[instrumental music]
It's so weird. How did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night?
I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie.
Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too, okay?
But surprise!
I missed most of the party.
Charlie's a girl, right?
Yes, she's this new professor
in my department that I did not kiss.
I don't know why Joey had to kiss her.
I mean, of all the girls at the party, God!
Why do you care so much?
Yes, Rachel. Why do you care so much?
Because Ross is the father
of my child...you know?
And I want him
to hook up with lots of women.
Look, I just, all I'm saying is I don't think
that Joey and Charlie have anything in common.
I don't know, they seemed to have a shared interest
in each other's tonsils.
Wow! Joey and a professor.
Can you imagine if they had kids?
And if-if the kids got her intelligence
and Joey's raw sexual magnetism?
Those nerds would get laid.
Alright, so, uh, Ross
you're okay with all this? I mean..
Yeah, it's no big deal.
I mean, I just met her. I'm fine with it.
Oh, God, I forgot how hot she was.
I'm gonna get some more coffee.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, you know, I'll-I'll come with you.
Okay.
So a professor, huh?
Yeah. She is cool.
And she's so smart.
Her mind is totally acrimonious.
Guess that's not how she used it.
I feel like I owe you an explanation.
Uh, I don't ordinarily go around
kissing guys at parties.
I'm, uh..
Uh, well, I'm kind of embarrassed.
I really hope you don't think less of me.
No. Think less of you?
No. I don't think less of you.
I mean, you-you saw someone you liked
and you kissed them.
I mean, those people who, who like someone
and, and don't kiss them
those, those people are stupid.
I hate those people.
You know, actually, I'm a little surprised at myself.
I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date.
I mean, they're all professors, intellectuals
paleontologists mostly. You know, very cerebral--
Yeah, I know the type.
Hey, if we want to, uh, grab a bite before work
we'd better get acrimonious.
No? Am I getting close?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hi!
Hey, you guys, look what I just got.
[Rachel gasps] Oh, wow! I love those.
Where did you get them?
- I bought them off eBay. - 'Oh!'
They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.
Oh, then, I overpaid.
Hey, what's this?
Oh, it's a gift certificate
to this new spa in Soho.
Oh, well, you can't show Phoebe this.
She hates those corporate massage chains.
Oh, what, now I can't get a massage?
There are so many things that she disapproves of.
I can't eat veal.
I can't wear fur.
I can't go hunting.
[chuckles] Do you wanna go hunting?
Well, I would like to have the option.
What's that? Hey, Rachel!
Wha..
No, you can't go there!
You know how I feel about these big massage places.
They're putting people like me out of business.
And she wants to go hunting too.
Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it.
It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks.
Okay, this is not about the money, okay?
It's-it's about, it's about corporate greed
destroying our hearts and leaving us
the-the hollow shells!
I don't care about any of that.
Well, do you care about friendship?
I feel really strongly about this, Rachel.
Please don't use this gift certificate.
I'm asking you as a friend.
Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe.
Fine, I won't use it.
- Promise? - I promise.
- Thank you. - Well, I am going hunting.
[instrumental music]
Hey, honey.
- I missed you today. - 'Oh, yeah?'
Yeah. Hey.
What do you wanna do tonight?
Oh, well, uh, maybe we could..
Okay, trying to turn me on by making a mess?
[chuckles]
Know your audience.
Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests.
And until then, you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank.
Do we really need to take those tests?
Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year.
I just think it's a good idea to find out if everything's okay.
Just a few routine tests.
But I don't wanna do it in a cup.
What is the big deal?
It's weird. You're in a doctor's office.
It's not okay to do it in a doctor's office
but it is okay to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell?
I cannot believe Ross told you that.
And in my defense, it was a Wendy's.
Look, I don't wanna do these tests either
but I really do think it's a good idea.
Yeah, okay, I'm sure a doctor's office can't be worse
than on a class trip to the Hershey factory.
[gasps]
Oh, yeah! Rachel talks too!
[instrumental music]
Who says wine has to cost more than milk?
[knocking on door]
- Hey. - Hi.
Come on in. How are you?
- I'm good. - Can I offer you a drink?
Please.
I have been crazed all day.
I had a meeting with the dean
and my syllabus for summer school is due
and I'm writing the foreword for a friend's book.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, I had a pretty hectic day at work too.
Today I had to open a door and go..
[gasps]
So I am just so excited to be here.
I mean, I cannot wait to start exploring the city.
Mm-hmm. Hey, if you need a tour guide..
Oh, you mean it?
That would be so fun.
Oh, yeah, definitely. Definitely, okay.
Uh, what do you wanna see first?
Uh, well..
...we could go see the Kronos Quartet
at Avery Fisher Hall.
Okay.
And, uh...oh, there's a collection
of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library.
I know. Yeah.
[Charlie sighs]
Um, but first
I have to see the Met.
Okay, let me stop you right there.
The Mets suck, okay?
You wanna see the Yankees.
[chuckles] No, no, not the Mets.
The Met. Singular.
Which one? They all suck.
The museum.
I don't think so.
[instrumental music]
- Hi there. - Hello.
Welcome to Lavender Day Spa.
How may I help you?
Oh. Um, hi. I'm, uh..
I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green.
And here is my gift certificate.
This has been torn up.
And...taped back together.
Okay, well, I'll call you as soon as
your massage therapist is ready.
Have a seat through the glass doors.
Through the glass doors.
Alrighty then.
Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room.
Okay. Do we have to talk like that when they're not around?
Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
Listen..
...is there someone who can fill in for me?
Sorry, everyone is booked.
But that woman can't know that I work here.
She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink
about how awful these massage chains are.
Then why do you work here?
Because it's good money.
But that doesn't change the fact
that this is an evil
bloodsucking corporate machine.
Well, I think this is a great place to work.
[whispering] Okay, are they listening?
[instrumental music]
- Ross, hey. - Hi.
I, uh, I need to talk to you about Charlie.
Oh, do you? Do you really?
Yeah, I'm, uh, I'm kind of having a little problem.
Look, if you don't know what the word acrimonious means
just don't use it.
No, look, you know Charlie, right?
She's cool, she's funny. Her body is so--
- Get to the problem. - Right.
She's just so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated.
Combined.
You know? And I-I just..
I don't want her to think I'm stupid.
Are you wearing two belts?
Hey, what do you know?
You were saying you didn't want to seem stupid.
Right, right, right.
Well, she, well, she wants to go
to all these cultural places
and I don't know how to talk about that stuff.
You gotta help me out.
You know, I-I really don't wanna
get involved in your guys' relationship.
Oh, dude, please. Come on.
You're the smartest person I know.
And-and I really like this girl, okay?
I, I don't wanna lose her.
- Fine. - Thanks.
Okay, let's see.
Oh, y-you should take her to the Met.
The Mets.
No, no, no. The Met.
The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Oh, that's what she meant.
You know what, if they're gonna shorten it
they should call it the Muse, you know?
Short for museum and avoid all the confusion.
Yeah, yeah, most days the place is packed
with confused, angry baseball fans.
Well, okay.
Alright, so I-I'll take her to the Met.
Yeah. Uh, ooh, ooh, okay.
There's this great rare bookstore
on Madison Avenue. You should..
You know what? She loves architecture.
You know what you should do?
You should take a walk down fifth
to the St. Patrick's Cathedral.
And there, there's this great little, uh
pastry shop that she'd love.
Geez, Ross, sounds like you should
be going on this date.
But I'm not.
- And you know what? If you're-- - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow-slow down. You're going way too fast, okay?
- Let's go back to the Met. - Okay.
So you got to tell me exactly
what to do there.
Okay, when you walk into the museum
take a right, okay? That's the antiquities wing.
Uh, ancient Egypt, uh, Mesopotamia
up to the Byzantine Empire.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[chuckles] Okay.
So I walk in the door, I make a right.
[instrumental music]
I have a weird feeling about this place.
I mean, how do I know they're not gonna secretly videotape me
and put it all over the Internet?
Because, honey, and-and I mean this
in the sweetest way possible
nobody's gonna wanna watch that.
Mr. Bing, here you are.
You'll go into that room and deposit
your specimen into the container.
Deposit my specimen.
You know, I usually have to call a 900 number
for that kind of talk.
Thanks. Got it.
Alright, honey, my tests are down the hall.
Are you sure you're gonna be okay?
Yeah, I guess.
Now, look, I know this is embarrassing
but nobody cares.
No one here even knows you.
Oh...my...God!
Oh, come on!
[instrumental music]
[laughing]
How great is this?
Yeah, we're probably fertile. Let's go home.
Why are you here?
Well, Sid and I are trying again
and we had trouble last time because apparently--
No, no, no, I mean, why?
Why is she here?
Oh, someone's a little cranky today
'cause they have to do it in a cup.
Oh, they gave you the kiddie size.
What?
[laughing]
This, this was fun
but I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to.
I'd love to stay, but, I've, uh
got a hot date.
Please go.
Just let me know if you need a hand.
[laughs]
I think it just fell off.
[instrumental music]
(Phoebe) 'Hello, ja.'
It's time for your massage, ja.
Put-put your face in the hole.
Well..
...a Swedish massage
from a real Swedish person.
Okay, then I'm Swedish.
(Rachel) So what's your name?
It's a normal Swedish name..
...Ikea.
(Rachel) Whoa, what an interesting name?
- Ja. - You know, I kind of--
Uh, time for your scalp massage.
Hey!
Wow! I really love your..
[gasps]
I-is something wrong?
No, it's just, um..
...it just feels so good..
...Ikea.
Well, hey, say, you'll know this.
What's the capital of Sweden?
Um, Stockholm.
Damn, I wish I knew if that was right.
[instrumental music]
Note the painterly lines
and subtle impasto on this canvas.
Monet painted quickly and usually outdoors
as his elusive subject was...light itself.
Now, do you have any idea what you just said?
No, no, my mouth says the words
my brain is thinking monster trucks.
(Ross) Wow.
Okay, now, remember, when you get to the museum
Monet is-is not spelled M-O-N-A-Y.
I just, I wrote that out phonetically for you.
Phonetically?
Yeah, yeah, that mean, you know..
We just, we don't have time for this. Okay.
But you know what, I got to say, I'm really impressed
that-that you were able to memorize all this so quickly.
[scoffs] I'm an actor.
I can memorize anything.
Last week on "Days," I had to say
frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy.
Wow. What-what does that mean?
No idea.
But, uh, the guy I said it to, dies in the next scene
so...I guess it means you're gonna get eaten by a bear.
Okay. Um..
So let's move on to the, uh, to the Renaissance.
Okay.
Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here
to highlight the anguish of the central figure.
Touch it. It's really bumpy.
Nuh-uh, uh-uh. No, no, no.
No ad-libbing, and, dude
you-you can't touch the paintings.
- Come on-- - No, no!
[instrumental music]
My specimen's in the room.
And I just want to thank whoever knocked on the door
while I was in there.
Really helped speed the process along.
Janice, you're not gone?
Oh, Sid is still in his room.
I don't allow porn at home.
So this is like a vacation for him.
[laughs]
So did you do it? Did you make your deposit?
Yeah, yeah. Hard part's over.
'Oh, that's not the hard part, honey.'
The hard part's what comes next.
I mean, aren't you worried about the results?
Well, I haven't even... thought about the results.
I just assumed everything was gonna be okay.
Oh, well, you know what? It probably is.
Yeah, but what if it's not okay?
I mean, what if, what if there's
a reason we can't have a baby?
Oh, Chandler, look
you and Monica are meant to have children.
I'm sure it's gonna be just fine.
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Thanks.
Oh, I can't believe I didn't even think of that.
I guess, I was so worried about having to..
...come here and do that.
Oh, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell
but you can't do it at a doctor's office?
It was a Wendy's!
[instrumental music]
♪ Eepan streepan ♪
♪ Gloopy gloppy ♪♪
And that's the Swedish national anthem.
Thank you for asking.
(Rachel) Wow, Ikea.
What a rich culture?
Um, you know what? I have a-a friend who's a masseuse.
- Oh, ja,ja? - Ja.
She's, uh, not very good, though.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
And why do you think that is?
(Rachel) 'I don't know.'
'Maybe it's because she's got'
'such callusy fingers'
from playing crummy guitar.
Ha ha ha.
Or maybe she has trouble
loosening your knots because you're
such a high-maintenance tight ass.
- Phoebe! - You know it's me?
Well, for like a half an hour.
Man, you can lie about Sweden.
How-how can you come here?
How could you not tell me you worked here?
I don't have to tell you everything.
Y-yes you do, if you're gonna make me
feel guilty for getting a free massage.
- Tip's not included. - Oh!
Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?
Because I was ashamed, okay?
I sold out for the cash.
And they, and they give me benefits
like medical and dental and a 401k.
But, you know, you pay a price.
Now, I'm this corporate stooge
and-and...punching a clock, and
ugh, paying taxes.
Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much
you should walk out there
right now...and quit.
'Be true to what you believe in.'
Honey, you have principles and I so admire that.
I don't have any.
You know what? You're right.
- 'Yeah.' - I am gonna quit.
It's time I took my life back.
- Good for you, Pheebs. - Okay.
[whispering] If you guys have microphones in there too
I didn't mean any of that.
I love you.
[instrumental music]
Aha! Gotcha.
Die! Die! Die!
[gunfire]
Respectively, Professor R. Geller.
- Hey. - Hi.
Hey, how was, how was the Met?
Oh, the museum was amazing.
Yeah? Yeah, Joey really knows his art, huh?
Not so much, no.
Uh, he had clearly memorized all this stuff to say
and some of it didn't even make any sense.
- What do you mean? - Well, for one.
He was talking about paintings that were nowhere around.
Wait a minute. When..
When you guys walked into the Met
did-did you go to the right?
- No, no, we went to the left. - Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey.
Well, still, I mean, seems like
you guys are having a great time together.
Yeah. Yeah, i-it's fun.
What?
[sighs] Actually, you know, Joey's your friend
and-and you don't really know me that well.
It would be weird.
Well, I mean, a little.
But, no. What? Go on.
Uh, well, um..
I'm just thinking that maybe Joey isn't the right guy
for me to be with right now.
You know, maybe I should..
...be with someone..
[sighs]
...I have more in common with.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Well, but you know what?
Um..
I don't know, I think, I think
you should give Joey a chance.
I mean, he's a great guy.
And sure, he doesn't know that much about art
but, you know, you could always talk about that
with someone else.
Yeah, I guess that's true.
And if you think about it, I mean
the reason he memorized all that stuff
because he thought it was important to you.
You know, that's the kind of guy Joey is.
He is very sweet.
Plus, he is hot!
That-that was gonna be my next argument.
- Hey. - Hey.
- You ready?
- Yeah, let's go. - Wow!
[chuckles]
- 'Thanks, Ross.' - Yep.
Hey, Ross. That art stuff worked. You hooked me up.
- Glad I could help, man. - 'Yeah.'
Although some of the stuff wasn't where you said it was
gonna be, but I made it work.
[instrumental music]
It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now.
[telephone ringing]
Hello?
Oh, hi, Dr. Connelly.
Uh, no, well, she's not here
but, uh...you know, I can tell her.
Should I be sitting down for this?
Oh.
Uh-huh.
Well, so what does that mean?
Okay. Uh, okay.
Thank you. Thanks.
- Hey, sweetie. - Dr. Connelly just called.
Oh, with-with good news? Of course, it's not good news.
You just said, "Dr. Connelly just called."
If it was good news you would have said
"Dr. Connelly just called!"
But, um, so what-what is it?
Is it, um, is there a problem?
Is there a problem with me or, or with you?
Actually, it's both of us.
What?
Apparently, my sperm have low motility
and...you have an inhospitable environment.
Oh.
Well, uh, what does that mean?
It means that my guys won't get off their BarcaLoungers
and you have a uterus that is prepared
to kill the ones that do.
- It means-- - Wait, Chandler.
It means that we can keep trying..
...but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.
[sniffling]
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry too.
[instrumental music]
Well..
...we're gonna, we're gonna figure this out.
[music continues]
Yeah.
I know.
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
Good morning, Phoebe.
Good morning, receptionist.
Here's your schedule for the day.
Your first client is in room number one.
"R-Rachel Green?"
Son of a bitch! She came back?
[sighs]
Are you ready for your Scottish massage?
Put your face in the hole, lassie.
[theme music]