Oh, hey, you guys.
I couldn't get a reservation for the night of my birthday
so we'll have to do dinner Thursday night instead.
Thursday? But that's Halloween.
So?
It's just spooky, that's all.
Uh. So, is-is Mike coming to dinner?
No. It's my first birthday with a boyfriend
and he has to work.
Ugh, I'd get mad at him, but I think
it's a little too soon to show my true colors.
Well, Pheebs I would make the reservation for 5:00
because one of us has to stay home and watch Emma.
Which one of us should go to dinner?
Oh, Rachel!
Uh, actually, I-I was thinking
maybe both of us could go.
Oh, yay.
Thanks, I'll put a lot
of extra thought into your gift.
Alright, so, great, we can all go now.
That is fun. Hey!
You know what?
We all haven't been together
the six of us, in such a long time.
What are you talking about?
We're all together right now.
Uh, Mon, Chandler's not here.
Oh, dear God.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪
[instrumental music]
Hello, everyone, it's nice to see our team together
for the first time.
Now, before we get started, are there any questions?
Yes. Ken, is it? That's right.
Is it true that the reason
you're here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep in a meeting
and took the job without realizing
what you were saying yes to?
[chuckles] Well, don't believe everything you hear, Ken.
But yeah, that's true.
Alright let's get started by, uh, taking a look
at last quarter's figures.
Uh, Claudia, aren't you supposed
to blow smoke up the boss's ass?
I'm sorry, does the smoke bother you?
No. No, no, no. I smoked for years, then I quit.
Right now, I can't remember why.
You're not allowed to smoke in this office, though, right?
Yes, in Oklahoma it's legal to smoke
in offices with 15 people or less. Would you like one?
Alright, look, look, I don't smoke anymore
but if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead. It's fine.
So you all smoke, then?
Y'know, it's-it's almost rude that I'm not smoking.
Well, that's not true, if you don't want to smoke--
Ken, please!
No, I can't-I can't smoke.
If I smoke, my wife would kill me.
I'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New York?
I've always liked you, Ken.
[instrumental music]
[Phoebe knocking] 'Trick or treat?'
- Hey. - Ooh, a treat it is.
Wow. So glad I changed.
I almost wore my threadbare robe that can't contain my breasts.
This is not what I'm wearing.
I'm ovulating and Chandler's going to be home any minute
so I thought we would "try" before dinner.
Oh...Oh, wait! Does...uh..
You guys won't be late for my dinner, will you?
Believe me, Chandler and I have not
seen each other in over a week.
We'll probably be the first ones there.
Okay, see you there. Happy humping.
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
Ooh. Wow, somebody smoked out here?
Oh, my God, don't people know
you're not allowed to smoke in public spaces?
Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal
in all common areas and offices with fewer than 15 people.
Oh. You smoked.
No. I just happen to know a lot of trivia
about smoking in different states.
For example, in Hawaii
cigarettes are called "Leyhallalookoos"
Oh, Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.
Do you think Monica's going to be able to smell it?
Are you kidding? That woman has the nose of a bloodhound.
And the breasts of a Greek goddess.
Pheebs?
I'm gonna go.
Okay. Something to cover the smell.
Oven cleaner.
"Unscented."
(Monica) 'Welcome home.'
I've missed you.
You want to join me in the bedroom?
No, thanks, I'm good.
Oh, okay.
So, you want to play it that way, do you?
Right, uh, you know what, actually
I just got off a plane so I'm feeling kind of gross.
Maybe I should just take a shower.
You don't need a shower.
Alright, the truth is..
I soiled myself during some turbulence.
What do I smell? I smell smoke!
[gasps] Did you smoke?
Yes, but I just had one.
Two.
Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five.
A pack. Two pack.. A carton.
Three big, fat cartons in two days!
But it's over, I've made a decision
and I'm not going to smoke anymore.
Well, those are for you.
Alright, well, we'll just see you when you get here. Bye.
Oh, that was my mom. She's stuck in terrible traffic.
Okay, well, that is now the third sign
that I should not leave Emma.
Well, what are the other two?
Well, let's see, the first one is I don't want to
and the second one.. I'm not going.
Rach, I know this is the first time
we're leaving the baby, and, hey, I know
how hard it is for you, but-but everything's going to be fine.
I mean, my mom is going to be with her.
She's great with kids.
- She is? - Yeah.
What about Monica?
Hey, you only hear Monica's side of that.
Okay? That little fatso was a terror.
I just don't think I can do it.
Rach, you know what? You can and you should.
Really, it-it'll be good for you.
In fact, you know what, why don't you
why don't you go ahead to the restaurant and I
will wait for my mom and then I'll meet you there.
No, no, really. You should go. Just go.
Go out, really, the world is your oyster.
Kick up your heels.
Paint the town red.
You need to learn some new slang.
I'm serious. Come on, you should go. Here.
- Nuh-uh. Just go. - Oh!
No, no. You know what?
You're not getting back in there.
The baby's fine, now scram.
Yeah, tell your story walkin'.
I was just going to say that I left my keys.
Oh.
Holy moly, are we in a pickle now.
Where is everyone?
They're 40 minutes late.
- I know. - I'm starving.
I knew we were coming here tonight.
I ate nothing all day.
How about me? I only had one lunch today.
So, are we expecting the rest of our party shortly?
Yes, they-they are expected presently.
Yeah. Their, um, their arrival is in the offing.
Right. Well, we do have a table for two available.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable--
No, they're coming. We're waiting right here.
Joseph. Oh.
One needn't worry. they-they shan't be long.
It's just that we do have some large parties waiting.
Oh, one really does have a stick up one's ass, doesn't one?
How can you smoke in this day and age?
Have you not seen that ad? Huh?
Where the little kid walks through Grandpa? It's chilling.
I messed up. It was a meeting.
Everybody was smoking.
So what? Don't you have any willpower?
Willpower? I've watched home movies
of you eating Ding-Dongs without taking the tinfoil off.
You said that was sexy!
Okay, look. Can we just drop this?
- I'm not going to smoke again. - That's right.
Because I forbid you to smoke again.
- You forbid me? - Mm-hmm.
You know, I've flown a long way to see my loving wife.
Is she here, by the way?
Oh, Chandler, don't joke with me, okay?
I'm very, very upset right now.
Oh. Would you say this is the most upset you could be?
- I think so. - Well, then I might as well..
...do this.
Not really sure what to do now.
Well, I'll tell you what we're going to do.
We're already late for Phoebe's birthday dinner.
So you're going to put out that cigarette.
We're gonna put this fight on hold, and go have sex.
Fine! What?
Sex! This is the last day I'm ovulating and if we-we don't
do it now then we're going to have to wait till next month!
You're serious.
- Oh, yeah! - Alright, fine!
I'll do it. But no talking.
[gasps] And no cuddling.
And no kissing your neck.
Oh, good, I hate it when you do that.
And lots of kissing your neck.
Okay, well, the super's not home, but you know what?
My mom is going to be here in a minute and she has the key.
I can't-I can't wait that long. You have to do something.
Knock that door down.
I would, but I bruise like a peach.
Besides, you know, everything's gonna be fine.
The-the baby's sleeping.
What if she jumped out of the bassinet?
Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jumped.
Oh, my God! I left the water running.
Rach, you did not leave the water running.
Please, just-just pull yourself together, okay?
Wait, did I leave the stove on?
You haven't cooked since 1996.
Is the window open, because if a window's open
a bird could fly in there.
Oh, my God, you know what? I think you're right.
I think...you know what? Listen, listen.
A-a pigeon, no, no, wait, no, no.
An eagle flew in.
Landed on the stove and caught fire.
The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment
to the mighty bird's aid.
The eagle, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression
and grabs the baby in its talon.
Meanwhile, the faucet fills the apartment with water.
Baby and bird still ablaze, are locked in a death grip
swirling around the whirlpool that fills the apartment.
Boy are you going to be sorry if that's true.
- Hello. - Hi.
It's been an hour.
The Maitre D' has asked if you'd be willing
to reconsider switching to a smaller table.
Maybe we should just eat now.
You can't order until the entire party has arrived.
Restaurant policy.
Well, how about this?
Another table leaves, right?
But there's still some food left on their plates.
Okay? What's the restaurant's policy about people eating that?
It's frowned upon.
But it happens.
Alright, I gotta go to the bathroom.
No, you can't go. No, no, no.
I can't-I can't hold this table on my own.
If they ask me to move, I'll cave.
Well, if you ask me to stay, I'll pee.
Good evening, miss.
Miss.
Miss. Miss.
Okay, fine, I'll move.
Alright, you don't have to manhandle me.
Where?
Okay.
Thank you.
Well.
Finally, you guys made it.
Pheebs, who the hell...ah!
[instrumental music]
Oh, spend more time with the tie.
- That'll make a baby. - Look, I can't do this.
I can't make love to you while we're fighting this way.
Oh, sure, now you're Mr. Sensitivity.
But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncle's funeral..
That was a celebration of life!
Alright, look. I'm not going to do this.
Alright, is this really the way
you want our baby to be conceived?
No, you're right.
Yeah, we shouldn't do it like this.
[sighs deeply]
For what it's worth, I'm-I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have come down on you so hard about the smoking.
So you had a few cigarettes.
It's not the end of the world.
- Really? - Yeah.
You are incredible.
And listen, I'm not going to smoke again.
And if I do, I promise
I will hide it so much better from you.
- Do you want to? - Yeah, let's celebrate life!
Okay.
[instrumental music]
Whoa, God!
Oh, thank God, you're okay.
Oh, I'm so sorry we left you.
Mommy will never leave you again.
Never, ever, ever again.
[sighs]
Great, so let's get going.
Oh, no, I mean it.
After what just happened, I'm never leaving her again.
I understand. Separation is hard.
One time, I was about to leave Ross
to go to the beauty parlor
and he got so upset
he took off all his clothes
tucked his willy between his legs and cried out
"Mommy, I'm a girl. Take me with you."
Somehow, over time
it got easier to be apart from you.
Ahh..
You are welcome.
You know what? Let's not talk.
What?
I am still so mad at you for smoking.
But you said you forgave me, it was just
a couple of cigarettes, no big deal.
Blah-blah-a-blah- blah-blah-blah-blah.
I just said that because I was ovulating
and you said you wouldn't have sex with me
if we were fighting.
You tricked me to get me into bed?
That's right.
I got mine.
I feel so used.
Well, I guess they're not coming.
Want to just order?
Thank you.
Waiter!
Alright, this is going to go fast so try to keep up.
Risotto with the shaved truffles
and the roasted rib steak with golden chanterelles
and the bordelaise sauce, unless any of that stuff
I just said means "snails".
It does not.
Tomato tart and, um, which of the pastas would you recommend?
Oh, well, they're both exq--
Both it is. Thank you.
Oh, can I make a special request?
Can you bring everything as soon as it's ready?
Appetizers, entrees, we don't care, we--
- Hi. Hi. - Hey.
I'll just wait to put your order in.
You guys are over an hour late.
- What happened to you two? - So sorry.
We got locked out of the apartment--
That's a great story. Can I eat it?
And then Rachel wasn't sure
she could leave the baby.
Yeah, it wasn't easy, but it's your birthday
and I did what I had to do.
And that's Judy over there at the bar with Emma?
But honey, this is for the best.
This way I'm not distracted
worrying about Emma, how she's doing at home.
And I'm going to be completely here with you..
And, oh, she spit up.
- What? - She spit up.
Judy, she spit.. Judy, look alive, Judy!
- Thanks. - Thank you.
Whoo, everything looks delicious.
What should I have?
'What should I have?'
Never hit a woman, never hit a woman..
I know what you mean. This looks incredible.
Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach.
Okay, I'll have the fig salad and the duck.
Yeah, I'll have the, uh, soup and the salmon.
And remember, whatever comes up first, okay?
- And hurry, because-- - Happy birthday.
Son of a bitch!
Where-where have you been?
Well, we had a little fight.
I would never lie to get someone into bed.
You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy.
Thanks. Ooh.
Thanks.
Well, it's a little tight, isn't it?
Why didn't you get a bigger table?
You...you had a big table, but they made you move.
Shut up, Monica.
Oh, well, I suppose
that Chandler will have the smoked duck.
And I suppose that Monica will have
the manipulative shrew.
I'll give you another minute.
Where are you going? He said she wanted the shrew!
Rachel, come on. Emma's fine.
You're turning into an obsessive mother, okay?
You need to stop.
You guys ever hear the story about
when Ross's mom went to the beauty salon?
You mean the willy story?
Ha-ha, they already know it.
You guys, we've been waiting for you
for a long time, maybe you should order.
No, that's okay, I already told the waiter what they want.
Why would you do that?
Chandler, control your woman!
Okay, well, everybody has ordered.
I would like to start the celebration
and make a toast.
To Phoebe.
She dropped her sock.
Aw. What?
No, Emma dropped her sock.
(Monica) 'Mom's here?'
I wanted to have lunch with her today.
She told me she was out of town!
Wait, Ross, she still has not noticed
that the baby's sock is on the ground.
It's a good toast.
Come on, will you please get her attention?
Oh..
Mommy?
Oh, for God's sake, Judy, pick up the sock!
Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!
I'm sorry. Was that rude?
D-did-did my lit.. my little outburst
blunt the hideousness that is this evening?
Look, I know you all have a lot going on
but all I wanted to do was have dinner
with my friends on my birthday.
And you were all so late
and you didn't even have the courtesy to call.
[cell phone ringing]
Well, it's too late now.
Yeah, Pheebs, I don't think that's us.
Oh.
Well, this is-this is.. This is not over.
Hello?
And what is going on with you two?
Well, you see, I'm ovulating.
Oh, yeah. That's what she says!
But maybe you're not ovulating at all.
Maybe this is all just a clever ruse
to get me into bed.
Yeah, Smokey. That's what it was.
I just can't get enough!
You're not going to believe this.
She lied. She tricked me
into having sex with her.
So?
You got to have sex, right?
What's the matter with me? Why am I such a girl?
Okay, that was Mike.
Phoebe, honey, we are so sorry.
You are totally right, we are here 100%
and we love you and we are ready
to start your birthday celebration.
Oh, guys, that means the world to me.
Okay, I'm going to take off.
- What? - Oh, I love you guys, too.
But you know, Mike got off work early.
Wait.
Wait, I'm not the... I'm not the kind of girl
that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend.
You know what? I am. Bye, guys.
Judy! Bye.
Oh, thank God, if Phoebe's gone
can we please take Emma home?
Y'know, I think that's a good idea our baby-sitter
just pounded another chardonnay.
Oh, God!
- Bye, you guys. - Bye.
See you.
Well, guess it's just us.
So, I'm probably still ovulating.
Do you want to give it another try?
So, you've never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?
You're going to go do it now?
We don't have much time. I mean, once the egg
descends into the fallopian--
Whoa, whoa.. Get out of here.
I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning.
Nah, just me.
All alone.
Dinner for six for one.
Well, you boys are about to see
something really special.
- How was everything, sir? - Excellent.
The shrew, in particular, was exquisite.
Well, I hope you've got some room left.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday dear ♪
Joey, Joey.
♪ Joey ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪
This is the best birthday ever.
[theme music]