[instrumental music]
Hey, what are you guys looking at?
Oh, it's a poster for that World War I movie that I'm in.
- Check it out. - Yeah?
Wow, it looks really violent.
Uh-huh. I know.
I'm "coming soon to a theater near you."
I'm "in THX." I'm "unsuitable for children."
Man, I cannot wait to see this.
Yeah, yeah, it's already generating Oscar buzz.
- I started that. - I thought I did.
Oh, hey, guess what?
I just talked to my agent
and the premiere is next week
and you're all invited.
- That's great. - Are we gonna take a limo?
Sure, why not?
I love taking limos when nobody died.
Well, obviously, I won't be able to come.
For those of you who haven't checked their calendars
today is my due date.
Well, you know, I just want to take a moment
and thank you guys for how great you've been
during this time.
I really couldn't have done it without you.
And I have loved these last nine months.
And even though I am so looking forward to the next part
I am really gonna miss being pregnant.
[instrumental music]
That's right, still no baby.
Come on, people, please make some room.
Uh, sweetie, maybe you'd be more comfortable here.
[sighs]
You..
Like you haven't done enough.
Look, I-I know how miserable you are.
I wish there was something I could do.
I mean, I wish I were a sea horse.
Because with sea horses
it's the male, they-they carry the babies.
And then also, um, I'd be far away in the sea.
[Chandler clears throat]
[grunting]
I have never been so uncomfortable
in my entire life.
Oh, I know, I've been there. I remember toward the end--
Oh, Phoebe, that's a great story.
Could you tell it to me while you're
getting me some iced tea?
[grunting]
Oh, God. Get out!
Get out, get out, get out!
[sighs]
Let's.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪
[instrumental music]
[grunts]
Hey, did you have the baby yet?
Do you want me to come over there and sit on you?
'Cause I'll do it.
What are you doing here so early?
They sent me home from work.
They were, like, "Start your maternity leave now.
Just rest. Get ready for the baby."
Well, you know what? Screw 'em.
They don't want me there, I'll just hang out with you guys.
Or you could do volunteer work.
[cell phone ringing]
- Hello? - 'Joey!'
It's Estelle. Great news.
I was able to get you and one guest tickets to your premiere.
One guest? You told me I could have six tickets.
Well, I sold four of 'em on eBay.
You'll be sitting next to HotGuy372.
Oh, my God. So that's it?
I only get to bring one guest?
Yeah. What time do you wanna pick me up?
Hello?
You hear that?
I only get one extra ticket to my premiere.
So somehow I have to pick between you three and Ross.
Uh, what-what about me?
Well, you said you didn't want to go.
I don't, but I would still like to be acknowledged.
What, just because I'm pregnant, I'm invisible?
You're definitely not "invisible."
Well, you know, Ross didn't care enough to be here
so I think he's out.
You know, you snooze, you lose.
He's not snoozing, he's teaching a class.
Well, then somebody's snoozing.
And, uh, Joey, not that this, uh, should affect you at all
but, um, if you were to pick me..
...I was planning on wearing a sequin dress..
...cut down to here.
- I haven't seen this dress. - Star in a movie.
Joey, you pick whoever you want, okay?
You just listen to your heart.
What does it tell you?
Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe.
Well, uh..
...I think I wanna take Chandler.
Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe..
[imitating flatline tone]
- You really want to take me? - Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, I'm sorry, I wish I could take everybody.
But...you know, Chandler's always supported my career.
He's paid for acting classes and head shots and stuff
and, well, this would be my way of paying you back.
So, you're never actually going to pay me back?
Hey, just because he paid for your head shots
you're gonna take him?
Joey, I don't think you're comprehending
just how slutty this dress is.
It's not just the stuff he paid for.
I mean, it's-it's, it's everything, you know?
He, he read lines with me.
He-he went with me on auditions when I was really nervous.
'And then he consoled me after I didn't get parts'
that I really wanted. You always believed in me, man.
Even-even when I didn't believe in myself.
I always knew you were gonna make it.
I'm so proud of you.
Thanks, that..
...that means a lot to me.
Mon, maybe one of these guys wants to wear your dress.
I'm gonna go shave. Ahem!
Yeah, well, I'm gonna go, uh, spit. Ahem.
[Rachel grunts]
Oh, I have to pee.
If I don't come out in five minutes
it's because I've choked to death
on the potpourri stink.
When she comes out, you hold her nose
I'll blow in her mouth, and the kid will just..
[smacks lips] ...right out of her.
She's over a week late.
She's got to have it today, right?
I don't know, I-I think
it's still gonna be a while.
Mmm. Care to make it interesting?
I bet you that she'll have it by this time tomorrow.
- You're on. - Okay, how much?
One hundred thousand dollars.
- How about 50 bucks? - Fine.
I'll call Zurich and move some money around.
(Rachel) 'Alright, whose turn is it'
'to help me get up?'
[clears throat]
No one's here!
Oh, damn it.
[instrumental music]
[crowd cheering]
This is so exciting.
So glamorous, people taking our picture.
How do I look?
- A little tall. - What?
Yeah, would you mind crouching down a little bit
so that I look taller?
There you go.
It's just so glamorous.
[instrumental music]
Oh, hey, M-Mon, Rach is here.
Uh..
And you're still pregnant.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I know how uncomfortable you are.
'You know what? You look great.'
- Oh. - Yeah, like 50 bucks.
Oh, I have to go pee.
Apparently, this baby thinks
that my bladder is a squeeze toy.
Oh, damn it. Damn it.
Here's your 50 bucks.
That's interesting that you lost.
Now, I forget, do you like to lose?
Alright, stop it.
Double or nothing that she has it by tomorrow.
- Fine. You're on. - Okay.
Until then, General Grant
why don't you set up camp...right there?
Hey, is Rachel here? We have a doctor's appointment.
She's in the bathroom.
- Rach, we got to go. - 'In a minute!'
People ask me why we're not together.
I just don't know what to tell them.
Alright, alright, let's go.
(Ross) 'Uh, do you wanna go change first?'
The doctor's keeping the office open late for us
but if you hurry..
- No, I'm fine. - Really?
You don't think that's a little inappropriate?
- What? - Good God, man, don't anger it.
Ross, it is one... hundred degrees outside.
For the first time in weeks, I am so uncomfortable--
(Ross) 'Fine, fine, you know what? Whatever you want.'
- Okay? You're the mommy. - Uh-uh-uh, pal.
Don't call me mommy.
It's bad enough you call your own mother that.
I'm actually with her on this one.
[instrumental music]
(Joey on screen) 'I thought I knew who the enemy was, but it was you all along..'
Okay, this is it, it's my big fight scene coming up.
(Joey on screen) 'Go ahead, try..'
'I'm fighting for every man in the 82nd Ground Division.'
[instrumental music]
[tapping fingers]
- Ross? - Yeah?
- Can I ask you something? - Uh-huh.
When Carol was pregnant with Ben..
(Ross) 'Mm-hmm.'
...were you this irritating?
- Wow. - Excuse me?
Uh, nothing, nothing, you just, uh..
...you've been a little... short with me lately.
I'm not trying to irritate you.
Well, then you just must have a natural talent for it.
You know what? Uh, the doctor will be in soon.
Why don't we not speak until then?
Okay.
[breathing loudly]
Seriously, breathe louder, Ross. That's great.
You know, we should probably ask the doctor
if she even knows how to deliver a baby
that's half human, half pure evil!
- Hi, Dr. Long. How are you? - 'Hi.'
- Oh, you're nice to her. - She has the drugs.
- We'll do a quick check. - Okay.
- So, eight days late, huh? - 'Yeah.'
You must be getting a little uncomfortable.
Yeah, just a tad.
Well, you're about 80% effaced, so you're on your way.
It still could last a little while longer.
If you're anxious, there are a few ways to help things along.
Do them!
Actually they are things that you can do.
Just some home remedies.
But in my experience, I've found that
some of them are very effective.
Well, we are ready to try anything.
Okay, there's an herbal tea you can drink.
- Okay. - You can take some castor oil.
- There's eating spicy foods. - Great.
We will do all of those.
- Taking a long walk. - Good. Done.
And there's the one that's proved most effective.
Sex.
You've got to be kiddingme!
[instrumental music]
[all applauding]
Good job, Joe. Well done. Top-notch!
You liked it? You really liked it?
Oh-ho-ho, yeah!
Well, which part exactly?
The whole thing! Can't we go?
Oh, no, no, no. Hold it. Give me some specifics.
I loved the specifics.
The specifics were the best part!
Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo?
Did you, did you like that part?
I was surprised to see a kangaroo..
...in a World War I epic.
You fell asleep!
There was no kangaroo!
They didn't take any of my suggestions!
Thanks a lot for coming, buddy.
- See you later. - Don't go. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. Look! This guy fell asleep!
He fell asleep too! Be mad at him!
Or...call an ambulance.
[instrumental music]
Hey.
- Hey. - Hi.
What did the doctor say?
Any news on when the baby's gonna come?
No, but she did give us some ideas
on how to induce labor.
Yeah. We tried them all. We went for a walk.
Uh, we tried special tea
castor oil, spicy food. Nothing has worked.
Well, there is one thing that we didn't try
but someone thinks that that will open up a can of worms.
Well, what is it? What is it?
If it's gonna help bring the baby here
like, today, I mean, I think you should do it.
It's sex.
- Do it! - Monica..
I'm just saying it's been a really long time for you.
I mean, women have needs.
Do it. Get yours.
Oh, I-I don't, I don't know about that.
No, I think if the two of you had sex
the-the-the repercussions would be catastrophic.
Alright, let's be practical.
If Ross isn't willing to do it
I mean, he's not the only guy in the world
you can have sex with.
You could borrow Chandler. Chandler is good.
Monica, what is the matter with you?
Nothing. I just want the baby to be born today.
Why? Why today?
Okay, fine.
I keep betting Phoebe that you're gonna have the baby
and I don't wanna lose again.
What?
While she's been going through this hell
you've been making money?
You're betting on your friend staying in this misery?
I'll take that bet.
- What? - Well, I'm miserable here.
I may as well make some money out of it.
Can I get some of that action?
Wait a minute, now I'm betting against all three of you?
Oh, honey, don't worry, I really do feel
like tomorrow it's gonna happen.
Oh, okay.
[no audio]
[instrumental music]
[door opens]
Hey.
Sleeping Beauty.
Where have you been? I tried to call you.
I wanna talk to you. I still feel so bad.
[baby talk] Oh, no. Were you upset? Did you lose sleep?
- I'm so sorry. - Look.
The only reason I came over here
is to settle things between us, okay?
You've done a lot for me and my career.
I wanted to pay you back by taking you to the premiere
but you missed it!
Okay, so, how much do I owe ya?
- What? - Give me a number.
I don't want to owe you anything.
You don't owe me anything.
- I don't want your-- - Ah-ah-ah! We're doing this.
Okay, now you got me my first set of head shots, right?
How much were those?
I don't know. Uh, $500.
Okay, $500. What else?
Well, then there was the second set
the infamous... booger head shots.
Okay, so that's another 500.
That's 500 and 500. That's..
- You want a calculator? - Please.
Here.
Oh. Okay. Alright, what else?
Well, uh, there's acting classes
stage combat classes... tap classes..
Which we're still keeping under our hats.
Uh, then there was that dialect coach
who helped you with the play
where you needed a Southern accent.
Which, after 20 hours of lessons
still came out Jamaican.
What the hell are you talking about?
[Jamaican accent] "The South will rise again, man."
Yes. Money well spent.
- Okay, what else? Rent. - Okay.
Uh, two, three years of rent, utilities, food.
Okay, okay.
So I'm writing you a check for..
So you fell asleep during my movie.
Big deal, right?
How do you clear this thing?
[instrumental music]
Come on. Finish your enchilada.
[sighs] Ross, I've, we've tried
all the spicy food.
It's not working.
Okay, here. Have one of these peppers.
[gasps] Oh-oh ha-ha!
Oh, God. So, so hot.
Oh, my God..
By the way, you don't want to touch the pepper
and then touch your eye.
I am feeling nothing.
Oh...oh..
[groaning]
Speaking of hot, watching you do that
really makes me want to have sex with you.
- Stop it. - Oh, come on, Ross.
Why are we wasting our time with all this other stuff?
We know it's gonna work. It's doctor-recommended!
I'm sorry, but we have to have some boundaries.
- Ugh! - My God, I'm dying.
Oh, come on, Ross!
I mean, we've done it before, we'll do it again.
It'll be a nice way to bookend the pregnancy.
This is insane, I'm not gonna make love to you
just so you'll go into labor.
"Make love?" What are you, a girl?
Always a great way to get into a man's pants.
What? You-you will be performing a service, okay?
Just, just think of me as, like, a ketchup bottle.
You know, sometimes you have to bang on the end of it
just to get something to come out.
I love when you talk dirty to me.
Ugh. I know it. You're right.
That's not sexy.
Oh...oh..
Whoops. Oh, I seemed to have dropped my fork.
Let me just bend over and get it.
[groaning] Oh, God! Oh..
Okay, enough. This is, this is not going to happen.
Oh, come on, Ross. I'm miserable here.
Come on, you started this. Now you finish it!
Come on, wuss. "Make love" to me.
- You know what? - What?
Forget it.
Oh, well, what now, Ross? You're not gonna talk?
How on Earth will you ever annoy me?
Oh, wait a minute. I know.
[snoring]
I mean, you'd think the damn jalapeno
would have cleared up your sinuses, but no!
That's not enough.. What are you doing?
I'm getting that baby out of you!
- Oh, God! - Oh, I know..
Oh, no, no.
I think my water just broke.
I am good!
Okay, okay, uh..
- Okay. - Okay, I got the pillow.
Uh, I got the bag. You got the keys?
- I got the keys. - Okay.
- Okay. Okay. - Come on. Come on.
[chuckling]
- Hey.. - Yeah?
We're having a baby.
I didn't, uh, really have time to read
this part of the books, but do you think
do you think we have time?
- Not so much. - Okay, let's go.
[instrumental music]
- Two hundred. - Thank you.
That's it. I'm done.
I don't care when the baby comes, no more betting.
Okay.
[telephone ringing]
Hello?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Okay.
I guess we could bet one more time.
- Is Rachel having the baby? - How did you know that?
Joey! Chandler! It's time!
Well, they-they're at the coffeehouse.
You know everything!
Oh, wait, double or nothing.
I bet you the baby is over seven pounds.
I bet you it has hair!
- I bet you it's a girl. - We know it's a girl.
I'll give you really good odds.
[theme music]