- Hey, you ready to go? - Oh, yeah.
- Let me just finish this. - 'Hey, Ross.'
Check this out.
Yeah, I can't do that.
- What are you doing? - Hey, have you seen this?
It's our new, uh, alumni website for college.
It's cool. Y-you can post messages for people, uh
let everyone know what you're up to.
Oh, great, a faster way to tell people
that I'm unemployed and childless.
Uh, it's-it's actually kind of interesting
to find out what people are doing.
Uh, uh, remember Andrea Rich?
That tall girl that wouldn't sleep with you?
Uh-huh, uh-huh, well, her Internet company went under
and she lost an ear in a boating accident.
Bet she'd sleep with you now.
No, I already emailed her.
Let me see what you wrote about yourself.
Uh, oh.
"Doctor of Paleontology, two kids.."
Wait a second, you split with Carol
because you had different interests?
I think you split with Carol because you had
one very similar interest.
You know what? I'm gonna finish this later, okay?
- Let me just grab my coat. - Okay!
What, did you think you learned how to do it
in the last two minutes?
Maybe we finish this for him.
Also, I cloned a dinosaur in my lab.
She's now my girlfriend!
I don't care what society says
it's the best sex I've ever had.
[laughs]
- And, send. - No, no, whoa..
You can't do that to him.
- Alright, let's go. - Dude.
Uh, I think you made it clear you can't be trusted
with the ball inside the house.
And...send.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you ♪
♪ Life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always ♪
♪ Stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
- Hey, how was basketball? - Well, it was a lot of fun.
Yeah, right up until Chandler got a finger in the eye.
Oh, no! Who did that?
Chandler, yeah.
Hey.
- Uh, Rach? - 'Yeah?'
What's Hugsy doing in the crib with Emma?
Oh, well, she was just crawling around and she found him.
So I just let her sleep with him.
That's alright, isn't that?
Oh, oh, of course. Yeah.
It's a stuffed animal, you know.
It's for kids, not for adults.
I know that.
Joey, you're-you're sure?
I mean, I know how much you love him.
Rachel, let's-let's be clear on this, okay?
I do not love...Hugsy.
I like him a normal amount.
Alright. Well, Emma loves him.
Yeah, well, why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person.
- Hi. - Oh, hey, Phoebe.
How you doing? You feeling better?
Breaking up sucks!
Oh, I really miss Mike.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. - 'Oh, God!'
I've tried everything to make myself feel better
even tried writing a song about it
but...I can't think of anything that rhymes with..
[screaming]
Hey, Monica, I'm gonna need your help getting through this.
Hey, you're not gonna need my help?
Well, no, when I get to the point where, you know
I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike
I'm gonna come to you.
Oh, great, 'cause I've already thought of three, four.
I just thought of a fourth.
Okay, I mean, I know I did the right thing.
You know, Mike never wants to get married
and I shouldn't be in a relationship
that has no future.
But...pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much
I'm gonna want to see him again
and you have to stop me from doing that.
Okay, you got it.
Unless...maybe I'm too crazy about this?
Alright, so you know, there's no future
but that doesn't mean we still can't have fun?
You know what? Forget what I said.
Really?
Alright, if that's what you want.
That was a test, and you just failed.
Damn it! Rookie mistake!
I have sex with dinosaurs?
I believe, I read that somewhere.
Not only is it not funny, it's physically impossible, okay?
Depending on the species, I'll have to have a six-foot long..
It's not funny!
I respectfully disagree.
I can't believe you put that on my alumni page.
Who cares? Nobody reads those things.
Well, you better hope not, because I just read
what you put on your page today.
- I don't have a page. - Oh, oh, oh.
I respectfully disagree!
[instrumental music]
Look at you, all sweet and innocent
sleeping like an angel..
...with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around you.
It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep.
[Emma crying]
Step away from the crib! I have a weapon!
It's okay! It's okay, Rach, it's me!
Put down the scrunchy!
What are you doing?
Well, I heard Emma stirring, so..
So I came in to make sure she could reach Hugsy.
'Aw!'
Oh, thanks.
Alright, well, now that I'm up, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Okay, there you go, sweetie, hey..
This isn't over.
Alright, wait a second, why would Ross
tell everyone in your class that you are
"As gay as the day is long?"
Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.
Well, that's clearly a joke!
This could easily be true!
[telephone ringing]
Would you get that, please, people have been calling
to congratulate me all day.
Hello? No, he's not here.
Yeah, this is his wife.
Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me, too.
Well, I guess, I should have known.
Yeah, I mean he just kept making me
watch "Moulin Rouge!"
Hang up. Hang up!
And that was a great movie!
I'm so gonna get back at Ross.
Oh, yeah, this will show him.
- Here we go. - What are you doing?
Oh, you'll see, my friend!
I'm dead?
And so young.
Posting that I died?
That really isn't funny!
Well, how you died was funny.
Oh, please! Hit by a blimp?
It kills over one Americans
every year!
Unbelievable, my classmates are gonna think I'm dead!
My professors, my..
...my parents are gonna get phone calls!
You're messing with people's feelings here!
Oh, you want to talk about people's feelings?
You should have heard how hurt
Professor Stern was yesterday
when I told him I wouldn't be able to go
with him to Key West!
You've really crossed the line here, but that's okay.
That's okay 'cause I'm on my way to buy
some, uh, Photoshop software
and a stack of gay porn.
That's right, your coming out is about to get real graphic!
Oh, God, I wish Mike were here!
Okay, if Mike were here, what would the two of you be doing?
What are you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon!
I gotta call him. Just-just to talk to him.
There's no harm in that.
Phoebe, that's how it starts!
I don't need to eat the cake
I'll just smell the icing!
Why not just a little sliver or..
...okay, just a-a slice or two?
You know, the-the next thing you know, you're 210 pounds
and you get wedged in going down the tunnel slide!
Look, Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard.
But look, if you talk to him
then you're gonna wanna see him.
And if you see him, you're gonna wanna
get back together with him.
I know that's not what you want.
Alright, so give me your phone.
Here.
And now your cell.
Okay.
Here you go.
This is your cell phone?
Yes.
This is your current cell phone?
Yes, it reminds me of a simpler time.
Phoebe, where's your purse?
Hey! No, no! Give it to me!
- No, you can't have it. - Come on.
- Give it to me! - No.
- I'll go in there! - Oh, yeah.
- Phoebe, come here! - No.
- Give it to me. - Whoa!
You're crazy! It's gone!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Whoa! - Ah, aha!
Damn you, Monica Geller, hyphen, Bing!
Hey, look who's here.
It's Joey, and he brought home a friend.
Joey, Emma's right here!
You promised not to bring girls home
in the middle of the day anymore!
Oh, no, no, it's not a girl.
It's..
...a brand new Hugsy!
Oh, that's so great!
Now Emma has two Hugsies.
No, no, no. Oh, no.
No, Emma has one Hugsy.
- The new Hugsy, huh? - Oh!
The other Hugsy, I don't know
I guess, I'll just take him back.
Aw! Oh, you know what?
When I was a little girl
I had a little pink pony named Cotton.
Oh, I loved her so much, I took her everywhere
I would braid her tail--
Make the transfer!
Now, now should I be concerned that a button
fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it?
Oh, no, don't worry about it, I swallowed that years ago.
Hey, hey.
[Emma crying]
Oh, what?
I don't think she likes the new Hugsy.
- But he's the same! - Yeah, well.
I think she wants the old one back.
Yeah, but he's the same.
- Joey, come on! - But he's the same!
You're not the same.
Aha!
You know, it's a lot less surprising to do that
after I've buzzed you into the building.
So, Phoebe, why are there
men's shoes by the door?
- Those are my shoes. - Oh.
When you get over this break-up, we need to go shopping.
Look, Monica, I really appreciate you
checking in on me, but I'm actually
feeling a lot better.
- You are? - 'Yeah, I..'
I just wanna be alone right now.
[knock on the door]
- Who's that? - I ordered Chinese food.
Wh-what are the chances?
One billion Chinese people, and they send Mike!
- What are you doing here? - Phoebe called me.
- Phoebe? - I'm sorry, I broke down.
- I wanted to see him. - 'Damn it, Phoebe.'
How-how did you even call him?
There's a speaker phone on the base unit.
Base unit! Think, Monica, think!
Look, if I wanna see Phoebe, and she wants to see me--
This doesn't concern you!
Oh, sorry, I guess, I was thrown off
by the mention of my name.
Look, guys, you can't do this!
It's just gonna make getting over
each other that much harder.
Not if nothing happens, why can't..
...why can't we just hang out as friends?
Why, sure!
If you're just gonna hang out as friends
then-then maybe I'll join ya.
You know, I'm your friend and Mike's friend.
Yeah.
'Sit down.'
'Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!'
Make room for your friend.
There you go.
- So how have you been? - I've been pretty good.
You look really beautiful.
Thanks. You look good, too.
No, no, no.
This is dangerous territory.
Keep it clean!
So how's the piano playing going?
Actually, I've been playing a lot of love songs, lately.
I've missed you.
I've missed you, too.
You know, on the way over here
I saw this drunk guy throw up.
And then a pigeon ate it.
Hey. Ross.
Look, I just wanted to apologize for..
Don't tell me you actually made
those gay pictures of me?
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Check this out.
Huh, so that's what I'd look like if I worked out..
...and was being serviced by a policeman.
You're not gonna actually send these out, are you?
Uh, actually, no, I don't need to because your little
"Ross is dead" joke didn't work, okay?
There were no responses!
Nobody posted anything on the website
nobody called my parents, so the joke
my friend, is on you.
Nobody called, nobody wrote anything
nobody cares that I'm dead.
Oh, my God!
Nobody cares that I'm dead?
Oh, come on, you know that's not true.
What are you talking about, you get 60 responses
just for coming out of the closet!
I didn't get one response, and-and I'm dead!
Well, the gay community is a lot more vocal
than the dead community.
I can't believe this!
Not even my geology lab partner?
And I carried that guy!
Alright, look, let's think about this, okay?
Do you really think that people are gonna disturb
your family at this tragic time?
That people are gonna post condolences on a website?
This isn't about people not caring that you're dead!
This is about people not having a..
...decent outlet for their grief.
You're right, there isn't a decent outlet.
Right, I mean, come on, I'm sure if you had a funeral
or memorial service, tons of people would come.
Exactly!
Ross, what are you-what are you, what are you doing?
You're having a memorial service for yourself?
No. That would be stupid.
You're having it for me.
Ross, don't press that. Don't press that!
Too late, too late. It's sent.
Oops, sorry, so is that picture of you and the policeman.
I'm gonna try to put Emma down for a nap.
Have you seen Hugsy?
Uh, original or crappy?
- Original. - No, sorry, haven't seen him.
Then what's that big lump under your covers?
It's Monica, okay?
- That is not Monica! - Alright, fine!
It's original Hugsy!
You know, now, I know Emma wants him
but he's mine, and I need him!
- She's being unreasonable. - 'Oh, God.'
Joey, there is a reason that Emma loves
that stupid penguin so much!
Oh, don't cover its ears!
It's because it reminds her
of her Uncle Joey!
- It does? - Yeah.
And she's comforted by him
because she loves her Uncle Joey so much.
- Really? She-she loves me? - Oh, yeah!
But you know what?
If you need Hugsy, don't worry.
Emma will totally understand.
I won't, but whatever.
Well, okay, wait, wait, w-wait
wait a minute, wait a minute, Rach.
I mean if-if..
If Hugsy means that much to Emma, then..
- Well, she can have him. - Aw, oh, sweet.
I knew, Uncle Joey would step up.
Look, Emma, look who's back.
No, forget it! Forget it, I can't do it.
Are you kidding, you're gonna take
Hugsy away from a little child?
How do you think I got him in the first place?
Alright, you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Now, I don't want anything going on while I'm gone.
Alright, here's a few things you can discuss.
Mucus, fungus
and the idea of me and Ross doing it.
I've missed you so much.
No, I'm not gonna ask you to get back together
because I know we want different things
but...just to be with you one more night.
I know, I want that, too, but is that gonna make it too hard?
It can't be any harder than this.
I mean, if I had known the last time I saw you
would be the last time I..
I would have stopped to memorize your face
the way you moved..
...everything about you.
If I had known the last time I kissed you
would be the last time..
I never would have stopped.
Kiss him, you fool!
- What? - Didn't you hear that speech?
If you don't kiss him, then I will!
I've missed you so much.
[door opens]
I knew you'd be here!
Aah, crap!
Who-who is this?
It's my friend Manny.
I asked him to keep me away from you.
Oh, hey, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe.
Well, you're not doing a very good job.
- Excuse me? - What's with the kissing?
Hey, at least I knew where my guy was!
Oh, yeah, yeah, thank God you were here
to oversee all the kissing.
You didn't hear the speech!
I've heard the speech.
If he knew it was gonna be
the last time he saw her--
Hey, it was very moving!
- You're just heartless! - You're weak!
- You're...weird! - Your pants are undone.
Oh!
Where'd they go?
Oh. Damn it!
Oh, we blew it.
I blame myself.
And I blame you, too.
It's been an hour and not
one of my classmates has shown up?
I tell you, when I actually die
some people are gonna get seriously haunted.
[knock on the door]
There you go. Someone came!
Okay, okay, I'm-I'm gonna go hide.
Oh, this is so exciting, my first mourner!
Hi. Glad you could come.
Please come in.
Hi, you're Chandler Bing, right?
I'm Tom Gordon. I-I-I was in your class.
Oh, yes, yes. Let me take your coat.
- Thanks. - Uh.
I'm-I'm so sorry about Ross. It's..
Well, at least he died doing what he loved.
Watching blimps.
- Who is it? - I don't know.
Some guy. Tom Gordon?
I don't remember him.
But then again, I touched so many lives.
So did you know Ross well?
Oh, actually, I barely knew him.
Yeah, I came because I heard Chandler's news.
You know, if he's seeing anyone?
- Yes, he is. Me. - What?
[mumbling]
Oh!
Oh, can-can I ask you a personal question?
How-how do you shave your beard so close?
Okay, Tommy, that's enough mourning for you.
Here we go. Bye-bye.
Alright. Alright.
- Hey, listen, call me. - Okay!
I'm dead and no one cares?
I look like a man?
Please, one ridiculous problem at a time!
This isn't ridiculous! Look around, no one's here!
You gave them one day's notice!
Not everyone in our class checks the website every day
and Monica, it's probably the way you stand!
Guess you're right, still
somebody must have seen it!
I mean, I went to that school for four years
I didn't have an impact on anyone?
'Well, that's not true!'
You had an impact on me!
I mean it's 15 years later
and we're still best friends!
Doesn't that count for something?
Man.
[knock on the door]
Oh, great, more party boys for Chandler.
I'm sure it's somebody for you.
Now, go hide.
Hi...I'm here
for Ross Geller's memorial service.
Kori? Kori Weston?
Yeah?
You look amazing!
- And you are? - Chandler. Chandler Bing.
And I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all.
You are married, though.
Don't listen to him. He's in a really bad mood.
I can't believe that Ross is gone!
It is just so sad!
Well, I didn't know Ross and you were so close.
Oh, we weren't, but we had one class together.
He was such a great guy!
And he talked so passionately about science.
I always remembered him.
I'm sure that would mean a lot to him
and if heaven has a door..
...I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it
and listening intently.
I have thought so many times
about calling him and asking him out..
I guess, I really missed my chance.
No, you didn't!
I'm still alive!
Kori, I-I know this is a big surprise for you.
It's a long story, but the things you just said
really made my day.
I mean, the fact that you are here, means more to me
than-than if this room were filled with people.
You sick freak! Who does that?
I can't believe I had a crush on you!
Did you hear that?
Kori Weston had a crush on me!
No, mom, I am not dead.
No, I know it's not something
to kid about, but..
Anyway, it was just a practical joke between Chandler and me
but it's over, okay?
Actually, no, even if I had died
you would not be left childless.
Monica?