Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night?
Oh, well, let me see.
I believe I'm..
...yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.
Well, my agent hooked me up with six tickets
to a great play.
I could fall asleep at a play.
What is it?
It's a one-woman play called
"Why Don't You Like Me?
"A Bitter Woman's
Journey Through Life."
That sounds interesting.
Yeah, that does sound interesting.
I mean, to listen to a woman
complain for two hours.
I don't think it gets bett..
[snores]
I know, I know. We can drive.
We can vote, we can work. What more do these broads want?
Well, you guys are gonna have a great time, I promise.
What? H-how come you don't have to go?
Oh, I wish I could, but I just found out that I have to be
at work really early the next day, so, I can't go.
But, you know, take the extra ticket
and invite whoever you want.
Ooh, let's see, who do I hate?
[Rachel clears throat]
Oh, sorry.
- Oops, sorry. - Okay.
- Okay.
- Up we go. - Oh, gosh. Okay.
[Rachel babbling]
- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
Do you think it's possible
um, for two friends to-to fool around
and-and not have it be a big deal?
No, I don't think that ever works.
Why?
- No reason. - No, no.
- Rachel? - Yeah?
Who do you wanna fool around with?
Nobody! Forget it.
[whispers] Joey?
[whispers] Maybe.
- You can't. - Why?
[indistinct whispering]
Okay, seriously, I did not understand a word you just said.
- In the hall. - Okay.
You want to fool around with Joey?
Yeah, you know what, ever since
I had that dream about him
I can't get it out of my head.
I mean, what's the big deal? People do it all the time.
Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around?
Okay. Off the top of my head...Don and Janet.
Oh, who are they?
I, uh, I know them from work.
- Both of them? - No, one of them.
Which one?
I don't know. What were the names I just said?
You know, Rachel, things could get incredibly complicated.
Alright, alright, alright. You're right.
I won't do anything with Joey. I just thought it would be..
Okay, so that would be two cups of tarragon
one pound of baking soda and one red onion?
What the hell are you cooking?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - 'Hey.'
Oh, you guys won't believe
what I have to do for work today.
Yes, but Ross, you chose a career
of talking about dinosaurs.
There are these two professors
who are joining my department
and, uh, I have to meet them here
and show them around campus.
What's so bad about that?
Well, I just know they're gonna be a couple
of old windbags wearing tweed jackets
with suede elbow patches.
Ross.
What? These aren't suede.
Excuse me.
Um, I'm looking for someone.
You don't by any chance know a Ross Geller?
No.
Wait. Hi. Hi.
I'm, I'm Ross Geller.
Oh, hi. I'm Professor Wheeler.
Oh! Oh, that's, that's, that's nice.
It's, uh, it's good to meet you.
Thank you so much for taking the time out to show me around.
Oh, no, it's no big deal.
I mean, uh, if I weren't doing this, I'd just
you know, be at the gym working out.
Is he gonna introduce us?
I think we're just blurry shapes to him now.
Um, by the way, I, I really enjoyed your paper
on the connection between geographic isolation
and rapid mutagenesis.
[chuckles] Oh.
I wrote that in one night.
Twenty bucks says they're married within the month.
We should probably get going.
Uh, you know, we've got a lot of ground to cover.
Oh, uh, isn't there another professor
that's supposed to come with us?
I don't think so.
I'm-I'm pretty sure a Professor Spafford from Cornell?
Oh, well, he's obviously late
and the rule in my class is, if you can't come on time
then don't come at all.
An option that many of my students use.
Shall we?
You don't think we should wait for him?
Oh, you know what? He's a big boy.
I'm sure he'll find us, okay?
- Professor Geller? - Oh, damn it!
[instrumental music]
[telephone beeps]
[recorded message] 'Hi, Joey. It's Jan Rogers.'
'Can't wait for your party tonight.'
'Listen, I forgot your address.'
'Can you give me a call? Thanks. Bye.'
[telephone beeps]
Hey.
- Hey. - What's happening?
Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it
to that one-woman show tonight.
Oh, I'd love to, but I got to get up so early the next day.
You know, you know me, work comes first.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hmm.
[recorded message] 'Hi, Joey. It's Jan Rogers.'
'Can't wait for your party tonight..'
Stupid Jan Rogers!
You are having a party tonight?
Kind of having a, a thing
for the "Days Of Our Lives" people.
'And you weren't going to tell us?'
How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
I do it every year.
You do that every year!
I didn't have to tell you that!
God, I'm stupider than Jan Rogers!
[gasps] That's why you got us tickets to that play.
- To get rid of us. - Yeah.
Uh, and last year, is that why you sent us to that
Medieval Times Restaurant?
Yeah.
[gasps]
And the year before that
when you set up that night-time
tour of that button factory?
I can't believe you guys went for that one.
Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties?
Well, you're fine, okay?
But everyone else acts like an idiot
around famous people.
Well, then so just invite me.
Please, I was trying to be nice. You're the worst one.
Oh, Joey, come on, please, please, let me come.
I will behave, I promise.
I will behave. Please, please, please--
Okay, okay, okay, fine, you can come.
But don't tell anybody else.
It's up on the roof at eight.
[gasps] A soap opera roof party!
I'm going to a soap opera roof party!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
And it's out of my system.
[instrumental music]
And then my wife and I went on a cruise
to the Galapagos.
There was a seafood buffet
you wouldn't believe.
There were clams..
...and mussels..
...and oysters..
...and cracked crab..
...and snow crab..
...and king crab.
It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
So, where did you get your undergraduate degree?
And that's not all I'm allergic to.
Oh, it's not over.
I'm also allergic to peanuts
and cashews
and almonds and filberts--
So, basically all nuts.
Interestingly, no.
Kind of playing it fast and loose
with the word interesting.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to use the restroom.
Oh, my God!
I've lost the will to live.
- Let's ditch him. - What?
Come on, while he's still in the bathroom.
- I'm begging you. - O-okay, okay, fine.
But, um, I just have one question for you.
Um, when we exit, should we walk or run
or prance, or stroll?
Stop it! Stop it!
He talks slow, but he might pee fast.
Okay? Let's go.
[instrumental music]
Oh, hey, you guys, uh, this is Charlie.
'Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister Monica.'
- Hi. - Yeah.
Charlie's gonna be, uh
joining my department.
Oh, you're a paleontologist too?
Oh, okay, now, what do you think of, um
Renyard's new theory of species variegation
in segmented arthropods?
Well, I think he's a little out there
but he does have some interesting ideas.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
[cell phone ringing]
Oh, I'm sorry. I have to take this. Excuse me.
Renyard's theory of species variegation?
Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table
and memorized the title to freak you out.
So, did, did you two have fun?
Oh, oh, my God. She's-she's great.
I mean, we-we have so much in common
and she's just cool, you know, and funny.
And I don't know if you've noticed, but she's a hottie!
[high-pitched] Hi!
- Hey. - 'Hey.'
Hi, you guys. Listen, you know what?
I'm not feeling really well
and I don't think I'm going to get to go to the play.
- Really? What's, what's wrong? - Well, I don't know.
I think it's kind of serious.
Um, you know, I was watching
this thing on TV this morning
about Newcastle disease
and I think I might have it.
Uh, Newcastle disease is a secretion-borne virus
that only affects chickens and other poultry.
Okay, who's this?
I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wheeler.
- Uh, she's a colleague. - Oh, hi.
I-I would shake your hand, but, I'm-I'm sure
you don't wanna get my chicken disease.
Hey, Rachel, can I, can I see you for a second?
Sure.
[sighs]
You're not sick.
What? Yes, I am.
Okay, then why are you...all dressed up?
Wha..
When you're sick you do whatever you can
to make yourself feel better.
You just want to stay home
so you can make a move on Joey.
Oh, no, no. I heard you before.
That is so not what this is.
Okay, then what is this?
[sighs] Okay.
Joey is having a secret "Days Of Our Lives" party
up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play
to get rid of you.
What?
What? What's, what's going on?
Joey is having a secret "Days Of Our Lives"
party up on the roof!
And, and he didn't want you guys to know about it
but I came over here to tell you.
I thought you came to say you were sick.
Alright, professor or detective?
Wait, Joey's having a party
and he wasn't gonna invite us?
Yeah, he does it every year.
That's why he's sending you to the play.
That's why he sent us to that Medieval Restaurant
and to that button factory.
And that-that horrible museum tour?
No, I arranged that.
[knock on door]
Hey, you guys, I'm turning in.
Have fun.
We know about your party, Joey.
- What party? - The game's over.
Take off your robe.
Okay, I mean..
(all) No! No!
- Close it up! - 'Close it!'
Nice to meet you.
[instrumental music]
(Joey) Hey, you made it. Alright.
Hey, glad you could make it. Thanks for coming.
- Oh, my God, Kyle Lowder. - Hi.
I love you!
Hey, that's why I didn't invite you.
You have to calm down, alright?
Just go, go get yourself a drink or something.
Oh, yeah, that's what you want. My inhibitions lowered.
- Hey. - Oh, my God.
Can you believe we're surrounded by all this?
I can barely control myself.
Monica, you might want to remember that you're married.
Where is Chandler anyway?
Oh, my God, Chandler.
Where the hell is everybody?
Why don't you like me?
Chapter one.
"My first period."
[instrumental music]
Hey, Joey said no autographs.
B-but if she's getting one, I want one too.
To Monica, and none of this best wishes crap.
I want love.
[chuckles] Okay, actually, uh, Mon
Matthew was-was giving me his phone number.
Oh, man!
If I had known I was coming to this party
I never would've gotten married.
- It's nice to meet you, Rachel. - Nice to meet you.
- Call me. - Okay.
We will.
Look at you with all the guys.
Yeah..
I guess you've forgotten all about Joey.
Yeah, well, I guess, I guess
I have forgotten about Joey.
And clearly, you've forgotten
about Chandler.
Please. Chandler's the love of my life.
Ooh, leather pants. Have mercy.
So, uh...it's probably gonna be hard
for you to leave Boston, huh?
Actually, I'm kind of happy to be leaving.
I just broke up with someone.
Oh, so sad.
Uh, still, it can't be easy
for you to leave Harvard.
Especially after working alongside
a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Winter Meyer.
Actually, Albie's the guy I broke up with.
You-you dated Albert Winter Meyer?
- Yeah. - And you called him "Albie?"
[chuckles] I mean, that's-that's like
calling Albert Einstein, uh..
...Albie.
- Yeah, he is a brilliant man. - Uh, you think?
I mean, you went out with the guy who improved
the accuracy of radiocarbon dating
by a factor of ten.
Yes, and while that is everything
one looks for in a boyfriend
he had a lot of issues.
Oh, like what?
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry.
It's just that this must be what regular people experience
when they watch "Access Hollywood."
Okay, you want the dirt?
Albie was seriously insecure.
I mean, he was really intimidated
by the guy I dated before him.
Who's intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize?
A guy who won two.
Two? What?
Don't tell me you-you dated Benjamin Hobart?
Yeah, for three years.
Oh, my God!
Have you ever been in a relationship with someone
who hasn't won the Nobel Prize?
No.
But there was my first boyfriend Billy.
Oh, yeah? No Nobel Prizes for him?
No. But he did just win the MacArthur Genius Grant.
[scoffs] What a loser.
Some more wine?
- Hey, Ross. - Hey.
How's it going with Charlie?
Oh, great, after I finish my wine
I'm gonna blow my, uh, average-sized brains out.
Well, what's the matter?
She only dates geniuses
and-and Nobel Prize winners.
Oh, my God, at the Chinese restaurant earlier today
I put chopsticks in my mouth
and pretended to be a woolly mammoth.
I always loved that.
Of course, you would! Your brains are smaller than mine.
Well, I can't compete with the guys she goes out with.
They're so out of my league.
Oh, my God!
- Worse? - Oh, much, much worse.
I did my impression of Joan Rivers
as one of the earliest amphibians.
"Can we walk?"
[chuckles]
Oh, you, you like that?
- No. - What?
Come on.
I think that's funny.
Woolly mammoth.
Ross, come on.
[audience applauding]
Well, I bet you're all thinking
that now would be a really great time
for an intermission, huh?
[sighs] Oh, yes. God, yes.
Well, you're not gonna get one.
'Cause in life there are no intermissions, people.
Now, chapter seven.
"Divorce is a four-letter word."
How could he leave me?
I-I don't know. You seem lovely.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Ross.
This is one of my co-stars, Dirk.
Dirk, this is my good friend Ross.
- Oh, nice to meet you. - Hey.
- So, what show are you on? - Oh, I'm not an actor.
I'm a professor of paleontology.
- That's science. - Oh.
Hey, well, listen, I play a scientist on "Days."
And my character just won a Nobel Prize.
Uh, hey, Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering
about the woman that you brought.
And if you guys are together or..
Oh, um, well, no, but..
I mean, she, she only goes out with really, really smart guys.
Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs.
I'd lead with that.
That's it, just sign right on the bra.
- 'Monica!' - Don't worry, Joe.
I-I won't come next year.
- Ah! - What do you got there?
Oh, just some boys gave me their phone numbers.
Oh. Really? Let me see.
Oh.
Damn, that's a lot of guys.
Are you a little slutty?
I think I am.
Let me see if I approve of any of these clowns.
- Oh, this guy wears a rug. - Wha..
This guy's Canadian.
Oh, and this guy is in a cult, okay?
It'll cost you $5,000 to get to level three.
And I don't feel any different.
Pass. Double pass.
- Pass. - Why? Why?
What's wrong with these guys?
Well, nothing major.
It's just that, you know..
...they're not really good enough for you.
And you deserve the best.
- Joey, you're so sweet. - 'It's true.'
But you know what, it doesn't matter because I already know
who you're gonna go home with tonight.
Who?
- Me. - What?
Really?
Yeah, because we live together. It's a joke!
- Oh! Oh! What? - That's a joke!
That's funny. I get it.
- Got ya. - You're funny, Joey..
Oh, my God.
So, how did you enjoy the play?
Oh, my God.
Honey, I am so, so, so, sorry.
Well, you should be.
You missed the most powerful three hours
in the history of the theater.
- You really liked it? - Oh, yeah.
I mean, at first I hated it. But why wouldn't I?
Because as a man I've been trained not to listen!
But after chapter 16
"Fat, single and ready to mingle.."
...I was uplifted.
- Oh, really? - Oh, yeah.
I had no idea the amazing journey
you go through as a woman.
Tell me, tell me about your first period.
[chuckles] No!
Did somebody sign your bra?
So, I got it when I was 13.
Very difficult..
Hey, Ross.
So, listen, about you and-and the dinosaur girl.
Are you really just gonna let
a couple of Nobel Prizes scare you off?
What is that? Come on, a piece of paper?
It's actually a million-dollar prize.
Go, Charlie.
But my point is..
...okay, so she dated them
but she also broke up with them.
Maybe she's looking to, you know..
...slum it with some average Joe PhD.
Yeah, maybe.
And I-I do have my whole career in front of me.
I mean, I-I-I could still win a Nobel Prize.
Although, the last two papers I-I've written
were widely discredited.
You're so much more than just brains.
You are sweet and kind and funny.
And sexy.
Okay, well, give her a chance to see all that.
Yeah. Yeah!
You're right. Thanks, Pheebs.
- I'm gonna go find her. - Good for you.
Hey, and I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium
in the Devonian Era was top-notch.
Stop going through my stuff.
- Hey. - Hey.
I just wanted to let you know
I've changed my mind.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna kiss Joey.
No. You can't.
Friends hooking up is a bad idea.
Please! What about you and Chandler?
Well, that's different. I was drunk and stupid.
Oh, well, hello!
What about all the guys that you got the phone numbers from?
Why don't, why don't you just kiss one of them?
I could, I could. But I don't want to.
I want to kiss Joey.
Alright.
I think it's a big mistake
but it's-it's your decision.
I'm gonna do it.
- And I can't stop you? - No.
♪ Barricade ♪
♪ Maybe now he could prove to her ♪
♪ That he could be good for her ♪
Hey, Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere?
♪ And they should be together ♪♪
I'm smarter than him!
[instrumental music]
Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.
Oh, well, this was a really important experience for me
and I wanted to share it with you.
Oh, you're so wonderful.
Why don't you like me?
Chapter one.
"My first period."
Can't believe you guys bought that.
Enjoy your slow death.
[theme music]