Hey, hon? Would you help me get the plates down?
Yeah. Hey, here's an idea.
Why don't we use our wedding china today?
No, I think we should save our china
for something really special.
Like...if the queen of England comes over.
Honey, she keeps canceling on us. Take the hint.
What if something gets broken? They're so expensive.
What is the point of having them if we never use them?
Okay, but if something gets broken
and then the queen comes over..
I will explain it to her.
Oh, yeah. Like I'm going to let you talk to the queen.
Wow, the parade is really good this year.
Man, those horses can crap.
(man on TV) 'Next up is a marching band from Muskogee, Oklahoma.'
Muskogee? That's, like, four hours from Tulsa.
Whoo-hoo.
(man on TV) 'And here's the float with the stars'
'of the popular daytime soap "Days of Our Lives."'
Oh, my God.
Aren't you one of the stars
of the popular daytime soap "Days of Our Lives"?
Yeah.
I totally forgot, I'm supposed to be there.
I can't believe I forgot.
I usually write stuff like this down on my arm.
Oh. Stupid long sleeves.
What are you going to do?
I guess I'm going to have to come up
with a really good reason why I wasn't there.
The producers are going to be so mad at me.
They sat us all down yesterday
and said, "Everyone has to be there 6.00 a.m. sharp.
That means you, Tribbiani."
Like...like I was some kind of idiot.
Well, you proved them wrong.
Yeah.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Oh, Emma.
This is your first Thanksgiving.
What are you thankful for?
Mommy's boobies?
A lot of people are thankful for those.
[knocking on door]
(female #1) 'Hello? Rachel?'
Who is it?
'It's your favorite sister.'
- Jill? - Jill?
- 'Amy.' - Hide my rings.
Oh.
Amy. Happy Thanksgiving.
Do you have a hair straightener?
Um...hi.
Oh.
- Aw. - Hi.
Hair straightener.
I haven't see you in, like, a year.
Oh, I know, I know. I've just been crazed.
Oh, well, yeah, me, too.
Um, I had a baby.
- I decorated dad's office. - Oh, yeah?
Well, unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina
not the same thing.
Listen, um, about that hair straightener, honey
I really need one, I'm going to have dinner
at my boyfriend's house.
- Oh, my God. - Mm-hmm.
Is this Emmet?
Uh, it's Emma.
It's a girl?
- Hey, Amy. - Oh, Amy, you remember Ross.
Uh...not really.
But...you are much cuter than that geeky guy she used to date.
That was me.
No, he was this creepy guy from high school
who had this huge crush on her
since, like, the ninth grade.
Still me.
No, I'm not talking about you.
Come on, it was your fat friend's brother
with that bad afro, do you remember?
Okay, Amy, I'm going to save you some time, okay?
All me.
Careful.
- Careful! Sorry. - I'll tell you what.
For the rest of our lives
I'll be careful until told otherwise.
Wait a minute, this isn't the china we picked out.
I know, after you left the store, I chose different ones.
Why?
Well, no offense, honey, but your taste
is a little feminine for me.
Oh, suddenly flowers are feminine?
Hey, everybody.
- Happy Thanksgiving. - Hey.
Happy Thanksgiving. Pheebs..
Hey, what's going on, Joe?
I-I-I need a good lie.
Oh. Okay.
How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing, you know?
You-you can, you can see the strings, people.
No, no, no, I need a good lie to explain
why I wasn't at a work thing today.
O-oh, honey, you stink at lying.
What? I do not.
Oh, really? Okay, let me ask you something.
Yesterday at the coffee house
I went to the bathroom, and when I came back
my muffin was gone, who took it?
Somebody opened the door to the coffee house
and a raccoon came running in
and went straight for your muffin.
I said, "Hey, don't eat that that's Phoebe's."
And he said..
He said, "Joey, you stink at lying."
What am I going to do?
Don't worry, don't worry. We'll come up with a good lie.
- I'll help you practice it. - Oh, great.
That'd be great. Thank you.
Sure. What-what was the work thing?
Uh..
"Pick up Grandma at the airport?"
Oh, man.
Oh, she's precious.
Do you ever worry that she's going to get your real nose?
Amy..
Yes, I do. I really do.
[cellphone ringing]
Hello?
Yeah. Um, hang on one sec.
- Can I take this upstairs? - Sure.
We don't live there, but..
(Amy) Seriously?
It's-it's just these rooms?
I thought you were a doctor.
Yeah, no, Ross has a-a PhD.
Ew.
God, she is unbelievable.
I know. I mean, a PhD is just as good as an MD.
Oh, sure, Ross, yeah.
If I have a heart attack in a restaurant
I want you there with your fossil brush.
Stupid Thanksgiving.
What? What? What happened?
My boyfriend canceled on me.
I mean, I...I finally find a real relationship
I mean, someone that I can spend this day with
and then his wife comes back into town.
I swear, i-it's almost not even worth dating married guys.
Don't say that.
Oh, I was so looking forward to this.
It was going to be such a beautiful Thanksgiving.
[sobbing] We were going to have sushi.
Oh, Amy, don't cry.
Um...Ross, could I talk to you in private?
Sure. You want to go upstairs?
Um...look, I was thinking, if it's okay with Monica
I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
You know, I think that's a great idea.
It'll be like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.
Look, I know she's a little tough to take..
...but, but she has nowhere else to go
and she's my sister, alright?
And she's Emma's aunt.
And I would like them to bond.
Okay, fine, but I-I don't want them bonding too much.
I don't want her telling Emma she needs a nose job.
R-Ross, you know what? She may need one.
We're just going to have to make our peace with that!
[sighing]
Hi.
- 'Hi.' - Hey.
Hey, you guys. This is my sister Amy.
This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and you know Mon.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, my God.
You're on "Days of Our Lives".
[chuckling] Yeah.
Wow.
They must put a lot of makeup on you.
Hap-hap-happy Thanksgiving.
- Hey. - Hi.
Hi, you.
So, welcome.
I-Is this the first time you're seeing Emma?
Yeah, I-I think so.
It's nice to meet you, Emma.
Phoebe.
Oh. That's a funny noise.
Pheebs, I still need some help here.
Oh, right. Okay, um..
Okay, so it's not just the lie you tell
but it's the way you tell it.
For example, if you look down at the ground when you're talking
people know you're lying.
Oh. I don't why this is so hard for me.
You know, I mean, lying is basically just acting
and I am a terrific actor.
You are a terrific actor.
Hey.
Where's the baby?
Oh, we just put her down for her nap.
Listen, I was just thinking.
You know what would be incredible?
If you guys died.
Thank you, Amy.
No, no, then I would get the baby.
I mean, you know, it would be just like a movie.
Like, at first, I wouldn't know what to do with her
and then I would rise to the occasion
and then-then I'd get a makeover
and then I'd get married.
That's a great movie.
Now, listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything
'cause, you know, you'd be dead, but..
...I was thinking about changing her name.
I'm just not really a big fan of Emily.
Emma.
Emma, Ross wants you.
Phoebe!
Why does she keep making that noise?
Honey, I-I don't know how to tell you this
but, um, if something were to happen to Ross or myself..
...um, you wouldn't get the baby.
Well, who would?
Well, we haven't officially asked them yet
but we would want Monica and Chandler.
I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma.
Yeah, oh, my God, I'm so moved.
I don't believe this. Hold on a second.
You guys die, and I don't get your baby?
Look, Amy, see, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler.
We see them every day, and truthfully, honey
you don't seem very connected to the baby.
Connected? I mean...to what?
She-she's a lump.
You know, guys, I got to say this means so much to me.
I mean, that you would trust me with your child.
I mean, we all know that Monica and I
have been trying to have a baby of our own, and..
...you know, I've had my doubts
about my skills as a father, but..
...that you two...that you two..
This guy?
Seriously?
Okay. It's time for dinner.
Everyone, w-we're using our fancy china
and it's, it's very expensive, so please be careful.
Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa.
Okay, just to be clear
comedy with the plates will not be well received.
Ah!
Hey. How come my plate's less fancy than everyone else's?
Do you not trust me with a fancy plate?
No, honey, it's, that's a special plate.
See, i-it's a game.
Whoever gets that plate, wins.
I can't believe I won.
This is such a slap in the face.
I mean, I'm your sister
and you would give your baby to these strangers over me.
Monica is Ross's sister.
No, Ross's sister was really fat.
That was me.
No, she was this really dorky girl in high school
used to follow Rachel around like a puppy dog.
Amy! Y-You've got to stop doing that.
[plate creaking]
Okay, uh, listen, I know that you're having
a little bit of a family crisis
but you don't have to take it out on the plates.
I mean i-in fact, I think that, that everyone
should cut their food like this.
Now, see?
Uh, this way, you protect the plates
and, let's face it, you have fun.
Okay, how about this?
If you guys die and the crazy plate lady dies..
...then do I get the baby?
No, if crazy plate la..
If Monica dies
then I would get Emma, right?
Well, actually..
- Actually what? - Uh..
It's j-just that in that case
then, um...Emma would go to my parents.
What?
Hurts, doesn't it?
Uh...who has to die for me to get her?
So, if Monica's not around
I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
No, that, that is not what we're saying.
Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Well, what is wrong with me? Am I, am I incompetent?
Because I managed to survive whatever it is
that killed the three of you.
Honey, you're taking this the wrong way.
W-we think you are going to be a wonderful parent.
It's just, you're more the, you know "fun" parent.
Yeah, and we'd want to make sure that
Emma also has someone like Monica
who's more of a-a disciplinarian
someone who can be firm and strict.
That's not how you see me, is it?
No, you're all about the fun.
Look, I may not know a lot about babies
but do you really think I'm not capable?
No, y-you both are equally capable.
It's just, you're strongest when-when you're together.
Okay, so if we both had Emma..
...and I died..
[knocking on table]
...she'd have to give her up.
Sure. Monica would have to give her up.
I lie better than that, right?
So let me, let me get this straight.
So my two friends die, I get Emma.
Then my wife dies, then Emma
the one tiny ray of hope left in my life
gets taken away from me?
There's your movie.
Hey. There you are.
You disappeared after dinner.
Oh, did somebody miss me?
Is there a child to raise poorly?
Ross and Rachel don't know what they're talking about.
I mean, it's not like they're so responsible.
Emma is the product of a bottle of merlot
and a five-year-old condom.
Yeah, but they're right. I mean, I'm not a strong father figure
and I never will be.
No, you learn these things.
You grow into it.
Yeah, but it's not who I am, you know.
Everything they said is exactly why I was worried
about having a kid and it's true
and, look, everybody knows it.
I don't know it.
I want to have a kid with you because I think you're going
to be an amazing dad.
At the fun parts and at the hard parts.
Oh, yeah, well, can you picture me saying
"Go to your room, you're grounded."
Can you hear me say, "You're grounded"?
You said that to me last week.
How hard is it?
No shoes on the furniture!
[groaning]
The producer from "Days" left a message on my machine
asking why I wasn't at the parade.
They said everybody's really pissed off at me
and they all got to meet Santa.
It's okay. I thought of the perfect lie for you.
(Phoebe) 'It's easy to remember and it doesn't'
'invite a lot of questions.'
You weren't at the parade
because you had a family emergency.
Oh, I like that, yeah.
Wasn't at the parade because I had a family emergency.
Ooh, what happened?
Uh...my sister's raccoon--
Nothing with a raccoon.
Alright, I'll take care of it.
Oh, wait, what're, what're you doing?
Setting the table.
Yeah, we thought it might be nice to use
t-the fancy china for dessert, too.
Oh, how nice.
Maybe later we can all go blow our noses on my wedding dress.
Hey, dude, you okay? Sorry about before.
Oh, no, that's okay. You're totally right.
I don't know anything about disciplining a child..
..but it did hurt my feelings
and I want you to know that if I die
you don't get Joey.
[grunting]
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not talking to you.
[grunting]
You know, this is, this is classic Rachel.
Oh, yeah, yeah, right.
Remember in high school when I died
and didn't give you my baby?
This might be my one chance to have a child, Rachel.
I mean, you know that I have been so busy
focusing on my career--
What? What career?
Um...I'm a decorator.
You decorate dad's office and now you're a decorator?
Okay, I went to the zoo yesterday.
Now I'm a koala bear.
Why can't you ever be supportive?
Sup.. You want to talk supportive?
You didn't even come and visit me
when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Oh, yeah, well, you didn't come to see me in the hospital
when I was getting my lips done.
Uh, oh. I did the first time.
Oh. Oh. And you know what?
You want to know why I am not giving Emily to you?
- Emma. - Oh, whose side are you on?
I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you could handle
the responsibility of a child.
Well, how hard could it be? You do it.
Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Do you want to know why you don't want me to have the baby?
(Rachel) 'Uh-huh.'
Because you don't want me to be happy.
Y-you have always been jealous of me.
Jealous of what?
Of your lack of responsibility?
Your-your immaturity?
Your total disregard for other people's feelings?
Uh, to name a few.
You know, you just, you've always been like this.
You just, you had to have everything
and I couldn't have anything.
Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me.
I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt me?
Timmy was my boyfriend and you made out with him.
Oh, come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it.
Oh. I cannot believe it.
I cannot believe that I invited you here today.
'Yeah, well, you know what I cannot believe?'
That my so-called sister
gets a 30 percent discount from Ralph Lauren
and I still have to pay retail?
Ha-ha-ha. A-ha-ha.
It's 45.
You bitch.
You just think you're so perfect
with your new baby
and your-your small apartment.
Well, let me tell you something.
Your baby isn't even that cute.
Too far, Amy. Too far.
- You take that back. - No.
- Take it back. - No!
What are you going to do, make me?
Hey, man, I work out.
- So do I. - I do Pilates.
- I do yoga. - Bring it on!
Put the plates back in the boxes.
Did you just push me?
Uh, yeah. I think I did.
Alright, that's it.
Okay, forget the bubble wrap! There isn't time!
Frizzy, frizzy, frizzy, frizzy.
[screaming]
Oh, my God! Shouldn't we stop this?
What are you, out of your mind?
Let's throw some Jell-O on them.
[spitting]
Ew. Gross.
[panting]
[plate shattering]
[gasping]
Alright, that is it.
This is our apartment and you cannot behave this way.
Now, if you can't act your age
then you shouldn't be here at all.
Now, those plates may not be as nice
as the pretty pink ones that I picked out..
...but they're very important to Monica
and I want you to apologize to her right now.
I'm sorry.
Mon, I'm so sorry.
Okay. That's better.
Now, I want you to apologize to each other
and mean it.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
By the way, that fight was totally arousing.
Dude. Well done.
You know what, if I-I die, and Rachel dies and Monica dies
you can totally take care of Emma.
Oh, yeah? Well, thanks.
So, so...now do I get Joey?
Okay, but you should know he eats five times a day
and shoves pennies up his nose.
- Are you okay, Mon? - Uh-huh.
I mean, these things happen.
I mean, it's just a plate.
It's not like somebody died.
It's alright, you can mourn.
Thank you, it was so beautiful.
I'm gonna go to Joey's and get the pies.
Actually, not pies.
It's just pie.
I don't care.
Oh, my God, I've lost the will to scold.
Look, Amy.
I got a little, uh...a little out of control over there.
Um...and I'm sorry.
You're my sister, and if it really means
that much to you..
So you're going to give me the baby?
No, I was, I was going to let you use
my Ralph Lauren discount.
You are not going to regret this.
[Emma crying]
Oh, she needs changing.
Oh, no, no, no. I'll get her.
I am super-competent, totally responsible
and fourth in line to raise Emma.
I'll be right there, Emma.
Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here.
[plates shattering]
Well, what do you know? I guess I'll be the one who dies first.
Hey, does Monica know about her broken plates yet?
- No. - Broke them all, huh?
- Yup. - You going to tell her?
Nope.
Hey.
So I'm going to put the plates back.
You know, I think you were right, I don't think
we should use these plates again for a long time.
Like only if the queen comes?
Maybe not even then.
Hey, I did it.
I called my producer. I told him I had a family emergency.
He totally bought it.
Thanks for teaching me how to lie, Pheebs.
Uh, no problem. Next week, stealing.
Bye, plates.
Oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh?
What? Something happened with the plates?
Uh...yeah, this, uh
raccoon came in..
[theme music]