[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Yeah.
Oh, yeah, okay. Sure.
Look, can we, can we talk about what happened here last night?
Sure. Just give me a second to get all huffy
and weird like you.
[clears throat]
Do you believe that whoever did something over here last night
did what they did or didn't do?
I mean, come on.
Oh, okay, you-you really
you really don't know what I'm talking about?
- No. - Okay.
Last night, after the party, I saw Rachel
kissing that jerk from her office out on your balcony.
Our balcony? Seriously?
That's so funny because I told Monica
we should put lights on our balcony
and she said, no, no, it's too cold.
Nobody will go out there and I said
maybe if we put some lights out there, they will.
Right, that's what I came over to talk about.
Um, I saw Rachel kissing some guy on your balcony
even though there were no lights!
[sighs] So are you gonna..
...talk to her?
What? Why? Why should I?
I mean, if she wants to move on, that's fine.
You know, when that's fine sounds true?
When someone yells it and spits.
No, I'm, I'm serious.
I mean, if she wants to date people, I..
Fine, I don't care, but she..
At least she could have told me.
You know, I-I've been putting my life on hold
and just concentrating on Emma.
But if she wants to go out there
kissing guys she barely knows
well, then, so will I.
Very funny. Ross is gay. Ha ha.
Oh, no, no. Good. So you're moving on.
Do you have any idea where you're moving on to?
I don't know. I've got plenty of opportunities, huh.
I mean, just-just now, just now there was some woman
at the coffee house smiled at me.
And then, uh, the other day on the subway
a woman accidentally sat on my hand.
Dude, don't rub my face in your crazy single life.
Well, and then, how about this?
There's an anthropologist at school who totally came on to me
during the interdepartmental potluck dinner.
Why did I get married?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, uh, let me ask you guys something.
I'll have a new headshots taken tomorrow, right?
And the photographer said that she thinks
I should have my eyebrows waxed.
Is that weird for a guy?
- Well, it depends. - On?
On how far along he is in the sex change process.
No, I totally disagree.
No, I-I think it's fine for a guy
to do something like that.
- Especially an actor. - Hey.
I mean, not that you need to. Your-your eyebrows are..
What? Okay, stop it, you guys.
Stop staring. You're freaking me out.
Wow, your knuckles are kinda hairy too.
Oh, man, now, I have to get those done too?
Wow. Talk about high maintenance.
Hey, hey, hey. You dye your hair.
I'm a woman.
Ah! Double standards.
Oh, before I forget
are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight?
Only if I don't have to get up and sing.
But everybody sings. It's so much fun.
Last time this adorable old man got up there.
Forgot all the words, flipped out
everyone booed him off the stage.
It was so funny.
I'm just.. I'm not good at singing.
Oh, what's the matter?
Are you scared?
Huh? You're afraid I'm a better singer?
You're afraid I'm gonna beat you at singing?
Nope, nope. It's-it's not working on me.
Wow. I must be growing up.
Okay, fine.
Just, please come and support Mike.
You don't have to sing.
Wait, so I don't have to sing, and I can just
sit there and pass judgment on others?
- While drinking. - I'm there.
Hi, you guys. Listen, I really need your help.
I think I did something really stupid.
Well, yes, Rachel, but you got something
so beautiful out of it.
No, not that! I kissed Gavin last night.
- Oh, my God! - You kissed him?
Yeah, but it was after the party
we were on the balcony, and--
Wait, wait, wait, I was at home the whole time.
But how did I miss that?
Well, it was the end of the party.
You were probably ironing wrapping paper.
Oh, yeah.
So ho-how did you end up kissing?
Well, we were all alone
and he was being really nice to me
and, oh, he, and he gave me this scarf.
I-I thought you hated him?
Well, you know, honey, there is a thin line
between love and hate, and, uh, it turns out that line..
...is a scarf.
So are-are you thinking of starting
something up with this guy?
I don't know. It's so complicated.
I work with this guy, you know?
I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just..
I don't know what to do.
And I have to be at the office
and see Gavin in ten minutes.
Wow, sounds like you need to think about what you want
and talk to Gavin, and you definitely should talk to Ross.
Or..
...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all.
Wow, five month's maternity leave
you're back for four days
kiss a co-worker and call in sick.
They are lucky to have you.
[instrumental music]
- Hi. - Hi.
I, uh..
I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.
- Name? - Chandler Bing.
Okay, very good.
Have a seat right over here, Mr. Bing
and Sonya will be right with you.
- Okay, thanks. - Mm-hmm.
Ooh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Uh-oh.
I, uh, I touched the stuff.
I'll take care of it.
[chuckles]
Thanks.
So do you, uh..
Do you get a lot of guys in here?
Oh, absolutely.
- Oh, good. - Yeah.
- You looking to meet somebody? - Alright.
Let's just do this, okay?
Okay. Uh, we'll get to the wax in a minute.
First, I want to tweeze some of the strays, okay?
Now, this may sting just a little bit.
Please, I have an extremely high threshold for..
Holy Mother of God!
Oh! My face! My face! Oh!
[sighs]
- I'm alright. I'm alright. - Yeah.
I'm alright.
Just a, uh..
...bit of a shock is all.
But, uh, I'll be fine. You can go again, I'm okay.
Okay. Ahem!
Sorry.
Damn it, woman!
[groaning]
Okay.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
It's the most eligible man in New York.
- How's the moving on going? - Not well.
I went on the subway again, and someone did sit on my hand
but that person was neither female, nor wearing pants.
Well, maybe you're going about this the wrong way.
You know, I mean think about it.
Single white male, divorced three times
two illegitimate children.
The personal ad writes itself.
[chuckles] You know, that's funny, yeah.
Do you, so, do you think you'll ever work again?
What are you doing? You know I can only dish it out.
I can't believe Rachel just moved on
and-and didn't say anything to me.
Look, maybe she didn't move on, you know?
I mean, maybe that kiss was just an impulsive
one-time birthday thing.
No. About a month ago she gave her number to some guy in a bar.
- Did she go out with him? - No.
When he called, I-I threw the message away.
Ah, the high road.
Alright, you know what? Enough, enough talking.
I-I have to get moving.
Hey, check out those two blonds over there.
Hey, come with me.
Are you trying to get everybody divorced?
Come on, you don't have to do anything.
It'll just be easier if it's the two of us.
Like college. Huh, remember?
First, you, uh, break the ice
with some kind of a joke, so they know you're the funny one
then I swoop in with some interesting conversation
so they'll see that I'm the brilliant, brooding sexy one.
I thought I got to make the jokes.
Don't you have to be at work?
Oh, come on!
Uh, hello. Hi, uh, my name's Chandler.
Uh, this is my friend, Ross right here.
And, uh, we were wondering, you know, if you're up for it.
We only need six more people for a human pyramid.
Swoop, swoop!
Uh, so, um..
Oh, hey, I-I notice you're reading the paper.
Uh...another flood in Europe, huh?
Um, here's a question.
Would you, would you rather drown or be burned alive?
Uh, sorry. We're just leaving.
Okay.
We still got it.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
- Who is it? - 'Gavin.'
'I brought you some soup.'
- Why? - 'Uh, I-I heard you were sick.'
Oh, right. Yeah.
Hold on, let me just clean up in here a little bit.
Hello, Gavin.
I missed you at work today. How you feeling?
I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm pretty sick.
Oh, good.
Because I was having a totally paranoid moment
where I thought you called in sick to avoid me.
Oh, no, no, no.
[coughs]
So, I had fun last night.
So did I.
Exactly how contagious is this thing you have?
I mean, is it a cold from standing on the balcony
or did, uh, monkey bite ya?
It's just a cold.
You have a fever?
- Let me see. - Mmm.
Mmm.
- Um. - What?
What is it? What's the matter?
What's Ross doing to you in that picture?
Oh, he's...dusting me with a fossil brush.
He thought it would be funny.
Right.
- Right. - Yeah.
- Ross. - Yeah.
[sighs] So what's the deal with you guys?
I don't want to get in the middle of anything.
Oh, you're not. You're not.
You're not getting in the middle of anything.
Don't worry about Ross. Really, really..
[keys jingling] Oh, hide! That's Ross. Hide.
- Hide, hide. - Yeah.
But you said not to worry about--
I lied, and I'm not sick either.
Just stay behind the curtain!
- Hi. - Oh, Molly.
You're not Ross.
No. I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember?
Right. Yes, yes.
Don't panic.
What?
There's a man behind your curtain.
[Velcro rips] I have mace in my purse--
No, that's okay, that's okay, that's..
No, no, no, no. This is my business associate, Gavin.
He's just being silly.
Gavin, come out from behind that curtain, you..
Hi. Gavin. Pleased to meet you.
It was my idea to stand there.
Well, hello. I'll, uh, I'll just go get Emma.
(Rachel) 'Okay.'
[clears throat]
So, um... why did I have to hide?
- I thought it was Ross. - So what if it was?
I thought there was nothing going on between you two.
There isn't. There totally isn't.
You hear keys in the hall, and you jump like a young bronco
coming out of the chute for the first time.
I used to be a rodeo clown.
Wow.
Um, alright, look, Gavin.
I..
I guess I-I felt guilty that you were here
which I shouldn't.
You know, Ross and I are not in a relationship but..
...he is the father of my child.
And you know, we..
[sighs] We do live together
and plus there's just so much history, you know?
It's just.. I-I don't know. I'm sorry.
I'm-I'm just all over the place.
It's okay.
Now, I know, it's probably not my place
but can I give you a piece of advice?
Yes.
I think you should talk to Ross about all this.
People keep saying that.
Oh, I'm sorry, Gavin.
Don't be.
It's just bad timing.
Mmm.
So seriously, rodeo clown?
One of the best, ma'am. One of the best.
[instrumental "We Are The Champions"]
♪ No time for losers ♪
♪ 'Cause we are the champions ♪
♪ Of the world ♪♪
Oh, she's my girlfriend.
That's not just how we do it here.
Uh, alright, I'm gonna take a little break
and, uh, when we come back
we've got Kenneth singing "I Touch Myself."
I'm not here to judge.
[chuckles]
- Oh, you have got to sing. - No, I told you I can't.
But you would have so much fun.
And you have a really nice voice.
Oh! When have you heard me sing?
All the time, when you're cooking.
- What? - Yeah, you're always singing.
Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy.
Yeah, I do rock that one.
Okay, so isn't there just a little part of you
that wants to get up there?
Oh, just a little, but it's just..
God, it's so scary.
I mean, I don't even know what I would sing.
- Well, I've got a book around-- - "Delta Dawn."
[instrumental music]
Hi. I, uh, I couldn't help but notice, uh
but that's-that's an unusual necklace.
You already hit on me an hour ago.
Right. So that's a firm no.
I don't believe this. I just keep striking out.
I don't get it either.
I mean, you're obviously desperate.
You're asking women how they want to be killed.
Oh, this is great.
Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she find the one she wants
and I'm-I'm gonna die alone.
By drowning or..
Why would he break up with me?
Oh, I don't know, sweetie.
All I ever wanted was to just love him
and have him love me back.
I mean, am I so unlovable?
[female #1 sobbing]
- Wow. - I know!
[instrumental music]
[piano music]
Alright, that was Kenneth
with his much too literal rendition
of "I Touch Myself."
Coming up next, we've got Monica singing "Delta Dawn."
Oh, wait, wait. I can't sing in front of all these people.
Well, just pretend they're not even here.
It's okay, Monica, once that spotlight hits you
it's so bright, you won't see anyone anyway.
Oh.
Hi, I'm Monica, and I'm going to be singing "Delta Dawn."
[crowd applauding]
[piano music]
Ooh!
♪ Delta Dawn ♪
♪ What's that flower you have on ♪
♪ Could it be a faded rose ♪
♪ From days gone by ♪
Can you totally see through her shirt?
Like an X-ray.
Bad day not to wear a bra.
♪ Take you to that mansion in the sky ♪
Hey! I need your help.
Wow, it seems serious.
What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?
Okay, look, I'm getting new headshots taken, alright?
So I went to get my eyebrows shaped--
I'm sorry. Moment to make fun of that, please.
Okay, I may be a sissy, but I'll still pound you into the ground.
Alright, look, it hurt so bad
I could only let her do one eyebrow, and now..
...they don't match!
Huh?
It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama.
Alright, alright, look, you've got to help me out, okay?
Look, I have a magic marker.
I want you to fill in the skinny one
so I don't look stupid for my pictures.
Okay, first of all, this is green.
Oh! Well, what the hell am I supposed to do?
Alright, I will help you out, but you have to promise me
you will not tell anyone what I'm about to tell you.
What? What?
Okay.
You know how most kids get their allowance
from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage?
Well, I earned mine by plucking the eyebrows
of my father and his..
...business partners.
[laughs]
Oh, my God.
Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help, Victor Victoria.
Okay. Oh, oh, no, no, no, I do, I do. I do. I need your help.
But, Chandler, I don't know if I can take any more plucking.
- It hurt so bad. - Oh.
Not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe vera
and my gentle self-loathing touch.
♪ To take you to that mansion ♪
♪ In the sky ♪♪
(in unison) Aww!
I'm sorry. The song's over.
No. Hey!
Did you see me up there?
Every little bit of you.
I-I can't believe I did it.
I can't believe I sang in front of people and they liked me.
Hey, did you hear that one guy shouting "Look at those tips?"
I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips?
Sure.
Well, okay, Mon, not that you didn't sound good--
Good? Did-didn't you hear them? I was great!
Oh, thank you so much for making me do this.
That is the best gift ever.
Also a good gift, underwear.
[instrumental music]
Thank you so much for letting me do this.
Public bathrooms freak me out.
I can't even pee, let alone do anything else.
But what's great is you don't mind talking about it.
God, it's so amazing that I met you
on the same day that Eric broke up with me
'cause it's like, you lose a boyfriend
you get a boyfriend.
Uh-huh.
No, no, no. Don't worry, this is not some rebound thing.
I am totally over Eric.
Phew!
Good choice, Ross.
Oh, hey! Hi. There you are.
I've been looking for you everywhere.
Oh, yeah, hello. Well, here, here I am.
Hey, listen, my mom is not bringing
the baby back until 9 o'clock.
So I was hoping you and I could have a chance to kind..
[toilet flushes]
- Somebody here? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- That's Michelle. - Who?
Oh, just this woman I've been seeing.
- You've been seeing someone? - Yeah, didn't I mention that?
Yeah, uh, yeah. Uh, uh..
I mean, we haven't been going out too long, but, uh..
Well, there's this amazing connection between us.
Um, I-I-I mean, in-in fact just before you came in
she called me her boyfriend.
I thought it was a little too soon
but also, you know, it felt kind of nice.
What are you taking amoxicillin for?
How great is this?
You-you're already comfortable enough
to-to look through my stuff.
Uh, I'm sorry, Michelle, this is my roommate, Rachel.
Hi, and I'm also Emma's mother.
Oh, who's Emma?
Oh, I-I told you about my daughter.
This is your daughter?
I could be your new mommy.
[instrumental music]
And done.
Oh, my God! I didn't feel a thing.
Hey, are you still looking for a job?
'Cause you could tweeze circles around
that sadistic bitch at the salon.
Thanks. You wanna see what it looks like?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, they totally match.
They look great. They look great.
How you doin'?
Yeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty good.
I was a little bit worried that I was, uh
uncovering a birthmark right about there.
But it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.
Huh. Oh, well, hey, Chandler, thank you so much.
- No problem. - Listen, uh..
That was a pretty girly hour we just spent.
We should probably do something manly to make up for it.
Yeah.
- Curl my eyelashes. - Yeah!
[instrumental music]
Okay, for my next song, I think I'll sing something
a little more upbeat, alright?
Um, oh, how about The Pointer Sisters
"I'm So Excited?"
And make it bouncy.
Well, you'll probably take care of that on your end.
I'm sorry, I'm late.
You'll understand when you see Joey.
Honey, honey, you're just in time.
I'm about to sing another song.
Really? In front of all these people?
- And they love me! - Oh, my God.
Yeah, she gives the people what they want.
- Okay! - Alright, watch!
[piano music]
♪ Tonight tonight ♪
♪ We're gonna make it happen ♪
♪ Tonight we'll put all other things aside ♪
♪ Get in this time and show me some affection ♪
Are those my wife's nipples?
♪ We're going for those.. ♪
Oh, isn't that funny? I didn't see that before.
I wouldn't have let her go up again.
Well, I've got to stop this.
♪ Wrap myself around you ♪
(in unison) Aw!
(in unison) Yeah! Yeah!
Ah, who cares? They still love me.
♪ I'm so excited.. ♪
You! Touching yourself!
Out!
♪ I'm about to.. ♪♪
[toilet flushes]
Wow. She does that a lot.
Ross, you didn't tell me you were a doctor.
Well, well, wait a minute, you haven't even told her
that you were a doctor yet?
How long have you know her? Like an hour?
Actually, about an hour and a half.
I-I told you it wasn't long, but, uh
there's an amazing connection between us.
You feel that, too? Oh!
I thought that that was just me!
Well, are-are you kidding?
Um, hey, do you wanna go away this weekend?
We'll see.
Okay, Ross, what's going on here?
Are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now?
I don't know, are we just kissing guys on balconies?
What? How do you know about that?
Through the magic of sight!
I was here putting our child to sleep--
Emma.
When I happened to look through the window
and see you kissing a guy you've known for what?
- A week? - Oh, God.
Is that what this is all about?
Did you bring her up here to get back at me?
No, actually, see, I had to pee
'cause I can't use public bathrooms
because of the doody parasites.
Okay, Michelle, it's time to go.
- Well, call me. - Okay.
No wait! You don't have my phone number.
Um, you know what? If it's meant to be, I'll guess it.
Bye-bye.
Score.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you not like her?
Because I was hoping maybe we could come
to one of your kissing parties on the balcony.
Oh, God, you know, I can't believe you're making
such a big deal about this.
It was one kiss, one guy, one time.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Oh, really?
Oh, yeah.
What about the guy from the bar?
What, who?
The guy you gave your number to.
How do you know about that?
Because he called here looking for you.
So don't tell me this-this kissing this guy from work
is a one-time thing, okay?
'Cause you've been out there in-in bars and on balconies
for over a month now
and you didn't even have the courtesy to tell me.
Why didn't I get that message?
- What? - From the guy in the bar.
Why didn't I get that message?
Because I folded it up and put it in my pants pocket.
Do you, do you not look there?
Ross.
[sighs] I never gave it to you.
Why?
- I don't-I don't know. - Oh, God.
You know what? I don't.. Who do you think you are?
Who are you to decide what messages I should
or should not get?
- Who am I? - Yes!
I'm the guy who's taking care of our baby
while you're out at bars meeting guys.
Oh, my God, I cannot believe you.
You know, I actually came in here hoping
to have a mature conversation with you about us.
But I can't do that with someone who-who hides my messages
and brings crazy women back to my apartment.
Hey! None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me.
That's not.. It's not the point, okay?
The point is you-you are the one who moved on
and didn't tell anyone.
Oh, God, Ross, this is just so messed up!
[sighs] What is wrong with us?
You know, when people hear about our situation, they always ask
"What y-you live together, but you're not a couple?
And yet you have a baby? Isn't that weird?"
And I say, "You know, you know what?
It's not, because it works for us."
But you know what? This doesn't work.
In fact, this is the-the opposite of working.
Uh, clearly.
And you know..
...we said that we would, we would live together
as long as this makes sense.
And maybe this, you know, just doesn't make sense anymore.
Yeah, maybe not.
So what do you want to do?
[knock on door]
- Hey. - Hi.
Can Emma and I live here for a while?
God, uh..
- Of course. - Thank you.
Your eyebrows look weird.
[instrumental music]
[piano music]
♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪
♪ Was a good friend of mine ♪
♪ Never understood a single word he said ♪
♪ But I helped him drink his wine ♪♪
So you'll just touch yourself for anything?