And that's why no matter what mommy says
we really were on a break.
Yes, we were. Yes, we were.
Come here, gorgeous.
Oh, look at you.
You are the cutest little baby ever.
You're just a little bitty baby, you know that?
But you've got...you've got big, beautiful eyes.
Yes, you do, and a, and a big, round belly.
A big, baby butt.
I like big butts.
♪ I like big butts and I cannot lie ♪
♪ You other brothers can't deny ♪
♪ When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist ♪
♪ And a round thing in your face, you get.. ♪♪
[laughing]
Oh, my God, Emma. You're laughing.
Oh, my God, you've never done that before, have you?
You've never done that before. Daddy made you laugh, huh?
Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot.
What? What? You, you want to hear some more?
♪ My anaconda don't want none ♪
♪ Unless you got buns, hon.. ♪♪
I'm a terrible father.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
- Hey. - Hey, hey.
Listen, uh, what do you guys know about investments?
How come?
Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show
and I'm thinking I should probably do something with it.
What do you do with your money now?
Huh, it's taped to the back of my toilet tank.
I didn't say that, it's, uh, it's in
a bank guarded by robots.
Do you have any ideas?
Uh, yeah, this guy at work got me excited
about going in on an emu farm.
That'd be kind of cool, huh?
Pitching in on the weekends, helping to plant the emus.
Joe, emus are birds. You raise them for meat.
[laughing] Yeah, right.
People eat birds. Bird meat.
Now do they just fly into your mouth?
Or, or go into, you go into a restaurant and say
"Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird?"
Or "maybe just a wing or a.."
Joey, I think you should
consider something a little less risky.
I mean, I think in this market
real estate is your best investment.
The Fed just lowered the rates
and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible.
That's right, I know some stuff.
Real estate, huh?
Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment? Richard.
Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking?
Monica.
My dad told me. They play golf together.
Oh, well, maybe I'll join them sometime.
I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand
and beat the mustache off his face.
- Hi. - Hi.
Listen, you have to help me pick a dress
'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight.
Wow, the boyfriend's parents. That's a big step.
Really? That hadn't occurred to me.
Sweetie, they're going to love you, just be yourself.
They live on the upper East side on Park Avenue.
Oh, yeah, she can't be herself.
Okay, so...alright, which dress?
- You can say neither. - Oh, God, neither.
I'm sorry, honey, we're gonna take you shopping.
- It's going to be fine. - Yeah, totally.
You are in such good hands and I am so good with meeting parents.
With the father, you know, you want to flirt a little bit
but not in a gross way.
Just kind of like, "Oh, Mr. Pinzer
I can see where Wallace gets his good looks."
You went out with Wallace Pinzer?
Oh, he took the SATs for me.
I knew you didn't get a 1,400.
Cha...Well, duh!
So, now, what about with Mike's mom?
Oh, well, with the mother
just, just constantly tell her how amazing her son is.
Take it from me. Moms love me.
Ross's mom one time actually said
I am like the daughter that she never had.
She said what?
That she's like the daughter she never had.
Listen.
- Hi. - Hi.
I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed
to meet Mike's parents.
She's so nervous. It's so sweet.
Guess what, I made Emma laugh today.
You what? And I missed it?
Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?
Yeah, and it was...it was like a real little person laugh too.
It was, it was like, um..
[screechy giggling]
- Only...only not creepy. - Yeah.
Wha-what did you do to make her laugh?
I, um...well, I sang.
Actually, I rapped.
Um, "Baby Got Back".
You what?
You sang to our baby daughter, a song about a guy
who likes to have sex with women with giant asses?
But you know what, if you think about it
it-it actually promotes a healthy, uh, body image.
Because even big butts or, uh, "juicy doubles" are..
[groaning]
Please don't take her away from me.
[knocking on door]
Oh, hi. Come on in.
I'm Catherine, the listing agent.
Hi, I'm Joey, this is Chandler.
So, how come Richard's selling the place?
Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice?
Choked on his own mustache?
Actually, he's buying a much bigger place.
It's got a great view of Central Park--
Ah, that's enough out of you.
Uh, is there anything we should know about the apartment?
All the appliances are included.
There's a lot of light, a new kitchen.
I think you guys would be very happy here.
[chuckling] Oh, no, no, no.
No!
No, no, we're not together. We're not a couple.
- We're definitely not a couple. - Oh, okay, sorry.
Wow, you, uh, you seemed pretty insulted by that.
What, I'm not good enough for you?
We are not going to have this conversation again.
Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy?
Pretentious art...this huge, macho couch.
When we know all he does is sit around all day
crying about losing Monica to a real man.
You don't think he's here, do you?
You know, it's-it's a nice place.
But I got to say, I don't know if I see myself living here.
Well, let me see.
Yeah, I can see it.
Look at these videos.
You know, I mean, who does he think he is?
"Magnum Force," "Dirty Harry," "Cool Hand Luke"...
- Oh, my God. - What?
There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.
Ooh, a tape with a girl's name.
It's probably a sex tape.
Wait a minute, this says "Monica".
And this is Richard's apartment.
Get there faster!
[gasping]
[doorbell dinging]
Wow, you look...like my mom.
- I'm wearing pantyhose. - Great.
Come on in.
- Hi. - Hi.
Thank you. Oh.
- Oh, my God, you're rich. - No, my parents are rich.
Well, so, they got to die someday.
- Hello. - Mom, dad, this is Phoebe.
Phoebe, these are my parents, Theodore and Bitsy.
[imitating Katherine Hepburn] Theodore, Bitsy.
What a delight.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
And you.
- Your home is lovely. - Well, thank you.
I'll give you a tour later. It's actually three floors.
Holy crap.
Phoebe, why don't you come in the living room
and meet our friends?
Try and stop me.
Hey, hey, wha-what are you doing?
I'm-I'm trying to get your parents to like me.
Yeah, I'm sure they will. But you don't have to do this.
I want them to get to know Phoebe, not..
[English accent] Phoebe.
- You got it. - Alright.
- It-it's hard to stop. - Hmm, well, come on.
Phoebe, these are our friends Tom and Sue Engel.
- Hello. - Phoebe, come sit.
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
- So where are you from? - Um...okay.
Well, alright, um..
Originally I'm from upstate.
But, um, then my mom killed herself
and my step-dad went to prison.
So I just, moved to the city where, um, I actually lived
in a burned out Buick LeSabre for a while.
'Which was okay, that was okay'
until, um, I got hepatitis you know, 'cause..
this pimp spit in my mouth, and..
'But I-I got over it.'
And, um...anyway, now I'm a freelance massage therapist
um, which, you know, isn't always steady money
but at least I don't pay taxes, you know?
[imitating Katherine Hepburn] So where does everyone summer?
Oh, God, this is not going well.
No, no, you're doing fine, really.
Why don't you go talk to my dad?
Okay, okay, okay.
Still sure about me being myself?
Absolutely.
Maybe just...a little less pimp spit.
Okay.
So, Theodore...I, um, I can see where Mike
gets his good looks from.
- Oh, well. - Yeah.
And that physique, you must work out all the time.
Oh, no, not all the time. I-I do the best I can.
Yeah, I bet. Look out.
- Oh, ow! - Oh, my God. Are you okay?
[groaning] I...recently had surgery.
- I'm so sorry. - No, I'll be fine.
I just...should check the stitches.
- I really, really am sorry. - How could you know?
Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach?
Um, did you just hit my dad?
Yes. I'm sorry.
I've never met a boyfriend's parents before.
But, I mean, you have met humans before, right?
Look, why don't you go talk to my mom.
Yeah, okay, yeah, your mom, okay.
She-she looks nice. I can talk to her.
Yeah, you do that and then I'm going to go
check my dad for signs of internal bleeding.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, Bitsy, hi, um, listen, I just wanted to thank you again
for having me here tonight.
Well, not at all.
Also, um, I just want you to know
what a wonderful man your son is.
Thank you. I think so too.
Well, and, you know, really is a testament to how he was raised.
Especially to you, because he's very respectful of women.
- Is he really? - Are you kidding?
He is so considerate of my feelings
and, you know, I think you'd also like to know
that he is a very gentle lover.
- Excuse me? - Oh, no, no, no.
Don't get me wrong. No, not in like a sissy way.
No, no, no.
When he gets going, he can rattle a headboard
like a sailor on leave.
That's...my boy.
Awesome.
I'm not going to watch it. I don't need to watch it.
I mean, what good could possibly come from watching it?
Well, we know I'm gonna watch it.
- Hey, dude, what's up? - Don't judge me.
- I'm only human! - Did you take that tape?
I had to. Okay, imagine you were married
and you found a tape of your wife in another guy's apartment.
Wouldn't you need to know what was on it?
I don't know. Who am I married to?
- Some girl. - She hot?
Yeah.
How did she get me to settle down?
Alright, I'm going to watch it.
I mean, look, it's probably not even what I think it is.
And even if it is, it can't possibly be as bad
as what I'm picturing in my head.
- Can it? - I don't know.
In my experience, if a girl says "yes" to being taped
she doesn't say no to much else, I'll tell you.
Then you're going to have to watch it for me.
- What? Whoa. What? - Just for a few seconds.
So I can know what it is. Please?
Alright, fine.
But if I enjoy this you have only yourself to blame.
[crowd cheering on TV]
- Why am I hearing cheering? - Well, it's okay.
It's just a football game.
Football? It's just football?
Yeah. See? You were all worried for nothing.
It's football! It's just football! This is great.
This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football.
I think it may be customary to get a beer.
[Monica moaning on TV]
What the..
What are you doing?
You don't want to see what I just saw!
What are you guys doing? Oh, my God! Is that Richard?
Okay, uh, please laugh for mommy, please.
Please laugh for mommy.
[blowing raspberry]
Not funny, huh?
Well, so is it...only offensive novelty rap?
Or maybe just, you know, rap in general?
'Cause Mommy can rap.
♪ My name is mommy and I'm here to say ♪
♪ That all the babies.. ♪♪
Oh, I can't rap.
Alright, sweetheart.
This is only because I love you so much
and I know that you're not going to tell anybody.
♪ I like...big butts and I cannot lie ♪
♪ You other brothers can't deny ♪
♪ When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist ♪
♪ And a round thing in your face.. ♪♪
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes!
♪ I like big butts ♪
♪ And I cannot lie ♪
♪ You other brothers can't deny.. ♪♪
Oh, Emma, you're laughing. Oh, you are.
You really do like big butts, don't you?
Oh, you beautiful little weirdo.
- Hey. - Oh, you missed it.
She was laughing. Oh, it was amazing. It was amazing.
It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound.
Oh, I know. Isn't it?
Oh, what'd you do to get her to laugh?
Uh...you know, I just..
...a couple of things, I tried...different thing.
"Itsy Bitsy Spider"..
You sang "Baby Got Back", didn't you?
Nothing else works. That girl is all about the ass.
And then it goes back to the chorus.
♪ Smelly cat smelly cat ♪
♪ It's not your fault ♪♪
And that's the end of the song.
I realize you hadn't asked to hear it, but, um..
...no one had spoken in 17 minutes.
So, uh, Phoebe writes lots of great songs.
What-what was that one you sang the other night
that everybody just loved?
- Oh, "Pervert Parade?" - No.
- Oh, "Ode to a Pubic Hair?" - Stop.
Oh, God. Is that veal?
Mom, I thought I told you, Phoebe's a vegetarian.
Oh.
Oh, no, no, that's okay. That's okay.
I mean, I am a vegetarian, except for veal.
Yeah... no, veal I love.
Phoebe, you don't have to eat that.
No, no, actually, it's any baby animals.
Kittens, fish babies.
But, you know, especially veal.
And this...this nice vein of fat running through it.
Mm, yummy.
So...what do you think?
So you stole that tape from Richard's apartment?
Oh, oh, listen to the judgment from the porn star.
That tape was never meant to be seen by..
Joey, I would feel more comfortable
if I was having this conversation in private.
[scoffing] Monica, look, I don't think you and I have any secrets anymore.
Not ready to joke about it yet. Okay, I'll see you later.
Why in the world would you take this tape?
And why would you watch it?
Because that's who I am, okay?
I'm sure a mature man like Richard could see a tape
like that and it wouldn't bother him.
Just be another saucy anecdote for him to share
at his men's club over brandy and mustaches.
Is all of this about you not being able to grow a mustache?
This is about you and Richard. He's clearly not over you.
He keeps a tape so he can look at it whenever he wants.
Isn't that sad?
I mean, can-can you see how pathetic that is?
You shouldn't be jealous. You should feel bad for him.
Oh, yeah, well, poor Richard. Yeah, I can grow a mustache.
Chandler, this is not our problem, we've got each other.
That's all that matters.
Yeah, but I just keep picturing you rolling around with him
with your cowboy boots in the air.
Cowboy boots?
I've never worn cowboy boots in my whole life.
Oh, good, good, play more
'cause I want to see how it ends.
- That's not me. - What?
That's not you! Life is good again.
Ride 'em, cowgirl!
That bastard taped over me.
- Is that a problem? - Well, it's just so insulting.
I mean, spring for a new blank tape, doctor.
I can't imagine what he sees in her.
She actually makes me miss that pill-popping ex-wife of his.
- Oh, hello, dear. - Hey.
- What's going on? - We were just chit-chatting.
- How's your friend? - A little better.
By the way, do you know who's moving back into town?
- Tom and Sue's daughter Jen. - 'You remember her, Michael.'
She's lovely and well-behaved and single.
I'm not interested.
Oh, please, darling, let's be honest.
You can have all the sailor fun you want with that one
but let's be real.
Alright, stop, you know, all Phoebe has done tonight
is try and get you to like her.
Maybe that hasn't been clear all the time, but she did her best.
And yeah, she's a little different than you are.
Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth.
(Mike) 'So what? I mean, if I can get past that'
'it shouldn't bother you.'
And you don't have to like her.
You just have to accept the fact that I do.
I mean, if you can't even be civil to the woman I love..
- The woman you what? - Yeah, the woman you what?
The woman I love.
I love you.
Which is probably something I shouldn't say
for the first time in front of my parents..
...and Tom and Sue...who are, by the way
the most sinfully boring people I've ever met in my life.
- I love you, too. - You do?
Yeah.
How great is this?
- Want to get out of here? - Okay.
- Mom, dad, thanks for dinner. - I had a great time.
[imitating Katherine Hepburn] It was really top drawer.
And here's something rich..
...13 bathrooms in this place, I threw up in the coat closet.
Ta-ta.
♪ She sweat, wet, got it goin' like a turbo Vette ♪
♪ So, fellas ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Fellas ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Has your girlfriend got the butt ♪
♪ Hell yeah ♪ ♪ So shake it ♪
♪ Shake it ♪ ♪ Shake it ♪
♪ Shake that nasty butt ♪
♪ Baby got back ♪
♪ One more time from the top ♪
♪ I like big butts and I cannot lie ♪
♪ You other broth.. ♪♪
Rachel, please, that is so inappropriate.
[theme music]