(Phoebe) 'He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle'
and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
- Wow! That was great. - Mm-hmm.
You really wrote that?
Uh-huh.
Say goodbye, elves. I'm off to Tulsa.
I can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas.
- You're really not comin' back? - Yeah.
We have all this paperwork that needs
to be filed by the end of the year.
(Chandler) 'If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.'
It is, it's so unfair. You don't even like your job.
So. Who does?
- Oh, I like my job. - I love my job.
I can't wait to go back to work.
I can't get enough dinosaurs.
I'm sorry, I won't be here.
It's just, it's hard enough
not seeing you during the week, but for Christmas
um, well, if this is what you have to do, I understand.
Thanks.
I'll see you New Year's Day.
You're not gonna be here New Year's Eve?
- Did I not mention that? - No.
And to all a good night!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to pour ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ Like I've been there before ♪
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
Alright, everybody.
I know that it is Christmas Eve
and you'd rather be with your families
but there is no call for writing
"Screw you, Mr. Bing" on the back of my chair.
By the way, you can all call me Chandler.
- Hey. - Hey. Where you been?
Oh, I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's
Christmas party on three. It was really beautiful.
They have decorations and this huge tree.
And I just thought, to hell with them, we have to work.
So I stole their ham.
You hear that?
You may not be with your families but at least
it's gonna smell like ham in here.
My kid's in a play right now.
You know what? I know what will cheer you guys up.
I had a little talk with the boys in New York.
I told them about all the hard work you've been doing
and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
"A donation has been made in your name
"to the New York City Ballet."
Well, that's like money in your pocket.
Alright, look, you want me to say it? This sucks.
Being here sucks. This work sucks!
Now it feels like Christmas.
I'm sorry.
Hey, at least you guys get to go home
and be with your families tonight.
I have to go to an empty hotel room and lay down
on a very questionable bedspread.
And then tomorrow, you get to have
Christmas morning in your own houses.
Which, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
- You can come to my house. - Ha-ha. No, thanks.
- That's a nice pep talk. - Oh, thanks.
I'm actually thinkin' about becoming a motivational speaker.
So...if you were home right now, what would you be doin'?
Typical Christmassy stuff, you know.
Our holidays are pretty traditional.
So here's a, uh, very special holiday song
that I wrote for some very important people to me.
♪ Went to the store ♪
♪ Sat on Santa's lap ♪
♪ Asked him to bring my friends ♪
♪ All kinds of crap ♪
♪ Said all you need ♪
♪ Is to write them a song ♪
♪ Now you haven't heard it yet ♪
♪ So don't try to sing along ♪
♪ No don't sing along ♪
♪ Monica Monica ♪
♪ Have a happy Hanukkah ♪
♪ Saw Santa Claus ♪
♪ He said hello to Ross ♪
♪ And please tell Joey ♪
♪ Christmas will be snowy ♪
♪ And Rachel and Chandler ♪
♪ Have er-umm-glander ♪♪
Happy holidays, everybody!
Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen
I will look in the back closet.
I can save you time, ladies
I'm right here.
Yeah. Chandler why don't you take a walk?
This doesn't concern you.
We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
What? That's terrible.
No, no. We do it every year.
Oh, well, that, that makes it not terrible.
No, yeah, we never find them.
She's always bested us, that wily..
...minx.
Yeah, don't worry, we're just gonna search here for an hour
and then we're gonna go over to Joey's and search, okay?
No, not okay. You can't look for Monica's presents.
- Oh, no, we have to. - No. You don't have to.
And you can't because I-I-I live here too.
Well, then you should look with us.
Why?
Chandler, aren't you worried
about what to get Monica for Christmas.
No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Oh, that's it? A great idea! Oh, yeah.
Chandler, that's not enough, I mean, what if she gets you
a great present, two medium presents
and then a bunch of little presents?
And you've just gotten her one great present?
I mean, that's just gonna make her feel bad.
Why would you do that to her Chandler?
Why? Why?
If I helped, we could find 'em faster.
That's right.
Oh, oh, we have a live one.
Oh, it's a Macy's bag!
Yeah.
- Oh! - Ooh, who's it for?
"Dear losers, do you really think I'd hide presents
"under the couch?
"PS, Chandler, I knew they'd break you."
Rach, these are for you.
Wiper blades.
I don't even have a car.
[chuckles] No, but with this new car smell
you'll think you do.
Okay, Pheebs, your turn.
Oh!
Toilet seat covers!
Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
- Mm-hmm. - Uh-huh.
You guys.
(Joey) 'And for Ross.'
Mr. Sweet Tooth.
You got me a cola drink?
And a lemon lime.
Well, well, this, this is too much.
I feel like I should get you another sweater.
No.
And last but not least.
They're ribbed for your pleasure.
Oh, hey, Ben. What if the Holiday Armadillo
told you all about the Festival of Lights?
- Cool. - 'Yeah.'
Come on, Ben.
Years and years ago
there were these people called the Maccabees--
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas.
Santa!
Hey.
What are you doing here, Santa?
Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben.
What are you doing here
weird..
...turtle-man?
I'm the Holiday Armadillo..
...your part Jewish friend.
You sent me here to give Ben some presents.
Remember?
What?
Okay, Ben, why don't you come open some more presents
and Santa, the Armadillo, and I
will have a little talk in the kitchen?
There's a sentence I never thought I'd say.
Come on.
What are you doing?
You called everyone and said
you were having trouble finding a Santa costume
so I borrowed one from a guy at work.
[sighs] Thank you.
- But, but, you-you gotta leave. - Why?
Because I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah
and, and you're-you're wrecking it.
But, I didn't get to shake my belly
like a bowl full of jelly.
I'm sorry, Chandler, but this, this is really important to me.
Okay, fine. I'll, I'll give the suit back.
Hey, you think you can keep it another night?
Santa? Really?
Yeah, is that okay?
Did your dad ever dress up like Santa?
- No. - Then it's okay.
You know what, everybody?
Go home, you should be with your families.
It's bad enough that we're working New Year's Eve.
Did I not tell anyone about New Year's Eve?
Alright, look, go!
Go, home, okay. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
- Peace on Earth. - Bye.
Good. God's speed, good people.
You're not gonna go?
Nah. I couldn't leave you alone.
Ah, thanks.
Besides, I can't leave
until that Christmas party downstairs clears out
there are some pissed off
insurance people looking for that ham.
Ah.
[phone ringing]
- Chandler Bing. - Hi, honey. We-we're all here.
We just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.
(in unison) Merry Christmas.
Ble-blah-blar Blargh!
Ah, Merry Christmas, I miss you guys!
So is it horrible?
Is everybody working really hard?
Ah, well no, it's just uh, me and Wendy.
Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
It is. Did I not tell you about her?
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, about the time you told me
about New Year's Eve.
Where is everybody else?
(Chandler) 'I sent them home.'
Oh, you are such a good boss!
Is she pretty?
- Uh, uh.. - Answer faster, answer faster.
- I don't know! - Answer better, answer better!
I don't think of her that way, you know
she's a, she's a colleague.
Oh, what does she so there?
Oh, she's Regional Vice President
she's...just below me.
She did what?
Be-low me!
Oh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
What?
Well, she, she didn't win.
Alright, well, maybe I should let you
and the second prettiest girl
in Oklahoma get back to work.
Well, second prettiest that year
I mean, of all the girls
in Oklahoma, she's probably--
Oh Chandler, stop talking!
Honey, there's really nothin' to worry about.
- Okay. - I'm serious.
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
Yeah, Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, you guys.
- Yeah, Merry Christmas. - Blah blargah, blar-blab.
The wife says, hi!
Ah. Fun conversation?
Ah, well, she's got this weird idea
that, uh, you know, just because you and I are alone
that somethin' is gonna happen.
Huh? Really?
Hmm, that be so terrible?
This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about..
...but...you're getting ham on my only tie.
Woo-woo, back off, Missy!
[chuckles] Missy?
I don't know, I'm not used to girls making passes at me.
Wait a minute..
...am I sexy in Oklahoma?
You are to me.
No.
No. No!
Look, I'm, I'm married!
So? I'm married.
I'm happily married.
Oh.
What's that like?
Right. So, I'm sorry, but--
Seriously?
Happily married.
So that phone call before
that was...happy?
Well look, it's not easy to spend this much time apart
you know and she's entitled to be a little paranoid.
or in this case, right on the money.
You know, she's amazing, and beautiful
and smart, and if she were here right now..
...she'd kick your ass.
Look, you're a really nice person..
...ham stealing and adultery aside.
But, what I have with my wife is pretty great
so nothing's ever gonna happen between us.
Okay, let me ask you somethin'..
...if what you and your wife have is so great..
...then why are you spending Christmas with me?
(Chandler) You were the most beautiful woman
in the room tonight!
- Really? - Are you kidding?
You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms..
[moaning]
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's goin' on?
You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Well, not anymore.
But we don't do that.
I know, I just thought it would be fun.
How drunk are you?
Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this.
Not so drunk that you should feel guilty
about taking advantage.
That's the perfect amount.
- You know what's weird? - What?
This doesn't feel weird.
I know.
You're a really good kisser.
Well, I, I have kissed over four women.
Do you wanna get under the covers?
- Mm-hmm. - Okay.
Wow! You are really fast!
It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
We're gonna see each other naked.
Yep.
Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Count of three?
- One. Two. - Two.
(both) Three.
Well, I think it's safe to say
that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Eh, we weren't that close anyway!
Eh!
So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
Well, uh, you and I are just goofing around
I thought, why not just goof around with him.
You know, I don't know if you've ever looked up
the term goofing around in the dictionary.
Well, I have, and the technical definition
is...two friends who care a lot
about each other
and have amazing sex..
...and just wanna spend more time together, you know.
But if have have this new fangled dictionary
that gets you made at me, then we have to
you know, get you, uh, my original dictionary.
I am so bad at this.
I think, you're better than you think you are.
Really?
- Okay, so, if-- - Know when to stop.
Oh, you know, I sensed that I should stop.
So we're okay?
Yeah.
- Don't do the dance. - Right.
I can't get married until I get something old
something new, something borrowed and something blue.
Okay, okay, alright, alright, alright, okay.
Okay, here's something, here's something blue and new.
You're so efficient. I love you!
- Let's go. - No, no, no, wait!
- We need something old. - Uh, okay.
I have a condom in my wallet
that I've had since I was 12.
That'll work.
I don't think so.
Okay, now we just need something borrowed.
Here just take this.
- It's stealing. - We'll, we'll bring it back.
Just put it under your dress.
Ohh.
Okay, one thing at a time.
Listen, um..
...I've been thinking and..
...it's not fair for me to ask you to spend
all of your money on our wedding.
I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
- Well. - Well, you work for that.
Look, I thought about it too and...I'm sorry.
I think, we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
You do?
Yeah, I'm putting my foot down.
Yeah, look, when I proposed
I told you that I would do anything
to make you happy.
And if having the perfect wedding makes you happy
then, then, that's what we're gonna do.
Hmm, you're so sweet.
Oh, but wait..
...well, what-what about our, what about the future and stuff?
Ah, forget about the future and stuff.
So we only have two kids, you know?
We'll pick our favorite and that one
will get to go to college.
[chuckles] You thought about that?
Yeah.
How many kids were we gonna have?
Uh, four, a boy
twin girls and another boy.
What else did you think about?
Well, stuff like
where we'd live, you know?
Like a small place outside the city
where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff.
You know, we could have a cat
that had a bell on its collar
and we could hear it every time it ran
through the little kitty door.
Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage
where Joey could grow old.
You know, what?
I-I don't want, I don't want a big fancy wedding.
- Sure you do. You-- - 'No.'
I want everything that you just said.
I want a marriage.
- You sure? - Mm-hmm.
I love you so much.
I love you.
[instrumental music]
[gasps] Oh, I love it.
Really? You're not gonna return it?
Well, not this second.
Hey, look, you guys, it's snowing.
- Oh. - Hey.
Oh wow, it's so beautiful.
Wow, it really is!
Oh.
Wendy is a fat girl name.
Aren't we done with that?
Okay, fine, fine.
Let's talk about snow.
Do you think it's snowing in Tulsa, where my husband
is having sex on a copying machine?
- Hey. - Ah!
- Oh, my God! - Hey.
- Oh! - Hey-hey-hey.
Look at that, it's a Christmas miracle.
What are you doing here?
I wanted to be with you.
I missed you so much.
Hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most?
Monica.
Gotcha.
I never want to leave you again.
But I thought if you left, you'd get fired.
Turns out they can't fire me.
- Because I quit. - What?
What, you, you really quit your job?
Yeah. It's a stupid job and I could not stand leaving you.
And why should I be the only one who doesn't get
to do what he really wants to do?
What do you really want to do?
I have not thought this through.
Oh, my God!
I know, I, I should have talked
to you first about it.
No, I think that this is what
you wanna do, I think it's great.
Thanks.
Chandler, you're being here
is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined.
Ah!
- Now give me my real gift. - Yeah.
- Thank you. - Here, pass those around.
- Oh. - Oh, hey.
"A donation has been made in your name
"to the New York City Ballet."
How did you know?
What? Are you kidding? I can't return this.
I thought it was time we started thinking about other people.
Besides, this gift still says I love you guys.
Mine says, "To Lillian Myers."
I don't have a job!
Actuary. No.
Bookkeeper. No.
Topless dancer.
Hey, do you know what I just realized?
You are the sole wage earner.
You are the head of the household.
I don't do anything.
- I'm a kept man. - You are.
Hey, here's 20 bucks.
Why don't you go buy yourself somethin' pretty
while I'm at work tomorrow?
[theme music]