Guys, guys, I've got great news!
- Guess what? - Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant!
Really?
Let's get past the moment.
- What-what's your news? - Thank you.
I got a job in advertising.
- 'Oh!' - Hey!
Oh, honey, that's incredible!
Gosh, what's the pay like?
Oh, come on, people..
Come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most
how do I know who I like the most! Hey, Joey!
Well, actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship.
Oh, that's cool. We have interns at "Days Of Our Lives."
Right, so it'll be the same except..
...less sex with you.
So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there?
Well, it's a training program, but at the end
they hire the people they like.
- That's great. - Yeah.
I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work
which will probably stink.
You know, grown man getting people coffee
is a little humiliating.
Humiliating and noble!
Thank you.
You know, if, if I didn't already have a job
I-I think, I would have been really good in advertising.
Ross, you did not come up with "Got milk?"
Yes, I did, I did!
I should have written it down!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Hey. Where's Chandler? - Hey.
I wanna wish him good luck on his first day.
And I smelled bacon. Ha ha.
- He just left. - Who did?
Joey! You're never gonna believe it, she called.
- She did? - You got it.
- I did? - Wha-what is she talking about?
I don't know, but it sounds great!
No, your agent called. You got that audition.
- With Leonard Hayes? - Yes!
Oh, my God! That is great.
That is great, it's for a play on Broadway
and in a real theatre, not that little one
underneath the deli like last time.
- Is it a good play? - Well, it must be.
Because I read it, and I didn't understand a single word!
And Leonard Hayes is starring in it.
Yeah, yeah, and directing.
Oh. He was so good in that movie of "Macbeth."
You saw that?
No, but I-I saw the previews.
They played it right before "Jackass."
- Ah. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He has, yeah, he's done some amazing work.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I loved him in those cellphone commercials.
I know, when the monkey hits him in the face
with that giant rubber phone.
Hey, maybe the monkey will be at the audition.
Don't make me more nervous than I already am!
[instrumental music]
Good morning, everybody.
Can I get you a cup of coffee, sir?
Oh, no, no, I'm an intern.
Just like you guys..
...except for the tie, the briefcase
and...the fact that I can rent a car.
Seriously, you're an intern?
Yeah, well, I'm kinda heading into a new career direction.
And, you know, you gotta start at the bottom.
Dude.
Alright, look, I know I'm a little bit older
than you guys, but it's not like I'm Bob Hope.
The comedian? "USO?"
Uh, it's USA, sir.
[instrumental music]
This is Joey Tribbiani.
Joey, these are the producers, and as you probably
already know, this is Leonard Hayes.
- Thanks. - Wow.
It is so amazing to meet you.
I am such a big fan of your work.
Well, I've, uh, I've been blessed
with, uh, a lot of, a lot of great roles.
Oh, tell me about it, huh.
"Unlimited nights and weekends!"
Are you making fun of me?
Because I am not a sellout!
I didn't do that for the money. I believe in those phones.
I almost lost a cousin..
...because of bad wireless service.
No, no. I-I, I wasn't making fun of you, honestly.
I-I think you were great in those commercials.
- Really? - Yeah.
Well, I do bring a certain
credibility to the role. It's true.
Are you kidding? When they shoot you out of that cannon..
Hang up that phone!
- One take. - Wow.
We did that in one take.
So, shall we, uh, read?
- Oh, yeah, sure. - Top of act two.
(Leonard) 'This is my entrance.'
- 'You got it?' - Mm-hmm.
What the hell are you still doing here?
Ooh! Uh..
- I think you know. - Bastard!
I am what you made me. You know what?
- I could go right now. - Go, go!
I can't.
Oh, I want to, Long Pause.
But I can't.
I'm so sorry.
You-you, you're not
supposed to say, "Long pause."
Oh. Oh!
Oh, I thought that was your character's name, you know?
I thought you were, like, an Indian or something.
You know, with the..
- Sorry. - Long pause. No.
Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate it. Thank you.
Well, are you, are you sure you don't want me to do it again?
- I could do it, with an accent? - No, no, no.
You know, Southern.
[Jamaican accent] "I could go right now, man."
Huh?
My God in heaven.
Joey, hang on for a second.
Leonard, can we talk to you for a moment?
- Yes. - I'm gonna bring him back.
You, you've got to be kidding me.
- 'See, he-he can't act.' - 'I can work with him--'
Hey, I-I-I don't care if you think he's hot.
You know, if you wanna sleep with him
do it on your own time. This is a play.
- 'Leonard, I'm bringing him--' - 'No, listen!'
If you insist on this, I will call my agent
so fast on a cellphone, that has a connection
that is so clear, he's gonna think I'm next door!
Uh, hi, uh, thank you so much
for whispering for my benefit.
But, um, look, if you just tell me what I did wrong
I would love to work on it, and come back
and try it again for you.
And-and, also, how you doin'?
If you please, just-just give me another chance.
I really wanna get better. Please.
Really?
Well, if you wanna come back
at the end of the day today..
...here are my notes. Ready?
- Yeah. - Um, you're in your head.
You're-you're thinking way too much.
I really doubt that.
No, no, no, it's that, it's that you're not connected
with anything in your body. There's no urgency.
- The scene is a struggle. - Uh-huh.
- It's a, it's a race. - Uh-huh.
Also, what you did was horizontal.
Don't be afraid to explore the vertical, you know?
- Uh-huh. - And don't learn the words.
Let the words learn you.
Couldn't I just sleep with the producer?
Hey, do you wanna go to dinner tonight?
Oh, I can't, I've-I've got a date
with that waitress, uh, Katie.
Yeah. I-I know we've only gone out
like, twice, but I don't know.
I have a really good feeling about her.
- Oh, I hear divorce bells. - Uh.
Alright, just give me your wallets
and there won't be a problem.
- What? - I have a gun.
O-okay, just-just relax, Phoebe.
Just stay calm.
Oh, my God, I can't find my wallet!
Alright, lady, now give me your purse.
- No. - What do you mean, no?
I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay!
- What? Lowell, is that you? - Phoebe?
- Oh, my God! - Unbelievable. Oh, my God.
Oh, well, I'm sorry, Ross
this is my old friend, Lowell from the streets.
- Lowell, Ross. - Ross, nice to meet you.
Yeah, a real pleasure.
Oh. It's been so long.
- Oh, so long. - Ah.
I can't believe you're still doing this.
Oh, I know. But I quit smoking.
Good for you.
So, you look like you're doing really well.
I guess your mugging days are behind you.
Oh.
Oh, my God!
Phoebe, you used to mug people?
Excuse me, Ross, uh, old friends catching up.
- Hey. - Hey. How did the audition go?
Well, they wanna see me again this afternoon
but, uh, boy, Leonard Hayes did not like me.
Well, what happened?
Well, he said I wasn't urgent enough
you know, and that everything I did was horizontal
and I should be more vertical.
Oh, and he said that I should think less.
Well, so far, so good.
Honey, I'm old.
What's wrong?
I am so much older than these other interns.
I can't-I can't compete with them.
Honey, so you're a little older. Try to look at the positive.
You have all this life experience.
Yes, but I don't think life experience
is gonna help me... with these.
Wow!
It's like they're on fire!
What are they?
They're these prototype sneakers
and I have to come up with ideas
on how to sell them, which I can't do
because no self-respecting adult would ever wear these.
I'll give you $500 for 'em.
What am I supposed to do with these?
Alright, come on. Sneakers are easy.
You wear sneakers all the time.
Well, first of all they're not called "Sneakers" anymore.
Apparently, they're called, "Kicks" or "Skids."
And I think heard somebody say, "Slorps."
Here, look, they got these wheels
that pop out from the bottom, so you can roll around
because, apparently, walking is too much exercise.
"Kids! Kids!
Roll your way to childhood obesity."
Would you help me try to sell these?
Okay, have you considered using
a girl with huge knockers?
I don't think that's the kind of thing they're looking for.
Hey, that'd work on me.
Why do you think I buy Mrs. Butterworth's?
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, you'll never guess what just happened.
Phoebe and I got mugged!
- Are you okay? - 'Yeah.'
Because, Phoebe knew the mugger.
How do you know a mugger?
I'm sorry, I have friends outside the six of us.
You wanna know how she knew him?
Because Phoebe used to mug people.
Seriously?
Well, I'm not proud of it.
But, you know, sometimes
when I was living on the street
and I needed money for food and stuff, I..
Phoebe, that is awful.
Well, yeah, okay, I wasn't rich
like you guys, okay?
I didn't eat gold and have a flying pony.
I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer.
- Your mother killed herself. - She was a drug dealer!
Well, anyway, it was a good thing Phoebe knew him
because I was about to do some serious damage.
[chuckling] Okay.
Wow, this must have brought back some really
bad memories for you, Ross.
Why?
Well, Ross was mugged as a kid.
- You were? - Yeah.
And it was pretty traumatic.
It was outside St. Mark's Comics.
You know, I-I was just there minding my own business
you know, seeing what kind of trouble
Spider Man got into that week.
[coughing] Wonder Woman.
Anyway, I was heading towards this bakery, you know
to pick up a couple of dozen Linzer tortes for someone.
When out of nowhere, this-this-this thug
with a pipe jumps out and says, "Give me your money, punk!"
- Oh, my God. - I know.
And-and-and the worst part was, they took my backpack
which had all the original artwork I had done
for my own comic book, "Science Boy."
Oh, yeah. What-what was his superpower again?
A superhuman thirst for knowledge.
I-I-I better get to class.
Are there any more of your friends I should
look out for on my way, Phoebe?
No. Actually, you might wanna stay away from Jane Street.
That's where Stabby Joe works.
Okay, I think we have a problem here.
What?
Well, um, back in my mugging days
you know, I, um, I worked St. Mark's Comics.
Yeah?
Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice
and, um, pre-teen comic book nerds were my meat.
So?
Well, there was this one kid
who had a sticker on his backpack that said
- "Geology rocks." - "Geology rocks."
- Oh, my God! - I know! I mugged Ross!
[instrumental music]
- You're late. - I know, I'm sorry.
But, uh, can I just have a quick second
to run to the bathroom?
No. Leonard doesn't wait.
But I am bursting with yoo-hoo.
Joey, here we go!
Let's go, very quickly.
Actually, I really need--
We must go now, quickly, please.
Yeah, okay, yes, sir.
Aah.
(Leonard) 'Ready?'
What the hell are you still doing here?
I think you know.
- Oh, you sick bastard. - I am what you made me.
- You know what? - What?
I could go right now.
- Then go, go. - Oh, I-I-I can't.
I want to, but I can't.
Cut. That was good.
That was very good. You did everything I asked for.
- I did? - Yes.
Plus, what, you've got this, I don't know
what you got going, this squirmy quality
that you're bringing to the character
that I couldn't have even imagined. Wow.
Hey, here's what we're gonna do.
Come back tomorrow for the final callbacks
with the backers, do all of this
what you got going now, but you know what? More. More.
- Can you do that? - Sure, yeah.
I-I don't have time to say thank you
because I really got to go.
Look at that. Still in character.
I like it.
I plant seeds..
...I can't explain it.
I don't know.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. What are you doing? - Hey. Putting on the sneakers.
Thought I'd get in the younger mindset.
You know, see if it sparked anything.
- Oh, anything yet? - Yes, how's this?
"They're so uncomfortable, it's like getting kicked
in the nuts for your feet."
- Hey. - 'Hey.'
[Joey humming]
Probably wondering what I'm doing.
No, that seems about right.
Well, yesterday, at my audition, I really had to pee
and apparently, having to pee makes me a really good actor.
I got a callback, so I'm drinking everything.
- Oh, hey, by the way. - Mm-hmm.
That eggnog in our fridge was great.
Joey, that was formula.
We got to get more of that.
You know what, these aren't half bad.
You should suggest something like these to Ralph Lauren.
Okay, first of all, that's stupid.
And second of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph.
Alright.
I feel younger already.
(Chandler) 'Yeah, I think I broke my hip.'
- Hey, you. - Hey.
Hey. How was class?
No one ever asks me that. What's wrong?
- Nothing. I really wanna know. - Oh, uh..
Well, um, it was actually a rather lively discussion
about the Pleistocene--
Alright, nothing is worth this.
Um, I have a, I have a confession to make.
Um, okay, you know that, um, that girl that mugged you
when you were a kid?
What-what are you talking about?
It wasn't a girl.
It was this-this huge dude.
You don't have to lie anymore, Ross.
I know that it was a 14-year-old girl.
- No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was!
No, it wasn't!
You don't think I-I would have defended myself
against a 14-year-old--
Give your money, punk.
Oh, my God, it was you!
I can't believe it. You...you mugged me?
Yeah. And I'm so, so sorry, Ross.
I'm sorry.
But, you know, if you think
about it, it's kind of neat.
I mean, well, it-it's just that
I've always felt kind of like an outsider.
You know, the rest of you have
these connections that go way back.
And, you know, now, you and I have..
...have a great one.
It's not the best!
I know. I'm s.. Please, forgive me.
- I don't know what to say. - There's nothing you can say.
That was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me.
Really? Even more humiliating than--
You know, let's not do this!
And then, at the end of the commercial
the girls get out of the hot tub
start making out with each other.
Huh? Huh? Huh?
That's interesting.
Just one thought.
You didn't mention the shoes.
Who's next? Chandler.
Okay. You start on the image of a guy putting on the shoes.
He's about my age.
- Your age? - Uh-huh!
So he's rolling down the street, and he starts to lose control.
You know, maybe he falls. Maybe he hurts himself.
Just then, a kid comes flying by wearing the shoes.
He jumps over the old guy and laughs.
And the line reads, "Not suitable for adults."
Uh, Chandler, that's great.
Ah, thank you, sir.
Or man-who's-two-years- younger-than-me.
You see? That has a clear selling point.
It appeals to our key demographic, it's..
- How did you come up with that? - I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know!
I was just, I was trying to get into a young mindset
and, you know, stuff started to flow.
That is great.
- Good work. - Thank you.
We'll see all of you tomorrow.
The cold weather hurts my hip.
Hey, Ross.
Okay, look, I know you're still mad at me
but can I just talk to you for a sec?
Sure, go ahead. Oh, sorry. Sure, go ahead.
I just really wanted to apologize again.
And-and also show you something
I think you'll find very exciting.
Oh, my God! "Crap from the street!"
Look, Ross, in this box are all the things I got from mugging
that I thought were too special to sell...or smoke.
Anyway, I was looking through it and I found..
"Science Boy."
[gasps] Oh, my God.
I never thought I'd see this again.
- Yeah. - What? Uh..
- It's all here. - Yeah.
Oh, I-I.. What?
What made you save it all these years?
I guess I just thought it was really good.
And-and maybe it would be worth something, one day.
You really thought "Science Boy" was worth saving?
Well, yeah.
But you should know, I also have a jar of Vaseline
and a cat skull in here.
Still, this-this is amazing.
Oh, my God. Thank you, Phoebe.
You're welcome.
And thank you, for "Science Boy."
I learned a lot from him.
You're welcome.
I need an answer!
I-I-I can't tell you something I don't know.
- You know! - I don't know.
I need an answer, now!
Alright, alright. Here, you want an answer?
The answer is..
Oh!
...she never loved me. She only loved you.
You knew this all along and you never told me?
You never told me? I can never forgive you!
I can never forgive myself. I have nothing to live for!
Bang, end scene!
Absolutely amazing.
[applause]
- The part is yours. - Oh, thanks.
Thanks. Now I really have to get going..
Wait, wait, wait.
- Congratulations. - Okay.
You did it. You did it.
Oh, you can relax now. Yeah.
[sighs]
[instrumental music]
Wow. That's a big cable bill.
Huh, you don't have a job
but you have no problem ordering porn.
On a Saturday afternoon?
I was in the house!
Hey, uh, Phoebe didn't by any chance mention that--
She was the huge guy that-that mugged you? Yeah.
I see. You-you didn't happen to tell--
Everybody we know? Yeah.
Great. Thanks.
[theme music]