[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Good morning, tiger.
I'm makin' you a nice big breakfast
so you can keep up your strength for tonight.
You're gonna get me good and pregnant.
I've got nowhere to go this morning.
I'm unemployed. I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.
Wow. I just lost my erection.
No, I mean, what am I supposed to do with myself?
You're supposed to find your passion in life.
You can be whatever you wanna be now. It's exciting.
Well, it's all so overwhelming.
I mean, I don't know where to start.
Hey, wait a second. I can help you with this.
You just need to be organized.
Okay, we-we can make a list of your qualifications
and categorize jobs by industry.
There-there could be folders and files!
Hey, this is where your hyper-organized
pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off!
I know!
My erection is back!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Thank you.
Joey, can I have a sip of your coffee
and a bite of your muffin?
- Okay. - Thank you.
Thank you!
Uh, Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry Italian?
I'm sorry. It's just, I'm a little short on cash.
Oh, well, if you want, I could loan you some money?
Oh, no, no, no. I learned never to borrow money from friends.
No, that-that's why Richard Dreyfuss
and I don't speak anymore.
Oh, hey, how about this?
Wanna be an extra on my show?
- You could do that? - Yeah, yeah.
The pay is pretty good and you could do it
for as long as you need.
Oh, my God, I'm gonna be on TV.
Okay, now, I gotta tell you
bein' on TV isn't as glamorous and exciting as you think.
- Oh, really? - No, it is awesome!
- Hey, guys. - Hey! Hey.
Oh, wow!
Hey, why are you all dressed up?
Oh, Rachel and I are bringing Emma to Ralph Lauren today
to introduce her to everyone.
- 'Doesn't she look cute?' - She sure does.
Wh-why does she have a pink bow taped to her head?
Well, because if one more person says, "What a cute little boy"
I'm gonna whip em' with a car antenna.
I think she's gonna be the hit of the office, huh?
Yeah, she's gonna be hotter than, uh
than peasant blouses and A-line skirts.
Can I get a blue bow?
[instrumental music]
Okay, I have looked through a bunch of career guides
photocopied, and highlighted key passages
and put them into alphabetical folders
so you can make an informed decision.
How long was I in there?
Okay, let's start with the A's.
Advertising.
Wait. Advertising. That's a great idea.
But don't you wanna look through the rest?
I don't think I have to hear the rest.
Advertising makes perfect sense.
Sorry, you had to waste all this time though.
You call eight hours alone with my label maker wasted time?
Ooh, now I'll get to use my shredder!
I mean, I can write slogans.
I mean, how hard could it be, right?
Cheese. It's milk that you chew.
Crackers. Because your cheese needs a buddy.
A grape.
Because who can get a watermelon in your mouth?
I got one. Socks.
Because your family's feet deserve the best.
Honey, leave it to the pros.
I actually know someone in advertising.
I grew up with this guy who is a vice president at a big agency.
Maybe I can get him to meet you.
- Give-give me the phone. - The phone.
Bringing you closer to people..
...who have phones.
Marriage. It's not for everybody.
[instrumental music]
Oh, that went well.
Almost everybody knew that she was a girl.
Yeah, after you punched that one guy
who got it wrong, word spread.
Well, I'm just gonna go to my office and pick up some stuff.
Okay.
- Who-who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you?
I'm the hell person whose office this is.
Good one, Rach.
I'm Gavin Mitchell, the person who's taken over your job.
Excuse me.
Oh, your baby is so cute!
[both chuckle]
Why did you put a pink bow on a boy?
[instrumental music]
Hey, Joey, look at me. I'm a nurse!
Yes, you are.
I think it might be time for my sponge bath.
Sorry, I'm just so used to hitting on the extras.
So, are you excited about your scene?
Yeah! But I'm a little shaky and nervous.
Oh, relax. Don't be. You'll be fine, you'll be fine.
They'll probably just make you stand in the back.
[alarm buzzing] Okay! Okay, okay!
- You. Here, come here, here. - Okay.
You're gonna take this tray, and stay on this yellow mark.
You're gonna move on action.
You're gonna walk over to the operating table.
You're gonna stop on that blue mark
you're gonna put the tray down.
Don't walk too fast!
But don't doddle.
Okay, now what?
- A-a-and...action! - Oh!
[tray rattling]
- Cut! Cut! - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm just a little nervous.
Yeah. Well, don't be.
Okay, that helps.
A-a-and...action!
[tray rattling]
(male #1) 'Cut!'
Hey, you know what? Don't worry about it, Pheebs.
It usually takes me three takes too.
Alright, eight.
(male #1) 'A-a-and...action!'
[tray rattling]
[rattling continues]
[instrumental music]
So, do you have any other question about advertising?
No, no. But let me show you what I can do.
Bagels and donuts.
Round food for every mood.
Monica warned me you might do that.
I actually think we might have something for you at the agency.
- Really? That's great. - It's an unpaid internship.
It's funny when you-when you said unpaid
it sounded like you said unpaid.
Come on, now. Monica has a good job.
And it's not like you have a family to support.
Well, actually, we're trying, and I don't think
Monica's gonna wanna postpone it.
Now, we're supposed to have sex tonight.
Actually, she's probably at home naked right now.
I tend to keep talking until somebody stops me.
I can just picture her on the bed right now--
- Stop! - Okay.
[instrumental music]
Wait a minute! What do you mean, you're taking over my job?
Well, while you were on your baby vacation
I was doing your job.
A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve
something sucking on my nipples until they are raw.
Clearly you've never been to Sandals Paradise Island.
Alright, well, y-you don't get too comfortable there
because I'm back in two weeks.
And I want everything back to the way it was.
I can't say that I care too much for the way
that you've rearranged my office.
I can't say I care too much for that smell
you've brought in with you.
Excuse me?
Uh, Rach, uh, we have a code brown situation.
Honey, could you please, please take care of it for me?
Alright, but y-y-you're gonna have to do one sometime.
Alright, let me-let me just get this straight.
So I go have a baby and they send some guy in to do my job?
Well, there was talk of shutting down Ralph Lauren altogether.
Okay. That's right.
You're very, you're very cheeky for a temp.
I'm not a temp.
I was transferred here from another department.
Oh, yeah, and what department was that?
The, uh, jerk department?
Oh, they didn't tell me about your quick wit.
Ah! Well, did they mention that I'm rubber and you're glue?
Gavin, Ralph loved your ideas.
Oh, hi, Mr. Zelner.
Ah, Rachel. I see you've met Gavin.
You know, I must say, when you left us
we weren't sure what we were gonna do.
But then, Gavin to the rescue. Super Gavin.
Well, that's great. That's great.
So now, uh, Super Gavin, when I come back
uh, where do you plan on flying off to?
Well, that's up to Mr. Zelner.
I'm sure he will make the right decision.
Oh, wow. Super ass-kissing power.
Incidentally, when, uh, when are you coming back?
- Uh, today. - You said two weeks.
No, I said today.
See, for a superhero, not so much with the listening.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey. So, what did he say?
Uh, well, he can be a little rough around the edges
so I'm gonna replace a word he used a lot
with the word puppy.
Okay, so he said, "If your puppy friend
"doesn't get her puppy act together
I am gonna fire her mother-puppy ass."
I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm just not an actor.
That's right. You're not. You're a nurse.
- You're nurse with tray. - Joey--
No, no, nurse with tray doesn't know Joey.
She doesn't have time for friends.
She gets in that operating room
and she carries that tray to the doctor
because if she doesn't, people die!
Who dies?
Man with eye patch!
Now, you get in there and you do your job.
- Yes, doctor. - Okay.
[alarm buzzing]
Okay, let's try this one more time.
Hang in there, man with eye patch
your tray is coming!
A-a-and...action!
Yes, I did it! I nailed it!
Yay! What's next?
The rest of the scene.
Okay. From the top, people.
[instrumental music]
Listen, sudden change of plans. My maternity leave just ended.
They told me that if I didn't come back today
they were gonna fire me.
What? No, that-that's illegal.
I'm gonna have the labor department
down here so fast, they won't even--
Alright, alright. Calm down, Norma Rae.
They didn't actually say that.
I'm just afraid if I don't come back right now
this guy is gonna try and squeeze me out.
Oh, but what about Emma? I mean, we don't-we don't have a nanny.
I know. You know what, we're just gonna
have to figure out a plan tonight.
Can you please just take care of her for today?
Absolutely. Just give me your breast and we'll be on our way.
Come on, I don't, I don't know what else to do.
[sighs] Fine, fine.
We'll have fun, won't we? Yes, we will, yes, we will.
- Ross. - Huh?
You're pretty.
[instrumental music]
I mean, whatever I decide to do
I'm gonna be starting a new career from scratch.
It's gonna be a while before I make a living at it.
Maybe now is not the right time to be starting a family.
So you have to tell Monica
you don't wanna have a baby right now?
Yeah.
Goodbye.
Okay, it's baby time. Pants off, Bing.
Didn't see you there, Geller.
Yeah, Ross is here, so..
Uh, yeah, uh-huh, yeah.
Uh, and I was really hoping that maybe, you know
I could hang out.
You know, what-what do you, uh, what do you feel like doing?
Well, uh, we're gonna have sex.
I don't feel like having sex.
Uh, maybe, uh, I don't know, maybe we can
watch a movie or something.
Uh, let me put it this way.
We're having sex whether you're here or not.
Pants off, Bing!
[instrumental music]
Alright, now that I'm back
why don't you just fill me in on what you've been up to?
Well, I've changed your screensaver
from that picture of 'N Sync.
Hey, they were popular when I left.
But mostly, I've just been working
on this big presentation for tomorrow.
Well, I should be involved in that
so why don't you get me up to speed?
That's gonna take weeks.
Why don't you just let me take care of the presentation?
Oh, no, no, no, I see what you're doing here, alright?
Listen, this is my job, buddy.
Okay, I've had it for five years, and I know how it works.
So why don't you just catch me up?
- Fine. - Oh, God.
You've totally messed with the back support on my chair.
How do you fix this?
Hey, you've been here five years, you figure it out.
Fine, I will.
Alright, fill me in.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
Do you have a blue tie that would go with this?
- Emma spit up on mine. - Oh, yeah.
But you have to give it back if I get a job.
Of course, by that time in the future, ties will be obsolete
and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.
- Hey, good morning, lover. - Hey.
I gotta say after last night
I'm a little weak in the knees.
Here's an idea. You walk into a room, take a quick scan!
Sorry.
But I kinda have this feeling
that we-we may have made a baby last night.
[sighs] Oh, God, I have to tell you something.
You're not pregnant.
What are you talking about?
Well, that thing that I have to do to make a baby..
...I faked it.
What? You faked it?
You know what?
I don't need a tie.
I mean, it's-it's-it's better, open collar.
You know, it's, uh..
[clears throat]
It's more casual.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Joey, listen, I can't do this. It doesn't make any sense.
Yesterday I was a nurse, and today I'm a waitress at a cafe?
Oh, know what, sometimes we use the same extras
for different parts, that's okay.
Well, it's not okay
because I gave a very memorable performance as the nurse.
And now suddenly I'm the waitress?
That's gonna confuse my fans.
Yeah, uh, but maybe..
...you are a nurse, but you moonlight as a waitress.
Oh!
Uh-huh.
Because I'm a single mother supporting my two children.
- Nice. Yeah. - Yeah. Okay.
Wait a minute.
Dr. Drake Ramoray and I work at the same hospital.
Wouldn't I come over to say hi to him?
No, no. See, uh, you and Drake are having a fight.
About what?
He slept with you and then never called you.
And I just wanted a new daddy for Davy and Becky.
Ah..
[alarm buzzing]
Okay, okay, from the top.
A-a-and...action!
So, I'm surprised you agreed to have lunch with me.
I'm surprised too, but yet here I am.
Cut, cut!
What-what, what are you doing?
Yeah, well, I'm very angry at him
because he slept with me and never called me back.
- Me too. - Me too!
Oh, calm down. She means on the show.
We need some new extras around here.
[instrumental music]
Wow, you're here already.
Yes, Emma and I came in a little early
to do research on the presentation.
Actually I made a few changes.
But I think I'm caught up on everything.
So ask me anything.
- How do you fix the chair? - Oh! Except that!
Oh, hello, Mr. Zelner, we are all ready
for our presentation this afternoon.
Good, because it's in ten minutes.
What? I can't do that.
I have the baby, and Ross is not gonna
pick her up for another hour.
Well, then Gavin can give the presentation, okay?
We have to do it now.
Ralph needs to leave early today.
He's going helicopter shopping.
Alright. Well, there you go. You win, you win.
You get to do the presentation, you'll knock 'em dead.
No one will ever remember that I worked here
and then Ralph will buy his helicopter
and Super Gavin will just fly right along side of him!
- You can do the presentation. - No, I can't, I have a baby.
I'll watch her.
Why would you do that?
Because you've worked really hard, and it's your job
and you're a little crazy.
[crying] That's really nice.
I should tell you that crying women
make me very uncomfortable.
Well, you're not gonna like what's coming.
[crying]
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Thank you, thank you.
Uh-uh, I'm really fine.
Don't worry, I'm great with children.
Okay.
[sighs]
[Emma babbling]
Gavin Mitchell. Pleased to meet you.
Please don't fire my friend. Just let me talk to her.
Okay, okay. But this is her last chance.
Thank you, thank you. How about I do something for you?
Tomorrow...I'll bring you a hat, cover up the bald?
Hey, uh, listen, Pheebs.
I-I was just talking to the director
and he was thinking maybe this time you don't hit Drake
you just wait on the tables?
I can't do that. I'm an actor. I have a process.
You're a masseuse. You have a table with a hole in it.
Wait a minute, I see what's happening here.
- You're threatened. - What?
Yeah, I'm so good in this scene
that I'm stealing focus from you.
Well, rise to the challenge, Tribbiani
'cause I just raised the bar.
Come join me up here!
Yeah, you can fire her, but I would call security.
She won't go easy.
[instrumental music]
You faked it? You-you couldn't have faked it.
Oh, yes, you can. You just make the faces and the noises.
Guys can fake it? Unbelievable.
The one thing that's ours.
Besides, why would you fake it
when we're trying to have a baby?
Well, that's actually why.
[sighs] Look, I'm starting a whole new career now.
And I-I'm not saying I don't wanna have a baby
I'm just saying maybe we could wait a little while.
Like, like a month?
Or a year.
Really? You wanna wait a year?
Well, it could be less than a year.
I mean, you've heard my stuff.
Pants. Like shorts, but longer.
It will probably be more than a year.
Wow. I really wanna have a baby.
Yeah, me too.
Look, I-I'll just get my old job back.
No, I want you to have a job that you love.
Not statistical analysis and data reconfiguration.
I quit and you learn what I do?
It's just, I think, there's never gonna
be a right time to have a baby.
I mean, now you're unemployed, and in a little while
you'll find a new job that'll keep you really busy.
I mean, there's always gonna be a reason not to do this
but I think once the baby comes
we'll forget about all those reasons.
I guess.
I mean, it's always gonna be scary when we have a baby.
It's gonna be really scary.
I mean, God.
When we have a baby, there's, there's gonna be so much
that-that we're not able to control.
I mean, the apartment's gonna be a mess.
I won't have time to clean it.
What if the baby gets into the ribbon drawer?
Messes up all the ribbons?
What if there's no room for a ribbon drawer
because the baby's stuff takes up all the space?
Where will all the ribbons go?
Should we go make a baby right now before you change your mind?
- Yes, please! - Alright. Okay.
Oh, and I promise, I will not fake it this time.
Well, I wish I could say the same.
I'm a little shook up!
[instrumental music]
I know you botched that operation on purpose.
I can't prove it yet, but when I do
you'll be going to jail for murder.
I don't care if you are my brother.
I'm not your brother.
What about my children, Drake? Huh?
No! No! No!
(Phoebe) 'No!'
God!
[theme music]