- Phoebe. - Yeah?
Look at that guy by the window.
- Wow! - He's awfully short.
And I think he's talking to himself.
And to be completely honest, he's not that good in bed.
Oh, what is wrong with me lately?
I mean, it's like every guy I see..
I mean, okay, look at that guy for example.
I mean, normally that's not someone that
I would-would be attracted to.
But right now, with the way I'm feeling
all I wanna do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
Wait a second.
This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?
- Yeah. - This is completely normal.
Around the fourth month, your hormones start going crazy.
Really? So this has happened to you?
Oh, absolutely, yeah.
Oh, and keep in mind now, I was carrying triplets.
So, you know, in medical terms
I was-I was thrice as randy.
Wow! This explains so much.
Last weekend, I went from store to store
sitting on Santa's laps.
Yeah, yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout
of Evander Holyfield from a "Foot Locker."
- Uh. - Yeah, oh.
Well, you know what, I go see my doctor tomorrow.
I'll ask her about this.
Maybe she can give me a pill or something.
Yeah, yeah, that's what you need, a good pill.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
- Hey. Hi. - Hey.
- Hi. - Hi.
Look, I got our pictures developed
from Rockefeller Center.
Oh, great. Hey, Joey.
You wanna check out pictures of me
and Mona ice skating?
Oh, uh..
Ordinarily, I would love to
but I am just swamped right now.
Hey, where-where are the pictures that
that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?
- Oh, yeah, probably at the end. - Uh.
Oh, my God.
All he took were pictures of my breasts.
I'm missing picture time?
You know...she has a face, Ross.
Okay, okay, here's a good one of us.
Wow, that is a good one.
Wow, looks like, uh, like a holiday card.
You know, with that tree in the middle
and the-the skaters and the snow.
You know, every year I say I'm gonna send out
holiday cards and I never do it.
Do you wanna, do you wanna send this one
out together?
Together? Like-like to-to people?
Yeah, you know, "Happy holidays from Mona and Ross."
It'll be cute, okay?
Uh, okay.
Oh, I gotta get to work.
- So call me later? - Oh, sure.
- Bye, guys. - Bye.
Congratulations, you just got married.
- I know. Can you believe that? - Wait, I'm, I'm sorry.
What's the big deal about a holiday card?
Married couples send out cards.
Families send out cards.
People who've been dating for a couple of months
do not send out cards. What, what is she crazy?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. That's your wife you're talking about.
Bing!
Oh! And the Bingette.
Oh, honey, you remember my boss Doug, right?
- Yes, hi. - Hi. So..
Good news, the divorce is final. I sign the papers this a.m.
Oh, I didn't know you and Carol were getting a divorce.
- I'm sorry. - Sorry?
Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap.
Hey, congratulations to you guys, though.
Well, no leg chewing for us, sir.
Well, give it time.
So, the divorce, the marriage we got a lot to celebrate.
How about we all go out to dinner tomorrow night?
I can't think of anything we're doing.
Why can't I think of anything we're doing?
Tomorrow night it is then.
I should be out of court by 6:00.
They keep throwing these sexual harassment cases at me
and I keep knocking them out of the park.
Okay, okay, see you tomorrow.
Just so you know, we're not seeing him tomorrow.
I-I cannot spend another evening with that man.
Do you remember how he behaved at our wedding?
No.
That's because he wasn't invited.
Alright, because of the way
he behaved at our engagement party.
Oh, yeah.
Boy, urine cuts right through
an ice sculpture, doesn't it?
[knock on door]
- Hi. - Hey.
Hey, I went by the photo shop.
Take a look. Here is a mock-up of our card.
What do you think?
Huh. Wow! that's great.
Now do you think it should say, "Love, Ross and Mona?"
Well, we-we haven't said that to each other yet
but..
...I guess it's okay to say it to other people.
How many did you want? I'm getting a hundred.
A hundred?
Well, I, uh, I guess I'll take, uh..
Mona..
Uh, I-I don't..
I'm not sure about the whole, uh..
...the...card thing.
Really, why not?
Sending out a holiday card together..
I just don't know if we're really quite...there yet.
You know, I didn't think of it that way.
You're right, you're right.
- So can I ask you a question? - Yeah.
- Where are we? - Huh?
You know, like where are we?
Where is this relationship going?
Hmm.
I mean, I love spending time with you, you know?
I just...I hope we're moving forward.
I mean, we should probably talk about that, don't you think?
Let's do the card!
- What? - The card.
I think we're there.
Okay. I..
But I-I still think we should
have this conversation.
Really? I mean..
Even with the card?
[knocking on door]
- Hi. - Hi.
Just so you know
Dr. Long can't be here today.
She was called to the hospital.
So Dr. Schiff will be seeing you.
Oh, okay.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
Was it me or-or was the guy who took my blood sample
really cute?
You know who I'm talking about? Bowl haircut, hairy fingers.
[knock on door]
Hi, Rachel?
I'm Dr. Schiff.
Yes, you are.
So how's it going?
Oh, it's really, really good.
But enough about me, come on.
Where are you from? What do you do?
- I'm a doctor. - Right. Right.
Actually, I meant, you know, in your spare time.
Do you cook? Do you ski?
Or just hang out with your wife or girlfriend?
Uh, I don't have a wife or a girlfriend
but I, I do like to ski.
Oh, I love to ski.
How amazing is this?
So, are you experiencing any discomfort?
No, I'm very comfortable.
- Any painful gas? - No.
Ooh, Dr. Schiff, what kind of question is that?
Okay then.
Would you like to lie down on the table?
Well, would you like me to lie down on the table?
I'm sorry, is there something going on here?
Do you feel it too?
- Hi. - Oh, hey, so?
How did your doctor's appointment go?
Well, let's see.
Uh, they gave me cute boy doctor today.
And in the middle of the exam
I put my pinkie in his chin dimple.
- Oh, my God. - Why did you do that?
Okay, remember that little problem I was having
during my fourth month of pregnancy?
Oh, yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase.
Oh, man, you were so hard up
you-you practically came on to me.
You wish.
Hey, I could've had you if I wanted you.
Oh, yeah? Come and get it.
Okay, even this is turning me on.
- Hey. - Oh, hey.
Hey, Ross.
Hey, how's it, how's it going with you and Mona?
Are you guys still together?
Oh, yeah, yeah, we're moving forward.
You'll be getting our card.
You and Mona are doing a holiday card together?
Yeah, we're not just doing a card.
You know, she-she also wants to have the conversation
about where the relationship is going.
- Uh, women. - I know, I know.
Why do you guys need to have this conversation, huh?
I mean, no self-respecting man would ask a woman
"So where's this going?"
Uh, Ross, you asked me that.
Hey, you were a closed book, okay?
I'm not a mind reader.
Besides, I-I hate those conversations, okay.
I'm horrible at them, really.
Maybe-maybe I need some kind of a gesture.
You know, something that says we're moving forward
without having to talk about it.
Like asking her to move in with you?
[stammers]
Smaller than that.
Making her a mix tape?
Uh, bigger than that.
Give her a key to your apartment.
Whoa! Hello? We were closer with the mix tape.
Have you said "I love you?" You could say "I love you."
Yeah, I don't, I don't think I'm quite there yet.
But, oh! I could say "I love spending time with you."
- No, we hate that. - That is a slap on the face.
Oh, forget it.
You know what, I-I'll just, I'll have the conversation.
I'll just say "I like things the way they are"
and-and hope for the best.
What do you think, Rach?
I think...if it was a little colder in here
I could see your nipples through that sweater.
Bing.
We're all set for tonight. 8 o'clock.
Oh, uh, as it turns out, we can't do it.
Monica has to work.
Oh, my ex-wife didn't work.
Unless you call turning into her mother, work.
Yeah. Fine. Tomorrow night, then.
Oh, uh, well, tomorrow's no good for her, either.
Oh? Why not?
It's the semifinals..
...of her...bocce ball tournament.
What's going on, Bing?
Does, uh, your wife have a..
...problem with me or something?
Well, now, now, you're just talking crazy.
Then why can't the three of us go out together?
Because, uh, we-we-we split up.
Monica and I split up.
Hold me.
Good God, Bing, I..
Well, I can't say I'm altogether surprised.
I saw the way she looked at you, and..
...there was no love there.
And the way she looked at me. Pure lust.
You know what would really help me through
this tough time is choking someone.
- Can I choke ya? - Mm-hmm.
Bing, my boy..
...we're gonna get you over this.
Now, here's the plan. Grab your coat.
We're going to a strip club.
Oh, no, no, no. Monica would freak.
But to hell with that bitch.
- Here we go. - Thanks.
Mona, um..
I think it's time we-we had a conversation
about-about where things are with us.
Yeah, I-I think, I suggested that.
Oh, we-we are so..
So, um..
Well, I-I really like you
and I-I love, um, you know, hanging out with you
and, I mean, I'm, I'm having a lot of fun.
Okay.
I mean, there's no point in spending time with someone
if-if it's just fun.
I mean, it's gotta be..
It's gotta be going somewhere, right?
So, where-where is it going?
Ah!
That's, that's the real question.
And-and the answer is..
...it's going somewhere..
...fun.
Now, I-I know what you're thinking.
Fun was fine for you, like, ten years ago
you know, but, I mean, you're not-you're not
getting any younger.
No, I mean.
You know, not, not you, not you.
You, you are getting younger.
I mean, you-you look like you're getting younger
by the, by the second. What's your secret?
I'm sorry. So, uh...so where are we?
Oh, well, well, to sum up..
...we're having fun.
You look young.
- Okay-- - But that's not enough.
So...so..
Here's a key to my apartment.
Really?
Really.
You don't think this is too fast?
Mmm-mm.
You gave her a key to your apartment?
Not just a key
I gave her the only key.
I am now a homeless person
in a very serious relationship.
Hey. Oh, Ross, how'd the conversation go?
Oh, great. I live on the street.
Where?
- Hey. - Hi.
Okay, Monica, Rachel.
This is my friend, Roger.
- Hey, Roger. - Nice to meet you. Hi.
So, um, I'm gonna get us some drinks.
- Could you help me out? - Yeah. Okay.
Um...he's here to have sex with you.
- What? - You're welcome.
- Phoebe, no! - It's okay.
He's a virgin.
Rachel, um, I-I was just talking to this guy
and I think he'll have sex with you.
Okay, um..
Yeah, okay, let's leave these two alone.
No! You guys, I don't care what my hormones are doing.
I am not gonna just do it with some random guy.
Fine. Then you tell Roger.
'Cause he was really looking forward to this.
Excuse me.
[instrumental music]
Ooh, Bing.
Look at those twin sisters dancing together.
Let me buy you a lap dance with those girls, huh?
Oh, that's alright, sir.
And...that's just one girl.
- Bing. What's this? - It's a hand.
It's a thing you use as a jack-and-coke holder.
No, it's a wedding ring. You gotta get rid of it.
We're gonna go to the East River right now and throw it in there!
- Oh, no, no, no. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I did and then I felt a hell of a lot better
and if you whip it just right
you might hit a seagull in the head.
Okay. Oh, and I'm gonna need a bunch of extra keys.
Uh, apparently, I-I give them away for no reason at all.
Hey, Ross. What's going on?
You changing the lock?
No. That guy is.
I don't understand.
You-you give me a key to your apartment
and then you change the lock.
Um..
Good luck, buddy.
Um, I...I thought we were moving forward
and now you're, you're sending me all these mixed signals.
What are you trying to tell me?
I'm trying to tell you..
...I made you a mix tape.
- What? - I love you.
Oh..
- Oh! - Oh! Oh.
And I love spending time with you.
[door opens]
Hi, honey, I'm home.
From the tequila factory?
It was awful.
To get out of going to dinner with Doug
I told him that you and I split up.
So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars.
And then, when I wouldn't give him my wedding ring..
...he threw a soda can at a bird.
Come here.
I can breathe through my mouth.
Oh, sweetie.
You know what the worst part was?
I got to see what my life would be like without you.
You know, it was like
"It's a Wonderful Life" with lap dances.
Please promise me, that you will never leave me
that we will grow old together
and be with each other for the rest of our lives.
I promise.
Hey, speaking of together
how about we send out a holiday card this year?
Ooh. I-I don't know if we're there yet.
Yes, hi. I'd like to order a pizza.
Oh, hey, can I ask you a question?
Is-is the cute blond guy delivering tonight?
Very Abercrombie & Fitch?
I'll call you back.
- Who was that? - It's just the pizza place.
You-you hung up on the pizza place?
I don't hang up on your friends.
I'm sorry, honey, I'm just having a
having a rough day.
Oh. What's wrong?
Oh, you really, you really just
don't wanna hear about it.
Then why did I ask?
Okay, it's just..
And, but this is really embarrassing.
But lately, with this whole pregnancy thing
I'm just finding myself..
How do I put this? Um..
Erotically charged.
Is that college talk for horny?
Yeah.
So, you know, I have all of these feelings
and I don't know what to do about them
because I can't date like a normal person
which is fine, because I don't need a relationship.
I mean, all I really want is one great night.
Just sex, you know?
No strings attached, no relationship
just with-with someone that I feel comfortable with
and who knows what he's doing.
For just one great night.
I mean, is that really so...hard..
...to find?
Well, so how-how was your day?
G-good. I, uh, I saw a pretty big pigeon.
Well, I gotta get up early, and it's almost 7 o'clock so..
Yeah, I gotta, I gotta go to my room too.
- Okay, goodnight. - Goodnight.
- I can't do it! - I didn't ask you to do it!
- You're Rachel! - You're Joey!
- You're my friend! - Right back at ya!
Yeah...plus, it would be wrong
and weird and-and-and bad.
And so bad.
But I don't even know what you're talking about
because I didn't ask you to do anything!
I know!
- You wanna do it? - No!
Me, neither! I'm just testing you!
Hey, well, that's the end of this conversation.
This conversation never happened.
Never happened.
- Goodnight. - Goodnight.
(Joey) 'Get back in there!'
- Hi. - Hmm.
Listen.
I'm sorry about that whole thing with Roger.
It really wasn't right.
And I, and I wanna make it up to you
so, um, I brought you something that I think
you'll really enjoy.
Okay.
Now, this is just a loan, okay?
I'm gonna, I'm gonna want him back, so.
I'm gonna go now.
I'm sorry. I thought I could do it, and I can't.