Oh, Ross, Mon
is it okay if I bring someone
to your parents' anniversary party?
- Sure. - Sure, yeah.
- Who's the guy? - Well, his name's Parker.
And I met him at the dry cleaners.
Ooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers?
Who said that?
No, he's really great though.
He has this incredible zest for life.
And he treats me like a queen.
Except at night when he treats me
like the naughty girl I am.
Oh, by the way, would it be okay if I give
the toast to mom and dad this year?
Uh, yeah, you sure you want to
after what happened at their 20th?
Yeah, I'd-I'd really like to.
Okay. Hopefully this time mom won't boo you.
Yes, every year Ross makes a toast
and it's always really moving, and always makes them cry.
Well this year, I'm gonna make them cry.
And you-you wonder why Ross is their favorite?
No, really, any time Ross makes a toast
everyone cries and hugs him, and pats him on the back
and they all come up to me and say
"God, your brother."
You know what they're gonna say this year?
"God, you."
Well, I can promise you, at least one person
will be crying, you know?
I'm an actor and any actor
worth his salt can cry on cue.
Really? You can do that?
Oh, are you kidding me? Watch.
Well, I can't do it with you guys watching me.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
What you doing?
Oh, I'm working on my toast for the party.
Or as I like to call it
Sob fest 2002.
Hey, check this out.
It's a dog.
It's a dead dog.
That's Chi-Chi. She died when I was in high school.
It's your parents' anniversary
and you're gonna talk about their dead pet?
It's good stuff, huh?
- Hi. - Hey.
Aw, Joey, you got a present for my parents?
- That's so sweet. - Yeah, yeah, look.
In honor of their 35th wedding anniversary
I had a star named after them.
- Aw. - Oh, that is so cool.
And I got them a book on Kama Sutra for the elderly.
Hey, do you guys have any extra ribbon?
Oh, yeah, sure. What do you need?
We've got, uh, lace, satin, sateen
raffia, gingham, felt..
And I think my testicles may be in here too.
Oh, Chi-Chi.
Oh, I loved this dog.
You know, uh, Monica couldn't get braces
because Chi-Chi needed knee surgery.
- Oh. - What?
You were the 200 pound 11 year old who rode her.
- Hey. - 'Hi.'
Everybody, this is Parker.
- Parker, this-- - No, no, wait, don't tell me.
Let me guess.
Joey, Monica
Ross, Rachel, and..
I'm sorry, Phoebe didn't mention you.
Chandler! I'm kidding. Already you're my favorite.
Why don't each of you tell me a little bit about yourselves?
Uh, actually, I'm sorry. We-we probably should get going.
[laughing]
Classic Ross.
Rachel. Rachel, look how you glow.
- May I? - Uh, I think you already are.
Rachel, you have life growing inside you.
Is there anything in this world more miraculous than..
Ooh, a picture of a dog.
Whose is this?
That's my old dog. He-he passed away years ago.
Oh, well, at least you were lucky to have him.
Bow-wow, old friend.
Bow-wow.
- So, where's the party? - It's out on the island.
- It's in Massapequa. - Mm...Massapequa.
It sounds like a magical place. Tell me about Massapequa.
Is it steeped in Native American history?
Well, there is an Arby's in the shape of a tepee.
Okay, I've got my notecards.
- Um, you got the presents? - Yeah.
And I've got the car keys.
- We're driving? - Yeah.
- Aces! - Oh.
So, uh, he seems like a nice guy.
Yeah, yeah. I like him a lot.
You wanna hang back and take our own cab?
Yeah. Otherwise I'm not going.
[instrumental music]
- Oh! - Hey!
You look so great.
- Hey, ma. - This is such a great party.
Thirty-five years. Very impressive.
Do you guys have any pearls of wisdom?
[chuckles] Jack?
Why would you serve food on such a sharp stick?
It's a good question, dad.
- It's a good question. - Mmm.
Congratulations, you two.
- Oh, thanks, Catherine. - Oh, thank you.
- We're so excited. - Oh.
And also, congratulations on your wedding.
What?
Can-can we talk to you for just a minute?
Yeah.
Hey, it's-it's just a little thing.
While we think it's simply
marvelous that you're having this baby out of wedlock.
Uh, some of our friends are less open-minded.
Which is why we've told them all you're married.
- What? - What?
Thanks for going along with this.
Ma, dad, what, we have to pretend that we're married?
Son, I had to shave my ears for tonight.
You can do this.
- Can you believe that? - Yeah, I know.
If you're gonna do the ears
you may as well take a pass at the nosal area.
No, no. I don't want to have to lie about us being married.
Oh, no, I know. I don't either.
But you know what, it's their party
and it's one night, and-and we don't even have to lie.
We just won't say anything.
If it comes up again, we'll just..
We'll smile, we'll nod along.
- Ross. - Rachel.
- Hi, Aunt Lisa. Uncle Dan. - Hi.
- Congratulations on the baby.
- Oh. - And on the wedding.
- Mmm. - Mmm.
Here's a little something to get you started.
- Oh. - Hmm.
So how's married life treating you?
- Unbelievable. - Love marriage.
Ha ha. Great.
We'll see you later.
- Hey. - Hey.
What a beautiful place. What a great night.
I have to tell you
being here with all of you in Event Room C..
...I feel so lucky.
To think of all the good times that have happened here
the birthdays, the proms, the mitzvahs, both bar and bat.
But none of it will compare with tonight.
My God, I don't wanna forget this moment.
It's like I wanna take a mental picture of you all.
Click!
I don't think the flash went off.
[laughing]
I'm gonna go find the men's room. I'll be right back.
- I'll go with you. - Come on, come on.
Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun
and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.
I have to go to the bathroom too
but I don't want him complimenting my thing.
I'm so glad we weren't in the car. Did he ever let up?
He called the Long Island Expressway a concrete miracle.
This room, this night!
[gasps] That waiter! His shoes!
I must take a mental picture.
Oops, sorry.
Were you guys making fun of Parker?
That depends. How much did you hear?
Well, he's a little enthusiastic.
What's wrong with that?
It's just.. It's-it's so much.
Well, so what? I like him.
Do I make fun of the people that you've dated?
Tag? Janice? Mona?
No, because friends don't do that.
But do you want my opinion? You want it?
'Cause in my opinion, your collective dating record
reads like a who's who of human crap.
I feel terrible.
I know.
What was wrong with Mona?
[instrumental music]
Open it, open it, open it.
[gasps] Yeah, baby.
So, we never got to hear about your wedding.
We were surprised we weren't invited.
Oh, no, no, no. It was-it was just our parents.
And one or two friends, it was a small wedding.
- Yeah. - But it was beautiful.
I mean, it was small but kind of spectacular.
- Where did you have it? - On a cliff in Barbados.
At sunset.
And Stevie Wonder sang, "Isn't She Lovely"
as I walked down the aisle.
- Really? - Yeah.
Stevie's an old family friend.
Oh, my God. That sounds amazing.
- I'd love to see pictures. - So would I.
You wouldn't think that Annie Leibovitz
would forget to put film in the camera.
Would you, would you excuse for a second?
Um, what are you doing?
What? I'm not you.
This may be the only wedding I ever have.
And I want it to be amazing.
Okay, okay. Ooh! Ooh, maybe I rode in on a Harley.
Okay, Ross, it has to be realistic.
Say, uh, are you okay?
You seem...kind of quiet.
No, I'm fine. I'm great.
- I'm with you. - And I'm with you.
What a great time to be alive.
Look at this plate bouncy thing.
What an inspired solution to man's plate dispensing problems.
- Mm-hmm, yeah. - Yeah.
Ah! Oysters.
- Let me feed you one. - Oh, that's not necessary.
- Please. - No, actually, I don't eat--
I won't quit until you try one.
Okay, fine. Fine.
Mmm. Mm-hmm. That was good.
What are they like? I've never had one.
Why don't you just try one?
Nah, they look too weird.
What are you doing?
Just going over my toast.
Ah! Those two will never know what hit them.
I can't wait.
They're gonna be crying so hard
they'll be fighting for breath.
You know, if you want to, I can just hold them down
and you can just..
And my-my veil was lace made by blind Belgian nuns.
- Blind? - Well, not at first.
But it was very intricate work.
And they said even though they lost their sight
it was all worth it.
Oh, I bet you looked beautiful.
Oh, well, I-I don't know about that
but there were some people that said
I looked like a floating angel.
How did you propose?
Oh! Yeah, that's a great story.
Well, um, actually I-I took her to the planetarium.
That's-that's where we had our first date.
Um, she walked in
and I had the room filled with, uh
lilies, her favorite flower.
- Ah. - 'Oh, that is so sweet.'
Ssh! I want to hear the rest!
Then Fred Astaire singing, um
"The Way You Look Tonight" came on the sound system.
And the lights came down, and I-I got on one knee
and written across the dome in the stars were the words
"Will you marry me?"
(in unison) Aw.
And the ring was the size of my fist.
Hey, uh, Phoebe.
Look, um..
I wanna apologize about before, okay?
We were being jerks.
Parker's a nice guy, and I'd like to get to know him.
Then you better do it now.
- Why? - 'Cause I'm gonna kill him.
- What? What? - You guys were right.
He's just too excited about everything.
I mean, I'm all for living life
but this is the Gellers' 35th anniversary, okay?
Let's call a spade a spade, this party stinks.
I know, I'm having the worst time.
There was a 15 minute line for the buffet
and when I finally got up to the plates
I slipped on a giant booger.
Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?
I guess it could've been.
I didn't really look at it, you know?
I just wiped it on Chandler's coat
and got the hell out of there.
I just thought he was such a great guy.
I was so excited about him.
Oh, well, hey, you know, you should be excited about him.
There's nothing wrong with him. He's a good guy.
- You think? - Yeah, you know what I think?
I think we were all just being too negative.
You're right, you're right.
He's just embracing life.
We could all stand to be a little more like Parker.
You know what, I am like him.
I'm a sunny, positive person.
Well, a-actually, you have a little bit of an edge.
What's that now?
Oh, it's Parker.
Look, the bunny-hop.
[gasps] Oh, I love it!
- You do? - Are you kidding?
People acting like animals to music?
Come on!
[glass clinking]
Okay, it's time for the toast.
I-I know that normally Ross gives the toast
but this year I'm gonna do it.
(in unison) Ooh!
No, no, it-it, it's gonna be great, really.
Um, okay.
Um, mom, dad, uh..
"When I got married, one of the things that made me sure
"that I could do it
"was the amazing example the two of you set for me.
'"For that, and for so many other things'
'I wanna say thank you."'
I know I probably don't say it enough, but..
...I love you.
Uh, "When I look around this room
"I'm-I'm saddened by the thought of those
who could not be with us."
Nana, my beloved grandmother who would so wanna be here..
...but she can't..
...because she's dead.
As is our dog, Chi-Chi.
I mean, look, how cute she is.
Was.
Do me a favor and pass this to my parents?
Remember, um, she's dead, okay?
Her and nana, gone.
Wow.
Um..
Hey, does anybody remember when Debra Winger had to say
goodbye to her-her children in "Terms of Endearment?"
[chuckles] Didn't see that?
No movie fans?
[chuckles]
Hey, you wanna hear something sad?
Um, the other day I was watching "60 Minutes"
and there was this piece on these orphans in Romania
who have been so neglected that they were incapable of love.
You people are made of stone!
Here's to mom and dad. Whatever.
Thank you, Monica. That was, uh...interesting.
Wasn't it interesting, Jack?
Why don't I remember this dog?
Ross, why don't you give us your toast now?
Oh, no, mom..
It's just Monica this year.
You're not gonna say anything on our 35th wedding anniversary?
No, of-of course, um..
Um, uh, everybody? Um..
[clears throat] I-I just wanted to say..
Uh, on behalf of my new bride, Rachel..
'...and myself, um..'
...that if..
If in 35 years..
...we're half as happy as you guys are
we'll count ourselves the luckiest people in the world.
[sobbing] Oh, Ross.
I just wish nana were alive to hear Ross' toast.
[instrumental music]
My God, what a fantastically well-lit hallway.
Can I, um, get you something to drink?
Like a water and Valium?
I must say, you know this apartment, it's-it's..
There are no words.
- Oh, thank God. - It's a haven.
A third floor paradise, a modern day Eden in the midst of--
Yeah, I know, I know, uh-huh. I got you, oh, yeah.
Listen, let's, um..
Why don't we just, um, sit and relax?
You know, just be with each other quietly?
- Yeah. That sounds great. - Yeah. Uh-huh.
My God, this is the most comfortable couch
I've ever sat in my entire life.
Alright, let's-let's try something else.
Let's play a game.
- I love games. - Shocking.
Um, let's play the game of..
[chuckling]
...who can stay quiet the longest?
[chuckles] Or Jenga.
Let-let's play this one first.
And remember whoever talks first loses.
[sighs]
- I lose. Now Jenga. - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[clears throat] Is something wrong?
Wrong? Really? You know the word wrong?
Everything isn't perfect? Everything isn't magical?
Everything isn't a glow with the light of a million fairies?
They were just brake lights, Parker!
Well, excuse me for putting a good spin on a traffic jam.
But-but you don't have to put a good spin on everything.
I'm sorry, that's who I am. I'm a positive person.
No. I'm a positive person.
You are like Santa Claus on Prozac..
...at Disneyland, getting laid.
So, what do you want me to do?
You want me to be more negative?
You want me to be less happy?
Much less happy.
Fine. Well, then to quote Ross, "I'd better be going."
So long.
Hey, don't let the best door in the world
hit you in the ass on your way out.
[knocks on door]
Isn't this the most incredible fight
you've ever had in your entire life?
[instrumental music]
And then we could have gone from the ceremony
to the reception with you in the sidecar.
Ross, it just wouldn't have been feasible.
But having a dove place the ring
on your finger would have been no problem.
It was really fun being married to you tonight.
Yeah, and-and it was the easiest 400 bucks I ever made.
[laughing]
Okay, Ross, can I, um..
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
That proposal at the planetarium?
I know, I know, it was so stupid.
Are you kidding?
With the-with the lilies and the-and the song
and the stars?
It was..
It was really wonderful.
You just make that up?
Uh, no. Actually, I thought about it when we were going out.
That's how I imagined I, uh, I would ask you to marry me.
[chuckles]
Wow.
Well, that would have been, uh..
That would have been very hard to say no to.
Well, it's a good thing I didn't do it
because it sounds like it would have been
a very expensive wedding.
[chuckling]
Mm.
Okay. Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Uh, even if the sidecar had a, had a windscreen
so your hair wouldn't get messed up?
- I will think about it. - That's all I'm asking.
[instrumental music]
Okay, that's it, I give up.
At mom and dad's 40th anniversary
you're the one giving the speech.
You know, I don't understand why they didn't cry.
It was a beautiful speech.
- Oh, come on. - Hey.
All that stuff you said about true love. You were right.
I mean, we did learn a lot from mom and dad.
And that picture of Chi-Chi with her mischievous grin.
And what you said about nana.
Oh, yeah, she really would have wanted to be there.
And you know what?
I think she was.
Oh, good God, Ross, how the hell do you do it?
[theme music]