[instrumental music]
Hey, what's up?
Well, I left my guitar here again.
- Oh, okay. No problem. - Okay.
- Okay. Here you go. - Okay.
Okay.
What?
So you wanna hang out or something?
Phoebe, you kinda caught me at a bad time.
- Oh, are you and Chandler.. - Yes, exactly.
Okay, do you guys want me to play for you?
No.
Hey, Pheebs, what's up?
You ask an intriguing question, Chandler Bing.
[gasps] Oh, my God!
You're getting a massage?
You never let me massage you.
Phoebe, I can explain.
You told me you hate massages.
Buy stamps. Pick up dry cleaning.
Don't let Phoebe in.
I can't believe this! How long has this been going on?
- Well, Alexandra has-- - Oh, it has a name?
Phoebe, don't get upset.
Okay, oh! Too late! I'm leaving.
Come on, Chandler, let's go.
Well, I thought I'd..
Yeah, what the hell.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪
Oh, okay, okay, come on, one more push, one more push.
Come on, honey, we're almost there, almost there.
Oh, Joey, I'm so happy things worked out for us
and we're having this baby together. I love you so much.
Oh, I love you too.
And I hope it's not an inappropriate time
to say this but you're the best sex I've ever had.
That's always appropriate.
Oh, okay, okay, come on, one more push. One more push.
(female #1) 'There we go.'
Oh, here is your beautiful baby.
Congratulations.
Argh!
I hope you're a better father
than you are a friend! Whee!
Oh! Uh-whoa!
[knocking on door]
- Joey. Joey. - What? What? What goin' on?
Come feel this, come feel my belly.
Ah.
Joe, the baby's kicking for the first time.
Will you please come and feel this?
- Really? - Yes.
You know what? Maybe you..
Maybe you should come to me.
I'm-I'm not wearin' any bottoms.
Oh, okay.
Oh, my.. Oh, my God.
It's unbelievable!
Wow, she is kicking so much. Oh, she's like..
Oh, who's that kind of annoying girl soccer player?
- Mia Hamm? - Mia Hamm!
- It's amazing. - Whoa! Whoa!
- One hand on the sheet, Joe. - Oye! Oye, sorry.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, babe. - 'Hey, honey.'
We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing.
They don't like us, do they?
Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks?
Maybe we can take it back.
No, it doesn't say where it came from.
Where would we return it?
How about to the street, say from the balcony?
Why don't we just find a place for it?
Hmm-unh-ye..
How about in that cabinet?
No, that's where we keep the canned goods.
Have you completely forgotten everything
you learned at orientation?
How about the closet by the bathroom?
Oh, okay. Here, why don't you let me do it.
No, no, no. I will do it.
Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax
and let your husband take care of things once in a while.
It's locked. You have to help me.
Why is it locked?
No reason. Just I-I-I keep private things in there.
Well, you know, I've been livin' here for a while
and I've never seen what's inside that closet.
What is.. What is in there?
Feminine stuff.
Don't try to make me uncomfortable
with feminine stuff!
Chandler, there is nothing in there concerns you.
If you love me, you'll just.. You'll just let it go.
- Fine. - Thank you.
Love you.
Hello, Chandler. Lovely day, huh?
You.
Phoebe, if it helps, Alexandra's only been massaging
Monica for like, three years.
If! I said, "If it helps".
Why won't you let me massage you?
Well, it's.. I mean, I would just.. I'd be self-conscious.
I mean, you're my friend. I'd be naked.
Monica we lived together for years. I've seen you naked.
That's different. We were roommates. And when?
I'm curious about the human body.
Hey, come on, Phoebe, you can understand
why this would be weird for me.
But I'm a professional and I'm really good.
Look, if you're uncomfortable, we can stop.
Just give me a chance, okay. Please?
Okay, if it means that much to you.
It does.
How would you feel if you couldn't share your cooking?
Or imagine how Ross would feel
if he couldn't teach us about dragons.
Dinosaurs.
Potato, potato.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey, Ross, the baby's kicking.
What? It is?
It's not kicking right now.
Although we would love to see you do that again.
When-when was it kicking? What happened?
Last night, I just felt it.
And I went into Joey's room, and he was sleeping.
A dreamless sleep.
My God, the baby's kicking. That's great.
Although I kinda wish I would have been there
to feel the kicking for the first time, you know?
Ooh, I got some stuff goin' on in here if you want to feel.
Look, I-I don't wanna miss any more baby stuff.
So here. Here's my new pager number, okay?.
Anytime anything pregnancy related happens, use it.
I'll be there, okay?
I don't care if it's 3:00 in the morning
and-and all you want is some ice cream.
Oh, can I get a copy of that?
[instrumental music]
- 'Are you under the sheet?' - Yes.
Great, let's begin.
How's the pressure?
It's nice. Wow, Phoebe, you are good.
Stating the obvious, but thank you.
- And it's not weird, is it? - No.
- Oh! - That's right, you just enjoy.
Oh.
Oh, yeah!
O-o-oh, o-oh!
Oh, yeah!
Okay.
Oh, God, Phoebe!
Oh, that's it!
That's it, right there!
Oh.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
[instrumental music]
I wasn't trying to open your closet.
I wasn't trying to open your closet, I swear.
Wow, Monica runs a pretty tight ship around here, doesn't she?
- What are you doing? - Monica has a secret closet.
And she won't let me see what's in it.
- Why not? - I don't know!
What can she possibly be hiding in here that I can't see?
I don't know.
Ooh, I'll bet it's Richard.
Why would Monica be keep Richard in here?
Well, off the top of my head
maybe she's having her cake and eating it too.
You being the cake, Richard being the too.
- Or-- - And here we go.
I saw a movie once, where there was a door
and nobody knew what was behind it.
And when they finally got it open
millions and millions and millions of bugs
came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh!
You know, it wouldn't kill you to respect your wife's privacy!
Stupid closet full of bugs!
Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird.
- I don't.. Whoa! - Wh-whoa, do not worry, okay.
When my sisters were pregnant
they got every weird feeling in the book
and it was always nothing.
- Really? - Absolutely.
But we're gonna stop by the hospital
just to be sure, okay, I'll page Ross on the way.
- Okay. Oh, Go.. Ooh. - Come on.
Okay, Rach, Rach, look at me, look at me.
- Everything's gonna be fine. - Okay.
Trust me. Okay? Come on, take my hand. Here we go.
I've got.. Ow! Crushing bones!
Okay, good thing we're goin' to a hospital.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, so? - She's fine.
She was experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions.
Mild discomfort caused by contractions
in the uterine wall.
Hmm, mild discomfort?
So I take it you've had one of these Braxton thingies?
- So but everything's normal? - Absolutely.
And-and there's no danger to her or the baby?
No, no, contractions can be unnerving
if you don't know what they are, but she's fine.
Thank you, doctor.
Oh, and thank you for being nice and calm.
Calm? I wasn't calm!
I've never been more scared in my entire life.
But wait, you said everything was gonna be okay.
What do I know? I'm not a doctor.
But.. But everything is okay. I'm fine.
- You sure? - Yes, yes.
I got half a mind to contract that doctor's uterus though.
Mild discomfort. What's he talking about?
- Oh, hey, hey. - Is everything okay?
Yeah, everything is fine.
Y-y-your page said, "Come to the hospital."
What? What was it? What happened?
Something called Braxton Hicks contraction.
Oh! Ah!
Thank God that's no big deal. Most women don't even feel them.
Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Hey, uh, what's with the candy?
Oh, when you beeped me I was online
at the concession stand at the movie theatre.
Oh, you went to the movies by yourself?
No.. Mona!
- Oh, I gotta go back in there. - Why? Is it.. What's wrong?
No, everything's fine. I just gotta back--
No, really, you tell me. What's up?
Look, I forgot my underwear.
So thanks so much for-for bringing her to the hospital.
Oh, hey, don't worry about it. And, don't worry about her.
- No big deal. - But still, I mean..
It should've been me. I'm the dad.
Ah, if you have any questions
here's some information on Braxton Hicks.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, and by the way you did the right thing
by bringing her in, you're gonna make a wonderful father.
Oh, uh, hey, not as good as this guy.
He brought Twizzlers.
[instrumental music]
- There's got to be a way. - Easy there, Captain Kirk.
- Oh, do you have a bobby pin? - Yeah.
Oh, no, wait. I'm not a nine-year-old girl.
Then why do you throw like one?
- Maybe Monica has a bobby pin. - Oh, sure, "Monica".
So how's the hideously inappropriate
crush on Rachel coming?
Uh, really good, really good, yeah.
I should be ready to kill myself any day now.
Well, you sure found that quick.
I just.. I wish I didn't feel this way
about Rachel anymore, you know?
I wish things could go back to normal.
I mean, I-I love living with her
and, God helping out with the baby is just amazing.
But now I think...I think Ross feels left out, you know?
When I had to take Rachel to the hospital
the doctor thought I was the father.
You should have seen the look on Ross's face.
By the way, I have no idea what I'm doing here.
For all I know, I'm just locking it more.
Oh, hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
That's a good idea. Okay.
So, uh, Ross is kinda bummed, huh?
[sighs] Oh, I just..
- I feel terrible. - Well, it's not your fault.
What are you gonna do, not take her to the hospital?
You know, you're doing nothing wrong.
Except for harboring an all consuming love
for the woman that's carrying his baby.
Richard, i-if you're in there
could you pass me my credit card?
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing.
That massage felt so good.
No, no, I-I got that.
So, um, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?
Okay, okay.
Well, you should know though, I've, um
raised my rates to $200 an hour.
- Okay. - I mean 500.
- What? - 600.
What's goin' on?
Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged.
Yeah, and it really freaked me out.
And after a while I even tried to hurt you
and it just spurred you on.
What? You're crazy.
There's nothing sexual about the noises I make.
Really? there's nothing sexual about this?
Ooh.
Oh, God!
Oh, oh, oh..
What are you looking at?
I mean, hi.
Oh, my, this is embarrassing.
Oh, my God I-I'm never gonna get massaged again.
No, you can't let this stop you from getting massages.
No, look, I have, I have lots of clients
that make the same noises that you do.
- Really? - Well, not clients. Lovers.
Let's just.. You know, we'll try it again.
Come back, and-and we'll work through it.
- You sure? - Yes.
- I guess. - Great!
Okay, now, just.. if you'll just excuse me.
So did you hear something you liked?
[instrumental music]
Hey, Ross, check it out! I learned a new trick.
Hey, I brought you some lunch.
Oh, that's so sweet of you.
Oh, yum.
Mm-mmm.
- Did you put pickles on this? - Well, yeah.
- Oh, God! - What? What? Rach, what?
- What's going on? - I made her favorite.
Tuna sandwich with pickle.
Pickle? Pickle makes her sick.
Giving her pickle is like giving me salad.
I-I'm sorry, Rach, I didn't know. Are you gonna be okay?
(Rachel) 'Yeah, I'll be fine, but someone please make sure'
'that, that sandwich is gone when I get out there?'
I'm on it!
I can't believe this.
I shouldn't be the one making her throw up.
Dude, relax. Ross, it could happen to anyone.
Yeah, not to you. 'Cause you know this stuff.
I don't know any of it and I'm the father.
I just.. I wish I could be more involved, you know?
Whoa.
Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.
Hey, uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second?
- Yeah. - What's up?
Well, uh, sit down.
I wanna talk about our situation.
Are you breaking up with us?
The thing is..
...because I live with Rachel
I'm here for a lot of the stuff, okay.
And Ross..
Ross is missing everything.
So..
Yeah?
Maybe you two should live together.
Are you asking me to move out? You don't want me here?
No, no, I love living with you. It just seems that..
...if you're gonna have a roommate, you know
it might as well be the father.
But, Joey, I don't think Ross wants me to move
into his apartment and disrupt his life like that.
Or he does.
Well, I-I would love to be around
for you and the baby.
And you know, we-we can just try it, like on a temporary basis.
But it's you and me.
So? Sure, but it wouldn't be anything romantic.
And I'm-I'm dating Mona. Damn it, Mona!
I was supposed to meet her like, an hour ago.
- What is wrong with me? - 'Alright, alright.'
So what do you think?
- I don't know. Is it crazy? - No, no, it's not..
Joey, this is a smart idea.
Well, I was due.
- Let's do it, I'll move in. - Really?
- Yeah. - Oh! Rach, that's great.
- That's great. - Mmm.
[instrumental music]
Not too shabby. I got this all off myself..
...using my wife's tools.
Oh, my God.
[gasps]
How did you get in there?
[laughs]
You're messy.
No! You weren't supposed to see this!
I married Fred Sanford.
No, Chandler, you don't understand.
Pa-pa-pada.
Pa-pa-pada. Pada-pa--
Okay, okay, okay, fine!
Now you know, okay. I'm, you know, I'm sick.
No, honey, you're not sick.
Look, I don't love you because you're organized.
I love you in spite of that.
Really?
You promise you won't tell anyone?
Yes.
And, look, now that I know if I've got some extra stuff
lying around can we, can we share the closet?
Oh, well.. It's just..
I'm afraid you might mess it up.
[instrumental music]
- Hey. - Hey.
So Rachel's all moved out, huh?
How you taking it?
Well, I wanted to have a few beers
but I got rid of those
because Rachel couldn't stand the smell of 'em.
So I have thrown back a lot of orange juice
with calcium though.
And, uh, it's a couple weeks past its expiration date
so it's got a bit of a kick.
- Are you okay? - You kidding me?
Yeah, I'm great.
Yeah, I'm-I'm better than great. I am good.
Look, and now that she's gone
I can, uh, I can do all this stuff around here
that I couldn't do before, you now.
Like, um..
I can walk around naked again, you know.
I can..
I can watch porn in the living room, right?
This is, uh, this is good for me, you know?
I like being on my own. I'm, uh, I'm better off this way.
I'm a.. I'm a lone wolf.
You know, a loner.
Alone.
All alone.
Forever.
What's a wolf gotta do to get a hug around here?
[instrumental music]
Oh.
That's it, just relax.
Oh! oh, oh.
- Come on, more. - Oh, God!
Yeah, you like that, don't you?
Ooh, yeah, right there.
You want it there? You take it there, baby.
- Um, Phoebe? - Yeah, say my name. Say it.
And now I'm going to cover you back up.
And, um, I won't be speaking with you for several weeks.
[theme music]