- Morning. - Hi.
Oh, how was your date last night?
- Pretty good. - Oh, good.
- Aah! - My God. Sorry about that.
Okay, really good.
Alright, I gotta go. I'm late for work.
What? Wait, you're gonna leave this person with me?
Hey, don't worry, she's a terrific girl.
And hey, listen. Can you do me a favor?
When she comes out, could you just mention that
I'm not looking for a serious relationship?
That'd be great.
Whoa! What? Are you kidding?
Just casually slip it in, you know? Lay the groundwork.
Tell her, uh, I'm a loner. No, an outlaw.
She doesn't wanna get mixed up with the likes of me.
Yeah, you know what? That's a lot to remember.
Can't I just tell her that you're a pig?
Hey, I'm gonna call her later myself.
Honest. Come on, Chandler used to do it.
He'd even make the girl pancakes.
Plus he'd make extras and leave 'em for me.
Well, forget it, I'm not telling that girl anything.
That is not my responsibility.
Fine.
Now, where did we land on those pancakes?
- Hi. - Hi.
Sorry, about that but..
...I couldn't get that lock to work on the door.
Yeah, Joey kinda disabled it
when I moved in.
You must be Rachel. I'm Erin.
- Hi. - 'Hi.'
I don't mean this to sound like high school
but did he say anything about me?
Would you like some pancakes?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Come on. Why are we here? - Okay, okay, take a guess.
- The hot chicks? - Okay, okay.
I was typing names into the library computer
earlier you know, you know for fun.
And I typed mine in, and, uh, guess what came up?
My doctoral dissertation.
It's here, yeah, it's right down here
in the biggest library in the university.
Wow! That's actually pretty cool.
Yeah, oh, um..
There's also a book here
by a woman named Wendy Bagina.
[moaning]
What is that?
Sounds like two people are really enjoying
the Dewey decimal system.
We're so sorry.
You didn't bring me here to do that, did you?
[instrumental music]
She sent the chicken back again?
She said it's too dry now and she wants to come back
here and explain to you exactly how she wants it.
Hmm, well, fine, I'd like to meet this chicken expert.
Send the colonel in.
Oh, my God!
Lucky bastard.
- Janice. - How are you?
Ms. Hotshot-Chef-at the-Big-Fancy Restaurant
With-the-Best-Chicken-Ever?
I'm fine.
Oh, what is that on your finger?
I'm blind.
Oh, uh..
So, who's the lucky guy?
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry, sweetie.
Are you okay?
You didn't tell her we're getting married, did you?
- Well, she saw the ring. - Did she freak out?
Well, she was shocked when I told her
but, then again, so were most people.
Right.
Well, she actually has a boyfriend, you know, herself.
Name's Clark.
Uh, she also kind of invited
herself to our wedding.
Clark too.
You said no, right?
Huh?
You said no, right?
Well, she cornered me.
She asked me if the wedding was in town.
- What was I supposed to do? - Lie!
How hard is that?
"Your check's in the mail."
"Oh, your baby's so cute."
"I can't wait to read your book, Ross."
Come on, so she comes to the wedding.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
And you think she's just gonna sit there quietly?
You don't think she's gonna wanna make a toast?
You don't think she's gonna wanna grab the microphone
and sing "Part-Time Lover"?
Oh, my God, she's not gonna like the chicken
that night either, is she?
You know what? It's gonna be okay.
You know what? She's probably not gonna even wanna come.
- Really? - No, that was a lie.
See how easy that was?
So-so..
...you would have just lied?
Yes.
Well, would it really been that easy?
Yes.
Good, so do it Saturday night, 'cause we're goin' to dinner
with her and Clark.
[laughing hysterically]
Hey, what's up?
- Hey. - Hey.
Hey, who's your friend?
Hey!
- Hey, Joey. - 'Erin.'
You're still here.
Yeah, we ended up spending the day together
and had such a great time.
Why wouldn't you? Erin is great.
And then-then there's you guys.
Well, listen, I better get going.
- Today was great. Thanks. - 'I know.'
Okay.
And Joey, last night was fun.
Yeah, I-I'll call you.
- Oh, and I'll call you too. - Or I'll call you.
- And-and call me. - 'Okay.'
- Okay, good to see you again. - Bye.
- Bye-bye. - 'Bye.'
So, system kind of broke down, huh?
Oh, Joey, I'm sorry, I just couldn't
tell her all those things, you wanted me to tell her.
And you know, we got to talking, and I--
We want you to marry her.
- What? - She is so amazing.
- You have no idea. - No idea?
Who do you think brought her here?
Cupid.
Joey, she's so cool. She speaks four languages.
Man, do you know what guys want.
Well, Joey, come on, she's so perfect for you.
I mean, she's sweet. She-she likes baseball.
And she-she had two beers at lunch.
My beers?
Look, you guys, she's a very nice girl, okay?
We had a good time, but I just..
I don't see it going anywhere.
Yeah, but you always say that.
Yeah, maybe if you gave this girl a chance
it would go somewhere.
Look, I'm sorry, you guys.
I-I just don't think so.
- Whatever. - Fine.
Hey, don't start judging me. Huh?
You're the one whose in love with your assistant, huh?
And you, you're the one whose having the affair
with the guy who keeps the pigeons on the roof.
Phoebe!
Secret affair.
[instrumental music]
People are doing it in front of my book.
I'm sorry?
My doctoral dissertation is in
the library at school. I went to see it.
And there were students making babies..
...right in the middle of the Paleontology section.
Oh, my God! Did you get to see anything good?
Let me ask you something, at your school was there like
a place on campus where-where students went to fool around?
Yeah, there was, they were in the corner of the library
where all these dusty books were that nobody ever read.
Yes, there was.
Great, because people kept showing up.
I think it's like a-a thing.
Hey, hold on a second.
Fifth floor, against that back wall?
Oh, for crying out loud!
Alright, so we should go catch our movie.
Well, now what's the rush?
I'd like to see the previews.
The candy.
- Oh, hey. - Well, look who's here.
- Hey, Joey. - Hey, Erin.
- Hey, Rachel. - Hi.
Well, we were just about to
take off and see a movie.
- Yeah. - Oh, no!
- What's wrong? - Oh, Phoebe.
We forgot that party we have to go to.
Oh, no.
What party?
(together) A birthday party.
Uh, whose birthday party?
(together) Alison's birthday party.
Oh. And how old is Alison?
(together) Thirty-two.
[grunts] Wait a minute.
Why don't you guys do something?
Yeah, look how that worked out.
Excuse me. Hi, I'm a professor here.
Do you know the Paleontology section
fifth floor, stack 437?
Well, yes. Just give me five minutes.
I just have to find someone to cover my shift.
No. No!
No!
Can I speak to someone in charge, please?
How can I help you?
Hi, I was wondering
is it possible to increase security
in the Paleontology section?
See, I-I wrote a book that's up there.
And instead of reading it, people are-are..
Well, they're rolling around in front of it.
We are aware of the problem you're referring to.
But as far as increasing security
I'm afraid the library's very understaffed.
I-I can't help you.
Well, fine, fine.
If-if I'm the only person with any appreciation
of the sanctity of the written word
then I'll go up there and defend it myself.
And don't you follow me.
- Hey. - Hey.
- How did it go with Erin? - Oh, unbelievable.
- We had the best time. - Yay!
Oh, so you're not, you're not mad at us anymore?
No, no, no, you guys were totally right.
This was so much better than the first time we went out.
You know, that was so awkward. We were both really nervous.
Didn't you sleep together?
Yeah, that really calms me down.
- Oh. - And we have so much in common.
She-she loves sandwiches, sports.
Although, she is a Met fan.
Not much of an issue now, but if we were ever to had kids..
[gasps] Oh, my God!
Listen to you talking about having kids.
- Well. - Oh, my Joey.
Oh, please don't get married before I do.
Oh!
[instrumental music]
Oh! Oh!
I just cannot believe
that Clark stood me up.
He may still show up.
Oh, what are you, stupid?
- It's been three hours. - Is that all?
Let's just go on to happier things, okay?
Um, why don't you tell me about your lovely wedding?
Well, actually, uh, there was something
that we wanted to tell you about the wedding.
Um, it's going to be
a-a small ceremony.
Uh, tiny.
We're not even sure why we're having it.
It's actually going to be just family.
Oh, wait..
You two think of me as family?
Oh! I have to ask you something now, and be honest.
Do you want me to sing
"Careless Whisper" or "Lady in Red"?
How can you say that? The Mets have no closer.
What about Benitez?
What about game one of the Series?
- What about, shut up? - You shut up.
I love arguing with her.
- Be right back. - Okay.
So, how's it going with Joey?
Oh, okay.
Okay?
Wait, okay, tell me, tell me that you like him, please.
I mean, tell me that you like him.
Look, he's a really great guy, and I know that
you really want this to work out
but I just don't see this having a future.
What?
But you said that you liked him.
I mean, what happened?
Did you just change your mind?
- Kinda. - Then change it back!
I'm sorry. I.. It's just there's no real spark.
No spark? Didn't you sleep together?
Yeah.
Uh, tramp.
Does Joey have any idea?
I really don't think he does, and you know what?
Maybe you guys could help pool him in
you know, tell him I'm-I'm not interested
in a serious relationship or something.
Yeah, you mean, like, that you're kind of a loner?
- Yeah, that'd be great. - Yeah.
And maybe that you're a real stronzo.
- I'm sorry? - Oh, well.
I guess Italian isn't one of the four
languages you speak.
- Hey. Wanna go? - Yeah, let's go.
- Okay. See you guys later. - Bye, guys.
Hey, thank you so much.
Wow.
I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here.
No, just a regular old flying dwarf.
[instrumental music]
Yes, yes. How can I help you?
We were, we were just looking around.
Oh, oh, you're-you're fellow scholars.
What exactly were you looking for? Hmm?
Perhaps, uh, perhaps..
...Dr. Chester Stock's musings
on the Smilodon californicus?
- Uh.. - Uh! Uh!
Get out of here!
Uh, meeting someone?
Or-or are you just here to brush up
on Merriam's views on evolution?
Um, actually, I find Merriam's views
far too progressionist.
I find Merriam's views far too progressionist.
[chuckles] I'm sorry. Who are you?
I'm a professor here. Ross Geller.
Ross Geller? Why do I know that name?
It's a.. Wait!
Did you write this?
Yes.
You're the person who checked out my book?
You know, you look nothing
like I would have thought.
You're, you're so young.
Well, I, uh, I skipped fourth grade.
I am very, very sorry.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Hi. - So how was, how was your date?
Oh, it was great. I mean, we walked all around the Village.
We went to this ice cream place. Split a milk shake.
Seventy-thirty, but still. And guess what?
I'm thinking of taking her upstate
to one of those bed-and-breakfasts.
Oh, really, she said
she wants to go away with you?
No, no, no, it's a surprise.
It's gonna be tricky, though because she said
she's gonna be pretty busy at work for a while.
- Oh. - Oh.
J-Joey, look, honey, we-we need to talk, okay?
Um..
I kinda got the feeling from her today, that..
...that she's not looking for a serious relationship.
Where are you getting this?
Well, she told me.
She said she's kind of a loner.
Oh.
[scoffs]
- Joey.. - No, hey, Rach.
It's-it's-it's cool, you know.
I'm a loner too, right?
[smirks]
Hey, Joey. You know what?
You are way too good for her.
Yeah, and honey, I promise, next time
I will just say goodbye and tell 'em
you're not looking for a relationship.
No.
No, don't do that. Just..
Next time, make sure she really likes me.
- Well, that too. - 'Yeah.'
Joey?
'Yeah?'
Do you want some pancakes?
- Finally. - Okay.
What are we gonna do?
I say we go with "Careless Whisper".
[knock on door]
Chandler?
Did she see us yet? Did she see us?
Janice, what are you doing here?
Well, um, I-I thought I was gonna go back to my apartment
but then I just felt like I really
couldn't be alone tonight.
I was just wondering if I could maybe..
...stay here with you.
Just I really feel like I need to be with family.
Our kids are gonna call her Aunt Janice, aren't they?
Please, because otherwise, I really don't know..
...what I might do.
Aren't you just a teensy bit curious?
- Do you have any tissues? - Yeah, in the bathroom.
Okay.
We'll just..
- Let her stay. - No, no, no.
If we let her stay she will stay forever.
More like your Barcalounger.
Is that what you're thinking about right now?
I never stop thinking about it.
Hey, you guys?
Um, do either one of you wanna get in there
before I take my bath?
Janice, I'm sorry
but, uh..
...you can't stay here tonight.
Why not?
Honestly?
Our-our apartment is a hotbed
for electromagnetic activity.
Now, Monica and I have been immunized, but sadly..
...you have not.
[laughing]
Okay, I'm gonna need a comforter.
But, do you have a hypoallergenic one?
Because otherwise I get very nasal.
Do you have a cat? Ah!
Because it's already happening.
Ah. Do you hear that? Listen. Ah!
[shrieking]
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You have to go.
Why?
Because Chandler still has feelings for you.
- He does? - Say again?
That's right. That's right.
And that is why you can't stay here tonight.
And probably why you shouldn't
come to the wedding.
Feelings. Such strong feelings.
I mean, I realize that his feelings
may never completely go away..
...but you can.
Oh, my God.
I-I understand. I-I am so sorry.
I'll go.
Goodbye, Monica.
I wish you a lifetime of happiness with him.
Chandler.
You call me when this goes in the pooper.
[instrumental music]
Don't sweat it, I got this section covered.
Yeah, in fact, I've got this baby to shine in people's eyes.
Okay, see you later.
I just wanted to show Monica your book.