- Hi. - Hey.
So, I'm in my apartment doing
the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle
and guess who is the clue for three down?
Hmm, "three, down
"Days Of Our Lives" star blank Tribbiani."
That's me! I'm blank!
- 'Hey.' - How cool is this?
We know three down.
I'm touching three down.
Yeah, you are, baby.
Three down knows I'm married.
- What's three down doin'? - Sorry.
So did they call you to tell you your name's gonna be in this?
No. They really like me over there, though.
They wanted to do a big profile on me, but I said, no.
Why'd you say no?
Remember what happened the last time
I did an interview for them?
I said, I write a lot of my own lines
and then the writers got mad
and made my character fall down the elevator shaft?
So, who knows what I might say this time.
If only there was somethin' in your head
to control the things you say.
Oh, come on, Joey
you will totally keep it in check this time.
And plus, you know, the publicity
would be really good for your career.
And you deserve that.
And if you do the interview, you could mention
oh, I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green?
Is that "gal pal" spelled L-O-S-E-R?
Okay, don't listen to him. Please?
Fine, alright, I'll do it.
But hey, you guys, have to be at the next table
so you can stop me if I..
You know, start to say somethin' stupid.
Just then, or-or all the time?
'Cause we-we have jobs, you know?
Come on, we will be there for you the whole time.
Just remember, gal pal Rachel Green.
[giggles] I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest!
And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle.
- Seriously, proud of you. - Yeah.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.
Oh, not at all, happy to do it.
[chuckles]
Do you think we're being obvious?
No, we're just four people
with neck problems who talk like this.
I think it's great that you wanted to meet here.
You know, when most people hear that the magazine
is paying for it they want to go to
a big, fancy restaurant.
[both chuckling]
Actually, I didn't know the magazine was paying.
Uh, wouldn't have mattered.
I'm doin' this for the fans, not for the free food.
Can I get you anything?
Um, I'll have a cup of coffee.
And, uh, I'll have all the muffins.
- Hey. - Shh.
We're not talking.
Oh, finally.
[sighs]
So, according to your bio
you've done quite a bit of work before "Days Of Our Lives."
Anything that you're particularly proud of?
♪ All you want is a dinkle ♪
♪ What you envy's a scwhang ♪
♪ A thing through which you can tinkle ♪
♪ Or play with or simply let hang ♪
[piano music]
Folks, this ever happen to you?
You go to the refrigerator to get a nice
glass of milk but these darn cartons
are so flingin', flangin' hard to open!
Well, you said it, Mike. I don't..
Ah. Ah. Oh
There's got to be a better way.
And there is, Kevin.
This is his first time. He's never used this product before.
You gonna see how easy this is to do. Go ahead.
This works in any milk carton.
Oh, it is easy.
Now I can have milk, every day.
[crowd murmuring]
So, this is it, Victor?
Yeah, I guess it is.
And so..
...I'm gonna get on this spaceship..
[instrumental music]
And I'm gonna go to Blargon Seven
in search of alternative fuels.
But when I return, 200 years from now
you'll be long gone.
But I won't have aged at all.
So you tell your great, great granddaughter
to look me up.
Because Adrian...baby.
I'm gonna wanna meet her.
[instrumental music]
Shh-shh. Okay, here I come, here I come.
See, I'm comin' to fix the copier.
I can't get to the copier, I'm thinking
"What do I do, what do I do?"
So I just watch 'em have sex.
And then I say.. Wait, here's my line.
(Joey on TV) 'You know, that's bad for the paper tray.'
- Nice work, my friend. - Thank you.
Wait, wait, wait, you see me again.
Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me.
There I am. There I am. There I am.
Oh, well, there's so many things
it's hard to pick just one.
I'm gonna get some coffee.
Does anyone want anything?
Oh, yeah, I'd actually, I'd love
a blueberry muffin, and a chamomile tea.
Uh, double latte, extra foam.
And a bagel with only a--
I was just being polite.
Okay, how about when you're not workin'?
What do you do in your spare time?
[foghorn blowing]
Look at this clown.
Just 'cause he got a bigger boat he thinks
he can take up the whole river.
Get out of the way, jackass!
Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?
That is the Coast Guard.
What are they doin' out here?
The coast is all the way over there.
- Hi. - Hey, check it out.
This is unbelievable.
Joey has been holding his breath
for almost four minutes.
Dude, what.. You trying to kill me?
Well, I see you've had a very productive day.
Don't you think the cowboy hat's a little much?
Come on, it's fun.
Alright.
Is this a woman's hat?
Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea.
- You know what? - 'Huh?'
We have to turn off the porn.
I think you're right.
Alright, ready?
- One. - Two.
- Three. - Three.
That's kind of nice.
- Yeah, it's kind of a relief. - Yeah.
[sighs]
You wanna see if we still have it?
Yeah.
- Free porn! We have free porn! - Yeah! Yes! Yes!
In my spare time, I, uh, read to the blind.
And I'm also a mento for kids.
A mento?
Yeah, you know, a mento, a role model.
- A men-to? - Right.
- Like the candy? - As a matter of fact, I do.
Well, um, another thing that
our readers always wanna know
is how soap stars stay in such great shape.
Do you have some kind of a fitness regime?
Uh, we stars usually just try to eat right
and get lots of exercise.
Wow, you realize we've been throwing this ball
without dropping it for like, an hour?
Are you serious?
Yeah, I realized it a half hour ago
but I didn't want to say anything 'cause
I didn't want to jinx it.
Wow, we are pretty good at this.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Hey, we totally forgot about lunch.
[chuckles] I think, that's the first-time I've ever missed a meal.
I think, my pants are a little loose.
What's wrong with you?
Well, I got-I got this blinding pain in my stomach
when I was liftin' weights before
and then I, uh, passed out.
And, uh, haven't been able to stand up since.
[chuckles] But, uh, I don't think it's anything serious.
This sounds like a hernia. You have to..
- You-you go to the doctor. - No way!
Hey, look, if I'm gonna go to the doctor
for anything, it's gonna be
for this thing stickin' out of my stomach!
Eww.
Why did I have to start workin' out again?
Damn you fifteens!
- What is it? - It's a trifle.
It's got all of these layers.
First, there's a layer of ladyfingers
then a layer of jam.
Then custard, which I made from scratch.
Then raspberries, more ladyfingers
then beef sauteed with peas and onions..
...more custard.
It tastes like feet.
I like it.
Are you kidding?
What's not to like? Custard? Good.
Jam? Good. Meat? Good.
Well, you...you don't look good, Joe.
Well, the fridge broke, so I had to eat everythin'.
Cold cuts, ice cream, limes.
Hey, what was in that brown jar?
- That's still in there? - Not anymore.
Oh. Hey, look. There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it.
- Stick to your side. - Come on, now.
Alright, what are we havin'?
Uh, I don't believe in these crazy diets, you know?
Just everything in moderation.
- Your muffins. - Uh..
I'll take those to go.
For the kids.
[chuckles]
Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you.
You were on the show years ago
and then they killed you off.
- What happened there? - Oh, it's so stupid.
I said some stuff in an interview
that I really shouldn't have said.
But believe me, that is not gonna happen today.
[chuckling] 'Understood.'
- 'Alright.' - So, what'd you say back then?
Oh, I said that I..
[all shouting]
- Hey, man, what's up? - What's happenin'?
You guys, this is Shelly.
She's interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest.
Uh, Shelly, these are my friends.
Hi. I'm gal pal Rachel Green.
Um, and, uh, if you want the dirt
I'm the one you come to.
This might be Joey's baby. Who knows?
[chuckling] I'm just kidding.
Seriously, gal pal Rachel Green.
Who just lost the respect of her unborn child.
Um, I'm gonna just go get this warmed up.
Okay.
Joey, you're doin' great.
Yeah, so far, nothing stupid.
- Mento? - No, thanks.
So, as Joey's friends
is there anything that you guys think our readers ought to know?
Uh, no, just, just that he is a great guy.
Yeah. That's gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest.
Well, I, well, oh..
I would just like to say that Joey truly has enriched
the days of our lives.
Um, I, I just think that you don't expect
someone so hot to be so sweet.
(Shelly) Ooh. I like that.
Oh. What's your name?
Um, Phoebe Buffay.
How do you spell that? So we can get it right.
Oh, okay, it's, um, P as in Phoebe
H as in Heebee, O as in Obee
E as in Eebee, B as in Beebee
and E as in 'ello, there, mate.
[Shelly chuckles] 'Great.'
Well, it was nice meeting all of you.
- Yeah, you, too. - You, too.
- Thanks, you guys. Thanks. - Bye.
So it seems like you have a lot of friends.
Who would you say is your best friend?
[instrumental music]
How come you have two?
Well, this one's for you.
- Get out. - No, I can't.
No, no, listen I know, how much this means to you
and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry.
It's about you and me and the fact
that we're best buds.
Wow.
Is this friendship? I think so.
Check it out. We're bracelet buddies.
That's what they'll call us.
Oh! Jo-Joey..
- I'm sorry. - Oh, it's alright.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, no, but look.
Ah, that's gonna leave a stain.
Rach, hey, it's fine. You're at Joey's.
- Really? - Yeah, look.
- Huh. - Yeah.
I've never lived like this before.
- I know. - Ooh.
Whoo!
Alright, well, don't waste it. I mean, it's still food, jeez.
I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this
because I wanna be a good friend and damn it
I am a good friend so just-just shut up and close your eyes.
Yeah, uh..
Wow.
You are a good friend.
Of course, the audition was this morning
and I didn't get it.
But that was a hell of a kiss.
Rachel is a very lucky girl.
Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths.
And, they're off.
Whoa.
Get your foot off my contestant.
- Judge. - Judge rules...no violation.
Oh.
And the duck gets a Nutter Butter!
No! Oh, hey, that's not a Nutter Butter.
That's just an old wanton.
Well, judge rules..
Nutter Butter.
Oh. Tough call.
Yeah.
I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Wait a minute. I saw that on the Discovery Channel.
Yeah, about jellyfish, and how if you..
Eww!
You peed on yourself?
- Eww! - Eww!
You can't say that. You-you don't know!
I mean, I thought, I was gonna pass out from the pain.
Anyway, I-I, I tried
I, but I-I couldn't, bend that way.
So?
- Eww! - Eww!
That's right, I stepped up.
She's my friend, and she needed help.
If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you.
Um, nope. No best friend, no.
Just, uh, a lot of close friends, yeah.
So, um, now back to the show.
How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base?
Really? Me?
Wow. I don't even know any huge gay people.
It hurts me. It physically hurts me.
Now, off the record you're not..?
What? Are you referrin' to my man's bag?
At first, I thought it just looked good
but it's practical, too.
Check it out.
It's got compartments for all your stuff.
Your wallet, your keys, your address book..
Your makeup.
Now, now, now, should I climb down your front
so we're face-to-face
or-or should I climb down your back
so we're-we're...butt-to-face?
Alright, face-to-face. I like face-to-face, yeah.
- Okay, here I come. - Alright.
Oh, my.. How much do you weigh, Ross?
I prefer not to answer that right now.
I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.
[grunts]
- Oh. - Huh.
Oh..
You know, when we talked about face-to-face
I don't think we thought it all the way through.
- Hey, Pheebs. - Hey.
Check it out.
Huh?
How much of a man am I?
Wow. Nice.
Manly, and also kind of a slut.
You're turning into a woman.
No, I'm not.
Why would you say that? That's just mean.
Now I've upset you? What did I say?
Not what you said, it's just the way you said it.
Oh, my God!
I'm a woman!
[sniffles]
Mmm. Great nap.
It really was.
[chuckles]
[clears throat]
Uh, me? Gay? No. No. No.
Uh, but I have a number of close friends who are.
So, then let's talk about women.
I'm sure our female readers will be interested
to know about your romantic life.
Oh, oh, well, what I do is, uh, I look a woman up and down
and I say, "Hey, how you doin'?"
Oh, please.
Hey, how you doin'?
He has the most amazing Porsche under there.
I'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in.
She's sleeping.
Hey, uh, would you two girls like to go for a drink?
[sighs] Is Rachel here? I'm her sister.
- Oh, my God! Jill! - Oh, my God! Rachel!
Oh!
Oh, my God! Introduce us.
- Well, this is Chandler. - Hi.
And you know Monica and Ross.
And that's Phoebe. And that's Joey.
- Hey, how you doin'? - Don't!
You're a really nice guy
and I'm happy to be your roommate
and your friend
I'm just, you know, I just..
...don't feel that way about you.
Oh. I see what happened.
[chuckles] It's because, I was tryin' to repel you. Right?
Believe me, you'd feel a lot different
if I turned it on.
- I don't think so. - Oh, I do.
How you doin'?
I'm okay.
What? Oh, dear God!
Well, not much to tell there.
I'm...really shy.
So, that's it. I guess that's all I need.
- Oh. - Thank you, so much.
I think they will be running this
in the beginning of next month.
Oh, great. Great.
- Thank you. - Bye.
Buh-bye.
- I did it. - Amazing.
- 'Yeah.' - 'Amazing.'
Oh, wait. I almost forgot.
We have to ask everybody this.
Other than "Days Of Our Lives"
what's your favorite Soap Opera?
Oh. I don't watch Soap Operas.
Excuse me, I have a life.
[chuckling] You know?
Thank you.
The readers at Soap Opera Digest
will be happy to learn that.
Oh, good to know.
So close.
Wow, I can't believe they didn't put in the part
where you said you didn't watch Soap Operas.
Yeah, I called the lady about that.
I told her I was just joking.
She was pretty nice about it.
You slept with her, didn't you?
Little bit, yeah.
Wow. This picture of you sure is steamy.
Oh, yeah, that's just a little somethin'
for my huge gay fan base.
Did you just wink at me?
Hey, you're the one who loves the picture.