Do you realize this is probably
the last time we're all gonna be here
in the coffee house as six, single people.
Why, what's happening to the coffee house?
Oh, okay.
Yep, from now on
it's gonna be the four of you guys
and me and the missus.
The little woman, the wife
the old ball and chain.
- Old? - The young, hot ball and chain.
That's much better.
Oh, we got to go.
W-where are you guys going?
We're gonna pick up the wedding dress
then we're going to have lunch with mom.
Joey, you're, you're having lunch with my mom?
No, I-I just heard "lunch".
But, yeah, I can go, sure.
You know, actually, I'm kind of glad they're leaving
'cause, uh..
...I need to talk to you about something.
- What's up? - Well, this, uh..
This may be a little awkward--
Listen, if you want to borrow money
it's kind of a bad time.
I'm buying dinner for a 128 people tomorrow night.
No, it's not that.
Um, now, what I'm going to say to you
I'm, I'm not saying as your friend, okay?
I'm, I'm saying it as Monica's older brother.
But you're still my friend.
Not for the next few minutes.
During this time, are you, are you still my best man?
Nope.
Do I still call you Ross?
Okay..
[clearing throat]
You guys are getting married tomorrow
and, and I couldn't be more thrilled for both of you.
But as Monica's older brother
I-I have to tell you this.
If you ever hurt my little sister..
...if you ever..
...cause her any unhappiness of any kind
I will hunt you down
and kick your ass.
What? I'm, I'm serious.
Hey, dude, stop it, okay?
I'm-I'm not kidding here.
Hey, I hear what you're saying, okay?
And thanks for the warning.
No problem.
So are we...friends again?
- Yeah. - Okay.
You won't believe what Monica's older brother just said to me.
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week ♪
♪ Your month or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too ♪
Whatcha doing, Mon?
I'm making a list of all the things
that are most likely to go wrong at the wedding.
You know, that way I can be prepared.
Mm-hmm. What are they?
Well, uh, so far, I have, uh..
..."My bridesmaids' dresses won't get picked up
"my veil gets lost
or I don't have my something blue."
Hey, those are all the things that I'm responsible for.
I had to go with the odds, Rach.
- Hey, you guys! - Hey.
Remember that audition I had a while ago
and I didn't get the part?
- The commercial? - No.
- That play? - No.
- That other play? - No.
- The movie? - Yes!
Oh, with the one about the pilot
and his dog who flies planes.
No, no, but, man, that one hurt. Yeah.
No, this is the one about the soldiers
who fight in World War I.
Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
Back then, you know, we called it "The Great War".
It really was.
Well, anyway, the guy they wanted backed out
and now they want me. I start shooting today!
- Congratulations! - W-wait, you can't start today.
Today is the rehearsal dinner.
Oh, no, I'll be done by then.
Oh, well, then, way to go, you big movie star!
Alright, I'll see you guys over there.
I'm off to fight the Nazis.
Oh, wait, Joey!
We fought the Nazis in World War II
not World War I.
Whoa, okay.
Yeah, well, w-who was in World War I?
Go ahead.
You're going to be late, go, go!
Yeah, see you!
Who did we fight in World War I?
Mexico?
Yes, very good.
Hey, Joey, we're ready.
Yeah, me too.
Richard, we're ready for you.
Joey Tribbiani, this is Richard Crosby.
He's playing Vincent.
Wow, I'm doing my scenes with you?
- Nice to meet you, Joey. - Wow, I can't believe this.
This is incredible. I mean, you just won an Oscar.
No, I didn't.
I think you did.
I think I lost..
...three times.
- Uh, um, cookie, would you-- - No.
Okay, we're about an hour away
from getting the scene lit
so, uh, if you guys don't mind
can we run it a couple of times?
- Yeah, sure. - Okay, alright, let's do it.
[clearing throat]
(male #1) 'And...action!'
We have to find the rest of the platoon.
Forget the platoon, the platoon is gone!
- What? - The platoon is dead.
Face facts, Tony.
So what are we going to do?
We have no reinforcements, n-no food.
No, we still have food in the basement.
I saw potatoes and some dry pasta.
Hang on a minute.
Joey, you keep touching your face.
Is something wrong?
No, no.
I, uh, yeah, I thought, I thought it might be
kind of a cool character thing, you know?
He's a, he's a face-toucher.
I don't think so.
Let's take it back to Richard's last line.
'Action!'
We may not have any weapons
but we still have food in the basement.
I saw potatoes and some dry pasta
and a few tins of tuna.
Honey, we got to go!
Okay, here's a question
you never want to have to ask.
My dad just called and wanted to know
if he could borrow one of your pearl necklaces.
Did he say what kind of neckline he'd be wearing?
No.
Well, I've only met him once
but I'm guessing "plunging".
Yeah, he is more of a "If you got it, flaunt it"
kind of...father.
I don't have anything like that
but let me go see if Rachel does.
Yes, include more people in this.
Hey, do you realize that at this time tomorrow
we're going to be getting married?
Wait a minute, I have a date tomorrow night.
I just, I can't believe that we made it!
Well, you don't have to sound so surprised.
I'm sorry, but..
Nothing.
What?
Well, honestly..
...ever since we got engaged
I've been waiting for something to, to flip you out.
Honestly, me too.
- Really? - Yeah.
You know, I keep thinking that something stupid
is going to come up and I'll go all..
...well, Chandler.
- But nothing has. - Oh, I'm so glad.
Thank you so much for staying so calm during this.
I mean, it's really, it's made me stay calm.
- I could have been worse. - Okay.
I'll be right there.
[phone ringing]
[Monica on speakerphone] 'Hi, if you're calling before Saturday'
'you've reached Monica and Chandler.'
'But if you're calling after Saturday'
'you've reached Mr. and Mrs. Bing!'
'Please leave a message for...the Bings!'
- Hey, Maureen, hi! - Hey.
Gosh, hey, uh, Chandler, this is my cousin Maureen.
We're the Bings.
Hi, oh, you guys look so beautiful.
Mr. and Mrs. Bing!
Wow, Monica..
Hey, just so you know, I had my
"Older brother talk" with Chandler.
What is that?
Well, I, I told him that if he ever hurt you
I would hunt him down and kick his ass.
[laughing]
What, what is the matter with everybody?
I'm serious, I would kick his ass.
[laughing]
Oh, Ross, please, my makeup!
- Hi. - Chandler.
Mom, thanks for wearing...something.
Oh, honey, this is so exciting.
I thought we'd screwed you up so bad
this day would never come.
Oh, and just think
soon, there'll be lots of little Bings.
I can't believe I have to go back to work after this
and get spit on again.
Well, you're lucky.
At least the people that spit on you are famous.
Who spits on you?
I don't want to talk about work.
Mrs. Bing, here, these are my parents
um, Judy and Jack Geller.
It's lovely to meet you.
So, are you his mother or his father?
Jack!
What, I've never seen one before.
Dad, t-there's Ross. Why don't you go talk to him?
I didn't even have a chance
to act as though I'm okay with it.
Hello, all.
Hi, dad.
Hi, Mr. Bing.
Nora.
Charles.
I-it's so great to see you both here.
Yes.
Although I think we may be seeing
a little too much of some people.
Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that?
Don't you have a little too much penis
to be wearing a dress like that?
Oh, my God.
Of course you can kick his ass, son.
You could kick anyone's ass you want to.
Thanks, you guys.
- Oh, Rach, Rach-- - Yeah--
Hey, could you do me a favor
and would you talk to Chandler's dad
and try to keep him away from Chandler's mom?
Yeah, but I don't know what he looks like.
He is the man in the black dress.
Man in the black..
Hi, I'm Rachel.
I'm a friend of Monica and Chandler's.
I'm Amanda.
Oh, I get it.
"A-man-duh!"
[laughing]
[clinking glass]
Could I have everyone's attention, please?
Uh, I'm, uh, I'm Ross Geller.
Dr. Ross Geller!
D-dad, please.
As I was saying, um, I'm Dr. Ross Geller
uh, and I'm the best man
and, uh, this marriage
is doubly special for me
um, because not only is the groom my best friend
but, uh, the bride
is my little sister..
...and she's the greatest sister a guy could ask for.
So if you'd all please join me in raising a glass
to the, the couple we're here to celebrate..
To the Bings.
(all) To the Bings!
Hey, you know, I'm gonna go steam my wedding dress, okay?
Who wants the responsibility
of making sure nothing happens to it?
- I'll do it. - Who wants it? Anybody?
- I said I'll do it. - Nobody wants to do it?
Alright, I'll do it myself.
Monica, I'm not going to screw it up.
You know what? You're right, I'm sorry.
Yeah, actually, you were a big help tonight.
Yeah, and thanks for putting my grandmother in the cab
and making sure she got to the hotel safely.
Well, of course, that is what I'm here for.
- Okay, sorry. - Oh.
[whispering] What grandmother?
Hey, where have you been?
Uh, taking my parents back to the hotel.
What, are you going back to work?
Yeah.
Nice shades.
Thanks, yeah, I figure if I wear these in my scenes
at least I won't get spit in my eyes, you know?
And, if I remember correctly
Ray-Ban was the official sponsor of World War I.
Great!
Alright.
- I'll see you later. - Alright.
- Hey, where's Chandler? - I think he's in Rachel's room.
See ya.
Chandler.
Chandler?
[knocking]
Hey, is, uh, is Monica here?
She's steaming her dress. Why, what's up?
I think Chandler's gone.
What?
He left that.
"Tell Monica I'm sorry."
Oh, my God.
What's up?
"Tell Monica I'm sorry."
Tell her yourself.
Oh, my God.
Chandler just left though?
Yeah, but maybe it's not what we think.
Maybe it's, "Tell Monica I'm sorry
I drank the last of the milk."
Or maybe he, he was writing to tell her that
that he's changed his name, you know.
"Tell Monica I'm Sorry."
I think it means he freaked out and left!
Don't be so negative!
Good God, isn't it possible
that Sorry is sitting in there right now?
Okay, Phoebe
I-I think Ross is right.
I.. What are we gonna do?
Look, okay, I'm just gonna
I'm gonna have to go find him
and bring him back, okay?
Y-you make sure Monica does not find out, okay?
Okay, but if you don't find him and bring him back
I am going to hunt you down and kick your ass.
[laughing]
[stammering] I will, I will find him.
Eh, Joey, can you, uh, go through these lines with me?
Oh, man, they, they just redid my makeup.
Just the last two pages.
Alright.
I found the picture.
The picture? What picture?
The picture of my wife I found in your pack.
Could you, uh, could you lower the script?
I don't want to.
Well, I need to see your face
so I can, um, play off your reaction.
Okay, look, um..
I know you're this great actor
and you play all those Shakespeare guys and stuff
but you're spitting all over me, man.
Well, of course I am.
You know you've been spitting on me?
That's what real actors do.
Enunciation is the mark of a good actor.
And when you enunciate, you spit.
- Wow. Didn't know that. - Hey.
Thanks. Okay, okay, check it out.
Picture? What picture?
[spitting]
Huh?
Gunther, have you, uh, have you seen Chandler?
No, no, I haven't seen him.
Oh, damn.
He's getting married tomorrow, right?
Yes, yes. Don't worry, everything's fine.
We'll, uh, we'll see you tomorrow at the wedding.
I wasn't invited.
Well, then, we'll, we'll see you the day after tomorrow.
Mom? Dad?
Wha-what are you guys doing here?
Well, you kids talk about this place so much
we thought we'd see what the fuss is all about.
I certainly see why the girls like coming here.
Why?
The sexy blonde behind the counter.
Gunther?
Your mother just added
him to her list.
What? Y-your list?
Yeah, the list of people we're allowed to sleep--
No, no, I know, I know what the list is.
Come on, sit down, have a cup of Joe.
Look, Dad, I-I can't. I'm sorry.
Look, if you see Chandler
could you just tell him that I'm looking for him?
And if you see Rita Moreno
let her know I'm looking for her.
(male #1) 'Action.'
I found the picture.
What picture?
The picture of my wife
in your pack.
You went through my personal property?
Why do you have a picture ofPaulette in your pack?
Because, Vincent, we were lovers..
...for two years.
'Cut. Wonderful.'
Great scene, huh?
You were awesome, man.
And that last speech, you soaked me.
Thanks a lot.
Here's your call sheet for tomorrow.
Oh, I'm, I'm not working tomorrow.
You are now.
Oh, no, I can't. You got to get me out of it.
I have plans, important plans.
Ross said there's still no word from Chandler.
Oh, man.
Oh, but he did say that they found
the grandmother wandering down Fifth Avenue.
- Okay, well, there's one down. - Yeah.
- I'm getting married today! - Oh!
Think I just cracked a rib.
But I don't care because today's my wedding day!
My day is finally here!
You know, she might not even notice he's gone.
I'm going to start getting ready!
But we can't let her start getting ready.
- This is too awful. - Shh.
Oh, God, but wait, she'll be in the gown
and then, he won't show up and then she's gonna have
to take off the gown, and it's just--
Stop it, stop it, Rachel.
You can't do this here.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just, it's just so sad.
You've got to pull yourself together.
Monica can't see you like this.
Then she'll know something's wrong.
I know, I know.
God, there's no tissue.
Can you grab me some toilet paper?
Oh, that's gone too.
This is Monica's bathroom, right?
- Oh, I-I found one. - Okay.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, God.
Can I have another one?
Sure.
Do you need some floss?
Oh, God, I just cannot imagine
what is going to happen if Chandler doesn't show up.
Oh, here's a whole bunch.
Oh, I mean, she's going to be at the wedding
waiting for him and people
will be whispering, "Oh, that poor girl."
You know, and then she'll have to come back here
and live all alone.
- Oh, my God. - What?
There was a pregnancy test in the garbage
and it's positive.
Monica's pregnant.
So I guess she won't be totally alone.
(male narrator) Next time, on "Friends".
We've got to tell her that he's gone.
No! Hey, hey, we can't!
She's going to start getting ready soon.
Hey, well, can't you at least stall her a little?
I'm never gonna get married!
We've just got one short scene
it's just you and Richard
and, God knows, he's a pro.
Are you drunk?
- No! - Yes, you are.
Alright.
Hey, how's Chandler doing?
Great.
- Where are you? - I'm still on the set.
This is turning into the worst wedding day ever.
[theme music]