Hey, Rach, listen.
Did you know that during pregnancy
your fingers swell up
to twice their size
and never go back?
Oh, my God. Lemme see that.
You fall for it every time.
- 'Hi.' - Hey. Look.
I brought you my old maternity clothes.
Oh, Pheebs, that's so sweet.
Oh, those are so cute!
Yes, and look.
See how they expand as the baby grows?
And then, after the baby's born
they're great for shoplifting melons.
Oh! Oh, good, you're all here.
Okay, Thanksgiving tomorrow, 4 o'clock.
Oh. And guess who I invited?
Remember that guy, Will Colbert from high school?
- No. - He was in Ross's class?
Marching band, was kind of overweight.
Well, really overweight.
I mean, I was his thin friend.
Wow! I don't remember him.
Honey, are you sure you're not talking about
your imaginary boyfriend?
No, that was Jared.
Wow! Haven't thought about him in a long time.
Anyway, um, Will's, Will's here
on business and he didn't have a place to go.
- So I invited him here. - Well, that's nice.
Oh, and by the way he's lost a bunch of weight.
I mean, he looks good.
Okay, I mean really, really gorgeous.
[clearing throat]
I still love Chandler.
Wouldn't hurt you to say it once in a while.
Alright, okay, also just so you know..
...I'm not gonna make a turkey this year.
- What? - Well..
- Phoebe doesn't eat turkey. - Phoebe!
Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
No, they're not. They're ugly, and stupid and delicious.
Alright, it's not just Phoebe.
Will's still on a diet.
Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food
and Rachel's having her aversion to poultry.
- Hmm. - She is?
Yeah, don't you remember I had to leave the room
the other day when you had that roast chicken?
Yeah, but I thought that was just 'cause
I put the whole thing on my hand
and made it walk across the table.
Anyway, it just doesn't seem worth it
to make a whole turkey for just three people, okay?
It's just, it's, it's a lot of work.
But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgivin'.
I mean, Thanksgivin' with no turkey is like, like
4th of July with no apple pie!
Or-or Friday with no two pizzas.
Alright, fine, if it means that much to you
but just, there's gonna be a ton left over.
N-no, there won't. I promise I will finish that turkey.
Alright, you're telling me you can eat almost an entire turkey
in one sitting?
That's right.
'Cause I'm a Tribbiani.
This is what we do.
I mean, we may not be great thinkers
or, or world leaders.
We don't read a lot or run very fast
but damn it, we can eat!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's D-O-A ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ And when it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-oo ♪
(male on TV) 'Four wide receivers'
'on third and eighteenth..'
Hey, isn't it weird to think about
how next year, at this time
there'll be a little baby at the table?
Rachel's...but good to know where you're at.
- Hey! - 'Hey.'
- Happy Thanksgiving. - You too.
- Anything I can do to help? - Actually, there is.
Chandler usually helps me with this but he's really into
the game so I don't wanna bother him.
Could you help me fold these napkins?
I'm gonna go across the hall to check on the yams.
- Okay. - Oh, no, no, no. No, sweetie.
No. Not like that.
We're not at a barn dance.
You gotta, you wanna fold them like swans
like I showed you at Christmas-time, remember?
Yeah, it all just came screaming back to me.
- So how's the game? - I have no idea.
- What? - Yeah.
I'm just pretendin' to watch the game
so I don't have to help out with stuff.
I don't believe you.
That is...brilliant.
- And Monica has no idea? - Nope.
Every once in a while I just yell and scream stuff at the TV.
Hey! Wait, oh, hey!
- Is your team winning, hon? - Oh, yeah.
Anderson just scored again.
There's no Anderson.
Well, I wanna get in on this.
Hey, Mon, I don't think I can help you after all.
I didn't realize this game was on.
Oh. I didn't know you liked football.
Well, normally I don't but you know..
- Green Bay is playing. - You like Green Bay?
Well, it's only like my favorite bay!
[knock on door]
(both) Hey.
- Happy Thanksgiving. - Oh, thanks.
God, Will, I'm so glad that you came.
You just, you look great.
- You must have lost, like-- - 150 pounds. Yeah.
I'm gonna be in one of those Subway sandwich commercials.
- A pie. - Alright.
Uh, it's no fat, it's no sugar, it's no dairy.
It's no good. Throw it out.
You wanna meet some people?
This is, uh, this is my husband, Chandler.
- Chandler, this is Will. - Hey.
Oh, hey, I'd shake your hand
but I'm really into the game.
Plus, I think it'd be better for my ego
if we didn't stand right next to each other.
- This is Phoebe. - Hi.
Hey. Wow!
[gasps]
Well done.
- Wanna give me a hand? - Sure.
Monica, I can't get over how great you look.
- You look, you look stunning. - Well, you look incredible too.
You're just, you're so fit.
I'm watchin' the game, but I'm not deaf.
Oh, um, I meant to tell you. Um, Ross is coming.
Ross is coming? Great. I love Ross.
Oh, good and Rachel Green too.
Oh!
- Is there a problem? - No. Uh..
It's okay. It's just, uh..
God, I hated her.
- What? - 'Yeah, I hated her.'
She was horrible to me in high school.
But hey, that was a long time ago.
I'm in a good place. It might be actually fun to see her again.
Okay.
Got any cakes or cookies or somethin'?
No, Will. No.
You know, it's been a while since we've screamed something.
- Maybe we should. - Oh, okay.
- Oh, come on! - No!
Damn you, ref! You burn in hell!
Hey, what are you doing?
You gotta save room. You've got almost an entire turkey to eat.
Let me explain to you how the human body works.
I have to warm up my stomach first.
Eatin' chips is like stretching.
- Okay. - Yeah. Don't worry.
Tribbianis never get full.
I actually know what you're talking about
and I'm here to tell you somethin', friend.
You can eat and eat and eat but nothing
will ever fill that void.
Who the hell is this guy?
Will, from high school. Joey.
- Oh, hey. - Hello.
- Will! Hey, you came. - Ross.
Man, you look incredible.
Hot stuff!
"Hot stuff?"
- It's good to see you, man. - Yeah, you too.
Man, so-so what are you up to?
I'm a commodities broker.
Really? Yeah, that-that sounds interesting.
- Yeah, it's not. - Oh.
- But I'm rich and thin. - Oh.
Man, I-I don't think I've seen you
since, uh, Lance Davis's graduation party.
- That was such a fun night. - Yeah.
It would have been good if we'd gotten in
but still, real fun.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
God, we were lame back then.
Do you remember how into dinosaurs we were?
Yeah.
So, what do you, what do you do now?
So, how long are you in town?
- Hi. - 'Hey, sweetie.'
- 'Oh, good.' - 'There you go.'
Rachel Green.
Oh, oh, that's right.
Are you, are you gonna be okay?
Oh, I-I'll be fine. It's just..
God, I hate her, Ross. I hate her.
Okay.
Will, high school was-was a long time ago.
Look at her standing there with those yams.
My two greatest enemies, Ross.
Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.
Oh, my God, Monica, who is that?
- That's Will from high school. - Oh!
I do not remember him.
Wow! Really got that sexy smoldering thing goin' on.
Oh, my God. He's..
Look at the way he's just staring at me.
I think he's tryin' to mouth something at me
but I can't make it out.
Okay, dinner's ready.
- Good game. - Yeah.
Yeah, solid effort, solid effort.
Oh, so who won?
- Green Bay. - Detroit.
What?
Well, the Lions technically won
but it was a moral victory for the Green Bay Mermen.
- Hi. Will, right? - Right.
Right. Hi, I'm Rachel Green.
Oh, I-I remember you.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Aren't you sweet?
I gotta tell you though. I am..
I am having the hardest time placing you.
Oh, oh, hang on. I think I remember you.
Did we, um..
...did we fool around
at Lance Davis' graduation party?
- You are unbelievable. - Thank you.
Uh, Rachel, Rachel, why don't you sit here?
And, Will, you sit way over there.
[smirks] That's it?
Even if nobody helps me I can eat that, no problem.
At least, give me a challenge.
[chuckling]
- This is Chandler's chicken. - Ah.
This...is the turkey.
Oh.
- How-how big is that? - It's about 19 pounds.
That's like me when I was born.
Alright, who would, uh, like some yams? Will?
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't ya?
What? Oh. You know what?
Can we please keep the chicken and the turkey
and everything on the other side of the table?
The smell is just...yuck.
[coughs] Typical.
- I'm sorry, what? - I said it was typical.
Typical of you, Rachel Green, Queen Rachel.
Does whatever she wants in her little Rachel Land.
Seriously, who is this guy?
[Rachel clears throat]
Sorry, do you, do you have a problem with me?
I don't know. Do I? Do I?
I think you do.
Apparently, you were, a little mean to him in high school.
"A little mean"? You made my life miserable.
I'm-I'm, I had no idea. I'm sorry.
Well, you should be.
Screw it. Bring on the yams.
Oh, Will, but you've worked so hard and--
- Yams! - Okay!
(Rachel) Uh, Will, I just wanna say
that I'm real sorry for whatever
I-I did to you in high school.
Oh, it wasn't just me. We had a club.
- You had a club? - 'That's right.'
The I Hate Rachel Green Club.
Whoa, my God! So, what? You all just joined together to hate me?
Who else was in this club?
Me...and Ross.
No need to point. She knows who Ross is.
So, you were in an "I Hate Rachel" Club?
- Yes, he was. - No, no.
So, who else was in this club?
Uh, actually there was also that exchange student from Thailand
but I-I don't think he-he knew what it was.
So, Ross, we went out for two years
and you never told me you were in an "I Hate Rachel" club.
You went out with her?
We had a pact.
That was in high school. It's not like it was binding forever.
Then why did it have the word "eternity" in it?
Okay, Monica, did you know about this?
I swear I didn't. Hey.
Is that why you guys used to go up to your bedroom
and lock the door?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
A little relieved, I gotta say.
Look, Rach, I-I'm sorry, okay?
I-I was a stupid kid, okay?
- The only reason I joined-- - Co-founded!
Co-founded..
Co-founded the club was that I-I was insanely in love with you.
Obviously, I didn't handle it very well.
But if you think about it the "I Hate Rachel Club"
was really the "I Love Rachel Club."
Uh, except that it was really the "I Hate Rachel Club."
Okay, so, what?
You guys would just like get together
and like just say mean things about me?
Oh, we did a little more than that.
No-no, no-no, no-no.
What, Will? What else did you do?
- We started a rumor. - What rumor?
Oh, come on, Will. Just take off your shirt and tell us.
- Ross? - It's no big deal.
We-we..
...said that, the rumor was that, um..
...you had both..
...male and female reproductive parts.
Ha!
- What? - That's right.
We said your parents flipped a coin
decided to raise you as a girl
but you still had a hint of a penis.
Oh, my God!
- You started that? - What? You heard that?
Everyone in our school heard it.
Everybody at my school heard it.
You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?
Oh, no!
Oh, my God. This is all making so much sense to me now.
This is why Adam Carter wouldn't go out with me.
This is why Billy Tratt would just stay in this region.
Actually, Billy Tratt is gay now
so-so that one's not really our fault.
Monica, how come you never told me this?
I thought it might be true
and I was afraid that you were gonna cry
and then show it to me.
Joey, stop staring. There's nothing there! It's not true!
I'm afraid I'm gonna need proof.
Oh!
[groans]
You are my Everest.
Joey, you don't have to finish that.
Oh, yes, I do.
Otherwise what's next?
You know, today I'm just a guy who can't finish a turkey
but tomorrow I'm the guy who eats half a power bar
wraps up the rest and puts it in the fridge?
No. No, I just..
I just-I just gotta change my pants.
What was I thinkin'? Jeans have no give.
Okay, okay, listen to what
Sean McMann wrote in my yearbook senior year.
"Dear Rach, you're such a great person."
Not girl. Person.
Rach, I think you're reading a little too much into it.
"Dear Rach, you're a great person.
Sorry about your teeny-weenie."
[laughing]
Look, what do you want me to do?
You want me to call everyone
in the entire school
and tell them it wasn't true?
Yes.
Could you also tell 'em I'm skinny now?
Oh, me too!
Oh, look, look, I'm not calling anybody, okay?
It was like a million years ago.
I don't care how long ago it was.
You told people that I was half-and-half.
You know what? I just wanna point out.
I never did anything
to hurt you in high school.
That's not totally true.
- What? - What?
Well, you-you did start that rumor
about Ross making out with Mrs. Altman
our 50-year-old librarian.
How did you know that?
It's true?
- No. - Yes, it is.
I saw you guys goin' at it behind the card catalog.
[stammers]
Mrs. Altman?
She also made out with Taka Ki Kek
the night before he went back to Thailand.
I'm sorry.
When you were in high school you made out
with a 50-year-old woman?
Hey, she didn't look 50.
Did she look 16?
Oh, there's a picture of her in the yearbook actually.
(Phoebe) Oh.
Wow!
She didn't photograph well!
Well, she probably wasn't familiar with the process
having spent most of her life sitting for oil paintings.
So, how did this happen?
Did she...did she lure you
to an early-bird dinner?
I was working late in the library one afternoon.
It was just the two of us.
She needed some help with her word jumble.
And one thing led to another.
If you must know, Anita was very gentle and tender.
May she rest in peace.
- Didn't she walk with a cane? - Only when it was damp!
I can't believe you-you told people about this.
Everybody knew?
You know what? I'm back in the club!
Yeah!
- I wanna join! - What? Phoebe!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
But I never got to be in a club.
I-I didn't go to high school.
But three of us would meet behind a dumpster
to learn French. Bonjour.
Alright, fine. You guys can have your stupid little club.
But I would just like to say that what you did to me
is way worse than what I did to you.
You gave me a teeny-weenie.
[sarcastic mocking]
Alright, listen.
You're just being silly.
Rachel, even with that rumor you were
one of the most popular girls in school.
I mean, everyone wanted to be like you.
One girl wanted to be like you so much
she stuffed her pants with a Tootsie Roll.
Wow!
And, Ross...if it weren't for Rachel's rumor
I mean, no one in high school would have even known
who you were. She put you on the map.
As a romancer of the elderly.
Hey, Mrs. Altman was the kind of woman
you could tell she used to be pretty.
The eyes...did still sparkle.
Hey guys, this stuff is just so way in the past.
You've, you've been through so much since then.
And right now you've got so more important stuff
going on in your lives.
Can't you just let this go?
[sighs]
- She's right. - Yeah, I mean..
We are havin' a baby together.
Hold on.
You got her pregnant?
Yeah.
- Are you gettin' married? - No.
So, you knocked her up, but you're not gonna marry her?
Dude..
Anybody?
Okay.
It's exactly how I imagined it would be.
Alright, where's that turkey?
Joey, those are my maternity pants.
No, no. These are my Thanksgivin' pants.
Well, that's it.
I'm done.
Whoo...oh!
Oh, here come the meat sweats.
Well, Joey, we're all..
We're all very proud of you.
Yes, I believe we can expect a call
from the President any moment now.
Is there anything we can do for you?
No, just.. Nobody press on my stomach.
You can keep those pants by the way.
Ooh, w-w-what do you got there?
Is that pie?
Yeah. You want some?
Ah, just cut me a little sliver.
A little bigger.
Little bigger.
What? Are you afraid you're going to run out?
Cut me a real piece!