Wait...before we go in
I just want you to know that...I love you.
And I had a great time on our honeymoon
and I can't wait to go in there
and spend the rest of our life together.
You're really sticking with the shell necklace, huh?
- Hey, you're back! - Hey, you're back, yeah!
- Hey, sweetie. - Yeah.
- Come on in! - Yeah, come on!
He he. So how was the honeymoon?
Uh, it was so much fun, but the best part is
we met this incredible couple on the flight back.
That was the best part?
Good honeymooning, tiger.
No, they were really cool
and they were on their honeymoon, too.
They're terrific, and they live right here in the city.
Yeah, can we go call them? Is it to soon to call?
I wanna call.
I'm sorry, we're just kind of excited
'cause we finally have a couple to hang out with.
A couple? Like two people?
Like one, two people?
This is different.
Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
Ugh, Greg and Jenny, ugh.
"Hi, Greg, I'm Chandler, this is Monica.
"Hi, Monica, this is Jenny. Hi, Jenny. Hi, Greg."
Listen, they are really great. If you just got a chance to--
You know what? Why don't you just give us our souvenirs
and get the hell outta here?
Yeah, we didn't, get a chance to--
You've got to be kidding me!
We didn't get anything for anyone.
Hmm-mmm, yeah. Nice necklace.
That you can have.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ And when it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪
- Hi! - Hey, hello.
Welcome home.
So, how was the honeymoon?
Uh, it was great, it was great. But how about you?
I mean, you're having a baby.
Oh, look, I have a sonogram picture.
Oh, good.
Ross..
...it's got your wavy black lines.
Alright, so now that Ross knows
can you tell us, you know, how it happened?
I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen?
Monica, that's not right.
Start with "where."
Well, it happened about six weeks ago
and, uh, I had just gotten home from work
and Ross was already there
because I guess he'd been hangin' out with Joey.
You're welcome, buddy.
Yeah, thanks.
And so, I had a lot of work to do
and Ross, nice guy that he is offered to help me out
and then we had a little wine, we got to talking.
The next thing you know, outta nowhere
Ross comes on to me.
Um, that's, that's a little misleading.
- What is? - The lie you just told.
- That, that you came on to me? - There's the one.
But you did.
- I mean, let's be honest. - Yes, let's.
You know what, uh, it's not important.
What's important is that, is that we're having a baby.
and it doesn't matter who came on to who.
Whom.
That's right.
- You know you kissed me first. - W-what?
You were begging me to kiss you.
You, you, you were sending me signals all over the place.
- I was sending you signals? - Yeah.
Oh, please. Okay, anyone in this room think
that I would actually send Ross begging signals
please, show of hands.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter what people believe.
What matters is what happened.
Okay. Well, so these signals
Ross, explain this to me, 'cause maybe I need to be more careful.
I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?
You know what? You know what? Rachel, just, just drop it.
No, please. Show me how I begged you.
I can show you. I have it on videotape.
It's an expression.
I can't believe he taped the two of them having sex.
- I know. - Yeah.
You gotta tell a girl before you tape her.
Such a rookie mistake.
You know who has a great video camera?
- Greg and Jenny? - Do you still wanna call 'em?
- I wanna call 'em. - Let's call 'em.
Yeah, ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs.
- Hello? Eighth Street Deli? - Hey, hang up.
You get food poisoning just talkin' to that place.
Uh, sorry. Wrong number.
Here you go, babe.
Hello?
- It's the deli again. - Alright, I'll have a sandwich.
I don't think this number's right.
[laughing]
What?
You got fake numbered.
What? People don't do that.
Oh, I think we do.
They gave us a fake number? W-why would they do that?
I don't know. You were a delight to talk to.
You asked all those insightful great questions.
And you've never been funnier. I mean, joke, joke, joke, joke.
I mean, you were a hoot.
You know what? Don't worry about it.
You still got me and Phoebe.
Excuse me, I don't want Greg and Jenny's rejects.
Rachel won't talk to me.
- She won't even open the door. - Hmm, I wonder why, pervert?
Okay, listen, I am not a pervert.
That's like the pervert motto.
Yeah, they have you raise your right hand
put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that.
Look, filming Rachel was not something I planned.
Okay, look, here's what happened
and, Joey, you can back me up on this.
Alright, about, about a month and a half ago
remember I came to you with a problem?
Um, uh, a personal thing?
Perso.. What personal thing?
About...about sex?
That I hadn't had sex in months.
Yeah. I knew what you were talkin' about.
Hey.
Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something
I'm, I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Sure, yeah.
About, uh...you showerin' with your mom?
I actually had a topic in mind.
I'm, I'm kinda goin'...through a dry spell.
- Sex-wise. - Oh, for like, months?
Five to be lying, six.
Six months, wow, that's rough.
Well, I mean, it's not all bad.
I'm learning to appreciate the, uh, smaller things in life.
Like, sound of a bird and the..
...the color of the sky.
Sky's blue, Ross and I had sex yesterday.
Please help me.
I have a date tonight. It has to go well, okay.
- I'm scared for my health. - Okay, okay.
Oh! Oh, oh, I got somethin'.
Okay, it's a story that I came up with. Very Romantic. I swear.
Any woman that hears it, they're like putty.
Really? Well, then tell it to me.
Okay.
Now, you're gonna wanna have sex with me when you hear it
but...you have to remember. It is just the story.
I'll try to control myself.
[clearing throat] Okay.
Years ago when I was backpacking across Western Europe..
You were backpacking across Western Europe?
Have a nice six more months, Ross.
Okay! Okay! Okay.
I'm, I'm sorry. Please, please. You were in Western Europe and..
I was just outside of Barcelona
hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo.
I was at the end of this path
and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded.
And there were tall trees all around.
[whispering] It was dead silent.
Gorgeous.
And across the lake I saw..
...a beautiful woman bathing herself..
...but she was crying.
Why?
Hmm...hmm, this is great wine.
It's from France.
In Europe.
Western Europe.
You know, um, a few years ago..
...uh, actually I was backpacking
across Western Europe.
- Really? - Mm-hmm, wait, it gets better.
Um, yeah, I was in, um, Barcelona.
I studied for a year in Barcelona.
Anyway, um, so I was um, I was hikin'--
- I love hiking. - Ha! That's great.
I was hiking along the foothills of uh, Mount Tibidaybo--
- I think it's Tibidabo. - Okay.
Do you wanna tell the story?
Whoa! What are you doin' here? How did your date go?
Great. I'm across the street having sex with her right now.
- Your story sucks. - Hey, look..
If it didn't work, it's 'cause you didn't tell it right!
- Show me how you did it. - No! No, I don't want to.
How long since you seen a girl naked?
I was backpacking..
...across Western Europe.
I'm not feelin' it.
I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking--
No, no, no, Ross. I'm not hot. Are you hot?
It's been six months. I'm always hot.
Well, you're not sellin' the story.
It's like, it's like you don't believe it.
Look, I gotta go. I got a date, but try this.
Do what I do when I'm preparin' for an audition, okay.
I'll set you up with my video camera
and you can record yourself and, and see what you're doin' wrong.
I'll try that.
Alright now...alright, you're all setup. You're good to go.
Just hit record, Alright? Good luck.
Thanks. And-and, hey, Joe? Listen.
If you ever have any problems with the ladies
you know I'll help you out.
That means a lot to me, man.
[sighing]
Hello.
Can I get you anything? Huh? Lens cleaner?
Your battery okay?
- Rachel, hi. - Oh, Ross.
Thank God you're here. You have to help me.
Were you just talking to yourself?
That's less embarrassing, yes. Yes, I was.
(Ross) 'So when she came in, I got distracted'
'and totally forgot about the camera.'
It kept rolling and recorded everything.
Yeah, we're gonna need to see that tape.
What a great idea. That'll get Rachel to forgive me.
You know what? This is not fair to her.
Let's just forget the tape!
Thank you.
- No. - You're right.
- Joey, no. - Loud and clear.
I still don't get why Greg and Jenny
would give us a fake number.
You know, if they knew what they were doin'
they probably didn't give you real names, either.
Okay.
Maybe people give out fake numbers
but they don't give out fake names.
Oh, yeah.
Hi. Ken Adams. Nice to meet ya.
Regina Philange.
I still don't get it. We didn't do anything wrong.
(Monica) I know.
Although, you did tell an awful lot of jokes.
I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke! Joke! Joke!
Joke. Joke. Blah! Blah!
Well, maybe it was all of your questions.
What about my questions?
The sheer volume. It was like flying with the Riddler!
Oh, I'm sorry. Was that another joke?
Was that another question?
Hey, is Ross still here?
Uh, no, Rach he's gone. But listen, he told us what happened
and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake.
(Rachel) Oh, really?
Well, how would you like if I had sex with you and I taped it?
Oh, forget it.
Oh, there he is now, the father of my child
the porn king of the West Village.
Look, it was an accident!
Okay? I-I feel bad that it happened, but I swear
I didn't even watch it.
Anyway... here.
I thought you might be more comfortable
destroying it yourself.
Thank you.
[blabbering]
What?
[blabbering]
You don't wanna see this, do you?
Hell, yeah.
I am not gonna show you this.
No. Not the sex part. Just the stuff leading up to it.
Forget it. She's destroying it.
Okay, fine.
Fine. We'll just have to think of some other way
to put the whole who came on to who thing to rest.
Come on, now. Think!
Look, forget it, Phoebe. Okay?
It's Rachel's tape and she can do whatever she wants with it.
And she wants to destroy it. So, end of story.
I wanna see it.
What?
Clearly you don't want people to see this tape.
Now I don't want people to see this tape either.
But you so badly don't want people to see it
that makes me wanna see it. Do you see?
Are we watchin' the tape or not?
I don't want people to see it for your sake.
Ah, I don't believe you.
I think you don't want them to see you begging me.
- Rachel, please. - Ah, a little preview.
Fine.
Fine, but I want the record to show that
I tried to take the high road
because in about five minutes, I'm gonna be saying, "Ha ha ha."
Okay, here we go.
'Hello.'
- 'Can I get you anything?' - So happy!
(Rachel) 'Oh, thank God you're here, Ross.'
'I need you to help me. Were you just talking to yourself?'
Oh, there I am.
You're gonna get pregnant.
'I told Monica that I would stuff and send'
'all the wedding invitations like weeks ago and I-I..'
- 'You didn't do it?' - 'I-I, no, I had put them in..'
'...in-in my desk at work'
'and I completely forgot about 'em until today..'
Sweetie, sweetie, it's okay.
Everybody made it to the wedding. I'm fine.
- Kinda hurtin' my hand though. - I know.
'I cannot believe that I did this.'
'Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it!'
'"Okay, Rachel! Here are the invitations, Rachel!'
'"Now be very careful, Rachel!'
'"Please, drinking no liquids'
'around the invitations, Rachel!"'
'Whoa oh! Oh-oh-oh! Oh...oh-oh-oh.'
Did you do it on our invitations?
Not on the ones we sent out.
So, just the ones you gave back to us and we had framed!
'Oh, can you believe this is already happening?'
'I mean it seems like yesterday they just got engaged.'
'I know.'
'Hey, remember...remember the night they got engaged?'
- 'How, uh, you and I almost..' - 'I remember how we almost.'
'Do you think we would've gone through with it?'
'You know, if we hadn't gotten caught.'
'Would you think we would've done it?'
'I mean, I-I know I wanted to.'
'I just, I just wasn't sure if you wanted to.'
'Oh, I wanted to.'
'So, we...we both wanted to.'
- 'Interesting.' - 'Hmm.'
'Anyway, um...probably worked out for the best.'
'Yeah, sure.'
Okay, in about ten seconds you're gonna see him kiss me.
And in about five seconds you're gonna see why.
'Ross, did I ever tell you about the time'
'that I went backpacking through Western Europe?'
Okay, get ready to see some beggin'.
Oh, you came on to Ross!
- What? - Now I'm so happy.
- What are you talking about? - You used the Europe story!
That's the magic story you use when you wanna have sex.
How do you know about that story?
I heard it from my friend Irene, who heard it from some guy.
Some guy!
No, no. She told me that his name was Ken Adams.
Ken Adams!
[knocking on door]
Hi.
So, apparently, uh, people are familiar with the Europe story?
Yeah. Listen, about that. The whole, uh..
...who came on to who thing really doesn't matter.
I mean, I think it would've happened either way.
I mean, if you hadn't initiated it, I know I would have.
It was an amazing night.
It was. It was an amazing night.
Do you think it looked amazing?
I, uh...I don't know. I mean..
- I-I honestly didn't watch it. - Yeah, me neither.
Yet!
Uh, that-that may be weird.
Yeah, it would be really weird.
[inhaling deeply]
- Good luck. - Good luck to you.
- Mind if I mute? - Oh, please.
Oh, there-there go the clothes.
You are undressing awfully quickly.
Six months, Rachel. Six months!
- Ah. - Ah.
- Huh. - Hey!
- We look, we look pretty good. - I-I was gonna say.
- Ooh! Nice tan! - Thank you.
I had just gone to the beach that weekend.
Ah!
Uh...have you been working out?
- I have been working out. - Really?
Well, this is so much better than I ever--
- Oh! - Oh!
- Ew! - Ew!
- Oh, that's not pretty. - Oh!
- No! Oh, no! - Oh, God! Oh, make it stop!
- No, no! No! No! - Make it stop! Make it stop!
Hello, Greg? Hi, this is Monica from the plane.
Listen, the number that you gave me, uh, 8-5-3-5..
That is their old number!
Jenny's been giving it out since they moved!
- Jenny...that is so Jenny. - I know.
Hey, listen. Um, how would you like to get together
say, next Saturday?
Okay, how 'bout Sunday?
Okay, um, the week after that?
The week after that?
You know what, Greg?
You know what? We are good, interesting
funny people with good questions.
And if you and your precious Jenny can't see that, then..
January 15th.
We'll see you then! Okay!