[instrumental music]
- Hi. - Hey.
So, what's the final head count on my baby shower?
About twenty, a couple people from work
who had something else to do.
Also, both of your sisters called
and neither can make it.
What?
You mean they're not coming
to a social event where there's
no men and no booze?
That's shocking!
Well, I don't care. As long as my mom's here.
Oh, my God. Your mother.
What, my mom is not gonna be here?
Well, given that we forgot to invite her
it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.
- Oh, my God! - Well, it-it wasn't my fault.
Phoebe was in charge of the invitations.
Well, I don't, I don't have a mother
so often I forget that--
Oh, give it a rest.
So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?
No.
Neither is mine.
Hey, you know what?
Don't worry, okay? We'll take care of it.
We'll call her. You just go home and get ready.
Please, make sure she comes. It's really important to me.
- I mean, that's my mom. - I know, I know.
- What's her number? - I don't know.
Go. I have it in my book.
Go.
[door closes]
Wait a minute, if you're in charge of the invitations
why am I the one who has to call her?
Hello, Mrs. Green.
Hi. Uh, it's Monica Geller.
Oh, hello, Monica.
Hi, um, I know this is last minute
but we-we've decided to throw an impromptu
uh, baby shower for Rachel today.
I know.
My daughters told me about it
when they received their
impromptu invitations
a month ago.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm, I'm so sorry.
For what, dear? For not inviting me, or for lying about it?
Oh, my God, my ass is sweating.
Please, please...can you come? It's-it's today at four.
Well, alright. I'll see you at four.
Thank you.
Isn't it at three?
Son of a bitch!
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, Joe, want to shoot some hoops?
Oh, I can't go. I'm practicing.
I got an audition to be the host of a new game show.
- Oh, cool! - That's great.
Yeah, yeah, and if I get it..
by day, I'll be Dr. Drake Ramoray
but by night, I'll be Joey Tr-r-ribbiani!
Wait, you'll be perfect for this.
That's already your name.
But the audition's in a couple of hours
and I don't even understand the game.
Well, do you want some help?
Oh, really? That'd be great.
Hey, you guys can be the contestants.
Awesome.
Okay, I guess we can lose to junior high girls
some other time.
Alright, let's play Bamboozled!
- "Bamboozled?" - Yeah.
Isn't that a cool name?
- Yeah. - No.
Alright.
Uh, okay.
Our first contestant is Ross Geller.
Why don't you tell us a little bit
about yourself, Ross?
Well, uh, I-I'm a paleontologist.
Um, I-I live in New York.
I have a son, Ben.
Uh, hi, Ben. And, uh..
I said a little bit, Ross.
Now, how about you, Chandler?
Well, Joey, I'm a headhunter.
I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists
with rogue Third World nations.
Hi, Rasputin.
Excellent. Let's play Bamboozled.
Chandler, you'll go first.
"What is the capital of Colombia?"
Bogota.
It's "Bogota," but close enough.
Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross
or pick a wicked wango card.
What does a wicked wango card do?
I should know that.
Let's see, just one moment, please.
Um...here we are.
"A wicked wango card
determines whether you go higher or lower."
Higher or lower than what?
This is embarrassing.
Can you believe how lame this is?
I'm sorry, I don't believe contestants
are allowed to talk to each other.
[instrumental music]
Oh, I told the stripper to be here at five.
That's good, right?
You ordered a stripper for the shower?
That is totally inappropriate.
Why? He's gonna be dressed as a baby.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Green. I'm so glad you could make it.
Yes, thank you so much.
And again, we're so sorry.
We could not feel worse about it.
Try.
Oh, there's my little girl.
- She's still mad. - Yeah, I know.
Isn't it great, one less person
we have to make small talk with?
Phoebe, Sandra's mad at you too.
It-it doesn't bother you?
No, look, we've apologized twice
and I can't do any more than that.
I know you hate it when people are mad at you
but, you know, you just have to...be okay with it.
Okay. I can do that.
[chuckles]
I got to go powder my ass.
Look at that face.
Just like when you were in high school.
If I didn't know better, I'd say
you were a cheerleader in trouble.
[both chuckling]
Come on, let's get some tea.
Ooh, my, look at that.
Only three weeks to go.
Now, have you picked your nanny yet?
Now, I don't want you to just use your housekeeper
'cause it'll just split her focus.
Oh, well, actually, I'm not gonna use a nanny
and, uh, I don't even have a housekeeper.
It's like you're a cave person.
Rachel, you must get a nanny.
You don't know how overwhelming this is gonna be.
I mean, when you were a baby
I had full-time help, I had Mrs. Kaye.
Mrs. Kaye. Oh, she was sweet.
She taught me Spanish.
I actually think I remember some of it.
Tu madre es loca.
- Such a sweet woman. - Yeah.
Well, however great she was, I just can't afford that.
Oh, Rachel!
- What? - I just had the greatest idea.
I'm gonna come live with you.
W-w-what? What?
Oh, I'm so happy I'm gonna do this for my little girl.
Oh, look at you.
You have tears in your eyes.
Yes, yes, I do.
[instrumental music]
Alright, Ross, you're in the lead.
Would you like to take another question
or spin the wheel of mayhem?
The wheel has not been my friend tonight, Joey.
Uh...I'll take another question.
Okay. This is gonna be tough.
- Hold your breath. - It's okay, I'm ready.
No, dude, you got to hold your breath
till you're ready to answer the question.
- It's part of the game. - This is ridiculous.
He's not gonna hold his..
[inhales deeply]
Okay.
"What do you have a fear of
"if you suffer from this phobia?
Tris...ka.."
Holy cow, that's a big word.
"Trisk.."
Seriously, look at this thing.
Chandler, how do you say that?
- Let me see that. - This one right here.
[mumbles]
"Triskaidekaphobia."
[gasps] Fear of Triscuits!
No, no.
Fear of the number 13.
- Fear of Triscuits? - It's possible.
They have really sharp edges.
Alright, Chandler, you're up.
Wait a minute, I-I believe I'm entitled
to use my angel pass for a free turn.
This game makes no sense!
You know, you're just upset 'cause you're losing.
Oh, come on, Ross. I think we're all losers here.
Alright, Chandler
you can either spin the wheel
or pick a Google card.
Let me think, let me think.
Oh, uh, I don't care.
[scoffs]
You-you must choose, Mr. Bing.
Either. It makes no difference.
Choose, you jackass.
- I'll take a card. - Okay.
You picked the gimme card!
You get all of Ross' points.
What?
This game is kind of fun.
You don't think it's a little crazy
that you get all my points just 'cause--
I don't think the contestants
are supposed to speak to each other.
[instrumental music]
- Why did you invite my mother? - What?
She wants to move in with me and Ross
to help take care of the baby.
- For how long? - Eight weeks.
I mean, I love my mother, but, my God
a long lunch with her is taxing.
I personally would be honored
if she wanted to live with me.
She can't hear you.
What? You guys, come on, what am I gonna do?
Well, if you don't want your mother to move in with you
just tell her.
You're right. You're right.
I mean, I'm about to have a baby.
I can tell my mother that I don't want her
to be sleeping on my couch.
Oh, my God, she's gonna want to sleep in my bed with me.
This cannot happen.
That's right. That is right.
You go over there and tell her you do not
want her to live with you.
Do not take no for an answer.
Okay.
This is great. Now she's gonna be mad at Rachel.
You know what, and I'm just gonna swoop in there
and be like the daughter she never had.
I have no respect for Chandler.
Alright, everybody, it's time to open the presents!
Yes, yes, and I think
that the first gift that Rachel opens
should be from the grandmother of the baby.
Because you're the most important person in this room.
And in the world!
Well, uh, I don't have a gift
because I wasn't invited until the last minute
but thank you so much, dear
for bringing that to everybody's attention.
How about you less important people?
Let's open your presents!
Hey, mom, that's okay
that you didn't get me a gift.
Well, I kind of did. Me.
Eight weeks of me.
Yeah, okay, see, mom
the truth is, I can do this on my own.
Sweetheart, I know you're gonna be a terrific mom.
I just think you need a little help
especially at the beginning.
But, mom, I really know what I'm doing.
- I can handle this. - Really? Remember Twinkles?
He was a hamster! I'm not gonna vacuum up my baby!
Okay, come on, Rach.
It's present time.
You know, you're the glue
holding this whole party together.
It's kind of falling apart here.
- Ooh, look. - Wow.
This is from your friends at work.
Ooh. My gosh!
Oh, wow!
Oh, I know what this is.
Wait a minute.
That can't be right.
Is that a beer bong for a baby?
Darling, that's a breast pump.
[chuckles]
Did I say I was done guessing?
Okay, thank you for that.
Oh, wow.
- What's this? - It's a Diaper Genie.
Oh, it dispenses clean diapers.
No, it's where you put the dirty ones.
Well, that's gross.
Why don't you just take it outside
and throw it in a dumpster?
Oh, you're gonna do that ten times a day?
What, it goes ten times a day?
What are we feeding this baby, Indian food?
No, dear, that's what babies do.
Rachel, listen to your mother.
She is very smart.
Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby
while you're trotting out to the garbage ten times a day?
I don't know. Leave it on the changing table?
[all gasp]
What? What did I do? What did I do?
You can't leave a baby alone.
[babbling]
Of course. I know that.
I mean, of course, you never
leave a baby alone.
I mean, she wouldn't, she wouldn't be safe.
You know, not as safe as she would be with me
the baby dummy. Ooh, God.
Okay, you know what?
Opening the presents is a little overwhelming right now
so I think, um, I'm just gonna maybe
open them all a little bit later, but thank you all
for coming and for these beautiful gifts
and this basket is beautiful.
It's actually a bassinet.
Okay, mommy, don't ever leave me.
[instrumental music]
"In what John Huston film would you hear this line?
Badges? We don't need no stinking badges."
"Treasure Of The Sierra Madre!"
Correct. There's a possible backwards bonus.
Madre Sierra The Of Treasure!
Yes!
I'd like to go up the ladder of chance
to the golden mud hut, please.
- Wise choice. How many rungs? - Six!
[imitating a monkey]
That noise can only mean one thing.
- Hungry monkey. - Hungry monkey! Ha!
I'd like a wicked wango card.
Okay.
It's an audio question.
"Name this television theme song."
[humming]
Oh..
Oh! Oh, my God.
Okay, I know this. Give me, give me a second.
- Tell it to the time turtle! - Shut up!
- "I Dream Of Jeannie!" - Yes!
Yes! You're back in the lead.
I'd like to spin the wheel.
Rat-tat-tat-tat
tat-tat-tat
tat...tat..
...tat...tat--
- Oh, come on! - Oh, come on!
Uh, super-speedy speed round.
- Is there a hopping bonus? - Of course.
"Who invented bifocals?"
- Ben Franklin. - Correct.
"Which monarch has ruled
Great Britain the longest?"
- Queen Victoria. - Correct again.
But you forgot to switch legs between questions!
- So no hopping bonus. - Oh! Every time!
Yeah. Now...over to Chandler.
I'd like a Google card!
- Are you sure? - Yes!
No!
Google!
Oh, my God. Congratulations, Ross.
Because, Chandler, you've been Bamboozled!
- No! - Yes!
This is the best game ever!
So, um, you're gonna stay with me as long as I need you?
- Of course, I am. - Oh, mom, I swear.
I'm not an idiot, I read all kinds of books
on pregnancy and giving birth
but I-I just didn't think to read the part
about what to do when the baby comes.
And-and, guess what, the baby's coming
and I don't know what to do.
Oh, could I throw up in my Diaper Genie?
[laughing] Oh, sweetie..
...you're gonna be fine.
Wait-wait, where you going? Where you going?
- I'm going to the bathroom. - Oh, okay.
N-now, don't worry.
Everything's gonna be okay.
It is gonna be okay.
Worth a shot.
- Hey. - Hey.
Why are you all red and sweaty?
I just Bamboozled Chandler.
Which is not a sexual thing.
- That was a quick shower. - Not if you were here.
Wow, looks like we got a lot of good stuff.
Oh, we did, but my mom got us the greatest gift of all.
A Play-Doh barber shop?
No.
She's going to live with us for eight weeks.
- Wh...what? - Yes.
She's gonna help us take care of the baby. Whoo.
You-you're not serious.
I mean, she's a very nice woman
but there's no way we can take eight weeks of her.
She'll drive us totally crazy--
- Hi, Ross. - Hey, roomie!
[instrumental music]
Hey, Joey, hi. I'm Ray.
I'm the producer of the show.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Ray.
And this is Duncan and Erin, they're gonna help us out
with the audition. So let's get the camera rolling.
Righty-O, Ray.
Whenever you're ready.
Hello, I'm Joey Tribbiani.
Let's play Bamboozled!
Erin, you get the first question.
"In hockey, who is known as The Great One?"
- Wayne Gretzky. - 'Correct.'
Now, would you like to pick
a wicked wango card
or spin the wheel of mayhem?
Uh, Joey, didn't your agents give you the revised rules?
We've eliminated all that.
'No wheel, no cards.'
Well, why?
Uh, well, the game was too complicated
and research showed people didn't follow it.
Well, what's complicated?
You spin the wheel of mayhem to go up the ladder of chance
you go past the mud hut through the rainbow ring
to get to the golden monkey, you yank his tail
and boom, you're in paradise pond!
Yeah. All that's gone.
Um, it's basically just a simple question-and-answer game now.
Well, what's fun about that?
You expect me to be the host of a boring game
that's just people standing around answering questions?
Well, there'll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.
Let's play Bamboozled!
And all those dinosaur knickknacks you have.
Ross, I-I thought there might be more at home in the garage.
Well, we don't, we don't have a garage.
Did I say garage? I meant garbage.
You know what, Mrs. Green, maybe it's not absolutely vital
that you live with us.
But Rachel needs help with the baby.
I do, I really do.
- I-I don't know anything. - 'Oh.'
I'm-I'm sure that's not true.
Oh, no? Pheebs, Monica.
Do I know anything about babies?
- Nope, not a thing. - Mm-mm. It's frightening.
Well, um, you know what, ev-even if she
doesn't know anything, I do.
I have a son, and his mother and I didn't live together
and whenever he was with me
I took care of him all the time, by myself.
That's true.
- You do have another child. - Yeah.
With another woman.
Have you no control, Ross?
That's a different issue.
Um, the point is, when the baby comes
I will be there to, to feed her
and bathe her and change her
and more than that, I want to do all those things.
Well, then you really don't need me to live with you.
Yes!
Yes, you're gonna be so missed.
You're gonna be a great father.
Well, you're gonna be a wonderful grandma.
- Aw. - Muah!
Hello?
I still don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Oh, come on, every first-time mother feels that way.
You'll-you'll, you're gonna pick it up.
Hey, you will. Look.
You know when you first came to the city
you were this spoiled, helpless little girl
who-who still used daddy's credit cards, remember?
I hope you're going somewhere with this.
Look at you, would you? You-you're this big executive.
You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for.
I-I have no doubt you're gonna be an incredible mother.
Really?
I'm telling you.
Thank you.
Alright, you two, I'm gonna get going.
Oh, no, no, sweetheart. You stay put.
I'll let myself out. It's like I'm not here.
Which I almost wasn't.
[laughing]
It's just so funny. It's so funny. Ha ha.
- What do I do? - Nothing.
You have apologized to her, like, a million times
and she's been nothing but terrible to you.
And don't forget, you just threw her daughter
a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower.
And she hasn't even thanked you for it.
You know what, y-you're right.
Yeah, I mean, if you wanna say anything to her
I'd tell her off!
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Okay, I will.
Mrs. Green.
It is rude to leave a party
without saying goodbye to the host.
Yeah, an-and also, when someone apologizes to you
the decent thing to do is to accept it.
'Cause what I did to you, i-it wasn't on purpose!
But what you're doing to me now
it's just, it's just plain spiteful!
- "Spiteful?" - 'That's right!'
Maybe it's time you took a good hard look
in the mirror, young lady!
Old lady.
Lady.
Wrap it up, wrap it up, wrap it up.
So, whenever you're ready to apologize to me
I will forgive you. Good day!
I can't feel my legs.
But you were fantastic. I'm so proud of you.
Yeah? I'm proud of me too.
You should be.
Yeah, c-c-could you get me something to drink?
- You got it! - Okay.
Mrs. Green! Okay, I'm really sorry! I apologize!
If you.. Whoa!
[thud]
(Monica) 'Okay, I bit my tongue!'
[lisping] 'But I'm thill really thorry!'
[instrumental music]
Okay, I'm ready.
- You sure? - Yes.
I've done my studying
and I really know my stuff.
Alright, then.
Rachel Green, let's play Bamboozled!
"How do you test the temperature of the baby's bath water?"
- Uh, put your elbow in it. - 'Excellent.'
"How do you put a baby down for a nap?"
Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.
'That's correct.'
This is an audio question.
"What do you do when the baby makes this sound?"
[imitates baby crying]
Check if it's wet, check if it's hungry, burp it.
Excellent! Excellent!
Now, now, do you want another question
or a wicked wango card?
A card, a card, I pick a card.
"Oh, I'm sorry. You've been Bamboozled!
You're gonna be a terrible mother."
I've lost sight of why we're doing this.
[theme music]