- Hey, guys, guess what? - What?
Alright, I know it's last minute
but we've decided to have a Halloween party.
- Oh, good! - Great.
And everybody has to wear costumes.
- Oh.. - 'I can't make it.'
Come on, it'll be fun.
Well, I-I'll be there.
I mean I have to wear a costume
to all my classes that day, anyway so..
Please tell me you're not gonna dress up like a dinosaur.
[scoffs]
Not two years in a row.
Look, I'll come to the party, but I'm not dressing up.
- You have to. - No way.
Look, Halloween is so stupid.
Dressing up and pretending to be someone you're not.
You're an actor.
Look, Ross, are you gonna bring Mona?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think, I will.
The hot girl from their wedding?
Yeah.
Well, hey, if she needs any ideas for costume
she could be a, uh, bikini model..
...or a slutty nurse, or a sexy cheerleader, huh.
Or, ooh-ooh, Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
No, no, no!
Slutty Leatherface.
Hey, wasn't Joey hitting on her at the wedding too?
That's right, he was hitting on her.
And I got her.
I guess the better man won.
Please don't take her from me.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Uh, Ursula!
- Oh. - Wait. It's-it's me, Phoebe.
Oh, I thought there was a mirror there.
Okay. Buh-bye.
Wait a second!
Um, so, what's new with you?
Um, nothing.
I mean, I'm getting married next week.
What?
Yeah, yeah. It's gonna be a small ceremony.
Just family.
His.
Huh? Okay.
Well, I'm really happy for you.
Wait. If, um, if you want to come..
...I guess that'd be okay.
- Really? - Sure. Why not?
You could be my sister for the day.
Yeah, okay.
Um, you know, my friends are having
a Halloween party tonight at my old apartment
so you could come.
Maybe I could meet the guy you're marrying.
Huh. Well, I'm supposed to be working
at the restaurant tonight.
I'm supposed to be working now, so who cares!
By the way, um, it's a costume party.
Oh! Okay, so that's why you're..
No. But thanks.
[instrumental music]
- Hi. - Wait.
You're supposed to wear a costume.
I am.
I am a woman
who spent a lot of money
on a dress and she wants to wear it
because soon she won't be able to fit into it.
- Oh, I'm Catwoman.. - Oh.
Who wants to borrow the dress when you're too big for it.
Okay.
- 'Trick or treat!' - Oh, oh!
Can I give out candy? I really want to be with kids right now.
You know, ever since I got pregnant
I-I have the strongest maternal instincts.
- 'Trick or treat!' - Just a minute!
Whoa! Oh! Look at you guys!
Wow!
- You are a very scary witch. - Thank you.
And you are a very funny clown.
And you are so in style right now.
You know, I work at Ralph Lauren
and the whole fall line has got this
like Equestrian theme going on.
I don't suppose you saw the cover of British Vogue, but--
Can I just have the candy?
Yeah. Sure.
Ah, Catwoman. So we meet again.
So we do, Supergirl.
No, it's me, Phoebe.
Monica, can I talk to you for a second?
Listen, I appreciate you getting me the costume..
Oh, you did this to him?
What? I thought he'd love it.
His favorite kid's book was "The Velveteen Rabbit."
"The Velveteen Rabbit" was brown and white!
Well, it was either a pink bunny, or no bunny at all.
No bunny at all. Always no bunny at all!
- Hey. - You didn't dress up either?
Yes, I did. I'm Chandler.
Dude, what happened?
- How is that me? - 'Okay.'
[clears throat]
I'm Chandler.
[growling]
Oh! That is so you!
When have I ever done that?
"When have I ever done that?"
[growling]
[laughing]
[knock on door]
- 'Trick or treat.' - Oh.
Oh, well, you're just
the prettiest ballerina I've ever seen.
Thank you.
Oh, wow! That deserves another piece of candy.
Thank you.
Well, I have to say, that earns
two-two pieces of candy.
I love you!
Oh! Oh!
Aw!
Aw, honey, here, take it all.
Monica? We need more candy.
What? There's only been like four kids.
Yeah, I know, but one of them just said that she loved me
so I just gave her everything.
Oh, no wonder you're pregnant.
- Hey. - Hey.
What are you supposed to be?
Remember the Russian satellite, Sputnik?
Well, I'm a potato..
...or a spud..
...and these are my antenna.
So Sputnik becomes..
...Spud-nik! Spud-nik.
Wow! I don't have the worst costume anymore.
Hey, alright! Ross came as doodie.
- No, I'm-I'm not doodie. - No, space-doodie.
- Hey, sweetie. - Oh.
Aren't you gonna give me a kiss?
Okay, I will, but right after
you have to tell me who the hell you are.
- Ursula? - Ursula's fiance?
- Oh, my God. You're the sister. - Yeah.
Okay, I just slapped my future sister-in-law's ass.
Yeah.
I'm an idiot. Is your mother here?
Maybe I can give her a little slap on the butt.
No, my mother killed herself.
See, and I knew that, and..
Now I'm sweating.
Uh, look at me, I'm really sweating
I mean, now I'm saying, "Look at me"
I'm getting even sweatier.
I think I should probably just go.
No-no! That's okay. We'll just start over, okay?
- Hi, I'm Phoebe. - Uh, Eric.
Why are you looking at me like that?
'Cause the sweat's getting in my eyes and it's burning.
Okay.
- Thank you. - There. So what are you?
I don't think they have a name for it.
I get nervous, I start sweating like crazy.
No, I-I meant your costume.
Oh, um, I'm a solar system.
Yeah, my students helped me make it
I teach the second grade.
- I love the second grade. - Really?
Yeah, it's much better than first grade
when you don't know what's going on
and-and definitely better than third grade.
You know, with all the politics and the mind games and..
- So, what do you do? - Um, I'm a masseuse, by day.
You know, you don't have to stand with me, believe me--
Oh, I'm having fun.
I'm really.. And I'm really really excited
for you and Ursula.
Oh, I feel very lucky, she's great.
I think she's the most beautiful woman ever I've ever seen.
Thank you.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, Joey? - Yeah?
- You read comic books, right? - Exclusively.
Who do you think would win in a fight..
...Catwoman or Supergirl?
- Catwoman, hands down. - Yeah.
But between you and Phoebe?
I'd have to give the edge to Phoebe.
- What? Really? - Are you kidding?
Phoebe lived on the street, okay?
Plus, she's got this crazy temper.
She..
She's not standing right behind me, is she?
No, you're fine.
Alright, well, do you think I could take Rachel?
I'm not sure.
What? Come on, I am tough!
Punch me right here, as hard as you can!
Will you relax?
What are you taking this so seriously for?
- It doesn't matter. - Oh, really?
Okay, well, what would you say if I told you
that, you know, I thought Ross or Chandler could beat you up?
I would say, woman, please.
Hey, Ursula's fiance is really sweet.
He's a teacher, he does all this volunteer work.
You know, normally, you know
I don't like really sweaty guys.
But this one? I could just m-mop him up!
- Oh, my God, Phoebe? - What?
You're getting a crush on your sister's fiance.
No, I'm not, you are!
Here comes the temper.
[knock on door]
- Trick or treat. - Hi.
You know what, honey? We're actually out of candy right now.
But someone just went out to get some.
And I have been giving out money
but I'm out of that too.
Hey, can I write you a check?
- Okay. - Okay. What's your name?
Lelani Mayolanofavich.
Okay, I'm just gonna write this out to cash.
- Hi. - Hi, Mona.
- Oh, hey. - Hi.
Joey's gonna be thrilled.
He was hoping you'd come by as a slutty nurse.
Um, actually, I'm just a nurse.
You'd think that would embarrass me
but, you see, I'm maxed out.
- Hey, you made it. - Hi.
Wait, wait. You're, um, you're a potato?
Well, I'm a spud..
And the antenna...Oh, my God, you're Spud-nik!
- Yes! - Marry her.
Okay, here's a good one for you.
Who do think would win in a fight between Ross and Chandler?
I can't answer that. Chandler's my husband.
- So Ross? - Yeah.
- Hey, beautiful. - Hello, handsome.
Oh, God.
Aw, look at you two.
So when did you guys meet?
- Oh, two weeks ago. - Two weeks, that's it?
Yeah, I know. It sounds crazy
and it's not like me to do something so impulsive
but she's just so perfect, and we have so much in common.
- Oh, really? - We're both teachers.
Huh?
And we were both in the Peace Corps.
Peace Corps, really?
In fact, when we were building houses in Uruguay
we were.. We were just two towns apart and we never met.
Yeah, it wasn't a town when I got there
but it was a town when I left.
[chuckles]
Shall we get me really drunk?
Sure.
Howdy, doodie?
That's funny, yeah.
You know you're the funniest man here
in a pink bunny costume his wife made him wear.
Relax, man. Relax.
You're looking a little flushed.
Hey-hey-hey, I think we might find out
the answer to our question.
What question?
Monica and I were talking
about who could kick whose ass
in a fight, you or Ross?
There's no question.
So you think Ross too?
- You picked Ross? - Ross is really strong.
He's the strongest out of all three of you.
Except for Joey.
I can not believe you didn't pick me.
Uh, in her defense, she's right.
I am stronger. I would destroy you.
Oh, really? You think you're stronger?
Why don't you prove it?
Oh, I'll prove it. I'll prove it like a theorem!
Wait! Wait! Okay, stop it!
Stop it. Stop!
Now listen, no one's gonna fight in this apartment.
Hey, Monica, people came to see a fight
let's give 'em what they came for!
Hey, you guys could arm-wrestle.
Yeah, listen to the slutty nurse.
You're going down.
Oh, yeah? You're going further down, downtown!
Seriously, guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
[instrumental music]
Oh, Gunther, you brought candy.
Thank you so much for picking this up.
- You are so sweet. - Really?
Honey, someday, you are gonna make some man
the luckiest guy in the world.
[knock on door]
- Got to go. - 'Trick or treat.'
Hi! Wow!
There you go.
My friend Lewis told me you were giving out money.
Oh yeah, we were but um, now we've got candy.
I'd rather have the money.
Well, th-that's not your choice.
- Happy Halloween! - This isn't fair.
Well, is it fair that all you did was put on a cape
and I gotta give you free stuff?
Shut up!
You shut up!
You can't tell me to shut up.
Uh, I think I just did.
And, uh-oh, here it comes again. Shut up!
- Uh, Rach. - Yeah, no, I got it.
I'm good. I got it.
Now, wait a minute, I've got one more thing
I have to say to you.
Oh right! Shut up!
You're a mean old woman.
No! Wait no! Shut up! I mean, don't cry!
Let me get my checkbook!
Look, honey, you don't have to do this, okay?
It's the strength you have inside
that means the most to me.
You're loyal, and you're honest
and-and you have integrity.
That's the kind of strength that I want in the man that I love!
That means nothing to me. Come on!
Oh!
- Hi, liar. - Hey.
You know the only reason he's marrying you
is because he thinks all the things you were saying
about yourself were true.
Well, they could be true.
But they're not.
Yeah, it's a fine line, huh?
- Why are you lying to him? - I don't know.
He said he did all this stuff
and then I said I did it too
and he got so excited, it was really fun.
(Eric) 'Honey?'
It's a filthy, disgusting habit
and I want you to quit now!
She's helped so many people to quit smoking.
(Ursula) 'You know, we'd really better get going.'
Oh, right. You have a church group meeting, tonight.
Right.
Well...it was nice meeting you.
You too.
And, Ursula, it was really nice meeting you tonight!
Pheebs, come on!
Bunny versus doodie. We're waiting!
Okay, okay, guys. One match, winner take all.
Oh, wait, wait. What does the winner get?
- Pride. - And dignity.
[chuckles] Okay, if you say so.
Alright, ready, set, go!
- 'Come on!' - 'Come on!'
[all cheering]
Wow, they're both really strong.
Or equally weak.
- Oh, God. - Hm?
Chandler's making his sex face.
So, you getting tired?
Nope. I can do this all day.
Yeah. Me too.
Getting a little tired, though.
God, I'm exhausted.
Look, this is starting to look really bad for me. Okay?
Mona-Mona's standing right over there.
Oh, God. She's talking to Joey!
You gotta let me win!
No way! If anything you have to let me win!
My wife thinks I'm a wimp.
Hey, at least you have a wife.
I-I keep getting divorces and knockin' people up!
And I'm dressed as doodie.
You're Spud-nik.
Come on, who are we kidding? I'm doodie.
Please? She's watching.
[sighs]
- Fine. - Thanks.
[grunts]
- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah!
Yay!
My hero!
You're a weird lady.
Hey, Ursula said she left her purse.
- Oh. - Oh, what a relief.
It has all the numbers of the people in her prayer chain.
Sure it does, yeah, yeah.
Well, guess I'll see you at the wedding.
Um, listen, I don't think..
I don't think I'm gonna make it to the wedding.
So I just want to wish you all the luck in the world.
I think we'll be okay.
Besides it's so perfect and..
[whispering] She's been saving herself for me.
Okay, I can't let you do this. She's lying to you.
- What? - She is lying.
And I bet I could prove it. Excuse me.
Okay, okay, yeah, not a prayer chain
but what looks like a detailed drawing
of a bank floor plan.
Okay, here's the name tag from the restaurant
where she works as a waitress.
Not a teacher, a waitress.
Alright, here's her driver license.
this oughta be good, she always lies about this.
How old did she say she was?
She told me she was 25.
Oh, I almost don't wanna show you this.
Just remember, I'm a minute younger.
I am so stupid.
Of course she was lying. She's not a teacher.
There's not such a thing as the
Top Secret Elementary School For the Children of Spies.
No, you're not.. You're not stupid.
I'm not smart.
I just wanted so much to...be impulsive for once.
- To be romantic. - That's good.
You should be impulsive and you should be romantic.
Just...you did it with the wrong person.
- What? - It's just so weird.
Two people look so much alike..
...and so different.
(Ursula) 'Eric! Let's go!'
- Better go deal with it. - Yeah, you should.
(Ursula) 'Hurry up! I gotta pray!'
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
Well, I had to give the kid 50 bucks to stop crying.
Well, that's not bad.
No, I also had to go to a couple houses
with him as his girlfriend.
Oh, I am just awful with children.
Come on, you're good with kids.
They're just crazy on Halloween, you know.
They're all greedy, and hopped up on sugar.
Really? You think that's all it is?
Absolutely.
Halloween is the worst.
Except for Christmas..
- And their birthdays. - Mm-hmm.
Kinda get a little crazy during the summer too.
And any time they're hungry or sleepy.
Yeah, kids are tough. Good luck with that.
[instrumental music]
Look, I wanted to tell you I'm-I'm sorry you lost.
Oh, listen. I got a secret for you.
I let him win.
Was that a secret, or a lie?
- No, I let him.. Ross? - Yeah?
Would you tell her that I let you win, please?
Oh, yeah, uh, Chandler let me win.
No, Chandler's really strong.
Oh, my arm is so sore. Oh, nurse?
I am strong. I'll show you.
Oh, uh, Chandler, please.
Oh, what's the matter? Are you scared?
Let's go, big bunny!
One, two, three. Go!
I'm gonna kill myself!
[theme music]