- Hey. - What's the matter?
Somebody on the subway licked my neck.
Licked my neck!
Whoa! Willy's still alive.
- What are you guys doin'? - Oh, my mom called.
They're gonna run our engagement announcement
in the local paper, so I'm looking
for a good picture of us.
Ooh, I'm afraid that does not exist.
That's not true, there are great pictures of us.
No, there are great pictures of you
standing next to a guy who's going like this.
Oh, my God, that's the creep that
you're with at the Statue of Liberty.
I don't know what it is. I just can't take a good picture.
Huh, here's a great one.
Yeah. I'm not in that.
I know, but look at me, all tan.
Hey, why don't you guys go get portraits done
by a professional photographer?
That's a great idea.
I bet they have one of those wind machines
you know, like..
Yeah, that's great, next to that
Chandler won't look so stupid.
Chandler, what do you say?
Alright, but I should warn you
I'm not going. I'm going.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪
Dude, that reverse lay-up, oh.
And how about those three-pointers?
Amazing.
And those guys were this close
to letting us play this time too.
Hey, look, look, Phoebe's talking to, uh
'cute coffee house guy.'
Oh, you guys call him cute coffee house guy?
We call him, hums while he pees.
Yes, and we call Ross
lingers in the bathroom.
Hey, you guys.
Hums while he pees just asked me out.
Wait, I thought that guy was married.
He is, but he's getting divorced.
Ross, maybe you know him.
It's not a club.
Phoebe, if this guy's going through a divorce
is it such a good idea to start going out with him?
Hey, divorced men are not bad men.
They have that on the napkins at the club.
Oh, I got to get back to work.
You don't have to be back for a half hour.
Yeah, but my assistant Tag does sit-ups
in the office during lunch, huh.
Oh, I could just spread him on a cracker.
Rach, if you have a crush on this guy
why would you hire him, I mean
you know can't date him, right?
Oh, no, I know that, I know that.
Although we-we made a joke, though
that we spend so much time together
he should call me his work wife.
Soon he'll be able to call you
that lady he knew that got fired.
I'm not gonna get fired
because I'm not gonna act on it.
So then, you wouldn't mind if he was dating someone else?
Why? Is he? He is, isn't he?
He's dating that slut in marketing.
Maybe I should open a divorced men's club.
Dude, that's so sad.
I can put, a-a basketball court in the back.
Could I play?
[instrumental music]
Oh. No-no sit-ups today, Tag?
- I just did them. - Oh, well.
Drop and give me ten more.
What?
I-I had a drink with lunch.
Did those, um..
Did those cost reports come in?
Yeah. I filled them out last night.
Oh, great, could you make me four copies of those?
- Sure. - Great. Thank you.
Mmm.
Huh.
Oh.
- Hey, Rachel. - Oh, hi.
Hi, Melissa, what's up? I'm just, uh
just about to, uh, go out to the store
get some stuff to put in my backpack.
You know, like, dried fruit and granola
and stuff like that.
Um, what's up?
- Is Tag here? - No. Why?
Oh, well, I was gonna talk to him about doing
something tonight.
Really?
You got a little crush on Tag there, do ya?
Well, we've been flirting back and forth
but I was hoping that tonight it would turn
into something a little more than that.
Oh, okay. Whoa, whoa, easy there, Melissa.
This ain't a locker room, okay?
But, you know, I remember him saying
that-that he had plans tonight.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yeah.
Alright, back to work.
Hey, isn't that Tag's backpack?
Yeah. Melissa, you know, I don't want to be known
as the, uh, office bitch
but I will call your supervisor.
[instrumental music]
Great. That's great, Monica.
Great.
Now, Chandler, you want to give us a smile?
Okay.
I'm sorry, is the seat uncomfortable?
No. I am.
Chandler, see, now, sweetie, I know you can do this, okay?
You have a beautiful smile.
- I do? - Yeah.
Alright, maybe you don't have to smile.
Let's try something else, let's try, um
try looking sexy.
Okay.
Or not.
[instrumental music]
Hi, Joey! What are you doin' here?
Uh, well, I got an audition down the street
and I spilled sauce all over the front of my shirt.
- You got an extra one? - Yeah, sure.
Uh.
Here.
Great.
You got anything that's not Ralph Lauren?
Yeah, I-I don't think so, Joe.
Alright, I guess this'll be fine.
Hey, listen, uh, what-what are you doing tonight?
Nothing. Why?
How would you feel about taking out my assistant, Tag?
I'll pay.
Huh, Rach, I gotta say
it's gonna take a lot of money for me
to go out on a date with a dude.
I'm not asking you to go
on a date with him.
Really? 'Cause I could kind of use the money.
Joey, just-just, he-he's new in town
and I know he doesn't have any guy friends.
Just take him to, like, a ballgame or somethin'.
- I'd really appreciate it. - Yeah, okay. Sure, no problem.
- Okay. Thank you. - Ooh! Hey, doughnuts.
'Yeah.'
Okay.
I know, let's try a look
of far-off wonderment, okay?
We'll-we'll gaze into our future
and we'll think about our marriage
and the days to come.
Chandler, what is the matter with your face?
Like, this picture is supposed to say
Geller and Bing to be married
not local woman saves drowning moron.
[laughs]
'Hey, don't laugh at him.'
He's my drowning moron.
- Aw. - That's it! That's it!
Take it, take it.
[instrumental music]
I like this one, it seems to say
I love you, and that's why I have to kill you.
They can't all be bad.
Find the one where you make your bedroom eyes.
Oh, there it is.
Oh, my God, those are my bedroom eyes?
Why did you ever sleep with me?
Do you really want to pull at that thread?
I'm having a really good time.
Me too.
Sorry that guy on the subway licked your neck.
Oh, no, that's okay. He's a friend.
Hey, uh, I don't mean to be presumptuous
but I have these two tickets to the Ballroom Dancing Finals
tomorrow night if you want to go.
Yeah, I..
Well, you know, I-I mean, I missed the semifinals
so I think I would just be lost.
Look, I know that it's really lame
but I got these tickets from my boss, and..
Oh, no, no, no. My God.
Okay, don't freak out. I'll go.
'No, it's..'
My ex-wife Whitney is out there.
I cannot deal with her, right now.
That woman is crazy.
Okay, I know. Hold on.
- Hey, Ross. - Yeah.
Yeah, um, that's Whitney
Kyle's ex-wife, out there.
Now, do you think you could, you know
divert her so we could slip out?
- What? No. - Well, okay.
But I have two tickets to the Ballroom Dance Finals.
Look, I don't think so, Pheebs.
Uh, ugh..
[sighs] Alright, I'll do it.
But just because you're a friend.
Okay.
[instrumental music]
[screams]
Hi, Ginger.
Alright, I want my key back.
- I don't have it. - It's right there.
Urgh, okay, Sherlock.
Alright, I'm sorry, but y-you'd better go, Pheebs.
Alright, well, I just wanted to say thank you
though for diverting Kyle's ex.
Oh, yeah, no, you're welcome.
Well, we'll talk about it later.
Okay.
- Hi, Whitney. - Hi, Ross.
Are you ready for breakfast?
Yep. Ooh.
Kyle's ex-wife, you were supposed to divert her
not date her.
I am sorry, can you give me a second
while I talk to this woman
uh, who, by the way, did not spend the night?
- Sure. - Okay.
I did divert her, and we ended up havin' a great time, okay?
- Watching Ballroom Dancing? - Yes.
That's where we realized we were both supercool people.
Look, look, okay, Ross.
Kyle just told me some really bad stuff about her.
- Like, like what? - Like she's really mean.
And she's overly critical, and-and
no, she will paint a room a really bright color
without even checking with you.
Okay.
And she uses sex as a weapon.
Fine. Thank you, for warning me.
At breakfast, I'll be on full alert
for room painting and sex weapons.
You're still gonna go out with her?
Yeah!
Well, didn't you hear what I just said?
Pheebs, come on.
I mean, consider the source.
Of course her ex-husband's gonna say that stuff.
Now, if you'll excuse me--
No, listen to me! She is crazy!
(Whitney) 'Uh, your door isn't soundproof.'
You see? Nothing is good enough for her.
[instrumental music]
- Morning. - Hi, Tag!
Hey, so did you have fun with, uh, with Joey last night?
Oh, yeah. We went to the Knicks game.
Oh, that's nice.
Then, we went out to this bar
and he hooked us up with all these women.
W-women?
You mean, like, like, old women?
Well, kind of old, like, 30.
And I never used to able to just talk to girls in bars
but I got, like, 20 phone numbers last night.
Oh, that's great!
Oh, man, so Joey must have really
taught you some stuff, huh?
- A little. - Yeah.
[imitating Joey] How you doin'?
[instrumental music]
(Joey) See, that's a great smile.
Easy, natural.
Now, pretend I have a camera.
- You're changin' it. - I can't help it.
Alright, alright, alright.
You want to know what I do when I take resume shots?
Borrow money from me?
[chuckles] Yeah.
Okay, first-first of all
you wanna make it look spontaneous, right?
Okay, so here's what I do.
I look down
look down, keep looking down
then, I look up.
See? Alright, now you try.
Look down you're looking down
keep looking down..
Why is there jelly on your shoe?
- I had a doughnut. - Oh.
- Hi. - Hey.
Hey, so, uh, I heard you had some fun
with Tag last night.
Yeah, that guy's alright.
Yeah, and you had fun teaching him to be all Joey.
- What? - You know, all the women.
Hey, buddy, you can't teach someone to be good with women.
You know, that's why I never had any luck with Chandler.
I'm right here.
Alright, well, would you mind just not
going out with him again?
Okay, just the idea of you and he
and all these women and it just..
And I know he's my assistant and I can't date him
ba-la-la, but I just.. It just bothers me, alright?
Hey, no, no, no.
You can't take him away from me.
I got a great partner to pick up girls with, finally!
I'm still right here!
Alright, will you-will you at least talk to him
and tell him how hollow and unsatisfying
this dating tons of women thing is?
What?
I just don't want him to meet anybody
until I'm over my crush.
And I will get over it.
It's-it's not like I love him.
It's just physical.
But, you know, I mean I get crushes like this all the time.
I mean, hell, I had a crush on you when I first met you.
I know. Monica told me.
Did you have a crush on me when you first met me?
Yeah, sure.
Can you people not see me?
- So will you talk to him? - I don't know, Rach.
Oh, come on. I'll give you ten free Ralph Lauren shirts.
One. No, ten. You said ten.
You can't take that back.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Joey. You wanted to talk to me?
I don't know. You, uh, you got something for me?
Oh, yeah, this is from Rachel.
Ten. Okay.
Now, Tag, there's such a thing as too many women.
- Really? - Yeah, for you.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, there you are. - There I am.
You okay?
Yeah, Joey said I, uh, I needed to relax
so he gave me an antihistamine.
What?
Yeah, then, I fell asleep on the subway
and went all the way to Brooklyn.
Brooklyn is f-far.
Chandler, what were you thinking?
No, no, but don't worry, don't worry
because I know how to take a picture now.
Okay, see?
Look down..
- Chandler? - Yeah!
- Hi. - Hi.
So how are things going with crazy?
Has she cooked your rabbit yet?
Listen, you are hearing one side of the story, okay?
And FYI, she must have shown Kyle
over 30 paint samples
before she painted that room.
And his response to each one was
"I don't give a tiny rat's ass."
Yeah, well, maybe she should have spent
a little less time decorating
and a little more time in the bedroom.
Well, I don't think we are gonna have that problem
but maybe that's just because
I am not emotionally unavailable.
You think he's emotionally unavailable?
I think he can be.
Well, maybe he wouldn't be if she didn't bring
the office home with her every night.
Well, excuse her for knowing
what she wants to do with her life.
Yeah, well, she certainly knew what she was doing
New Year's Eve 1997.
I knew you were gonna throw that in my face!
That was three years ago.
She apologized and apologized.
What more do you want?
We want the last six years back!
So do we! So do we!
I'm sorry you had to see that.
[instrumental music]
- Morning, Rachel. - Hi.
Hey, so, uh, what'd you do last night?
- Went out with Joey. - Oh, yeah?
Another night of bird-dogging the chicas?
No. We had a really good talk.
I don't think I'm gonna do that bar scene anymore.
Wow. I did not see that coming.
It's just not really who I am.
You know, I've always been happier when..
Why am I telling you this?
You don't care about this stuff.
Oh, yes, I-I do, I do.
I mean, uh, come on, go on.
You were-you were saying, I am happier when I'm, you know..
When I'm in a relationship.
I love having a girlfriend.
- Really? - Yeah.
Someone I can spoil, you know?
- S-spoil? - Uh-huh.
Let me ask you something.
Uh-huh.
Do you believe there's one perfect person for everyone?
Well, I-I'm starting to.
And if that person's already in your life
you should do something about it, right?
Yes. Hell, yes.
- Alright, then, it's settled. - Okay.
I'm getting back together with my ex-girlfriend.
I would love to.
What?
Hello?
Oh, yeah, this is gonna be a while.
Excuse me.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah!
[instrumental music]
[clanking]
My God!
Oh, I'm sorry. Is that annoying?
Oh, and speaking of being selfish in bed, how's Whitney?
Well, maybe she wouldn't have to be selfish in bed
if someone else knew where everything was.
Oh, he knows.
For the most part.
Oh, hey.
Good, you're both here.
We kinda need to talk.
Both of you together?
Well, what's up?
Well, I went over to Kyle's last night
to pick up a few things
and we got to reminiscing.
(Kyle) 'We talked through most of the night'
'and we realized that the reason'
'we're so angry with each other'
is because there's still feelings there.
So..
Oh, just say it, Kyle!
We're gonna give it another try.
What about her whining
and her constant need for attention?
I'm gonna work on that.
Oh, right, 'cause you're so capable of change.
You know, he hums when he pees.
I do know.
Makes him miss the bowl, but whatever.
We're so sorry.
That's alright. We-we don't need you, alright?
In fact, hey, I'm over it already.
Yeah, and you know what? I don't even give a tiny rat's ass.
- Yeah. We're gonna go. - Yeah.
I'm sorry.
[grunts]
Pheebs, you were-you were right about her.
You know, she did try to use sex as a weapon.
- And I hurt my back a little. - Ooh.
You know, he hums while he does other stuff too.
Yeah, we're-we're better off without them.
Huh.
And you know even if they break up again
you better not let him in your Sad Men's Club.
Divorced Men's Club.
Potato, potahto.
[instrumental music]
Hey, guys, check it out.
My mom sent me the paper.
- Ooh, let's see it. - Oh.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, that looks good.
You guys make a very attractive couple.
Yeah, we look great together.
We really do.
Okay.
Wow, imagine what our kids would look like.
You know, we don't have to imagine.
I'm marrying her.
We'll just see.
[theme music]