[telephone ringing]
[hoarsely] Hello?
[coughing]
[hoarsely] Hello?
I love my new job!
Honey, you're screaming.
You bet your ass I am!
I just had the best first day ever.
The kitchen? Twice as big as Allesandro's.
- Oh, that's great. - Yeah, an-an-and clean?
Not just Health Department clean.
Monica clean!
Awesome.
Oh, and the people are so nice.
There's this one guy, Jeffrey, he's the maitre d'.
Chandler, you will love him.
He is without a doubt the funniest guy I have ever met.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke, you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪
[instrumental music]
- This is nice. - I know.
- You need both hands for that? - Yeah, I kind of do.
Well, how's this?
Yeah?
Well, look at you two, holdin' hands.
Huh? Is this getting serious?
[both stammering]
Have you not talked about it yet?
Am I making you uncomfortable?
If you were bigger, you'd hit me, huh?
Ah!
I'm sorry. Sorry. It's obviously way too early
for us to be having that conversation.
- Is it? - Maybe not. Is it?
Okay, when I got divorced
I-I didn't think I'd feel this way
about someone for a really long time.
Then again, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you
and...this may be crazy soon
but I want you to have this.
No, not...that's gum.
Oh, five bucks.
I love it when that happens, you know?
It's like you don't know it's there...
I know, Mike. Why don't you keep digging?
Oh, sorry.
Oh, it's a key.
To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars.
It's to my apartment.
Oh, wow. Ooh.
Ooh, big step for Phoebe and Mike.
Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like
you have to give me your key just because--
- Oh, no, I want to. - Oh, thank God.
Yeah. Ooh. Wow.
I was starting to think that I'd never meet someone
that, you know, I wanted to...do this with.
Here you go.
- This is cool, huh? - It really is.
Oh, I know it. It is amazing.
These little things open doors.
[instrumental music]
So, I don't go back to work for another four weeks
but we would like our nanny to start right away
so that Emma could get a chance to know her.
I think that's really smart.
The easier we can make the transition for her, the better.
That's great! Great.
So do you have any questions for us?
- Not really. - Alright.
Well, thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you. - Really nice to meet you.
- And we will call you. - Oh, you know, wait.
I do have one question.
Do you guys do random drug testing?
Boy, we, uh...hadn't really thought of that.
That's cool.
B-but if you do, I'm gonna need three days notice.
Okey-dokey!
Wow. We're never going to find a nanny.
Oh, come on, Rach. We will. I promise.
- We have more interviews. - Ugh!
And, worse comes to worst, we can always
reconsider the, uh, the first one we met with.
What, the blonde with no bra?
She was blonde?
[knocking on door]
Just a sec!
Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy.
Uh, she's got a degree in Early Childhood Education.
Uh, she worked for her last family for three years.
Okay.
Hi. I'm Sandy.
And she's a little mannish.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
[gasping] Oh, my God! David!
Hi. I-Is this a bad time?
No, it's a great time. Come in!
Wow! Hi!
Oh, my gosh!
What are you doing here?
Are you back from Minsk?
Well, just for a couple of days.
I'm-I'm here to explain to the people who gave us our grant
wh-why it's a positive thing that we've spent all their money
and, uh...uh, a-accomplished, um, uh, nothing.
Who cares? It got you here!
Well, i-it got me to New York, anyway
and then I got in a cab at the airport
an-and the guy said, "Where to?"
And I just...gave him your address.
I-I didn't even think about it.
Wow. Where's your luggage?
Damn it.
Alright. Well, so I'll call the cab company.
W-Wait. W-we can call them later.
Can I just...you just stand there f-for a moment?
[laughing nervously]
Boy. Y-You.. There's an old Russian expression.
Um, it goes..
Shtoa yazdeez vizshu: oi.
Um, roughly translated, that means, um
"This thing that I'm looking at:
Wow."
Thank you.
God, no, you should see me when..
Oh, actually, no, I look pretty good.
Are...a-are you kidding?
You know, when you don't see someone for a long time
and you kind of build them up in your head
and then you start thinking, well, "Come on, don't be crazy.
Nobody's that beautiful."
But...well, you are.
Well, so, uh... well, are you seeing anyone?
No.
I'm-I'm just.. I'm the worst person ever!
How can I not tell David that I'm seeing Mike?
Maybe he didn't give you a chance.
He said, "Are you seeing someone?"
And I said, "No."
Oh, well, that'd have been your window.
(Pheobe) 'Yeah.'
I mean I don't know, I was just, I was looking..
...I was looking in his eyes, and I was just thinking
"Oh, my God, it's David. David's here."
He's just, he's so irresistible.
Really? The-the scientist guy?
Really? Chandler?
Continue.
Okay, then it gets worse.
'Cause then I told him that I would see him tomorrow night.
- Phoebe! - I know! Evil!
An-an-and...I like Mike so much, you know.
It's just going really well.
Oh, my God!
Wow. Isn't it ironic that David would show up
on the same day that you and Mike exchange keys?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, you know, and given my lifelong search for irony
you can imagine how happy I am.
What are you gonna do?
I mean, I guess I just have to...tell David
that nothing can happen between us.
Unless I don't.
You know, complicated moral situation?
- No right, no wrong. - You have to tell David.
Okay, I knew I should've had this conversation with Joey.
Funniest guy she's ever met.
I'm funny, right?
What do you know? You're a door.
You just like "knock-knock" jokes.
Save it for inside.
- Hey! - Hey!
So, Oklahoma's a crazy place.
You know, they call it the Sooner State.
Frankly, I'd sooner be in any other state.
And what's with Oklahoma having a panhandle?
Can all states have stuff like that?
"Hey, yeah, I'm from the, uh, waistband of Wyoming."
"But when I was seven, we headed over to the crotch."
Was your cabin pressurized?
And don't get me started on the way the people from Tulsa talk.
Okay.
What's with the word "y'all"?
You know, just, two words just pushed together?
Are we all allowed to do that?
Because, if so, I say why stop there?
You know, your-your new poodle could be your "noodle".
And fried chicken could be "fricken".
"Waiter! Waiter, excuse me. I'll have the fricken."
See, that's, that's funny with the fricken, right?
No, it just reminded me of something
this guy did today at work.
I-I told you about that funny guy, Jeffrey, right?
Yeah, he came up.
Well, he did this bit..
You probably had to be there, but it was, uh, Liza Minelli
locked in our freezer, eating a raw chicken.
Oh! Ha ha!
Were you there?
No, but it sounds like it was freakin' funny.
I really do understand how hard it's got to be
to leave your child with another person.
I mean...it's like leaving behind a piece of your heart.
Sandy, that's exactly what it is.
Are you gay?
Ross!
It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do.
But I am straight.
I'm engaged, actually. Her name's Delia.
Oh, that's pretty.
So you're-you're just...like, a..
...guy who's a nanny.
I realize how it's a bit unorthodox for some people
but I really believe
the most satisfying thing you can do with your life
is take care of a child.
O-kay.
Like at my last job.
I met Daniel when he was three weeks old
and I got to watch him grow into this awesome person.
When I left, I said, "I'll see you soon."
And he said to me, "Skadandy".
- That was his name for me. - Oh.
"I'll see you every day, right in.."
[repressed sobs]
Aww.
Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap.
[Emma crying]
Oh, God, she must, she must need her diaper changed.
Oh, oh, no, I can take care of that if you want.
- Oh, that would be great. - Oh..
Okay.
I love him, I love him, I love him.
Oh, come.. He's a guy.
So what? He's smart, he's qualified.
Give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out.
Because it's weird.
Why?
What kind of job is that for a man? A nanny?
I mean it's like if a woman wanted to be..
Yes?
King?
I, uh, I hope you don't mind.
I used some of my homemade lotion on Emma.
It's a mixture of calendula and honey cream.
It'll dry that rash right up.
Plus, it keeps the hands young.
Yes! Sandy, you're hired!
That's great!
I'm sorry.
It's just such an emotional thing
when you're welcomed into a new family.
Oh, come on, come here.
You gotta be at least bi.
[instrumental music]
Hey.
I need you to set me up for a joke.
Later, when Monica's around
I need you to ask me about fire trucks.
Ooh, I don't know, Chandler.
I'm-I'm not so good with remembering lines.
Well, thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it.
I know, right?
Why-why-why are we doing this?
Monica says that her maitre d'
is the funniest guy she's ever met.
Seriously? She actually said that?
Yes. Am I crazy to be this upset?
- No! Being funny's your thing! - Yeah.
Without that, you've just got "lame with women".
Ye..
Hi. There you are.
Fire trucks!
[instrumental music]
Wow, you-you look even more beautiful
than you did yesterday.
Oof.
In fact, um, I'm going to kiss you now.
- Oh, wait, wait. - Yeah
I can't get away with stuff like that.
It-it sounded sexy in my head, so I..
No, no, it's not that. Here.
Um, remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone
and I said "no"?
Well, um, I am, his-his name's Mike.
Oh.
- Oh. - Yeah.
I should have told you.
No.
- Well, yeah. - Yeah.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No, it-it's okay. I-I understand.
Well, are you happy with this guy?
- I am happy. - Damn it.
I-I'm sorry. I don't mean that.
I want you to be happy.
But only with me. No. That's not fair.
Uh, who cares? Leave him. I don't mean that. Yes, I do.
I'm sorry. Um..
I-I think I...should probably, uh, go.
Well..
But if, David, just.. I just want you to know
that-that, you know, telling you this
is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
Well, just so you know
hearing it wasn't exactly a Vladnik carnival either.
Can we at least hug goodbye?
Of course, yeah.
You know, a-a kiss on the cheek
wouldn't be totally inappropriate.
- No, no. - I mean..
- In Minsk.. - Yeah?
...it's, um, it's two on each cheek..
and, uh, and one on the lips.
Well, if that's what they do in Minsk.
In New York, it's..
[instrumental music]
[crying]
Oh, boy.
Hi.
Is everything alright?
Oh, yeah, it's fine, it's fine.
Sandy was just...was just telling me
about how he proposed to his fiancee
and it was so beautiful.
Well, her favorite flower's the camellia. From the poem.
I can't-I can't hear it again.
You know, I can't tell it again.
And I'm fine never having heard it.
Rach, can I.. Can I see you for a sec?
Yeah. Excuse me.
[Rachel sighing]
Do you realize that man
has cried in our apartment three times? Huh?
I haven't cried that many times since I moved in.
Look, Ross, he's just.. Sandy's just sensitive, that's all.
Okay, okay. See? That? That is the problem.
He is too sensitive.
What? Too sensitive to take care of our baby?
Yeah. I mean, all I'm saying is, that..
These are amazing.
Sandy made madeleines.
This-this is exactly what I'm talking about.
What kind of a guy makes-makes..
...delicate French cookies? Huh?
They're not even butch, manly cookies with..
...you know, with-with-with chunks.
Well, you know, I-I don't know what to say.
I mean, I never thought of you as a guy
who needed his men to be men.
You know? 'Cause I gotta tell you, Ross
it's not like you just came in from branding cattle.
Hey, there's sensitive and there's too sensitive.
Okay, what? What is too sensitive?
[flute music playing]
Mm, no, I can't. I can't do this.
It's-it's bad.
But i-it's nice.
- A-a-and n...nice is good. - Mm-hmm.
A-a-and good is not bad.
Ergo...w-we should keep kissing.
No, no, no.
But..
...ergo.
Look, David, if-if you had never left
then, yeah, we'd probably still be together right now
but...but you did leave, and I'm-I'm with Mike
and I really care about him.
Um, goodbye. Uh..
...Shtoa yazdeez vizshu: oi.
Well, hey, the key works.
And you! Thanks for the face massage.
Thank you.
Did Rachel tell you we hired a male nanny?
- Yeah. I think that's great. - Oh, really?
Did she tell you he plays the recorder
recites poetry and bakes madeleines?
Oh. How are they?
Lighter than air, but that's not the point.
- Hey. - Hey.
Rachel and I hired a male nanny.
Really? Guys do that?
- That's...weird. - Thank you!
Yeah, that's like a woman wanting to be a..
A what? A what? What's the end of that sentence?
Yes. What is the end of that sentence?
Uh..
...a penis model.
Anyway, hey, did you tell Chandler
that some guy from work is the funniest guy you ever met?
Yeah. So?
Wow.
Really? Do you not know Chandler?
Is that why he's acting so weird?
He's jealous?
My God, that is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Jeffrey.
So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing.
You know? Like Ross's thing is..
Science?
Academia?
Being a good father?
No.
I can't believe he's that upset about this.
Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay?
'Cause he's feeling..
- Hey. - Hey, hey.
What are you guys talking about?
Uh..
...Rachel and I, uh, hired a male nanny.
You got a man who's a nanny?
You got a manny?
[hysterical laughter]
You know, I don't mind a male nanny
but I do draw the line at male wet nurse.
[laughing harder]
Oh...oh...you are on a roll, mister!
If I had known you guys were coming over
I would have brought more pizza.
[hysterical laughter]
Okay! Okay! Stop it, you! You stop it!
[gasping]
What is so funny about that?
I don't know. It's..
Well, just the way you say it.
I mean, you're funny.
You got that funny thing. You're a funny guy.
Did you tell her what we talked about?
[laughing hysterically]
Yeah.
So those were pity laughs?
Pity laughs?
Honey...listen.
You have nothing to worry about with Jeffrey.
Oh, yeah? Is he funnier than me?
Well, you're-you're different funny.
I mean, yo-you're more sarcastic
and-and... well, he does bits
an-and impressions and limericks.
I-I do limericks.
Uh, there once was a man named Chandler
whose wife made him die inside.
Honey, you know I think you're hilarious.
Come on, you know that joke you told me last week?
The one about Jerry Lewis and the girl with the lazy eye?
Slayed me.
Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you.
Not knowing when to shut up.
- Yep, that's my thing. - Yup.
[instrumental music]
So..
...how many guys have your key?
No, no, no, no. It's not...it's not..
...it's not as bad as it looks, really.
I was just...I was saying goodbye to an old friend.
Your lipstick's on his mouth.
Oh, uh...we just, uh
happen to wear the-the-the same shade.
No, um...David and I did used to go out.
But years ago, and he lives in Minsk.
He's only...he's only in town for a couple of days.
- Did you, uh.. - No, no.
- ...kiss him? - Oh, well, yeah.
Yes, but you should know, she really likes you.
In fact, I-I don't think you realize
just how lucky you are, fella.
Don't point your finger at me.
Why? Wh-what are you going to do about it?
Well...I'll just show you
what I'm going to do about it.
- You want some of that, huh? - Oh, really?
- Well, shall we fight? - I can...okay.
Stop it! Stop it before someone gets really hurt.
Here, David, you should just go.
Alright.
But...if I ever do come back from Minsk
well, y-you'd just better watch out.
Well, if I ever go to Minsk, you'd better watch out.
Oh, you're going to Minsk?
Well, I might.
Really?
Well, if you do, come in the spring.
I-it's just lovely there.
Okay, well, guys..
- Well...goodbye, Phoebe. - Bye.
Hey, what, are you kidding me?
Right-o, right-o.
Take good care of her.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
If you-if you want your key back, I totally understand.
It's never going to happen again, right?
Right. Never, never, I swear.
Uh...oh, I just want to say, if you, uh..
...if you do ever come to Minsk, that's my number.
Um...we'll, uh...we'll party up Vladnik style.
[instrumental music]
[flute music playing]
Yeah, alright.
Hey, hey, Ross, check it out.
Sandy taught me "Hot Cross Buns."
Really?
Sounded like "Three Blind Mice."
No, "Three Blind Mice" goes like this.
I swear to God..
Who's up for puppets?
Me. I'm up for puppets.
Well, please welcome..
...the Snufflebumps.
Who wants to be Mr. Wigglemunch
and who's going to be the Grumpus?
(Ross) 'Okay, okay.'
How exactly is a two-month-old supposed to appreciate puppets?
Actually, studies have shown that the movement and colors
help their cerebral development.
The whimsical characters are just for us.
I want to be Mr. Wigglemunch.
Oh, my God.
Well, I guess we know who's going to be the Grumpus.
[laughing]
Well, that was kind of rude.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Please apologize to Sandy and the Snufflebumps for me.
You know, he was just doing his job.
You know what? I'm-I'm-I'm sorry I'm the only one
who isn't in love with "Gary Poppins" out there.
But I-I-I just.. I can't, I can't go through with this.
- Come on, Ross. - No. Hey, you know what?
I'm sorry, I would never force you
t-to hire someone you were this uncomfortable with.
Oh, that's true.
Thank you.
Well, you're the one who wants to fire him
so you're going to have to go do it.
[chuckling]
So, you see, Wigglemunch
that's why it's important to share.
I am learning so much from you.
[instrumental music]
Well, I'm off to Tulsa, so if your maitre d' friend
has any funny Oklahoma jokes
tell him to e-mail me at www.haha-not-so-much.com.
Honey, you can relax.
Last night at work, Jeffrey told this really sexist joke.
After that, not so funny anymore.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
See, that's the thing.
You got to keep it smart, people.
Okay. Don't miss that flight.
- You know I love you. - I love you, too.
And I like you as a friend.
Right.
- See you later. - See ya.
Did that guy really make that joke?
Nah, he still kills me.
Last night, he had me laughing so hard
I swear a little pee came out.
[instrumental music]
Here it goes.
I can't watch.
It's like firing Elmo.
- Sandy, hi. - Hi.
We, uh...we kind of need to talk.
I'm afraid it's-it's not working out.
- Oh. - Yeah, um..
...I mean, Rachel and I think you-you are great with Emma.
Um...we just feel--
(Rachel) 'You. You feel.'
I..
...just feel that the..
...the chemistry isn't right.
I'm-I'm sorry. We're.. We're more than happy
to give you a good recommendation, and--
No, no, that's okay.
I've...had a lot of offers from other families.
I...just picked you guys, 'cause..
...I liked you the best.
(Rachel) 'Oh, damn you, Geller.'
Anyway, uh, well, I'm glad there's no hard feelings.
No, none at all.
You need to be happy with whoever's in your home.
Although, if you don't mind telling me..
Hmm?
What was your problem?
Maybe it's something I can work on in the future.
No, you know, it's-it's, uh, nothing you did.
It's...it's, uh...it's my issue.
What is it?
[chuckling uncomfortably]
Please?
You know, I'm just not, um...that comfortable with a guy
who's as sensitive as you.
[sighing]
That's fair.
Although, can I ask..
...why do you think that is?
Why? I-I don't know.
Um...uh..
...maybe...maybe because of my father?
Mmm.
I mean, um, you know, when I was growing up
he was kind of a tough guy.
A-a-and as a kid I wasn't the athlete I am now.
(Rachel) 'Ha! Ha!'
I play squash!
Anyway...I, um..
...I always got the feeling he thought I was too sensitive.
That must have been hard.
It was hard.
No, I remember I was in my bedroom
playing with my dinosaurs..
...playing and learning..
...and my father walks in and he says..
...he says, "What are you doing with those things?
"What's wrong with you? Why aren't you..
Why aren't you outside playing like a...like a real boy?"
But you are a real boy.
I know I am!
And when it's summer and it's hot
why can't you wear a tank top?
It's alright.
Crying is good.
It lets the boo-hoos out.
Here comes some more.
[instrumental music]
And what's the one kind of boat
that can never ever sink?
What kind?
A friend-ship.
Wow, you blow my mind.
Oh, I gotta go.
Oh...how much do I owe you?
Twenty bucks.
Oh, it's like the cheapest college ever.
[theme music]