[sighs]
Ah, that feels so-o-o good.
Well, lucky me.
Coffee and a live sex show.
- Wha.. I'm sorry, what? - Huh?
Oh, I'm sorry, uh, nothing, I was just, uh
I was just reading to Emma.
From "Cosmo?"
Yeah, yeah, it's, uh..
"...Climax your way to better skin."
So I have to go shopping today
which is my least favorite thing.
I'm so bad at picking out clothes.
So you need someone who knows fashion
to, uh, tell you what looks good.
Not me, not me, not me..
- Oh, hey, Rach? - Yeah?
Maybe you could take Charlie shoppin'.
Oh, well..
I'm sure you have better things to do.
Are you kiddin'? Rachel loves to shop.
And she has great taste.
Yeah, she's the one that taught me
you don't wear white after Labor Day
and that you always, always, always
have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help.
Okay, yeah, let's, let's shop.
Okay, you are going to come back
with some very classy clothes.
[chuckles] And some slutty lingerie. Slutty.
[chuckles] Okay, great.
Alright, bye.
Pain in the ass.
That's off, right?
- What's the matter, Pheebs? - Oh..
Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight
and he's gonna be there.
And she was, like, "Oh, don't worry.
I asked him and he's totally okay with seeing you."
So now, I have to go so he'll think
that I'm totally okay with seeing him.
Which you're not because you're totally hung up on him.
Exactly.
And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out
so you're gonna have to look fabulous.
I didn't even think about that.
Ah! Sexual politics!
H-hey, Pheebs, I-I-I'm taking Charlie shopping.
Why don't you come and I'll help you find something?
- Okay, that'd be great. - Oh, isn't that nice?
The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together.
That's not what we're gonna do.
Why would you ruin it? Who was I hurtin'?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Wow. Fortunately, she has a very pretty face.
Oh, I still can't believe this.
My uterus is an inhospitable environment?
I've always tried so hard to be a good hostess!
Well, I can't believe my sperm have low motility
because let me tell you, while I was growing up
they sure seemed to be in a hurry to get places.
- 'Hi, there.' - Hi.
Well, I'm sorry there wasn't better news
from your tests last week, but, uh,
I wanted to talk to you
about your options.
Okay.
Well, first of all, even though
your chances of conceiving through natural means
aren't great, you never know.
So keep having sex on a regular basis.
Ah, damn it!
Don't worry, after a while, you'll
you'll tune it out.
'Well, given your situation'
the options with the greatest chances for success
would be surrogacy
or insemination using a sperm donor.
Okay.
And, of course, if you feel
that neither of those is right for you
you could always adopt.
Is that a hint?
Because we love you, Dr. Connolly
but we don't think we want you to be our child.
Wow, talk about an inhospitable environment.
[instrumental music]
Hi. Okay.
You ready to go pick up Phoebe and go shopping?
Oh, yeah. Let's do it.
Alright, have a good time.
Not gonna find any clothes in there.
- Hey, you guys. - Hi.
Guess who's up for keynote speaker
at the National Paleontology Conference?
Uh, Chris Bailey.
[scoff] Yeah, right.
When was the last time he made a submission
deadline for an abstract?
[laughing]
Well, why are you laughing?
Just seeing what it would be like
to be a paleontologist.
It's fun. Yeah.
So you're up for keynote speaker.
- Yeah. - Who's making the decision?
Professor Sherman. Yeah. I'm meeting with him today.
Oh, he's a pretty tough guy to impress.
Yeah, well, I think I know how to dazzle him.
Oh? You're not gonna do a magic trick, are ya?
[scoffs] No.
- Hey, guys. - Wait a minute, you guys.
I-I wanna ask you something.
I-I may get, uh
to speak at this paleontology convention.
If I do, I-I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
I think, I can safely say
that we all have family issues
work stuff and/or are sick.
- It's in Barbados. - But you come first.
I'm there.
- We'll see you guys. Bye. - Okay, bye.
- Bye. - See ya.
Hey.
Alright, so? How did it go at the fertility clinic?
Not as much fun as last time.
Apparently, you only get porn
if you're giving a sperm sample.
So, uh, so what did the doctor say?
Well, there's surrogacy
but Monica's dreamt her whole life
of carrying a child and she just felt
that watching a surrogate would be too hard for her.
So you're ruling out surrogacy?
Yeah.
So I don't have to learn what that means?
Aside from adoption, the only other choice
is insemination, so..
...we're talking about sperm donors.
Enough said, I'm there for you, man.
- Where is she? Upstairs? - Ah-ha.
How do you feel about all this?
Oh, I wish there was an easier way for us
to have a child, but I don't think there is one.
Come on, Ross. Be a good guy.
Step up and do it.
What?
What? No! I'm not gonna give them Ben!
[instrumental music]
The data we're receiving from MRI scans
and DNA testing of these fossils are-are staggering.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, we've been accepting
Leakey's dates as-as a given.
But if they're off by even a 100,000 years or so
then, you can, you can just throw most of our assumptions
you know, right in the trash!
So, so what I'm saying is, is..
...is that..
...is that, uh, r..
"...repercussions
could, could be huge."
I mean, not just in-in paleontology
but i-if you think about it in-in "evolutionary biology"
uh, "genetics," uh, "geology."
I mean, truly, the-the mind boggles.
[snoring]
Well, that's not what you want.
[instrumental music]
- Incentive for men? - Oh, I'll take some of that.
- Pheebs, that's for men. - No, I know.
But this way when I go to the party later
Mike will know I'm over him 'cause I'm gonna smell
like another guy.
Yeah. Okay.
[sniffs]
Oh, good. I'm dating a Russian cabdriver.
Seriously, does anyone buy this?
I smell like beets.
So you know what, I really like those jackets
with the shoulder pads in 'em.
Where do you think those would be?
Um, on Melanie Griffith
in "Working Girl."
Um, I think what you want is over here.
See? I told you I needed someone.
Oh, you know, by the way, as a thank you
I would really love to take you out.
- Really? - Yeah.
Actually, Joey and I are going to a movie tonight.
- You wanna come? - Oh, I can't.
Because I-I, I've seen them.
You've seen all the movies?
Yeah!
I'm a big fan..
...of the movies.
You know, motion pictures.
The talkies.
Hey, Rach, will you come with me to-to a dressing room?
- Sure. - Okay.
Well, um, you know
maybe we can do something else.
Well, you know, that depends on what it is.
I've done a lot of stuff.
So now, what were you doing out there?
Do you not like Charlie?
She's, she's okay. I just.. I don't know.
I just don't get a really good vibe from her.
- Why? - I don't know.
You know, just the way she waltzed in here
all...smart and..
...tall. You know?
And just swept Joey off his feet.
I mean, nobody else has a chance.
Who else?
Anybody.
You..
...me..
...you know, Monica's mom.
- You like Joey? - Shh! Phoebe.
Alright, look, I have, I have a little thing for him.
- Just.. - Oh, my God!
It's just physical and I have it
totally under control, okay?
It's just..
...when I see them together sometimes
I-I just, I get a little jealous.
Ah, wow.
Isn't it ironic that he liked you and now you like--
I get it!
Oh, alright, as long as it's under control.
You know, I mean, you can't do anything about it.
He's already dating her and she is a nice person.
- That wouldn't be right. - Oh, I know, I know.
So it-it's just not a big deal.
So can we keep this between us?
- Sure, sure. - Okay, okay.
Great. 'Cause I gotta get outta here.
The smell of beets is killing me.
Oh.
Any-any chance Charlie has a deaf twin?
Mmm.
[instrumental music]
- Hi, honey. - Hey.
Look, I brought a friend home for dinner.
- This is Zack from work. - Oh, of course!
It's so nice to see you again, Zack.
You too.
Well, you guys haven't actually met before
but, boy, you're both polite.
Why don't you have a seat, Zack? I'll get you a beer.
- I got it. - Thanks.
So Zack's pretty nice, huh?
Yeah, I guess.
So, how would you like to have a baby
that's half yours and half his?
Excuse me?
Well, we're talking about sperm donors
and Zack may be the guy. I mean, look.
'He's intelligent, he's healthy'
he's athletic, I mean..
He's sperm-tastic.
Well, Chandler, this is crazy.
Well, what did you even say to him?
Come up. Meet my wife.
Give us your sperm.
No, I invited him to dinner so you could
get a chance to get to know him, you know.
I mean, if we go through a sperm bank, you never
meet the guy, get to check him out.
- Chandler.. - I'm telling you, he's great.
I mean, even if my sperm worked fine
I think he'd be the way to go.
I'm not going to be a part of this.
You can't just bring some random guy home
and expect him to be our sperm donor.
- Okay. - Mm.
- Zack. - Thanks.
Do you, uh, do you have a coaster?
I don't wanna make a ring.
Tell me about yourself, Zack.
[instrumental music]
Oh, God, do you think she heard?
Oh, it'd be so bad if she heard.
Well, maybe she didn't hear.
Okay, I'm gonna go into that dressing room
you stay in here and I'll talk.
- See if you can hear me. - Okay, great.
(Rachel) 'Oh, thank God, I can't hear a word that you're saying.'
I didn't say anything yet.
Well, get back in there and talk.
(Phoebe) 'I'm Rachel, it's so annoying'
'when I put Emma on the phone'
'to talk with my friends.'
What?
Well, some things are just hard to say to your face.
Okay, well, I heard that.
Which means that she heard it too.
[gasps] We have a problem.
Oh, what are we gonna do?
- Just be honest with her. - Oh, my God.
And it is annoying when parents put their babies on the phone.
Alright, enough outta you!
[instrumental music]
[telephone ringing]
- Hello? - Joey, hey.
I need to talk to Charlie. Is she there?
No. She, uh, she went shopping with Rachel. Why? What's up?
Well, I'm meeting with Professor Sherman
about my being the keynote speaker..
Oh. How's it going?
It could be better.
- He, um, he fell asleep! - What?
But I already bought my ticket to Bermuda.
- Barbados. - Fine.
I'll rent a car and drive.
Ross, you have to get that job.
Well, what am I supposed to do? He's out cold.
In fact, he-he was just talking in his sleep before
and evidently, he wants someone named Fran to spank him harder.
- W-well, just wake him up. - I can't.
If he realizes that I'm the one who put him to sleep
I won't get the job.
(Joey on phone) 'Ooh, that's a tough one.'
Oh, wait a minute.
This happened to me before.
Yeah, I was auditioning for a play
and the producer fell asleep. I..
No...wait a minute.
It was me who fell asleep.
Yeah, I mean, hey, Shakespeare
how about a chase scene once in a while?
[instrumental music]
Hey, guys, dinner's ready.
Well, I'm gonna go wash up first.
Thanks.
So what do you think? I want this guy's genes for my kid.
Those eyes, those cheekbones.
Okay, there's enthusiastic and there's just plain gay.
- You don't like him. - I think he's fine.
It's just that we don't know anything real about him.
Wish we could get more information.
Alright, just follow my lead.
You guys have such a great place here.
Oh, thanks, I'm crazy about our place.
Hey, speaking of crazy..
...do you have a history of mental illness in the family?
Uh, no.
Although I did have an uncle who voted for Dukakis.
That's really not the kind of thing
we're looking for, Zack.
Okay.
So, um, so tell me. How'd you guys meet?
Oh, friends first, drunk in London, you know the story.
'I've got a better question for you.'
Do you or any of your
blood relatives have diabetes?
- No. - Uh, heart disease?
Alzheimer's? Gout?
You guys don't have people over for dinner a lot, huh?
Oh, we were just making conversation.
Yeah, well, okay.
Oh, I heard a joke today, it's pretty funny.
You know what's not funny? Male pattern baldness.
Alright, listen, you guys have shown a lot of interest
in me tonight and I'm flattered.
And-and quite frankly, a little frightened.
Can we just talk about something else?
- Sure. - Alright.
This ravioli's delicious.
I notice you're enjoying that ravioli
with a beautiful set of teeth.
Did you have braces as a child?
- No, I didn't. - Yes!
We're teeth people, Zack!
[instrumental music]
Alright, let's just do it.
Let's just go over there
and just see if she heard.
- Good plan. Okay. - Okay.
Wha.. Where..
- Where are you going? - Oh, I'm sorry, Rachel.
I don't have time for your childish games, okay?
I still have to go find something
incredible to wear so I can beat Mike
at who's more over who!
[clears throat]
- Hey! Hi! Hey! - Hey!
- Where have you been? - Oh, trying on clothes.
Oh? Re..
In the, in the dressing room? Well, that's so weird.
Phoebe and I were just trying on clothes in the dressing room.
Gosh, it's such a, such a small world.
Rachel, I heard you two guys whispering.
Oh, God, you did, you heard.
Um, okay, listen.. Let-let me explain.
No, there's nothing to explain. I heard you.
Phoebe likes Joey.
Yeah.
I just, I don't understand it.
I mean, Phoebe likes Joey
and then she comes here to buy a dress
to impress another guy?
Yeah, yeah, that's Phoebe, that's Phoebe.
You know, she just wants them all.
It's like she's nympho.
- Wow. - Yeah.
You know, by the way
I heard you tell her not to do anything.
Thanks for sticking up for me.
God, you are such a nice person.
I try.
[instrumental music]
[snoring]
[snoring continues]
[creaking]
Ooh!
Oh, my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker?
Thank you!
You're welcome.
[instrumental music]
Wow, you look..
...stop eatin' hot.
Which is, like, the highest level of hotness.
Okay. Are you sure?
'Cause I am really dreading going to this party.
- Then don't go. - Mike knows I'm coming!
If I don't show up, he'll think it's 'cause of him!
And then, I'm gonna lose face.
That's a very serious thing
in my culture.
Alright.
Then you go to that party and you-you
pretend to be over Mike.
And afterward, you come to my place
and I'll get you good and drunk.
You got it. Okay.
But-but not on the wine that you made, okay?
'Cause I just don't wanna go back to the emergency room.
Okay.
David?
Phoebe.
- Hi. - Oh, my God.
[chuckles] Hi.
Wow.
You look unbelievable.
Oh, yeah, well..
Wha..
What are you, what are you doing here?
Well, I-I'm back from Minsk.
Uh-uh, permanently.
Well, what happened?
Well, remember how I was trying to achieve
the positronic distillation
of subatomic particles?
Yeah.
Well, after eight years of research
I discovered..
...that it-it can't be done.
Well..
...it's great that you're back.
- How are you? - Good, good.
- Life is good. - Good.
Um, well, I'm-I'm, uh
I'm-I'm seeing someone.
Oh, good-good for you.
Yeah? She-she's also a scientist.
So she's very smart and-and pretty, and, um..
Well, it's actually because of you, really
that we're together.
I mean, I saw what you had
with that Mike guy
and I just said
boy, I want that.
Mike and I broke up.
You're kidding me.
Because I-I-I'm not seeing anybody.
I just totally made that up.
- Really? - Yeah.
I-I don't know why. I'm sorry.
I guess I just
didn't want to lose face.
I understand.
Yeah.
Okay, so then, okay..
So we're both living in New York..
...not seeing anyone.
- That's so not like us. - Yeah, I know.
Well..
Well, this is probably a stupid question
seeing that you look like that, but, um
do you have someplace that you need to be right now?
Well..
No.
Well, do you wanna get a drink?
I'd love to.
- Great. - Okay.
Uh, do-do you smell beets?
Oh, alright, stay upwind of me.
Hey, there's Phoebe.
Is that Mike she's with?
No, that's David.
There's a third guy?
Tip of the iceberg.
Oh.
[instrumental music]
I'm gonna take off now.
You're gonna let me go home, aren't you?
You sure you don't wanna stick around a little longer?
No, no, I should, I should get home. I'm kinda tired.
Are you just tired now or are you always tired?
'Cause that could be a sign of clinical depression.
No, it's just tiring having to figure out the age
at which all my grandparents died.
- I'll see you tomorrow. - Okay.
(Monica) 'Bye.'
I think we found our sperm.
He does seem pretty perfect.
Yeah? You think so?
Well, should I ask him?
- No. - 'Why not?'
Just because his great-grandmother was obese?
Our kid's gonna get that from you anyway.
No, that's not it.
It's just that when we were asking him
all those questions before, I just..
[sighs] ...I just realized I don't care
if he is the most perfect guy in the world.
- He's not you. - Yeah! He's better!
No, he's not.
And if I can't get pregnant with you
then I don't want to get pregnant by him
or anyone else.
Really? Are-are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure. - Oh, thank God.
Because I don't wanna do this either.
You know, I was just doing it because I thought
that was what you wanted to do. You know, I'm the husband.
I'm supposed to bring the sperm.
That is so sweet.
I love you.
So, you know, this leaves us with..
Adoption.
How do you feel about that?
I think I feel okay about it.
Actually, I-I, I think I feel really good about it.
Me too.
I wanna find a baby that needs a home
and I wanna raise it with you.
[sighs] And I wanna mess it up
in our own specific way.
So th-this is it? We're, we're really going to adopt?
Yeah.
Oh, my God, we're gonna be parents!
We are gonna be great parents.
And it could be soon. I mean, I mean, think about it.
Right now, somewhere out there
our baby could be being conceived.
Wait, if we're lucky
and we're really, really, really quiet
we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking.
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
Hey, Zack.
Hey, Chandler.
Look, I just wanted to apologize for last night.
I got the feeling we made you a little uncomfortable.
- No, you didn't. - Really?
No, you did.
Yeah, well, my wife and I have some boundary issues, you know.
We, sometimes we ask inappropriate questions.
We're workin' on it.
Here are the boards for Friday's pitch.
Oh, thank you.
You wouldn't know if Jeanette's planning
on keeping her baby, would you?
[theme music]