Okay, the reason I asked you guys out to brunch today
is because I've been doing some thinking about
who should be my maid of honor.
Oh, my God. This is it. Oh.
I really hope it's you.
- I hope it's you. - Me too.
First of all, uh, I love you both so much.
And you're both so important to me--
Okay, blah, blah, blah. Who is it?
Well, um, I was thinking that maybe we could come up
with a system where we trade off
being maid of honor for each other.
Like, hypothetically, if Phoebe were mine--
Yes! Oh!
Hypothetically.
Still.
If Phoebe were my maid of honor
Rachel would be Phoebe's, I would be Rachel's.
That way, we all get to do it once and no one would get upset.
Mm-hmm. No, that's actually a pretty good idea.
Yeah, I'll do that. So who gets to be yours?
[chuckles]
Well, that's the best part.
Um, you guys get to decide.
- Why-why is that the best part? - Because then, I don't have to.
Oh, of course, we will help you decide.
We will do anything we can to help you.
Okay, now, I'd like to make a toast.
Okay.
To the future Mrs. Chandler Bing..
...my best friend and truly one of the nicest people that--
- Really not deciding. - Fine.
Excuse me, I-I couldn't help overhearing.
- You're marrying Chandler Bing? - Yeah, that's right.
Huh. Good luck.
Oh, and good luck to you too!
What a nice lady.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Yeah! - Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
- "Die Hard," still great. - Yeah.
Hey, what do you say we make it a double-feature?
What else did you rent?
"Die Hard 2."
Joey, this is "Die Hard 1" again.
Oh.
Well, we'll watch it a second time and it's "Die Hard 2."
- Joey, we just saw it. - And?
And it would be cool to see it again. Yeah!
(together) "Die Hard!"
Dude, you didn't say "Die Hard."
Is everything okay?
Yeah, I just got, uh, I got plans.
Well, John McClane had plans.
No, you see, the thing is, I wanna get out of here
before Joey gets all worked up
and starts calling everybody bitch.
What are you talkin' about, bitch?
[instrumental music]
- Hey, Rachel. - Yeah?
Um, when I get married
will you be my maid of honor?
Really?
Oh, my God, Phoebe. I mean, I'm just..
Wait a minute.
If I'm your maid of honor
that means that you are Monica's.
Oh.
- Well, if that's what you want. - Oh.
No way, Phoebe. I wanna be Monica's.
But why does it even matter?
Why does it matter so much to you?
Because this one is now.
And-and it's two of our best friends.
And who knows what you're gonna marry.
What-what if I marry Ross?
Or Joey?
[gasps]
You wouldn't.
Okay, look, Rachel.
I know you really wanna do this
but I've-I've never been maid of honor to anyone before.
And I know you've done it at least twice.
- Yeah, but Phoebe-- - And no, please, oh, please.
Please let me finish.
Oh, I guess that was it.
Okay.
Okay. It's you've.. Since you've never done it before
you can be Monica's maid of honor.
Oh, thank you so much.
Yay.
[sighs]
I'm gonna marry someone good, you know?
- Oh, I know. - Better than Chandler.
Oh. Pfft.
[instrumental music]
[screams]
- What happened? - I don't know.
We fell asleep. That is all.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Alright, well, uh, I'd better go.
Yeah, I think that would be best.
Yeah.
Alright, I'll talk to you later.
- Okay. But not about this. - No, never. Never!
- So, uh.. - Uh..
- Bye. - No touch. No touch.
[instrumental music]
Hey, you know, a weird thing happened today
when I was at brunch.
This woman overheard that I was marrying you
and-and she wished me good luck.
That's sweet.
No, it was more like a good luck.
So, uh, what did this woman look like?
She was, like, 30, dark hair, attractive.
Well, is there any chance you were looking into a bright
shiny thing called the mirror?
Come on. Was it someone maybe you dated in college?
No, no. I only dated two girls in college
both blond, both not attractive.
Hold on one second. Let me check this out.
- What are you doin'? - Well, let's see.
Okay, uh, is that her?
Oh, my God, yes. Who is she?
Julie Graff, my camp girlfriend.
Did you break up with her?
No, we're still together.
Well, yeah, we went out for two summers.
- And then, I broke up with her. - Why?
Well, 'cause she came back the third summer
and she'd gotten really fa-a-ah..
- Fat? - I did not say fat.
I said fa-a-a-ah.
You broke up with a girl because she was fat?
Yeah. Yeah.
But it was a really, really long time ago.
- Does she still feel bad? - Apparently, she does.
Well, you know what they say, elephants never forget.
Seriously, good luck marrying me.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, what's going on? - 'Uh, hey.'
Phoebe is gonna be Monica's maid of honor.
Hey, well, I hope it goes better than the last time
you did it for that girl downstairs, remember?
You have been maid of honor before?
You see, this is exactly why you shouldn't lie.
Alright. That's it. I am maid of honor.
- No, I-I am. - How come you are?
Because I cared enough to lie.
Hey, hey, hey. I could help you decide who should do it.
Yeah, we could have, like a, like an audition
and see how you'd handle maid-of-honor type situations.
What are you talkin' about?
Like, when I want a job, I go on audition
and if I'm the best of the people they see
they give me the part.
Okay, so after this audition
who decides who gets it?
Oh, uh, me and Ross could be the judges.
Well, it's better than us deciding.
Oh, come on. This is crazy.
- Can't we just flip a coin? - No, coins hate me.
Okay, fine. You know what?
We will let Ross and Joey decide.
Hi.
Ross, sweetie.
Hey there, handsome thing.
Wow, this cologne really is every bit as good as Giorgio.
Hey.
Just, uh, brought back your videos.
Alright. Uh, hey, uh, Ross. Look, uh
I think we need to talk about before.
No. No, we don't.
Yes, we do.
Now, look. That was the best nap I ever had.
I don't-I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, admit it.
That was the best nap you ever had.
I've had better.
Okay. When?
Alright. Alright! It was the best nap ever!
- Ah! - I said it, okay?
But it's over, Joey!
I wanna do it again.
We can't do it again.
- Why not? - Because it's weird!
Fine.
You want somethin' to drink?
- Sure. What do you got? - Warm milk and Excedrin PM.
[instrumental music]
Chandler.
Chandler, I just figured out who you are.
(Chandler) 'Can you figure out what I'm doing?'
- You're Louis Posen. - 'Who?'
Louis Posen. He was my best friend in fifth grade.
And-and then, one day, I asked him to be my boyfriend
and he said no.
Do you know why?
'Because you kept talking to him while'
'he was trying to go to the bathroom?'
No, but because he thought I was too fa-a-ah..
And every time I think about it
it makes me feel as bad as I did in fifth grade.
You know, I-I really think that you should apologize to Julie.
Honey, are you kidding? That was like 16 years ago.
I know, but you know, it would make me feel better
if Louis apologized to me.
Okay. I will do it. But I have to warn you
this may make me a better person.
And that is not the man you fell in love with.
Okay, alright. This is how it's gonna work.
We're gonna give you hypothetical
maid-of-honor situations and you'll be scored
on a scale of one to ten.
- One being the highest. - No, ten is the highest.
- Why is ten the highest? - Because it's the highest.
Okay, Rachel, you're up first.
(Ross) 'Situation number one, you're with Monica.'
The wedding is about to start when Monica gets cold feet. Go!
- I don't wanna marry Chandler. - Okay, um..
- I've got cold feet. - It's gonna be okay.
One man the rest of my life? I don't know if I can do it.
This means I'll never get to sleep with Joey.
Look, Monica
getting cold feet is very common, you know.
It-it's just because of all the anticipation.
And you just have to remember that you love Chandler.
And also, I ran out on a wedding.
You don't get to keep the gifts.
Very good. Drawing on your own experience. I like that.
- Thanks. - Very good.
Yes, very nice, Rachel.
Thank you, judges.
- Urgh. Kiss ass. - Oh.
- Okay, Phoebe. - Yes, Your Honor.
(Joey) 'We're now in the ceremony.'
Monica is about to say, I do
when her drunk uncle starts yelling.
What do you do? Go!
When Monica was a little girl
I remember that..
[yells]
Aw!
- Very good! - Oh.
Yes, excellent. Perfect score.
Wait a minute! She just made a scene
in the middle of the ceremony.
Hey, you want a little taste of Pheebs?
It is time for you to give your maid-of-honor speech.
Oh, wait a minute. We haven't even prepared--
- Go! - Okay, okay, okay.
Um, uh, Webster's Dictionary defines marriage as..
Okay, no! Forget that. That sucks!
Okay, never mind. Forget it.
Um, um, okay, uh
I-I met Monica
I met Monica when we were just a couple of six-year-olds.
And, uh, became friends
with Chandler when he was 25.
Although he seemed like a six-year-old.
Oh.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Um..
I've known them separately and I've known them together.
And-and to know them as a couple
is to know that you are truly in the presence of love.
So I would like to raise my glass
to Monica and Chandler and the beautiful adventure
they are about to embark upon together.
I can think of no two people better prepared for the journey.
Wow.
- Great speech. - Yeah, it really was.
Oh, thanks.
(Ross) 'Okay, Phoebe, I guess you're next.'
Although I really don't see the point.
Okay.
I can't believe that Monica and Chandler
are getting married.
I remember talking about this day with Rachel
while we were showering together, naked.
And she's back in the game.
[instrumental music]
Julie. Hi. Chandler Bing.
I-I guess you remember me.
Hello, skidmark.
It's a nickname. I'll explain later.
It's pretty clear.
Uh, I owe you a long, overdue apology.
I never should have broken up with you
because you were overweight.
That's why you broke up with me?
You-you didn't know that?
Well, I guess my work here is done.
[instrumental music]
Well, first of all, I would like to say
that you both performed very well, okay?
You should be proud of yourselves.
And-and I'd also like to say that in this competition
there are no losers.
Well, except Rachel. Dammit!
- Really? I won. - What?
I'm sorry, Rach, it was-it was really close.
Well, then I demand a recount.
Actually, it wasn't that close.
No! You know what? No, no.
Your thing was so stupid anyway. This is ridi..
We're gonna flip a coin, alright?
Heads!
[yells]
What? The coins have finally forgiven me.
Well, you know what? I hope Monica forgives you
after you throw her-her
vegetarian, voodoo, goddess
circley shower!
Rach, it's gonna be okay.
You guys are the best!
Boy, I tell you.
That judging stuff took a lot out of me.
- Yeah? - 'Yeah.'
Thinking about maybe goin' upstairs
and taking a little nap on my couch.
Why-why would I care about that?
No reason. I'm just saying that, uh..
...that's where I'll be.
[instrumental music]
As bad as that went, I actually enjoyed myself.
I think that I'm gonna apologize
for all the stupid things that I do.
Why don't you just stop doing stupid things?
Then, you wouldn't have to apologize.
I'd really love it if I could do both.
Alright, I-I have to ask.
What?
Are you gonna break up with me if I get fat again?
What?
Well, you broke up with Julie Graff.
How much weight could she have gained?
A hundred and forty-five pounds.
In one year?
My God, what did she eat? Her-her family?
Well, that's not the point.
Look, I know it was a stupid reason
to break up with somebody but I was 15.
Yeah, well.
That's not the only time this was an issue.
You remember when, um, you spent Thanksgiving with us?
You called me fat.
Okay, okay. Now, wait a minute.
That-that was totally different.
How?
You were not supposed to hear that.
I said that behind your back.
What if I have babies, okay?
I mean, I'm gonna look different.
I'm okay with that, but I'm not sure that you are.
Look, you have to realize I don't think of you
as a thin, beautiful woman.
See, this is one of the things that I can apologize for later.
Look, what I mean is, you're Monica.
Okay? And I am in love with Monica.
Keep goin'.
So you can balloon up
or you can shrink down
and I will still love you.
Even if I shrink down to two inches tall?
I'd carry you around in my pocket.
[chuckles]
I love you.
Skidmark still got a way with the ladies.
[instrumental music]
Hi, Pheebs.
- Hi. - Hi.
I just wanna apologize.
I'm really sorry I was a baby.
That's ridiculous.
Rachel, we were all babies once.
Oh, you mean today. Yeah.
Yeah, and you know, you-you deserve to win.
And-and, you know, I was thinking about it.
If-if you're Monica's maid of honor
that means that I get to be yours.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Oh. Um, when, uh, when Monica and Chandler got engaged
I started puttin' some stuff together.
- You know, just in case. - Oh, that's so sweet. Thanks.
Here is a book of poetry that I know Monica loves.
And, uh, oh, God, this is funny. Look.
Here's a picture from one Halloween
when she dressed up as a bride.
And, look, she made me carry her train
which was weird because I was Wonder Woman.
Oh, and here's a little purse that I found.
You know, I just thought they could maybe
hold the rings in there.
- Oh. - Something.
And, um, Vintage Handkerchiefs, you know
'cause people cry at weddings.
I'm just gonna grab a couple of these.
This stuff is great.
Oh, I forgot this was in here.
Um, this was the garter that
I was saving for my wedding.
And I wanted it to be Monica's something borrowed.
And it's blue.
Yeah.
You know, Rach, I think that..
I think you should be Monica's maid of honor.
You do? Why?
'Cause I think it means more to you.
But, Pheebs, honey, you earned it.
It's fine. I mean, this is something
that you've been thinking about since you were, what, 14?
No, I was ten. I just developed early.
Man alive!
- Hey, what's going on? - Well.
We just decided that Rachel is going to be your maid of honor.
[gasps] Oh, that's great.
Oh, wow. Okay, we really have to start planning.
I-I have a lot of really specific ideas.
We should probably get together like four times a week.
You can come over to my place, we'll get together before work.
Uh, what do you say, 6:30, my place? So excited!
Yeah, okay. You laugh now.
She's gonna be yours.
[instrumental music]
[sniffles]
Great nap.
It really was.
[clears throat]
Dude, what the hell are you doing?
God!
Excuse me.
[theme music]