You said you'd marry Joey?
Okay, you have to realize I was exhausted
I was emotional
I would have said yes to anybody.
Like the time when you and I got married.
I'm not helping.
So you said yes to him
and you just had our baby.
That is right, and traditionally
the daddy is supposed to give the mommy a present
but I am prepared to let that go.
So when I came in here to see
if you wanted to maybe start things up again
you were engaged to my best friend.
Well.. Really?
I thought Chandler was your best friend.
Chandler's my oldest friend.
Joey's more.. No. Unh-unh-unh.
Hey, guys, I'm gonna take off.
I just wanted to say goodbye.
Rachel said she'd marry you?
This isn't the right room.
Sorry, folks.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Okay, I don't wanna be negative
so I'll say that most of the signs
you bought are good.
No, they ran out of "It's a girl."
But I can, I can fix this one.
- See, huh? - Mm-hmm.
So sexy.
- Honey. - Yeah?
[mumbling]
Honey, why don't you go lie down?
No, no, it's okay, Ross and Rachel will be back soon
and then I got to go to the office.
Am I producing them?
Why are you so tired?
I couldn't sleep last night.
You know, and then I start worrying about this
big divisional meeting I have later today.
The more I worried about it, the more I couldn't sleep.
You know, and I was like, if I fall asleep now
I'll get six hours sleep.
But, if I fall asleep now
I'll get five hours sleep.
No matter what I did, I-I couldn't fall asleep.
You know what you should have done?
You should have told yourself that little story.
- Hi. - Hey
- Hey. - Welcome home.
Phoebe did the signs.
Oh, you guys.
Thanks for doing this.
Look at all stuff people sent.
Ohh. Ah!
Oh, my gosh, look, there's somethin' every mother needs.
A giant stuffed gorilla
that takes up the entire apartment.
What are people think..
Oh, you guys, I love it.
And so, where's Ross?
He's downstairs gettin' the rest of the stuff out of the cab.
Uh, is he still mad at us?
Well, you more than me.
But he can't stay too mad at me.
I mean, I just had his baby.
That's not fair. I can't do that.
Yeah, and I-I'm not so sure you should be here when he comes up.
See, this is what I was afraid of.
I didn't think I should be here either
but somebody said he'd be over it by now.
Hey, what do I know, I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.
[instrumental music]
The numbers we're seeing
in Chicago, New York and London
are consistently solid.
'But many of our field offices'
'have reported disappointing yields.'
'Boston is down, Atlanta is down'
'Houston is down, I could go on and on.'
'But instead of boring you'
'I'll go straight to my 42 point plan.'
Walter.
(Phoebe) 'She's just so cute.'
Oh, I just want to bite her ear off
and use it as a sucking candy.
Phoebe.
But I could take one of those little feet
and put it in a pita pocket.
Okay, I put most of the stuff away.
Oh, great. The pacifiers?
Uh, it's in the cupboard.
The burping cloths?
Uh, linen closet.
The diapers?
In the hospital.
Oh, you guys got a hospital? Fancy.
Oh, I, uh, left the diapers at the hospital.
There's, there's some in the bag
but I'll run out and get some more.
Alright, thanks.
Oh, Ross, could you stop at the coffee house
and get me a muffin?
Oh, sure. What kind?
Um, let me think.
What do I want?
Please, take your time.
It's an important decision, not like, say..
...I don't know, deciding to marry someone.
This is about a muffin.
- Blueberry. - Blueberry it is.
Thank you.
Wow, he's really not letting this go, is he?
Oh, God. How long do you think that's gonna last?
Well, I don't know, he got over the..
...we were on a break thing really quickly.
You know, I can't even worry about it right now.
'Cause I've got the cutie little baby.
Oh, I can't believe how much I love her.
I mean, I can't get enough of her.
Like, right now, I miss her. I actually miss her.
You, you know, that's-that's her.
Oh, God, look at her sleeping.
Oh, I love you so much.
I think I'm gonna wake her up.
Oh, no, Rach, no, no, you know
you're never supposed to wake a sleeping baby.
What? I can do whatever I want.
I made her.
Come on, little girl, oh, yes.
[Emma crying] Hello, Emma, hi.
I would say, I told you so
but she's kind of doing that for me.
Okay.
I'm sorry. Oh, mommy's so sorry.
Go back to sleep. Shh-shh-shh.
Go back to sleep.
[Emma crying] It breaks your heart, doesn't it?
It really does.
How long do you think we have to stay?
Okay, if everyone's on board, it's settled.
Chandler.
- Chandler. - Yeah?
Are you on board?
Yes.
Then problem solved.
Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa.
You're gonna love Oklahoma.
[Emma crying]
Alright, well, we already tried feeding her
changing her, burping her..
Oh, try this one.
Go back in time and listen to Phoebe.
- Alright, here's something. - What?
It says to "Try holding the baby close to your body
and then swing her rapidly from side to side."
Okay.
[Emma crying]
[Emma stops crying]
It worked.
[Emma crying] Oh, no, just stopped for a little bit.
Oh, what am I gonna do?
It's been hours and it won't stop crying.
Uh, she, Rach, not "it", she.
Yeah, I'm not so sure.
Oh my God, I am losing my mind.
Yeah, no kidding.
This just proves no good can come
from having sex with Ross.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Gunther, can I get a couple
of blueberry muffins to go?
Diapers, huh?
Yep.
So I guess Rachel had your baby.
Yep. Can you believe it?
Nope.
I can't even believe she slept with you in the first place.
Huh?
Oh, oh, you mean like, uh..
Huh?
Hey.
Ross, I know you're pissed at me
but we have to talk about this.
Uh, actually, uh, we don't.
Fine, okay, fine, but I got to say technically
I didn't even do anything wrong.
What? You-you didn't do anything wrong?
I-I said I didn't technically.
Okay, well, let's put aside the fact that you
accidentally picked up my grandmother's ring
and you accidentally proposed to Rachel--
Well, can I just stop you right there for a second?
When people do this
I don't really know what that means.
You were saying?
And I can even understand
that you couldn't tell Rachel
but why couldn't you tell me, huh?
You had all day to, and you didn't.
I know. I should have.
I'm sorry.
Not using it right, Joe.
[whispering] I'm sorry.
- I'm gonna go. - No. Come on, look, Ross.
- We have to get past this. - Give me the bag.
No, look, I-I don't know what else to do.
- I said, I'm sorry. - Joey.
Now you should scream at me
or-or curse me or hit me.
I-I'm not gonna hit you.
Why not? You'll feel better. I'll feel better.
And you know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.
- No, I don't. - A little bit.
- No. - A little bit.
- No. - A little bit more.
- Give me the bag. - No, hit me.
- Give me the bag. - Hit me.
- Joey, give me the bag. - Hit me. Hit me.
- Joe, I'm not kidding. - Hit me, hit me, hit me.
[squealing]
You ducked.
I'm sorry! It was a reflex.
Oh, my God! This-this really hurts.
I couldn't help it. When a fist comes at your face, you duck.
Look.
Oh!
What is the matter with you?
You were supposed to duck. Why didn't you duck?
Why don't we talk about this on the way to the hospital.
Good, good, yeah, maybe while we're there
they can check your reflexes.
Oops.
[instrumental music]
[Emma crying]
- Try feeding her again. - I already fed her.
I know. That's why I said, again.
Alright, you guys, we can't turn on each other, okay?
That's just what she wants.
- Hi. - Hey.
Monica, can I talk to you outside for a minute?
Oh, no, you guys just stay here.
I'm gonna go check her diaper.
Pheebs, you wanna come?
Oh, I'm kind of part of this.
Actually, Pheebs, it's more of a husband-and-wife kind of thing.
I knew I should have married Chandler.
Okay, what's up?
Okay, um...
You know how we always said it would be fun
to move to Paris for a year?
You could study French cooking
and I could write, and we could picnic
along the Seine and..
...go wine tasting in Bordeaux?
Oh, yes.
Okay, you know how people say that Tulsa..
...is the Paris of Oklahoma?
What? Who says that?
People who have never been to Paris.
Wh-what's going on?
We're moving to Tulsa.
Excuse me?
Okay, Ms. McKenna
she kind of, uh, works above my boss.
She asked me to move to Tulsa
and be the president of our office there
and I was sleeping and apparently said yes.
Tulsa, Oklahoma?
The Sooner state.
Whatever that is.
Chandler, I don't even want to see the musical "Oklahoma."
Really? "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning?"
"Surrey With The Fringe On Top?"
Are you trying to tell me that we're moving to Oklahoma
or that you're gay?
Alright, not that this matters, but did they at least
offer you a huge raise?
No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus.
- I'll get out of it. - Thank you.
[Emma crying]
What is wrong with Emma?
Oh, she misunderstood.
She thought she was moving to Tulsa.
Ma'am, uh, do you have a minute?
I kind of have some bad news.
I don't think I can move to Tulsa.
What?
Uh, it's a funny story, actually.
[clears throat]
Uh, I kind of fell asleep
in the meeting this morning.
So when I said I'd move to Tulsa
I didn't really know what I was saying.
You fell asleep?
But only because I was up all night
worried about this meeting.
Isn't that funny?
Irony. Not a fan? Alright.
See, here's the thing.
I went home and told my wife about Tulsa, a-and she won't go.
See, me, I love Tulsa.
Tulsa is heaven. Tulsa is Italy.
Please don't make me go there.
- Chandler, I-- - No, now, now look, Carol.
Can I call you Carol?
Why would I when your name is Elaine?
Oh..
What a great picture of your son, strapping.
That's a picture of your daughter, isn't it?
Well, she's lovely.
I-I like a girl with a strong jaw.
I'll call you from Tulsa.
Hey. So, uh, how is it?
I broke my thumb.
Your thumb?
That's weird.
Are you sure you're punching right? Make-make a fist.
Maybe later.
Ross, I feel terrible.
You know what, you can go.
I just have to fill out some forms.
You, uh, y-you want me to help you with that?
Why, does it look like I'm having trouble
with my misshapen claw?
"Name."
Oh, I know "Ross," but what's it short for?
You know, like, like, Rossell.
Or, or..
Or Rosstopher.
- Just Ross. - Oh.
It's pretty.
Okay, "Date of birth."
You know my birthday.
Sure.
May..
...tember?
October 18th.
"Occupation."
Dinosaurs.
Actually, I'm a pale..
Dinosaurs is fine.
The drawing is not.
Alright, uh, w-who do you want
as your emergency contact?
Uh, Rachel, I guess.
Okay. "Relationship?"
Whoo, boy, this could take a while.
Just, uh..
Just put roommate.
Come on, you guys are more than that.
I mean, you're gonna get together, right?
I don't think that we are.
But...you two are supposed to be together.
Oh, I thought so, too
but then she said she'd marry you.
Come on, Ross, that didn't mean anything.
She-she'd just had the baby.
She was all freaked out about doin' it alone.
S-she would have said yes to anybody.
- Yeah, th-that's what she said. - So?
So, I don't wanna be just anybody.
- Wow. - You know what?
It's-it's better this way anyway.
I mean, I don't know what I was thinking
going down that road again with us.
It's just much easier if we're..
if we're just friends who have a kid.
- Really? - Yeah.
And-and you're okay with that?
Yes, I mean, it's what we always planned.
And if-if you have a plan, you should stick to it.
That's-that's why they call them plans. Hello?
I'm fine.
Hey, for what it's worth
with Rachel, I don't think you'll ever be just anybody.
Hey, there you go.
Thanks.
[Emma crying]
Oh, my God.
How long has she been crying?
- About a week and a half. - Oh.
Alright, well, it looks like you guys got it under control
so I'm just gonna go.
No? Really?
Misery really does love company? Alright.
Rachel, try holding her a different way.
What, you guys, I'm doin' the best I can.
Anyone else is welcome to try.
- Alright, I'll try. Fine. - 'Okay.'
- 'Yes.' - Okay.
- Here you go. - Oh, gosh. Shh.
Nothing works with this child.
Oh, God, what am I gonna do, you guys?
I can't even comfort my own baby.
I'm the worst mother ever.
No, you're just new at this.
You'll get better.
Now, think about your first day at work.
That couldn't have been easy, but you figured that out.
Yeah, I don't think dressing provocatively
is going to help me here.
Oh, God. Just please take her.
Okay, I'll take her.
I have to go to the bathroom.
I have to go scream into a pillow.
Bouncy.
♪ Bouncy baby ♪
♪ Oh baby baby ♪
♪ Oh baby baby ♪♪
[Emma stops crying] Have I gone deaf?
It worked.
♪ Oh baby baby baby ♪
♪ Oh baby baby baby ♪♪
You must be a fireball in bed.
Huh, I can't believe it.
She's asleep.
I got her to go to sleep.
I have actual magical powers.
I can, I can hear traffic and birds.
I can hear the voices in my head again.
I'm kidding.
Oh, my God.
You got her to stop cryin'.
Yes, I did.
I'm Monica, Super Aunt.
You are the official baby-crier-stopper.
Yes, I am.
You're never leaving the apartment.
Say what?
That's your new job.
Day or night, she starts crying, I need you here.
Oh, no, no, no.
Alright, well, uh, thankfully
you don't need me at all, so...okay.
Hey, Super Aunt, see you later.
Rachel, let's give it six to eight months.
Okay, so listen, I'm gonna go lay down.
What?
You know, the book says that whenever she's sleeping
I should be sleeping. So..
- Hey. - Shh.
We just got her to go to sleep.
Oh, so th-there can't be any yelling?
No.
- We're movin' to Tulsa. - What?
Shh! Shh!
I can't, I can't hear.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
Where have you been?
[gasps]
What happened to you?
Uh, I had a little thing with Joey.
If you think this is bad, you should see him.
Oh, no, Ross, this is not good.
Please, we have to talk about this Joey thing.
Please sit.
Alright, you have got..
...to get over this Joey thing.
Okay, I never really
wanted to marry Joey, okay?
Okay.
You know what I really, really want?
What, Rach?
I wanna sleep.
I wanna eat.
I wanna take a shower.
I mean, before she wakes up and we got to do this
all over again.
Right.
I mean, 'cause I-I got news for you, mister.
Emma? Not easy.
Well...that's what I'm here for, so..
[Emma crying]
- Want me to get that? - No, that's really okay.
Monica.
I got it, got it, got it.
[instrumental music]
You know, uh, I've been thinkin' about this
and I got to tell you, it's not my fault.
It's a natural instinct.
What are you guys talkin' about?
Hey, okay, what would you do if I did this?
[theme music]