[instrumental music]
Have you seen our bank statement? Can this be right?
I know. God.
I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this
since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed Oreos.
What happened to all of our money?
Well, I'm not sure exactly what they did
but I'm inclined to blame Enron.
Well, I guess with you doing the internship
we're just spending more than we're bringing in.
Yeah, maybe I should quit and get a job that pays.
Oh, but you're finally doing something that you love!
I mean, I can't ask you to give that up.
Though, it would be nice if the thing that you love
was, you know, finding gold.
You know what? You know what? I think we're making
too big a deal out of this, okay?
So we pay our bills a little late this month
and maybe, uh, next month we cut back on a few things.
And maybe we start eating out
of Joey's refrigerator for a change.
You're a chef, what can you make
out of baking soda and beer?
Alright, worse case scenario
is we borrow some money from my parents.
No! We're not borrowing money.
- Why not? - Because we don't do that.
We are Bings!
And if there's one thing my father taught me was..
Well, to always knock before going into the pool house.
But the other thing was "Never borrow money."
Wow! I had no idea you had this much pride.
That's right! I do! I'm your man.
And I'm gonna get us through this situation
even if it means you working twice as hard.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- I'm gonna go. - Why?
I haven't been home in a couple of days
and I need to get some more clothes.
Oh! You don't have to go
I have something that'll fit you.
I put that tube top on as a joke.
I want you to stay.
I wanna stay too
but I've gone about as much use
out of these boxers as I can.
Why don't you turn them inside--
Done it.
I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Alright, I'll miss you.
Me too.
You know what? I just realized something.
- I don't wanna go home. - Great!
Okay, I'll go get the tube top.
No, no! What I mean is..
...I-I hate going back to my apartment now..
And partly because, I live above
a known crack den but..
..you know, mostly because when I'm there, I..
...I just, I really miss you.
So...do you wanna move in together?
Wow, Mike Hannigan..
You sure know how to make a girl say "Hell, yeah!"
- So we're doing it? - Yeah! Let's do it!
Let's live together!
Wow! We're really gonna move in together!
Yeah!
I've always wanted to live with a guy.
"Pick up your socks! Put down the toilet seat!
No! We are not having sex anymore!"
- It's gonna be fun! - Hmm!
[instrumental music]
- Hey, Joey! - Hey!
Listen, I-I need to know that
that what I'm about to ask you
will never get back to Chandler.
I'd be lying if I said
I haven't thought about it myself.
Chandler is my best friend, it would be wrong.
Good...but wrong.
Okay, first of all, it would be great.
But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about, okay.
I-I need to borrow some money.
Aw, I don't know, Monica, you know
um, lending friends money is always a mistake.
But Chandler lent you money!
And I think he would tell you it was a mistake.
Come on, I just, I-I need it for some rent
and, and some other bills.
Oh, well..
Well, how much?
- Two thousand dollars? - Two thousand dollars?
What do you think I am? A soap opera star?
- Yeah. - That's right, I am!
[laughing]
Hi, you guys!
- Hey! - 'Hey!'
Ooh, what's in the bag?
Oh, uh, well, you know how Emma started crawling?
I realized that this place
is very unsafe for a baby.
So I went to the store and I got some stuff
to baby-proof the apartment.
Oh, God, baby-proofing.
Why is this such a big deal now?
You know, when I was a kid it was like
"Whoops! Joey fell down the stairs!" or, uh..
"Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh!
Anyway, um, are you going to get
a handyman to install this stuff?
No. I was just gonna do it myself.
[chuckles]
- You're gonna do it? - Yeah, why?
You don't think a woman can do this?
Oh, women can. You...can't.
Monica, will you please tell Joey that he is a pig?
You're a pig.
- And you can't do this. - Wha..
What? Come on! I found the hardware store
all by myself!
The hardware store is right down the street.
There is a hardware store right down the street?
[instrumental music]
Hey, you guys!
Okay, we've got great news.
Phoebe and I are moving in together.
- Congratulations! - That's great!
I know it's so exciting!
You know, I've never lived with a guy before, you know?
Oh, well, it's just like living with a girl.
O-only they don't steal your makeup.
Unless they're playing
"This is what my sister would look like."
Yeah, she's not so cute.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Okay, well you put down the toilet seat.
Yes, dear.
Uh, is that a bit you guys do?
Uh-huh, we're playing you two.
We don't do that!
Tell her we don't do that!
Yes, dear.
I can't believe you guys are movin' in together.
That's-that's great! I'm happy for you guys.
- I hear wedding bells. - Monica, slow down! Okay?
I'm just excited to be living with him.
You know, I mean, I don't know
can I see someday being married to Mike?
Sure. Yeah.
You know, I can picture myself walking down the aisle
in a wedding dress that highlights my breasts
in an obvious yet classy way.
But do I want that house in Connecticut, you know
near the good schools where Mike and I can send
little Sophie and Mike Junior.
Oh, my God, I do.
Phoebe, I had no idea you were so conventional.
I know! I guess I am!
Oh, my God! Load up the Volvo
I wanna be a soccer mom!
- You ready to go? - Yeah! You bet, roomie!
Don't you mean "Groomy?"
- What are you talking about? - Oh, please, these guys.
We haven't even moved in yet
and they have us picking out China patterns.
[chuckles]
- China patterns! - Oh..
[instrumental music]
This is easy. "Can't do this!"
Oh!
Wow! Seriously I can't do this.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, Joe! - Hey!
Listen, um, I need to ask you a favor
and you can't tell Monica anything about it.
I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.
And that will remain the official party line.
Oh..
[exhales sharply]
Look, Monica and I are having a little financial trouble.
- Yeah, I know. - What?
What do you mean you know?
Uh...I just figured it out!
You know, I mean you're not working
and the-the economy is bad.
Oh! Right.
That is the fastest I have ever thought!
Anyway, uh..
[exhales sharply] ...I need to borrow some money.
Oh! Sure! Yeah, how much? $2000?
Yes, $2000 exactly!
How did you know that?
Uh.. Well, I, uh..
I know how much you used to make
and I know how much your rent is.
Oh, okay.
I am on fire!
[sighs] Listen, this is really nice.
Do you..
Did you write a check to Monica for $2000?
Did Monica borrow money from you?
Uh...kind of.
I can't believe her!
Did she tell you we were having money problems?
Oh, no, no, no.
It wasn't, uh, it wasn't because of your money problems
it was for something... for her, you know?
- What? - Something personal. Yeah.
What would she get for herself for $2000
that she wouldn't tell me about?
Excuse me.
Boob job.
I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy!
Well, it's..
It's not that crazy, okay?
Makin' 'em smaller, that would be crazy.
[instrumental music]
Oh, hey, I-I wanted to ask you
about Monica's little "groomy" joke.
Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laughed
is that's a play on the word roomie.
No..
[chuckles] I get the joke.
Sophisticated as it was.
Now, the, the thing I wanna say is..
...maybe we should have talked about this before.
Us living together..
...you're not expecting a proposal, right?
- Oh, no, no! Not at all. - Okay.
We're just m-moving in right now.
We'll see where it goes.
Yeah, well, tha-that's the thing.
For me it's as far as it can ever go.
What do you mean?
Look, Phoebe..
I...I love you very much.
But I never wanna get married again.
Oh. Wow.
No, it's just my first marriage was..
[sighs] ...you know, such a disaster
that I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
Mm-hmm. Was it really that bad?
At one point near the end, she deliberately defecated--
Okay, well that's bad. Yeah.
But don't you think it might be different with someone else?
Perhaps, a blonde who always uses a toilet.
Except for once in the ocean.
Look, it's, it's not about who I would marry.
And I was certain the first time I got married
it would last forever. And I was totally wrong!
- But it's just-- - Look, Phoebe.
It's-it's not about you.
I just never wanna get married again.
- Huh! - I'm sorry.
Are you okay with that?
Because if not, maybe us moving in together
isn't the best idea.
No! Oh, I definitely
don't wanna get married.
Now, I just wanted to make sure
you didn't want to too. Whew!
'Cause, you know, we-we move in
and you start changing your mind
there's gonna be hell to pay, mister!
- Oh...trust me, I will never-- - Yeah, I get that. Yeah.
[instrumental music]
Hi!
So you gave in, and decided to call someone?
Yeah! I don't know who I was kidding.
I can barely use chopsticks.
- You're all set. - 'Oh, thank you so much.'
Oh, oh, wait! You, uh, forgot your, um...your game.
Thank you.
Hey, Rach!
There she is, my perfectly proportioned wife.
Don't look at me, I never get his jokes.
- Thank you? - No, no, don't thank me.
Thank you.
You know, there's not one thing that I would change about you?
Not one single thing!
And definitely not... two single things.
Okay, you're being weird.
Do you want sex, or did you do something bad?
No, no! I just love the way you look
I am warm for your form.
Okay, um, you know the old classics, like, you know
"You look nice?" They're still okay.
Well, yes, yes, but you look nice can mean
that I'm saying your face looks nice.
I want to compliment your body.
I mean..
...I wouldn't change it at all.
And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything
to get any bigger.
Okay..
I mean, you wouldn't want any part of me
to get any bigger would you?
Don't answer that.
Just when you thought that dude
couldn't get any weirder.
I know, why do you think he was so worried
about me getting bigger?
I don't know! What.. I mean, what brought that on?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you know, we're trying to get pregnant
so he's probably starting to freak out
about the fact that my body is gonna change.
No, you really think that's what it is?
You heard him! "No bigger!"
"You're perfect!"
- Ah! - "Just don't get any bigger!"
Oh, my God, he sounded just like
my high school wrestling coach.
Ah..
You know what? I'm gonna have to talk to Chandler.
Yeah. If you don't I will!
Of course your body's gonna change.
Your breasts are gonna get bigger
your ass is gonna get bigger..
...you're gonna lose bladder control.
God! It's just such a magical time!
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
- Hi. - Hey!
Listen, I wanted to ask you
something about marriage.
Oh, great, now you're seeking me out to make jokes?
I mean I can see if we're all hanging out
but to come to my home!
No..
No, I really want to know
how you feel about it.
Why?
Mike doesn't ever wanna get married.
- Never? - Never.
Wow, are you-you still gonna move in with him?
Well, I want to, but..
...I just wanted you to tell me that marriage
really isn't that big a deal, you know
that I won't, I won't be missing out on anything.
That marriage stinks!
Yeah, marriage stinks!
I mean, if you wanna see a man gain weight
and a woman stop shaving?
Get 'em married.
[Phoebe chuckles]
That's not how you really feel, is it?
No, I'm sorry.
Look, I-I know it's not what you wanna hear right now
but I can't help it. I-I love marriage.
Seriously, you divorce-o?
If you have to call me a name, I prefer "Ross the Divorcer."
It's just cooler.
Look, look, I know my marriages didn't exactly work out
but...you know, I-I loved being
that committed to another person.
And Carol and I had some good times
before she became a lesbian..
...and once afterward.
Anyway, I'm-I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay. That's how you feel.
But...come on, I mean, living together will be great.
I mean, you guys have so much fun, and you love Mike.
- I do love Mike. - Yeah, see.
And you were so excited about
moving in together before and you know what?
You should be, it's a big deal.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Yeah, thanks. This helped. Thanks.
The Divorcer to the rescue.
- It's not cooler. - Yeah, I just heard it.
Yeah.
[chuckles]
Rach?
Rachel!
So, I can't do anything I like!
Hey, Rach.
Aah, perfection.
Wouldn't change a thing, not a thing.
- Honey? - Yeah?
About that..
...um...I'm going to change.
Yes, but honey, you-you-you, you don't have to.
I'm gonna get bigger.
Honey, I..
...I love your breasts the way they are.
Uh, fascist.
Well, my breasts are gonna get bigger
whether you like it or not.
And-and you know what? It's not just my breasts.
My ass is gonna get bigger too.
Your ass?
Yeah, and don't be surprised if her hands
and her feet get bigger too.
They do that?
It's kind of a package deal.
God, why, why would you want to do that to yourself?
I thought it was something that we both wanted.
Alright, look, if it means that much to you
I may be able to get on board with the big boobs
but the giant ass and the big clown feet?
Oh, my God, Chandler.
If you can't handle this
what are you gonna be like in the hospital
with the blood and the screaming and the little person
that's shooting out of her?
What?
Joey, why did you tell Chandler
that Monica was getting a boob job?
Because she is.
Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
- Mm-hmm, for your boob job. - Joe.
- Stop it. - It's over.
Okay, so, I'm out $4000
and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
Hey, hey, what do you guys think about this..
Ross, the Divorce Force?
- Better. - Yeah?
Very cool.
Hey, Pheebs, you know, I-I'm, I'm really glad you came
to talk to me the other day
and I-I hope I was a little helpful.
- Oh, yeah, you were helpful. - Oh.
- Yeah. No, thank you. - Good, good.
Yeah, 'cause the more I thought about it, the more I realized
ah, I don't think marriage is necessarily
the right path for you.
What do you mean?
Well, I know the other day
in the coffee house you were all caught up
in the whole soccer-mom thing
but is that really you?
I mean, can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?
They are awfully boxy.
I mean, I don't know
you-you'd be so bored with marriage.
I mean, it's so...normal.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
[thudding] Hey, hey, can, can I help?
Well, we, uh, climbed up four flights of stairs
maneuvered a narrow hallway
dodged a rabid pit bull
but these last three feet are where it gets really tricky.
You know, sometimes your words, they hurt.
Hey, uh, where do you guys want this?
Yeah, seriously, 'cause this is really heavy.
I mean, not for me because I'm only pretending to hold it
but for these guys.
Just one, one last time
um, the marriage thing
there's no wiggle room?
None at all?
No, but you don't wanna get married either, right?
Right.
Except that I do want to get married.
Couldn't have had this conversation
down at the truck, huh?
What? You wanna get married?
Someday.
And hernia.
[clears throat] I haven't exactly had a normal life
and-and I never really felt like
I was missing out on anything
but...it just
it feels like now it's my turn
to have some of the regular stuff.
If you, if you wanted to get married
why didn't you say something before?
Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it
and I-I love you and I wanted to live with you.
Yeah, well, I wanna live with you, too.
I mean, let's do that.
But I don't, I don't think I can.
It was, it was okay to move in
when I didn't know what was gonna happen
but I-I can't move in
knowing nothing is ever gonna happen.
Can you at least try living together?
I mean, you might, you might change your mind about marriage.
Are you gonna change yours?
No.
Me neither.
Um...I think I need to be with someone
who wants what I want.
But I don't want this to end.
Well, I don't want it to end, either.
I can't believe this is gonna end.
I-I guess I'll have my stuff picked up.
Yeah, okay.
[sighs] Okay, so, uh..
Goodbye.
- Take it easy, Mike. - Good luck.
- Bye-bye, Mike. - See you later, Mike.
Bye-bye, now.
I'm so sorry, Pheebs.
We're all sorry.
Well, look on the bright side, I mean, at least
you won't have to live with this ugly chair.
- That was here already, huh? - Mm-hmm.
I love you.
[grunts]
Whoo! I did it!
I did it! Ha-ha!
Alright.
I better take all I can carry.
Who knows when I'll be able to get in here again, huh?
[theme music]