh, my God, Ross.
Ross is gonna pick up the phone.
Oh, I have to get my number back.
Oh, my God, he's gone.
"Oh, I have to get my number back.
Oh, my God, he's gone."
Dead on.
You know, I'm gonna take off.
- So soon? - Well, yeah.
Okay. Well, thanks, uh, thanks for the beer.
Uh, you mean lager.
Ah, yeah. Good times.
[groaning]
[cell phone ringing]
- Hello. - Hey, Mike, it's me.
Listen, is, um, is Ross near you?
Uh, no, I just left.
Well, you have to go back in.
Wha.. Go back?
To the "land where time stands still"?
I'm so sorry, honey, but...okay, Rachel gave this guy her number
and, um, she doesn't want Ross to answer the phone
so, you have to intercept all his calls.
I can't do that.
He says he can't do that.
Oh, give me. Hi, Mike.
Hi, listen, I know that this is a lot to ask
but you know what, if you do this, I..
Phoebe will do anything you want.
Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff.
- Alright. - Thank you.
Hello? Hi. I'm sorry about her
but actually she wasn't wrong about the dirty stuff.
Alright, I'll do it.
But really, how much dirtier can it get?
[chuckling] Oh, Mike.
Bye.
[knock on door]
Hey, buddy.
Uh...hi.
Um, can I come back in?
Why?
Well, I, I was just thinking
about how much more we have to talk about.
But you left.
Wow, that didn't take long.
I thought you said Tulsa was like a three-hour flight.
Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.
- Chandler, you're home! - That's right.
Your husband's home, so now the sex can stop.
What are you saying?
Joey said that you're in here with another man.
There's no man in here.
How dare you accuse me of that?
Alright, alright, then maybe you won't mind
if me and my friend take a look around, huh?
Bwa-ah-ah!
[thumping]
What's he doing?
I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.
Bedroom's clear.
Although you might need some new pillows.
Alright, well, I'll check the guest room.
[sniffing]
Why do I smell men's cologne?
[sniffing]
I think that's you.
[sniffing]
Oh, yeah, I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.
There's nobody here, Joe.
I guess not.
I can't believe you thought I was cheating.
You owe me an apology.
Yeah, right, Monica, I'm so sorry.
It's an honest mistake. It could happen to anybody.
Alright, see ya.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, wait a minute.
If you just got back from Tulsa
how did your suitcase beat you here?
I climbed down the fire escape
and you can't put that in the closet?
So, with the exception of the fermentation process
beer and ale are basically the same thing.
Fascinating, isn't it?
Maybe you should look up "fascinating".
[phone ringing]
I'll get it.
Hello, Ross' place.
Mike speaking.
It's for you.
I don't understand what just happened here.
What's going on?
I'm sorry.
I-I told you I was in Tulsa
because I wanted to spend the night with Monica
and I-I didn't know.. I didn't think you'd understand.
What, you think I'm too dumb to understand
that a husband needs to be with his wife, huh?
You think I'm, like, "duh"?
- Joey. - Yeah?
I don't know what to say. We shouldn't have lied to you.
Yeah, I feel so bad.
Is there, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Yeah, you could go to the game with me.
Even though I know you said you couldn't.
But then you lied to me and tricked me
and gave me a bump on the head.
Look, I'm sorry, that's the one thing I can't do.
I promised I'd be with Monica.
Alright.
- You can go. - What?
You should go to the game. It's, it's okay, I want you to.
Really? Y-you gonna be okay?
Yeah, I'll be fine.
You know, maybe I'll-I'll stay here
and practice the art of seduction.
You're gonna put sweats on and clean, aren't you?
It's gonna be so hot.
- Okay, bye. - Thanks.
Okay, here's your ticket.
Thanks. Hey, listen.
I'm never gonna lie to you again, okay?
And I want you to know that nobody thinks you're stupid.
Thanks, man.
- Where you going? - Game's tomorrow night, Joe.
[door shuts]
Hi.
Oh, God.
I'm so glad you're back.
Wow. So, what did you guys do?
Oh, you know, we just drank some beer.
Mike played with the boundaries of normal social conduct.
[chuckles]
It's true, I did.
- Well, goodbye. - Okay.
- Bye. That was fun, Pheebs.
I know, that was fun.
See you, guys.
Rachel, lock the door. Lock the door, seriously.
Oh, shoot, I forgot to pay Phoebe for the drinks.
Wait, wait.
Sorry. Did he call? Did that guy call?
No, just his mom.
Oh. Around 8:30?
- Yeah. - Then again at 9:00?
- Uh-huh. - Yeah, sure.
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Uh, no, she's not here right now. Can I take a message?
"Bill from the bar."
Okay, Bill from the bar..
...I'll make sure she gets your number.
[door opens]
Ah.
So, uh, so, how was it?
Uh, did you guys, you guys have a good time?
Oh, we had so much fun.
It felt so good to be out.
Uh, Rach?
Yeah?
Never mind.
- Hey, you guys. - Hey.
Oh, I'll be right back. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Stout. That's a kind of beer.
[theme music]