[instrumental music]
Monica?
Hey, can I borrow the Porsche?
- Okay. - Alright!
But, uh...what is it not?
A place to entertain my lady friends.
And what else is it not?
A place to eat spaghetti.
- Very good. - Thanks.
What do you need it for, anyway?
The, uh, Powerball lottery
is up to $300 million and they don't sell
tickets here in New York, so..
Oh, so you're driving up to Connecticut?
Yeah, Connecticut, not West Virginia.
Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there!
I'd like to buy some tickets myself.
Yeah, with chandler not getting paid
we could really use $300 million.
Yes, because if I was at my old job
we'd say, "$300 million? No, thank you."
Hey, will you get me tickets, too?
- Yeah, me, too. - 'Sure.'
Oh! I have an idea.
Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks
we'll pool our money together
and then if we win, we'll split it!
- Oh, that's great! - That's a great idea!
No, thanks.
What, you don't want to win the lottery?
Uh, sure I do, I also wanna be
king of my own country
and find out what happened to Amelia Earhart.
- Still on Amelia Earhart? - The woman just vanished!
Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this?
No, do-do you know what
your odds are of winning the lottery?
Uh-uh, I mean, you have a better chance of being
struck by lightning 42 times!
Yes, but there's six of us, so we'd only have to get struck
by lightning seven times.
I like those odds.
Seriously, you guys, I can't believe
you're gonna spend $250 on the lottery.
I mean, that's such a bunch of boohockey.
I'll ask.
Boohockey?
Oh, oh, we think Emma's about to start talking
so we're trying to be careful about what words
we use in front of her.
Yeah, so get ready to hear a lot of, uh
Boohockey, gosh darn it, and brother pucker.
How do you know she's gonna start talking?
Well, when I talk to her, I almost feel like
she understands what I'm saying.
Kinda like Joey.
What's that now?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you ♪
♪ Life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
God, look at all these tickets!
It's so exciting!
You know, I haven't won anything since the sixth grade.
Pie eating contest?
Oh, you assume because I was heavy
that's the only way I could win something?
No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries.
- That was a good day. - Yeah.
They're towing your car! They're towing your car!
I'm parked in a garage on Morton.
They're towing a car.
And I am...seeing spots.
Oh, my God, Ross, you don't have Emma!
And, Rachel, you don't have Emma. Where's Emma?
- Who has Emma? - Joey, relax!
Geez, my mother picked her up two hours ago!
You were there!
I was?
Yes, and you talked to her.
I did?
She dropped off a casserole!
Oh, yeah, the casserole lady.
Hey, so did you come by to watch us win the big bucks?
Yeah, uh, and then, I figured, after you win
we can all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow
with gremlins dancing on top of it.
[telephone ringing]
Don't touch the phone! I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it!
- You think he washed his hands? - 'Hello?'
- Charlie, what do you know? - What's going on?
Chandler's supposed to find out if he's getting
an assistant job at his ad agency.
But out of fifteen interns, they're only hiring three.
Ooh, tough odds.
Yeah, if only it were a sure thing
like your 24 state lottery.
Yeah, look who's coming around!
Damn it. Alright, call me when you know more.
Did you get it?
One of the slots got filled.
By you?
Sense the tone.
No, that kid, Nate got it.
Oh, I hate that guy!
I mean, come on, kid, pull up your pants!
I know.
Well, there's two spots left, right?
Yeah. I mean, I want this so much.
I mean, I want to get one
I want my friend Charlie to get one..
...except I don't care about Charlie.
- Hey, you guys! - 'Hey!'
Okay, you are not gonna believe this!
I just saw my psychic
and she said I was definitely
gonna win the lottery tonight!
Hey, that reminds me. I thought we could use some extra luck.
So I brought a wishbone home from work.
A psychic and a wishbone?
Guys, give someone else a chance.
- Alright, who wants to do it? - Oh, can I?
Vegetarians never get to do the wishbone.
It's really not fair either, because, you know
just 'cause we don't eat the meat doesn't mean
we don't like to play with the carcasses.
- Alright. Hey, Rach? - No, I'm good!
I don't want to get that turkey smell all over my hands.
I'll do it! Got to get the casserole stink off of mine.
Okay.
I hope I win.
Well, it doesn't really matter.
Well, you're both wishing for the same thing, right?
Oh, I can't tell you what I'm wishing for
or else...you know
it won't come true.
Right, but we know what you're wishing for.
I can't really say.
I understand, but you're wishing
for what we think you're wishing for, aren't you?
I'm not really comfortable with these questions!
- Please! - Just do it.
Okay, ready? One, two...three!
- I won! Hey! - Uh, you know what?
I'm sure your wish is gonna come true
but, you guys, just in case, maybe a genie will come out
if we rub this lamp. Ow!
That thing gets hot!
You know, Ross, just keep making your jokes.
How are you gonna feel if we actually do win?
- Uh, you're not gonna win. - Oh, I know, I know.
The odds are against us.
But somebody has to win
and it could be us!
And then how are you gonna feel?
You know, we're gonna be all like, "Oh, everybody
let's take our helicopters up to the cape"
and you're gonna-and you're gonna be all like
"Oh, I can't, guys, I'll have to meet you up there.
I gotta gas up the Hyundai."
Okay, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that.
I can see the headline now.
"Lottery winners' friend, filled with regret
eats own arm."
Why would I eat my own arm?
Well, you wouldn't, but we own the paper.
We can print whatever we want.
You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you.
Because I know-I know that you think
that the lottery is boohockey..
...but we're all here and we're gonna watch
the numbers and have fun!
And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this.
You don't have to do that. I mean, I-I'll pay for myself.
But just the fact that
y-you want me to have fun with you guys
that's so sweet, come here.
Get a room.
Okay, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win?
I don't know. I'll probably just invest it.
Ooh, calm down.
Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it?
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say invest it?
I meant, be cool and piss it all away.
Oh! Ooh! I know!
We should pool all our money and buy the Knicks!
I don't really care about the Knicks.
Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward!
You would do that?
I never get picked!
You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go.
You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?
I can't believe you're taking this away from me!
You're right, it has been your dream for over 15 seconds.
Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, mommy?
I'll take this one, too.
Uh, "mommy?"
Oh, I've gotten into the habit
of calling Rachel "mommy" when we're around Emma..
...which, I now realize, we are not.
I'm hoping that if she hears it enough
it'll be her first word.
Now, although, if we're gonna do that, we should
probably call me, "daddy," too.
Ooh. I like that, "daddy."
I, uh...I was just talking about Rachel.
Ooh, is daddy getting angry?
Is daddy gonna spank me?
Well, that depends.
Have you been a bad g..
No, I can't. I can't.
[telephone ringing]
Hello, hello?
Hey, Charlie, did anybody else hear?
What? Susan got it? How?
Oh, man, I would have slept with him!
Alright. Bye.
Dude, I'm sorry, but, hey, there's one spot left, right?
Yeah, well, Charlie's gonna get that.
Hey, don't say that!
You got just as good a chance as anybody
else of getting that job.
- He is the boss's son. - Come on, lottery!
- Yeah! Yeah! - Ooh, ooh, you guys!
It starts in, like, 20 minutes.
Okay, alright, here we go.
So we need to sort through the tickets
as quickly as possible to see if we've won!
So does anybody have any ideas how to organize this?
Okay, how about this?
We divide them into six groups of forty
and the remaining ten can be read
by whoever finishes their pile first.
- Oh, I have another idea. - I'm sorry, idea time is over.
Okay, well, are all the tickets in the bowl?
What about the ones you have on the nightstand?
There are no tickets on the nightstand.
Yes, there are. I just saw them a few minutes ago.
Uh, no, you didn't.
You must be mistaken.
Honey, there are, like, 20 tickets on the nightstand.
Chandler, sense the tone!
Well, well, well. Look what mommy found.
Okay, fine!
I bought 20 extra tickets for me and Chandler.
The psychic also said that I would be betrayed.
I can't believe this. I thought we were all in this together.
Hey, you just got in five minutes ago!
Three minutes ago!
I don't know why that's important.
Uh, hey, look, I was with you the whole time
we were in Connecticut.
When did you even get those?
When you were reading the dirty magazines
without taking off the plastic!
I'll show you how.
Okay, well, Monica, suppose one of your special tickets wins
how are you gonna feel when you win the lottery
and you lose all your friends?
Please, if I win the lottery
you guys are not gonna leave me.
Someone gave me a basket of mini muffins last week
and I couldn't get rid of you for three days!
Chandler, would you just tell her what she did was wrong?
She's right. You shouldn't have bought tickets just for us.
Let me finish.
However, it doesn't look like I'm gonna get this job
so I can't afford to have principles.
So screw you! The tickets are ours!
[gasps]
There's the man I married!
Alright, believe me, if you win the lottery
it's the last you're gonna hear from us.
Fine. Don't be my friends!
I'll buy new friends!
Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery
so they'd look just like you.
Alright, you know what? That's it!
I want my share of the tickets.
Yeah, I want my tickets, too!
And I'm buying the Knicks..
...and Steffi Graf!
Hold it, then I want mine, too
and if I win I'm gonna put it all
into a very low-yield bond!
No! Look, you guys.
We got to keep all the tickets together!
No, no, we should divide them up, and I should get extra
because we used my car to buy them!
Hey! Hey! If anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me!
This whole thing was my idea!
Oh, yeah, thanks for inventing the lottery!
'Okay.'
That's it. Just give them to me, and I'll split 'em up.
Ow!
[screaming]
[shrieks]
No, I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to this!
Okay, if she jumps, I get her tickets.
Wait! No, no! Hey, hey!
If we're not doing this together
we're not doing it at all!
Say goodbye to your tickets.
(all) No! No! No!
Do not come any closer!
Can I come a little bit closer?
Valuable things are getting squished.
Now, what's more important? Your friends or money?
- Friends! - Money!
Friends.
And, Monica, what about your extra tickets?
They're all in there.
Even these five that I hid in my bra.
- Monica! - Okay. Good.
You guys were so scared.
There was no way I was gonna dump this thing..
[shrieks]
God! No!
I think I broke your bowl.
Go! Go! Go!
[instrumental music]
What a beautiful night to be running around
the street looking for tickets.
And the wind sure made it fun.
Phoebe, we lost half of them.
So what? Monica, we have the winning ticket!
My psychic said I was gonna win, remember?
Weird, your psychic didn't mention anything
about the scary pigeon.
As a matter of fact, she said
that's how I'm going to die.
So excuse me for being a little skittish.
Hey, there's two messages. This could be from work.
- Oh, play them. - Okay.
Here we go.
(Phoebe on answering machine) 'Hello? Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony'
'calling to apologize.'
'I shouldn't-I shouldn't have knocked the tickets'
'out of the pretty lady's hand.'
'It-it was all my fault, not hers.'
'Bye. Coo.'
Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do.
(Charlie on answering machine) 'Hey, Chandler, it's Charlie.'
This is it. Shh!
'Listen, um..'
'...it turns out I got the last spot.'
'I'm really sorry, man, it was'
'a lot of fun working with you.'
'Give me a call if you want.'
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry, honey.
- So sorry about that, man. - That is so unfair.
It's-it's like that time they promoted Sandra over me at work.
Oh, was she related to Ralph Lauren?
No, she was just much better at her job than me.
You guys, the drawing's about to start.
Oh, you know what, we should call my mom's house
and say good night to Emma before she goes down.
Oh, yeah, it's a good idea.
Honey, you're being really strong about this.
I know how badly you wanted that job.
Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it.
But let's go win the lottery.
I mean, we still have 130 chances to win, right?
Hundred and thirty one.
Yeah, goodnight, sweetheart. I love you.
And remember, you're daddy's little girl.
Phoebe's totally ruined that for me.
Hi, mom. Oh, put her back on.
Rach, come on, they're announcing the numbers!
My God, I can already feel myself changing.
(man on TV) Here are your official Powerball numbers.
- We have 53. - I've got that.
Ooh, ooh, we have one, too.
We are on the roll, people!
- Come on! - Mom, please!
I know you love your new lips.
But I can barely understand you.
Would you please, just let me say goodnight to my daughter?
(man on TV) 'And number 29, and here we go, the Powerball is seven.'
Alright, check your numbers! Make me rich!
You guys, you're not gonna believe this.
I was just saying goodnight to Emma
and she said her first words!
- What? - What did she say?
She said "gleba."
Make me rich!
- Isn't that amazing? - Yeah, no, no, no.
That's-that's great.
What? Why aren't you more excited?
Uh, Rach, "gleba" is not a word.
Well, of course it is!
Okay, uh, what does it mean?
Well, I don't know all the words.
You know, I'm just, I'm just glad
I didn't miss my daughter's first word.
Well, yes, you did! "Gleba" is a word!
- Okay, use it in a sentence. - Okay.
Uh, "Emma just said gleba."
- It's not a word. - Okay, okay, okay, fine.
- I'm gonna look it up. - Oh, oh, okay, great.
You know what, while you're at it
she said another word the other day.
Why don't you, uh, look up..
Alright, okay, okay, gleba.
Gleba, gleba...gleba! Ah, here it is.
"The fleshy, spore-bearing inner mass of a certain fungi."
She's gonna be a scientist!
Damn it!
- Anybody got anything? - No.
I'm still looking through mine.
Just double checking.
No. No. No.
No!
[telephone ringing]
Hello? Oh, hold on. It's your boss.
Ah, the "I'm sorry, I rejected you" phone call.
Not used to getting these from guys.
- Hey, Steve. - Chandler, hi.
I'm sure you've heard we filled the three positions.
We just felt that with your maturity and experience
you wouldn't be happy being someone's assistant.
Well, no, no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant.
Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff!
And I'm not too mature.
Farts, boobies, butt cracks!
Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program.
We're offering you the position of Junior Copywriter.
Me? The guy who just said "butt cracks?"
'Yes, that's right.'
We're excited about the level of sophistication
you'll be bringing to the job.
Okay, well, thanks. You won't regret it.
I'll see you tomorrow.
What?
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter.
- Oh, wow! That's great! - Oh, my God! Congratulations.
Oh, sweetie, I'm so proud of you!
Does that mean I get the good loving tonight?
You bet! No TV or anything.
Hey, that is so great about the job.
And I'd like to think I had a little something to do with it.
Really, why?
Well, before, with the wishbone..
I, uh...I didn't wish we would win the lottery
I wished you'd get the job.
Oh, yeah? Listen, don't tell Monica.
- She'll rip your heart out. - Oh, yeah.
Wow, you know what?
There was a little part of me
that really thought we were gonna win.
Yeah, me, too.
So much for my dinosaur slash Amelia Earhart theme park.
You guys...what was the Powerball number again?
- Seven. - We won.
- What? - We won!
- What? - Let me see!
- Don't tear it!
Phoebe, you don't have any of the first five numbers!
I know that. But look, we got the Powerball number.
We won three dollars!
Wow, you think we should get that over 20 years
or go for the big payout?
I don't care, I've never won anything before.
I can't believe this!
So, Pheebs, what are you going to do with your three dollars?
Well, it-it's not all mine. We all get 50 cents.
You know what, you can have mine.
- Me, too. - Me, too.
Me, too.
Well, I guess if everybody else is.
[instrumental music]
Hey, guys.
So I just called the Powerball hotline.
Can you believe it? Nobody won.
Um, I beg to differ.
Maybe nobody won the jackpot
but there was this guy in here earlier
and he found a ticket on the street, right outside
and won $10,000.
[Phoebe imitating a pigeon] Coo, again.
Don't blame the pretty lady.
It was not her fault.
It was me, the pigeon. Coo.
Seriously, stop staring at her.
[theme music]