[instrumental music]
- Hey, Pheebs? - Huh?
I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow night.
Do you wanna come?
Sure, yeah. He's kind of sexy.
Oh, no. No, I'll be there too.
Okay. So, we'll just come up with some kind of signal.
If it's going well, you can take off.
No, Pheeb, I just need you there for support.
I haven't told him that I'm pregnant yet.
Oh. Why not?
Because I know he's gonna flip out
and I hate it when he gets angry.
Oh, Rachel, this is all so "Papa Don't Preach."
What? Pheeb, wait. He's a scary guy.
I mean, one time he caught me smoking
he said if he ever saw me doing that again
he would make me eat the entire pack.
- Wow. Well, I will be there. - Okay.
Gosh, I'm not gonna let that man make you eat your baby.
Oh, hey, who is that guy? I think I know him.
- No, you don't. - No, you don't.
Oh, my God!
Monica, he's the stripper from your bachelorette party!
Her what?
Your secret bachelorette party.
You had a bachelorette party?
She untied his G-string with her teeth.
[chuckles]
Somebody stop me!
I thought we weren't gonna have bachelor-bachelorette parties.
You know, we-we agreed that it was a silly tradition.
It's a grand tradition.
I'm sorry. They surprised me.
There was nothing I could do.
Well, you could have untied it with your hands.
Oh, for..
This is so unfair.
The one thing I wanted to do was throw my best friend
a bachelor party, but, oh, I wasn't allowed to.
All I got was a stupid steak dinner.
You went home with the waitress.
Oh, yeah, that was a pretty good night.
I can't believe you didn't tell me.
You know that the two pillars of marriage
are openness and honesty.
Oh, I knew giving you that book
was gonna come back and bite me in the ass.
[theme song]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
How about I order everyone the Moroccan chicken?
Oh, I-I don't eat meat.
It's chicken.
Yeah, I don't eat that, either.
I'll never understand you lesbians.
So, baby, tell me, what is new with you?
- Well, actually, um.. - 'Ahem.'
Your '74 Lafite, sir.
'74? I ordered the '75.
That's a magnificent wine. The '74 is sewage.
Why would you bring me sewage?
Is that a hard question?
Are you an idiot? Is that why you're a waiter?
This is why I told the manager I wouldn't wait on you tonight.
Oh, come on! Don't be such a baby.
[clears throat]
In case you didn't notice, that is a scary man.
He's right, though. The '74 is absolute piss.
This was such a huge mistake. I can't tell him, Phoebe.
- I can't, I can't, I can't-- - Rachel--
No, it's okay. This is what's gonna happen.
I'm gonna wait a couple of years
and then the baby will tell him.
Why, so he can get mad at the baby?
Hey, that is the...baby's problem.
Oh, everything okay with the waiter?
I have no idea. I went to the bathroom.
So, sweetie, you were starting to tell me what is, uh
what is new with you.
Well..
I'm..
I got TiVo.
- What's TiVo? - It's slang for pregnant.
Phoebe!
Are you really pregnant?
Well, uh, yes and no.
Except not no.
So, to sum it up, yeah.
Who is the father?
Oh, no. Please don't tell me it's her.
No, it's Ross.
It's Ross. You like Ross.
Oh, daddy, I hope you're okay with all this.
I mean, think about it. This is a good thing.
You're gonna.. This is your first grandchild.
You're gonna be a poppy.
- That's true. - Yeah.
A poppy.
- I'm gonna be a poppy! - Oh..
[all laughing]
Oh! So, when is the wedding?
Uh, hmm, the who?
The wedding. There's going to be a wedding.
Young lady, don't you sit there and tell me
that my first grandchild is gonna be a bastard.
Rachel Karen Green, tell me there's gonna be a wedding!
February 2nd.
[instrumental music]
So, it was really cool seeing you lecture today.
Oh, thanks.
Although, uh, you kinda seemed
like you were falling asleep there a little.
Oh, no, no, I-I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate
and, you know, take it all in.
Yeah, a lot of my students do that.
Mmm.
So, um, I gotta get going.
Okay, I-I'll see you tonight?
- Yeah. Okay. - Okay. Bye.
Oh, hey, thanks again for showing me
your semiprecious stone collection.
It was amazing.
My God! You must be good in bed.
So, you and Mona?
It's been a while now. How's it goin'?
Uh, it's good. It's going, it's going good.
I mean, we-we get along great.
- She's, she's so.. - Hot?
Well, I-I was gonna say sweet, but yeah-huh.
And she's okay with Rachel and the baby?
Well, I haven't actually told her yet.
I-I don't wanna scare her off, you know?
Well, you have to be honest with her.
Otherwise you may think that you're going down the same path
but you're really going down different ones.
I'm gonna take that book and I'm gonna beat you
to death with it.
Oh, my God! You are gonna love me so much.
I felt really bad about the whole bachelorette party thing
so tonight you're gonna have a bachelor party.
- What? - Yeah.
I got this number from this guy at work
and I hired a stripper to come dance for you.
[chuckles]
Am I going in the Wife Hall of Fame or what?
[chuckles]
Honey, that's crazy. I don't want you to get me a stripper.
Will you let the lady talk?
Come on. Come on, it'll be fun.
It'll make me feel so much better.
[scoffs] Look, I appreciate it
but, uh..
...it's a little creepy, you know?
I'm not a bachelor anymore.
So don't think of it as a bachelor party.
Th-think of it as a
a two-month anniversary present.
Sure. One year is paper, but two months is lap dance.
Please. I feel so bad.
Just watch the hot woman get naked.
Alright, fine. But I'm only doing this for you.
Yeah!
And Joey.
Thank you. Alright. Now, who else do you wanna invite?
Uh, no, no, no, just, uh, Ross..
Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.
Uh, actually, sorry, I-I can't even make it.
- I'm seeing Mona again tonight. - I understand.
I mean, who would cancel an actual date
just to go to a fake bachelor party.
I'm sorry, I gotta cancel tonight, baby.
I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your
imaginary wedding, but I'm-I'm really busy that day.
I-I already have a unicorn baptism
and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
I know, I know. I panicked. I panicked.
I didn't want him to start yelling at me like I was some..
...'74 Latour.
It's Lafite.
The '74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.
Alright, here he comes. I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna be strong.
I just called a friend of mine.
Yeah?
I think I may be able to book
The Plaza on short notice.
Really?
The Plaza?
Oh, daddy! Oh, my..
Right. Daddy, I need to talk to you.
- Please, sit down. - What is it, sweetie?
There's not gonna be a wedding.
Ross and I are not getting married.
- What? - I'm sorry, daddy.
I don't believe this!
Uh.. Daddy, stay calm. Please.
Stay calm? How do you expect me to stay calm?
This is unacceptable, Rachel.
And I wanna know why?
Is it because that punk Ross won't marry you?
- That's it. Is that it? - Yes, yes.
He says I'm damaged goods.
[instrumental music]
So, you, uh, nervous about getting married?
What are you doing?
Look, let's pretend it's a real bachelor party, okay?
You know, before your wedding. It'll be more fun.
Alright.
I can't believe tomorrow's the big day.
How does it feel knowin' you're
never gonna be with another woman again, huh?
Knowing you're gonna have to wake up to the same face
every day until you finally have
the sweet release of death.
You're right. This is more fun.
[knock at door]
That's her. Okay, come on.
- Hi. - Hi.
[blows party horn]
So, which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?
Uh, that-that's me.
That's me.
Joey Tribbiani. Big fan.
So, is that a bedroom?
Yeah. Yeah, right over there.
Alright, whenever you're ready.
That was weird.
W-why would she go in the bedroom?
(stripper) 'I'm waiting.'
- So, she's a-- - Yep, that's one naked hooker.
I love your place. Where's this guy from?
Uh, that's an 18th century Indian artifact from Calcutta.
- Oh. Wow! - Yeah.
So...you're more than just dinosaurs.
- So much more. - Mm.
[both chuckles]
Oh! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, I am so sorry.
Uh, forget it. It's from Pier One.
[knock at door]
Sorry.
You think you can knock up my daughter
and then not marry her?
I ought to kill you!
You know, this is actually not a great time for me.
So? Come on!
Explain yourself, Geller.
First, you get my Rachel pregnant.
You got Rachel pregnant?
- Who did? - You did!
Yes.
Yes, yes, I did, but-but it was, it was just a one night thing.
- It meant nothing. - Oh? Really?
That's what my daughter means to you? Nothing?
No, no, sir. Um, she means a lot to me.
I mean, I-I care.. I-I love Rachel.
- What? - Oh, but not that way. I mean..
I mean, I'm not in love with her.
I love her like a-like a friend.
Oh, really? That's how you treat a friend?
You get her in trouble
and then you refuse to marry her?
Hey, I offered to marry her.
- What? - But I didn't want to.
Well, why not?
So you could spend your time with this tramp?
- Tramp? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
I can't believe there is a naked hooker in there.
Wait, wait, maybe she's a hooker and a stripper
but she got confused about what she's supposed to do.
Could be. I mean, technically, she did strip.
We just, we just missed it.
Ma'am?
Are you also a stripper?
(stripper) 'Uh, no, but I can pretend to strip.'
'But that's gonna cost extra.'
'Okay, here's the extras. Handcuffs, spanking..'
Nah-na-ma-huh!
Maybe Monica's playin' a joke on ya.
You know, gettin' her own husband a hooker.
That's pretty funny.
That is funny.
Maybe for my birthday, she'll murder someone.
And I bet Ross was in on it too.
I mean, he was conveniently busy.
(stripper) 'Do you mind if I smoke in here?'
Oh, actually, I'd rather..
[clears throat] Yeah, go ahead.
We're gonna have to burn that room down anyway.
How could you have kept all of this from me?
- I was going to tell you, but-- - But what?
You figured you'd get what you wanted
then you'd dump her like you did Rachel.
Hey, I did not dump Rachel.
Nor are we still together.
[telephone ringing]
Oh, um..
Can I..
Why don't we just let the machine get that?
(Joey on phone) 'Hey, Ross, it's Joey.'
'There's a hooker over here, and we thought maybe'
'you'd know somethin' about it.'
No, no, no!
No, no! I-I-I need to lie down.
[instrumental music]
So, tonight's the night of the big bachelor party?
Yeah. Hey, thanks for giving me that girl's number.
No problem. So, who's the party for?
Uh, my husband.
You hired your husband a hooker?
- She's a stripper. - No, she's a hooker.
Is-is that what they call strippers sometimes?
When they're hookers.
Oh, my God, Stu. I-I can't believe you did this.
Now, you're absolutely sure she's a hooker?
Either that or she's just the best
most expensive date I ever had.
[instrumental music]
Maybe she meant to get you a hooker.
Why would she do that?
Maybe she wants you to learn something.
Huh? Now, is there anything you're really bad at?
You know, sexually?
This is the worst bachelor party ever.
(stripper) 'What's taking you boys so long?'
- In a minute. - In a minute?
What's gonna happen in a minute?
Alright, alright. Maybe..
Maybe you should just ask her to leave.
- Why me? - Hey, it's your bachelor party.
Which is why you should do it.
I don't want to. You do it.
- You do it. - You do it.
Alright, Rock, Paper, Scissors
for who has to tell the whore to leave.
- What? - I miss this.
I don't think we've actually done this before.
No, no, no.
No, I-I miss hangin' out with you.
Well, we, we still hang out.
Yeah, but not like we used to.
Remember? You and me used to be inseparable.
You know, and now it's like..
...things are...different.
Well, you know, things are different.
I'm, I'm married now.
Yeah, sure. And hey, don't get me wrong.
I am so happy for you guys.
But I just...I miss..
...hangin' out...just-just us. You know?
- Yeah, I miss that too. - Right?
I'll tell you what, from now on, we'll make time
to hang out with each other.
You got it. Come here.
[chuckles]
Oh, God.
Listen, I am this close to robbin' you guys.
She's a hooker! She's a hooker!
She's a..
Hi. Uh, we spoke on the phone.
[instrumental music]
So your dad dropped by.
He's a pleasant man.
- Oh, no. - I better go.
Just over here. I don't wanna miss the fight.
Ross, I'm so sorry.
Okay, I-I promise, I will straighten this out
with him tomorrow in person.
Or via e-mail.
I don't care about your dad. I care about Mona.
She was there and now she's totally freaked out.
Oh, okay, I'll fix that too. What's her e-mail address?
Rachel?
Alright, I promise, I'll fix this. I swear.
I'll-I'll-I'll talk to her.
- Okay. Thank you. - Okay.
That's it?
You call that a fight? Come on. "We were on a break."
"No, we weren't." What happened to you two?
[instrumental music]
[knock at door]
Thank you so much for coming back over.
Oh, good. You're here.
Yeah, and I was worried that it was going to be uncomfortable.
I know, Mona, just hear me out.
First of all, I am so sorry
about my father yelling at you.
But I heard that you totally held your own.
You're gonna have to tell me how you did that.
- Focus. - Okay. Uh, but, okay.
Yes, Ross and I used to date.
And, yes, we are gonna have...a baby
but we are definitely not getting back together.
How can I be sure of that?
Oh, because we drove each other crazy.
- Yeah. - I mean, he was possessive.
He was jealous. He could never just let the little things go.
- Trying to date this woman. - Right.
But none of that compared to how kind
and, and gentle and thoughtful he is.
Probably shouldn't touch me.
You know, I-I-I just..
I don't wanna get in the middle
of something so complicated.
I-I get it, but-but, Mona
what relationship is not complicated?
I mean, we all have our baggage.
You must too.
Why else would you still be single?
I'm so gonna leave right now.
[sighs]
Should I leave this open for you too?
I'm not sure yet.
Why didn't you just tell me about all this?
Because what's going on with Rachel has nothing to do
with how I feel about you.
Yeah, well, you still should have told me.
I know, and I was going to
but...I thought it was better
that you heard it from Rachel's father.
Look, I, I made a mistake.
But it's only 'cause I really, really like you.
Really.
Okay.
I guess you can...close the door now.
[knock at door]
Forgot my purse.
Oh. You guys made up.
He's a good kisser, isn't he?
I'm going!
[instrumental music]
I swear I didn't know she was a hooker.
I mean..
Did you let her smoke in here?
Her ass print is still on your grandmother's quilt.
Do you really want to talk about smoking?
You know what?
I'm gonna make this up to you.
I promised you a stripper..
["Let Me Blow Ya Mind" over stereo]
...and you're gonna get a stripper.
Monica, wait.
What?
Carry on.
♪ I had to give you up ♪
♪ It's only been a year ♪
♪ I got my foot through the door ♪
♪ And I ain't going nowhere ♪
♪ It took a while to get me in ♪
♪ And I'm gonna take my time ♪
♪ Don't fight that good shit.. ♪
Ooh, these tennis shoes are so tight.
I think I'll take them off.
Could you not narrate?
Gotcha, sailor.
♪ Snakes in my path wanna smile up at me ♪
♪ They wanna bank up makes me dizzy ♪
♪ Shank up haters wanna.. ♪♪
(Dr. Green on phone) 'Just because you're not in love with the guy..'
Oh, you told your dad the truth?
About an hour ago.
- Wanna go see a movie? - Yes.
Bye, daddy.
(Dr. Green on phone) '...there's gonna be a wedding!'
'That's unacceptable, Rachel.'
'What the hell does love have to do with it anyway?'
'There are more important things in a marriage than love.'
[indistinct chatter over telephone]
'You have to think about the consequences of your decision.'
Hey, I do too think about the consequences
of my decisions.
Well, what gives you the right to..
Go to hell!
Stupid guy on my phone.
[theme music]