[instrumental music]
- Hey. - 'Hi.'
Who wants French toast?
- Oh, I'll have some. - Me, too.
Eggs and milk in the fridge. Thanks.
- Ow! - Oh, what's the matter, honey?
Well, my hand feels weird.
I guess it's because I'm engaged!
[laughing]
How long before that starts getting annoying?
Starts?
Yeah, so, let's actually get started on the wedding plans.
- Okay. - Already?
Yeah, we got a lot to do.
We got to think about flowers
the caterers, the music.
Oh, I got some thoughts on the music.
Oh, Chandler, too many cooks.
Take it from me, as the groom all you have to do
is show up and try to say the right name.
Okay.
What in God's name is that?
Oh, my God. The wedding book?
I haven't seen that since the fourth grade.
(Monica) This baby has got everything.
Take...you know, locations, for instance.
First organized alphabetically
then geographically
then...by square footage.
That is so smart.
[scoffs] Break it off.
[coughs] Break it off now.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
And that should conclusively prove
that I had the idea for "Jurassic Park" first.
- Now, let's take a look-- - Hey, Ross.
Phoebe, oh, my God. Wha-wha-what are you doing here?
I need to talk to you. It's pretty urgent.
It's about Monica and Chandler.
Oh, my God. Uh...of course.
Uh, would you please excuse me for a moment?
[chuckles] Uh...do you know
each other's hometowns? Why don't you..
Wh-what's going on?
Well, um, not much, but I was just thinking
that since those guys just got engaged
that maybe it'd be nice if they had some privacy, you know?
So, could I just move in with you
for a couple days?
Um...okay. Yeah, sure.
But, why, what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Nothing. Why?
Phoebe, you said it was urgent.
Oh, yeah, it is. I'm going to the movies.
And it starts in, like, five minutes.
Do you realize..
...I have a classroom full of students?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude.
Does anyone want to come to the movies?
[instrumental music]
Alright, so I haven't cleared the budget with my parents yet
but tell me how this is for music.
- Okay. - Alright, umm.
A string quartet for the processional.
- Yeah. - A jazz trio for cocktails.
The Bay City Rollers for dancing...wait.
[chuckles] That was for my sixth-grade wedding.
Well, you couldn't get them, anyway.
I mean, Ian doesn't even play anymore and Derek..
Well, Derek is a name I shouldn't know.
Hey, Mon, do you have another pillow?
You know, something a little snugglier?
Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?
- Ah, the duck. - What? The duck?
What the hell did the damn duck do now?
Uh, well, he did not..
...get sick somewhere in there
and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up.
(Chandler) Now, do I get to look at this book
or is it just for people who are actually
involved in the wedding?
Of course, you can look at it.
Yeah, I want your opinion, too.
- Okay. - Here we go.
What do you think about centerpieces?
- Centerpieces! - Yeah.
Roses or lilies?
Definitely roses.
Well, I just think they're a little bit
more weddingy, you know.
But, lilies are the clear choice.
[chuckling] Oh, my God. It's like one mind.
Uh-huh.
Guys, guys!
You got to let me nap.
I'm, uh, I'm going to get cranky.
Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall.
Yes, it is...perfectly good..
...and it is not one of the places the duck got sick.
What?
Alright, I'm gonna go.
Yeah, Joey, what did the duck do?
I don't know, but he did not eat your face cream.
Hey, little buddy.
How you feeling? A-a-ah!
What the hell is in that face cream?
That's so soft.
Pillowcases.
[chuckles]
[sighing]
What the..
"Zelda looked at the chimney sweep.
Her father, the vicar.."
Vicar?
Hmm.
"...wouldn't be home for hours.
"Her loins were burning.
"She threw caution to the wind
and reached out and grabbed his..."
Whoa!
Who-ho-ho-oa!
This is a dirty book.
[mellow music]
[keys clanking]
[door opens]
Uh, Phoebe?
Oh, Ross, hi.
Phoebe, what are you doing?
I'm sorry. I'm with a client right now.
- Phoebe! - Okay, let's talk outside.
Phoebe, you can't massage people in my apartment.
What's the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler's.
And they knew about it?
Okay, look, Ross, what is this really about?
Look, this is my home.
And I wanna be able to come and go whenever I want.
Okay, I will find someplace else
to do the rest of my appointments.
I just don't know what the big deal is?
The big deal is, I don't want naked, greasy strangers
in my apartment when I want to kick back with a puzzle..
...beer, cold beer.
[instrumental music]
Hey, Joey. What are you doing?
Sweeping.
Why? Does it turn you on?
No.
Hmm.
What if I was, uh, sweeping a chimney?
Joey, did you eat my face cream?
Where you going? The vicar won't be home for hours.
Joey..
...where did you learn that word?
Where do you think...Zelda?
[gasping]
You found my book?
Yeah, I did!
Joey, what.. What are you doing going into my bedroom?
Okay, look, I'm sorry. I went in there to take a nap.
And I know I shouldn't have, but you got porn.
'Oh!'
You, hey, you know what? I don't care.
I'm not ashamed of my book.
There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a little..
...erotica.
It's just a healthy
expression of female sexuality
which, by the way, is something that you will never understand.
[chuckling] You got porn.
[instrumental music]
[grunts]
[knock on door]
Hello.
Hi. Is, uh, Phoebe here?
Uh, no, no. She's-she's out for the night.
Oh, great.
[chuckles] Can I, can I help you with something?
Oh, I don't know. Are you a masseur?
Yes, I am.
Great.
Dad?
Thank you so much.
I'll be back to pick him up in an hour.
[instrumental music]
So, Chandler, your parents must have been thrilled
when you told them you were engaged.
Oh, yeah, I should probably call them.
I remember when we first got engaged.
Oh, I don't think I've ever heard that story.
Oh, dad, really, you don't need--
Well, I had gotten Judy pregnant.
I still don't know how that happened.
You don't know how that happened?
Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.
What a sweet story.
Well, at least you're not hearing it for the first time
at your fifth-grade Halloween party.
What? They wanted a scary story.
[chuckles]
Anyway, we're really excited about our wedding plans
and I guess pretty soon we'll be making a big withdrawal
from the Monica wedding fund.
[chuckles]
- What? - You tell her, Jack.
- I can't do it. - What happened?
You still have the Monica wedding fund, don't you?
We have it.
Only now we call it the beach house.
[instrumental music]
I can't believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house!
We're sorry, honey, but we just assumed
if you got married after you turned 30
you'd pay for it yourself.
You bought the beach house when I was 23.
Which means you had seven years of beach fun
and you can't put a price on that, sweetie.
We really do feel bad about this, though.
We started saving again when you were dating Richard
but then that went to hell, so we re-did the kitchen.
What about when I started dating Chandler?
Well, it was Chandler. We didn't think he'd ever propose.
Clearly, I did not start drinking enough
at the start of the meal.
I can't believe it, that there is no money for my wedding?
We might still have some money if your father hadn't thought
it was a good idea to sell ice over the internet.
It seemed like such a simple idea.
Stupid, Jack. The word is stupid.
Alright, enough. I don't wanna hear about it anymore.
Good luck, Chandler.
[mellow music]
[mouthing]
Okay.
Now, I'm going to..
...touch you.
Oh, that's soft.
[music continues]
I can't believe this.
'I mean, do you think that your parents can help pay for it?'
I don't know.
My mother spent most of her money
on...her fourth wedding
and she's saving the rest for her divorce.
And any extra cash my father has
he saves for his yearly trips to..
...Dollywood.
Well, what happened at dinner?
My parents spent the money for our wedding.
[gasps] My God!
What did you order?
Wait, but...there's no money?
Well, this is terrible!
You guys are gonna have to get married in, like
a...Rec Center.
- Honey, it's gonna be okay. - No, no, it's not.
It's not gonna be okay. It sucks!
No swing band, no lilies..
No, you know what? It's gonna be okay.
I mean, you don't need to have this..
...rustic Italian feast, you know?
And, and you don't need this
custom-made, empire-waisted
duchess...satin gown.
You can wear off-the-rack.
Look, it really is gonna be okay.
The important thing is that we love each other
and that we're gonna get married.
Do you even understand what off-the-rack means?
Look, why don't you just pay for it yourself?
How? I don't have any money.
- Well, I have some. - How much?
Well, close to..
Oh!
Wow! Are you kidding me?
Well, what? How, how much is it?
It's enough for wedding scenario A.
[gasps] Really?
How great are you, you little saver!
I mean, the, the amount you have is exactly
the budget of my dream wedding.
Oh! You guys are so made for each other.
Well, you're not suggesting that we spend
all of the money on the wedding?
- Uh, yeah! - Uh, yeah!
Look...Mon, I've been saving this money for six years
and I kind of had some of it earmarked for the future
not just for...a party.
Wow! Hello, Mr. Chandler.
Sweetie, this is the most special day of our lives.
No, I realize that, honey, but I'm not gonna spend
all the money on one party.
Honey, um, I, I love you..
[giggles] ...but, um
if you call our wedding a party one more time
you may not get invited, okay?
Listen..
...we can always earn more money, okay
but we're only going to get married once.
Look, I understand but I have to put my foot down, okay?
The answer is no.
You, you're gonna have to put your foot down?
Yes...I am.
Wow! Money and a firm hand.
Finally, a Chandler I can get on board with.
[instrumental music]
Hi, Rach.
Joey.
Hey, Rach.
[sniffs] Do you smell smoke?
Uh-huh, I get it, smoke, chimney
chimney sweep, very funny.
Ha ha.
No, no, no. I'm serious.
[sniffs] You don't smell it?
Something's on fire.
No, I don't, I don't smell anything.
Oh, you know what?
It's probably just your burnin' loins.
[laughing]
Hey, what are you guys.. What are you guys talking about?
Nothing.
Hmm. Dang, this coffee's cold.
Hey, Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins?
[laughing]
You know, I cannot believe
you told him. Joey..
So, I guess you bought that book after we broke up, huh?
Uh-huh, yeah, I did because I wore out
my first copy when I was with you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, well, uh..
When we were going out I read tons of porno magazines!
'Sup?
Ross, how could you do that to an old man?
Excuse me, ladies.
I'm sorry?
My massage client, Arthur?
His daughter called and said that some guy that worked for me
gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
I gave him an extremely professional massage.
He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
Well, okay, so it wasn't, a-a traditional massage.
But, I did give him acupressure with a pair of chopsticks.
And.. And, I gently
exfoliated him with, with a mop.
Well, he's never coming back, okay?
You just cost me $80 a week!
Hey, you know what? This is your fault.
You're the one who didn't move his, his appointment.
'Oh, it's my fault?'
You didn't have to massage him.
You could've sent him away.
You could've not rolled Tonka trucks
up and down his back!
He said he liked that!
Oh, you're right, you're right.
I'm sorry.
Dude.. What are you massaging an old man for?
His daughter was hot.
Gotcha!
[instrumental music]
Hey.
Listen, um.
I've been thinking and..
...it's not fair for me to ask you
to spend all of your money on our wedding.
I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
- Yeah. - Well, you worked for that.
Look, I've thought about it, too
and...I'm sorry.
I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
You do?
Yeah, I'm...putting my foot down.
[chuckles]
Yeah, look.
When I proposed, I told you
that I would do anything to make you happy.
And if having the perfect wedding makes you happy
then...then that's what we're gonna do.
You are so sweet.
Oh, but wait.
What about.. What about the future and stuff?
Ah, forget about the future and stuff.
So, we'll only have two kids.
You know, we'll pick our favorite
and that one will get to go to college.
[chuckles] I mean, you've thought about that?
Yeah.
How many kids were we gonna have?
Uh, four, a boy..
...twin girls and another boy.
What else did you think about?
Well...stuff like where we'd live.
You know, like a...small place
outside the city where our kids could learn
to ride their bikes and stuff.
You know, we could have a cat
that had a bell on its collar
and we could hear it every time
it ran through the little kitty door.
Of course, we'd have an apartment over the garage
where Joey could grow old.
You know what?
I, I don't, I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
- Sure you do. - 'No.'
I want everything that you've just said.
I want a marriage.
- You sure? - Mm-hmm.
I love you so much.
[chuckles] I love you.
Hey, listen, um..
...when you were talking about our future
[chuckles] when you said cat, but you meant dog, right?
[chuckles] Yeah, totally.
[chuckling] Oh, good.
[instrumental music]
Hello, Zelda.
Who are you supposed to be?
The vicar!
Do you even know what a vicar is?
It's like a goalie, right?
Yeah.
'Look, Joey, it's enough, alright?'
You keep making these stupid jokes
and these sleazy innuendoes
and it's, I'm not, it's just not funny anymore!
Alright, I'm sorry. Wait, Rach, I'm sorry.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Or, maybe I can make it up to you by..
...taking you roughly in the barn.
Ah!
Alright, you know what? That's it.
You wanna do it? Let's do it.
Huh?
That's right.
I wanna do it with you.
Been trying to fight it.
But, you've just said all the right things.
- Oh, I-I-I did? - Yeah.
Oh, I've been waiting so long to get on that body.
- This body? - Yeah, that's right.
Come on, Joey. Sex me up.
Hey, hey, you're starting to sound like
the butcher's wife there in, in chapter seven.
Oh, come on, now. Don't keep me waiting.
Get those clothes off.
But, I would keep that helmet on
'cause you're in for a rough ride!
I don't want to. I'm scared.
[theme music]