Alright.
Yes! From home to the hospital
in under seven minutes.
- We did it. - Yes.
The hard part is truly over.
No, but come on, we're off to a great start, aren't we?
I knew I'd get you here fast, but this has gotta be
some kind of a record.
- Oh, you made it. - Hi.
- How're you doing? - How..
How the hell did you beat us here?
We took a cab. Did you guys walk?
No.. No, we took a cab too.
But I-I did test runs.
- Hi. - Hey, you made it.
Okay, is there...some kind of magic tunnel
to this hospital?
Ross, you stay here and talk. I'm gonna go have a baby.
Okay, okay.
Um, hi, hi, this is Rachel Green, I'm Ross Geller.
- We-we called from the car. - Right.
We have a semiprivate labor room waiting for you--
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, I'm sorry, semiprivate?
We-we, uh..
We asked for a private room.
Yes, I see that here.
Unfortunately, we can't guarantee a private room
and currently, they're all unavailable.
Man, if only you'd gotten here sooner.
I'm sorry, semiprivate rooms are all we have.
Okay, uh, just give us a second.
Ross?
Yeah?
Give her some money.
I really think they're out of rooms.
They're not, Ross, they're just saving them
for the important people, okay?
What-what if I was the President?
Well, then we'd be in a lot of trouble.
You don't know where any countries are.
Okay.
Let's say, would you, um, would you mind checking again?
See if any, uh, private rooms may have opened up.
This is a hospital.
Okay, you know what, I have to say
I don't really care for your tone
and this is not the only hospital in the city
and we have no problem to..
Whoa! Oh, gosh, whoa.
- What? What? - Oh, ow! Contraction.
- Ow, ow. - Oh.
[groaning]
Would you like to see a semiprivate room?
Yeah, it couldn't hurt to look.
[theme song]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day ♪
♪ Your week your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪♪
Well, you're only two centimeters dilated
and we need to get to ten.
- It'll be a while. - Uh, okay.
I'll be back in an hour to check you again.
- 'Okay, thank you.' - 'Thank you.'
Well, I guess we have some time to kill.
Yeah. Guess so.
- Whew! Check these out. - Oh!
Never done this before.
Yeah. Well, it looks great.
Thank you very much.
I think we're ready to..
Hi, I'm, uh, I'm Ross.
I'm-I'm here to ruin this magical day for you.
- Oh, no, no. Not at all. - Don't worry about it.
Marc Coregar. This is my wife, Julie.
- Hi, Julie. This is Rachel. - Hi.
- Oh, hi, Rachel. - Hi. How are you?
- Is this your first? - Yeah, it is.
Well, little Jamie here is our third.
So, if you have any questions
or you need anything at all, just holler.
- That's so sweet. - Yeah.
Aww.
Um, say, I-I opened this earlier
but let me give you guys some privacy.
No, nonsense, we're all in this together.
Yeah, we are gonna share every moment of this with you
and I think we're gonna have some fun.
- Yeah. - O-okay, I-I guess.
- Hey, smile. - Oh, no. I really don't want..
- I-I don't know if we.. - Oh! Thank you.
- Oh, Ross. - What?
Here comes another contraction.
- Oh. - Ooh.
- Okay, just breathe. - Ooh. Whoa!
Oh, oh, honey, I think I'm having one too.
Oh.
- Oh. Oh. - Ow. Ow.
Oh..
Oh, hey-hey! Look at this. Huh? Huh?
- Here we go. - Oh, no, no! No, no, no!
[instrumental music]
Oh, wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh!
The miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.
Hey, you wanna see something?
Sure, what?
Okay, um, this is gonna be fun.
- Watch me freak out Chandler. - Uh-huh.
- Honey? - Yeah?
Listen, uh..
...I-I've been doing some thinking
and I don't know whether it's because we're here
or...Rachel's giving birth..
...but, um..
I think we should try to have a baby.
Okay.
Wh-what's that now?
Okay. I've been thinking about it too
and I-I think we're ready.
Wha..
Are you kidding me?
You-you-you think we're ready to have a baby now?
Oh, this is fun.
You're ready to have a baby?
My boy's all grown up.
You said you were ready, too.
Yeah, but I was just screwing with you
t-to try to get your voice all high
and weird like mine is now.
Yes, but haven't you wanted a kid, like, forever?
Okay, just back off, mister.
'Cause I am ready to have a baby.
I just want Joey to be the father.
What? Are you crazy?
That's it, right there. That's all I wanted.
I am so sorry, the doctor insisted
on closing the curtain for the exam.
Oh, that's very, really, very, very okay.
Julie's cervix is dilated seven centimeters.
That's about four fingers.
Doctor let me feel it myself.
Have you felt Rachel's cervix, Ross?
- No, I don't know if-- - No, we won't be doing that.
Well, if you like, you could feel Rachel's
then feel mine to compare.
Am I interrupting?
- Uh, yes. Thank you. - Oh, no. No.
- Uh, later. - No, wait..
You can't leave me alone with these people.
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
No, Ross. Ross. Ross.
My child has no father.
Hi. Oh. Mwah.
I'm so glad you're here, but it's gonna be a while.
I wish you'd called first.
Well, that's alright, I'm coming back later with your father.
I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.
Okay. What's up?
I've brought something that I want to give you..
...assuming, of course, that you want it.
Ma, you're asking me to marry you?
This is your grandmother's engagement ring.
I want you to give it to Rachel.
Mom, no. Come on. Thank you.
- Just hear me out. - No-no, okay?
We've been through this, we're not gonna get married
just because she's pregnant, okay?
Honestly, Ross, this isn't just some girl
you picked up in a bar and..
...humped.
- A child should have a family. - Ma, you know what?
I-I can't deal with this right now.
- I'm sorry-- - Just think about it.
If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.
Give me that.
- Hi, dear. - Oh, hi.
Oh, thank you so much for coming.
Ross, get in here.
[instrumental music]
She came and dragged me out of the labor room
to ask me why I'm not with Rachel.
Yeah.
Why aren't you with Rachel?
Are you kidding?
Well, look, we're not gonna be together
just because we're havin' a baby, okay?
But, you know, it just seems that you two belong together.
Okay, stop it. I can't deal with this right now.
- I have to go have a baby. - Right.
And with who again?
God! He's crazy.
Why doesn't he want to be with Rachel?
- I know. - I-I mean, seriously.
She's like the perfect woman.
I mean, I know she turned me down but if she hadn't
and she wanted to be with me
I would take her in my arms and..
I haven't bummed you guys out like this in a while, have I?
- Hey. - Hey.
- Who's that? - New people.
What happened to the Disgustingtons?
They're having their baby.
It's not fair, Ross, I got here first.
Right after you left, they wheeled her off into delivery.
Oh, but not before she gave me a nice juicy shot
of little Jamie just crownin' away.
Wow. Sorry.
So, uh, how are the new people?
Well, they have, uh, some unusual pet names
for each other, including, um, evil bitch
and, uh, sick bastard.
- Oh, gosh, oh, contraction. - Yeah?
- Ooh. - Okay, okay.
- Ow! - Just breathe.
- Are you looking at her? - No!
Don't you look at her, you sick bastard.
Honey, I swear, I wasn't lookin' at her.
She's in labor.
You like that, you sick son of a bitch?
Uh, I'm just gonna..
See, see, it's because you were lookin', you fat pervert.
No, no, I'm-I'm sure no one was looking.
Just want some privacy.
(evil bitch) 'You miss your girlfriend?'
- Just ignore them, okay? - Aah.
- Here, you okay? - Yeah.
- Ross, Ross. - What? What?
- He's looking at me. - What? What?
Hey! You want to live to see your baby?
Don't you talk to my husband like that, you stupid bastard.
[instrumental music]
Oh, good God!
If you want a baby so bad, just go steal it.
What is going on with you?
Since when are you so crazy about babies?
I'm not crazy about babies.
I'm crazy about us.
- What? - Look..
We've always talked about having babies someday.
I'm not saying it has to be right now, but I'm..
...starting to think that we can handle it.
We're good.
We're really good.
We are pretty good.
But nothing has to happen till you're ready.
Well, maybe I'm ready now.
I mean, it's a little scary, but...maybe it's right.
What? It's not right.
We're not ready to have a kid now.
- What? - I'm kidding.
This is gonna be fun.
So, we're gonna try? I mean, we're trying?
We're trying to get pregnant.
Mm..
You know what, I'm not really comfortable doing this
in front of the babies.
So, when do you wanna start tryin'?
Alright, hold on a sec.
- Period math? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, we could start trying...now.
Right here?
No, not here.
Maybe here.
Wait a minute, it's perfect, we've got a lot of time to kill
and we're in a building that's full of beds.
And it's so clean.
Come on, you stupid machine. Come on!
Oh, it ate your money?
No.
Alright, I'll see you downstairs, then.
- Alright. - Alright.
Hey, I got one! I got one!
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, uh, up or down?
Oh, down, please.
I-I hate to be a ball buster, but can I just do it?
Yeah.
[clears throat]
- Could you press up, too? Yeah. - Sure.
I feel so bad for you. I broke my leg once, too.
Yeah? How'd yours happen?
Well, it's a long story. It's kind of embarrassing.
Let's just say there was a typographical error
with a sex manual.
[laughs]
- How about you? - Car accident.
Oh, let me guess, some idiot on a cell phone
wasn't paying attention?
Yeah, me.
- Uh, hey, that's me. - Okay.
Hey, uh, I take it you're just visiting someone.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Well, um, if you have some time
you know, and maybe
you might wanna visit someone else..
- Yeah, I-I would like that. - Great. I'm in the room..
Wait! What? No!
Elevator! No!
Uh, you-you gotta press the button.
[instrumental music]
The nurse said they're bringing in another woman.
[groans] Is she pregnant yet?
She doesn't need to be.
She'll still have the baby before I do.
Oh. Oh, Ross, another contraction.
- Uh, okay. Uh, here, here. - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- That's it, that's it. - Ooh! Ow! Ow!
Oh, that sounded like a bad one.
Yeah, it was.
Mine haven't been so bad.
Oh! Here comes one now.
Mmm. Mmh!
Whoa. That was a big one. Ugh!
Excuse me. Could you help me with something?
The patient I'm looking for has a broken leg
and he's in a wheelchair and, um, he's like
early to mid-30s, very attractive.
I think I know who you're talkin' about.
Oh, yay! Great. Okay, what room number is he in?
I'm sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff.
Uh, she's with me Dr. Drake Ramoray.
Dr. Drake who?
Ramoray. It's Portuguese.
We need that information. I'm a doctor.
- A doctor at this hosp-- - Damn it, woman!
We're losing precious time.
Now, do you want this man's blood on your head?
- Hands. - Hands?
It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man
my assistant described is staying in.
He's a patient of mine. I've been treating him for years.
- He's in room 816. - 816. Thank you.
Thank you.
- And what is his name? - No!
[instrumental music]
- I think we found a place. - Okay.
[both moaning]
Wait. Don't we want to set the mood a little?
Oh, okay, uh..
We'll dim the lights, dim the lights.
(Monica) 'Okay.'
Or turn them out altogether.
Uh, no scented candles.
Okay, here. There we go.
Uh, okay, okay.
Make me sterile, but okay.
Okay. That's right.
Oh, wait. Do we have a condom?
Oh, right.
[door opens]
Yes, 98.6.
You're gonna be fine.
Ooh, this is it.
[gasps] That's him, that's him.
Great. Well, go get him.
Wait a second.
Or maybe you could go in first.
Yeah, he's not really my type.
No, not you. Dr. Drake Ramoray.
You could ask him questions and see what he's like.
People tell doctors everything.
But you said he was this great guy.
But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first
and then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.
- You do attract some stinkers. - Yeah, I know.
Dr. Long, I've been at this for 17 hours.
Three women have come and gone with their babies.
You got to give me some good news.
How many centimeters am I dilated, eight?
- Nine? - Three.
Just three?
I'm dilated three.
We are moving along, just slowly.
Don't worry, you're doing great.
I'll be back soon.
Thank you.
Hey, you know what? I'm not waiting.
I'm gonna push this baby out.
I'm doing it. I mean, it's what, three centimeters?
That's gotta be like this, right?
Actually, it's, it's more like this.
Ah, stupid metric system.
[woman screaming]
Oh, my. We're gonna need to take you
straight to the delivery room.
Oh, for the love of God!
Hi, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray.
I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Really? I've been dealing with Dr. Wells.
I know, but I'm a neurologist, and just to be on the safe side
Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview
of your status, so...he sent me.
Dr. Wells is a woman.
That was a test. Good response.
[clears throat] Alright, uh, full name?
Clifford Burnett.
Date of birth?
November 16th, 1968.
Age?
Can't you figure that out based on my date of birth?
I'm a doctor, Cliff, not a mathematician.
- I'm 33. - Okay.
- And, uh, are you married? - No.
Oh, really? So, 33 and single.
Would you say you have commitment issues?
Are all the questions this personal?
Yes.
Well, uh, if you must know, I'm a widower.
Oh, that's terrible. I'm-I'm really sorry.
- Yeah. - Mm.
Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
- No. - Excellent. Excellent.
And, uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff
you know, sexually?
[scoffs] Wha.. No.
Ooh, wrong answer.
[instrumental music]
- What else? What else? - Uh, well, he's 33.
- Um, uh-huh. - A widower.
- Oh. - He seemed like a stand-up guy.
Oh, and he's not into anything weird, sexually.
Enter Pheebs.
- This room's available. - Okay, okay.
Wait, you listen to me, you listen to me.
Since I have been waiting, four women, that's four
one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated
have come and gone with their babies!
I'm next. It's my turn! It's only fair!
And if you bring in one more woman and she has
her baby before me, I'm going to sue you.
Not this hospital, I'm gonna sue you.
And my husband, he is a lawyer.
Uh, Rach.
You get back on that case, honey!
I don't think the next patient is very far along.
Okay, well, then, bring her in.
Oh...my..
...God!
[instrumental music]
I...can't...believe this.
And yet somehow it's true.
I mean, this is so great. We're gonna be baby buddies.
[grating laugh]
Squeeze your legs together and cover the baby's ears.
- Hey, sweetie. - Hi. Hi, sweetheart.
This is my husband Sid. I don't think you've met him.
- Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. - Hi.
I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologist's office.
Thank God for adult acne, huh?
[grating laugh]
I still can't believe it.
I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Really?
- What'd he say? - You know what?
You have to speak very loudly when you're talking to Sid
'cause he's almost completely deaf.
- Oh, of course, he is. - Oh, there you go.
So, congratulations, you two.
I didn't even know you got married.
- Oh, we didn't. - No, no, we..
- What? - Oh, uh..
We're-we're just having this baby together
but, uh, uh, that's all, you know?
Why?
Uh, well, um..
...we're just not in that place, you know
but we're very excited about this.
Oh. Well, then shut me up.
Just tell me how.
Uh-oh. Oh, I feel another one coming.
[groaning]
[theme music]