- Hey. - 'Hey.'
Hey, uh, Mon, I saw
the Porsche parked out front.
Can I get the keys?
I thought I'd take that bad boy
out for a little spin.
Wait a minute. You let Ross drive the Porsche?
And when I ask you, you say
you're the only one who's allowed to drive it.
Yeah, well, he's my brother.
And plus, he drives so slow, he could never hurt it.
It's a car, Monica, not a rocket ship.
Whatever, Ross.
Just replace the bulbs in the brake lights
after you're done.
- Hey. - 'Hi.'
Saw the Porsche out there, Mon, lookin' good.
When do I get to take that baby out again?
You let Joey drive it?
I've never driven it, okay?
Not once.
Okay, once.
- Okay, I drive it all the time. - Oh!
Nice work, everybody, so much for the, you know
"You can drive it, but don't tell Rachel" plan.
Wow, I can't believe you lied to me.
Okay, I can fix this.
Okay, Monica, Rachel thinks
all you can talk about is the wedding.
Great. Well, Rachel, the reason why
I won't let you drive the Porsche
is because you're a terrible driver.
There, that wasn't about the wedding.
Look, Rach, if-if you wanna go for a ride in the Porsche
I'll be glad to take you for a quick spin around the block.
Yeah, you got a couple hours?
[theme music]
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's DOA ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day your week your month ♪
♪ Or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me too-o-o ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Whoo! That was a brisk ride.
Take the top down, did you?
Only way to fly.
[laughing]
Come on, Ross, give me the keys.
Monica does not know what she's talking about.
I'm an excellent driver.
You're fast and irresponsible.
That adds up to a bad driver.
Well, in high school
that added up to head cheerleader.
Did you see the look that girl just gave me, huh?
She must have seen me cruisin' in the bad boy.
I think she's checkin' out your beehive, Ross.
What?
Give-give me a brush.
- Give me the keys. - No way!
- Well, no brush. - Fine.
You know what? It doesn't matter.
Because if I remember correctly
there is a comb on the floor of the bathroom.
Alimony.
Chandler, we still haven't gotten an RSVP from your dad.
Oh, right.
Um, maybe that's because I didn't send him an invitation.
Uh, Chandler, he's your father, he should be at your wedding.
I don't even know the man, okay?
We're not that close. I haven't seen him in years.
Well, what are you gonna do when he finds out
he wasn't even asked?
Well, he doesn't have to know.
It's not like we run in the same circles.
I hang out with you guys and he..
...stars in a drag show in Vegas.
Ooh, I think I wanna trade circles.
Trust me, you don't want him there either, okay?
Nobody's gonna be staring at the bride when the father
of the groom is wearing a backless dress.
[chuckles] So what?
As long as he's not wearing a white dress
and a veil, I don't care.
Okay, I think I need to do some shopping.
[instrumental music]
Aah!
Ooh, nice!
[Rachel screaming]
My God!
What do you think you're doing?
Just washing the windshield.
Oh..
Ow!
There is no way I am letting you drive this car.
So why don't you just hand over the keys?
Oh! Hmm.
Wha-ah-ah-ah, do-do not start this car.
[engine revving]
Okay, okay.
I will give you 20 bucks
if you get out of this car right now. Hey!
Look...Ross, if you're so freaked out just get in the car.
[scoffs] With you? Yeah, right.
Alright.
Okay, okay, okay!
What are you doing? Get in the front.
- In the death seat? - Oh.
Hey, guys.
- Hey. - Hey, sweetie.
- Ready to go? - Yeah, sure.
Ooh, I left my purse up at Monica's.
- I'll be right back. - Wait a minute.
What? Oh.
Ooh.
[chuckles]
Ooh. Whoa, that one kept going.
So you and Phoebe, huh?
How long have you been goin' out?
- Over a month. - Wow!
Maybe you and I ought to get to know each other a little better.
Sure. I'd like that.
Yeah, so, uh..
...what's your name?
- It's Jake. - Joey.
Hey, Jake, uh, do you like the Knicks?
- Yeah, big fan. - Me too.
Hey, there's a game on Tuesday. You wanna go?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Let me make sure I'm not doing anything Tuesday.
Here.
- What's this? - It's your suitcase.
We're goin' to Las Vegas.
- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.
You mean like eloping?
No more stupid wedding stuff?
No more "These flowers, or these flowers
or these flowers?" Think of the money we'll save.
We're not eloping. I love the flowers.
Can our wedding be bigger, please?
We're going to Las Vegas to see your dad.
It's time you two talked and I wanna
get to know my father-in-law.
We already went over this and I won.
No, you didn't.
Oh, and, honey, just so you know
now that you're marrying me
you don't get to win anymore.
Look, forget it, okay? I don't wanna go.
I don't wanna see him. I don't wanna.
Chandler, look, I know that your dad embarrassed you. I know--
No, no, no. All kids are embarrassed by their parents.
You'd have to come up with a whole new word
for what I went through.
When I was in high school
he used to come to all of my swim meets
dressed as a different Hollywood starlet.
You know, it's hard enough to be 14.
You're skinny, you're wearing Speedos
that your mom promised you would grow into.
And you look up into the stands, and there's your dad
cheering you on dressed as Carmen Miranda.
He was wearing a headdress with real fruit
that he will later hand out to your friends
as a healthy snack!
Hey, the point is, is that he was at
every one of your swim meets
and he was there cheering you on.
Okay, that's a, that's a pretty great dad.
He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi.
Who's Mr. Garibaldi?
Does it matter?
Look, Chandler, you're not 14 anymore, okay?
Maybe it's time that you let that stuff go.
If your father's not at your wedding
you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.
Yeah, o-okay, but I'm just doing this for you.
Yes!
So I really never get to win anymore?
How much did you ever really win before?
- Pheebs? - Hey.
Listen, you know how, uh
when you're wearin' pants and you lean forward
I check out your underwear?
Yeah.
Well, when Jake did it, I saw that..
...he was wearing women's underwear.
I know, they were mine.
Oh!
[laughing]
No, no, wait. That's weird.
No, it's not, we were just goofing around
and I dared him to try them on.
That's weird.
I'm wearing his briefs right now.
That's.. Kinda hot.
I think so too.
And that little flap?
Great for holding my lipstick.
Yeah, I wouldn't know about that.
And you know, Jake says that women's underwear
is actually more comfortable.
And he loves the way the silk feels against his skin.
Yeah, well, the next thing you know, he'll be tellin' you
that your high heels are good for his posture.
There is nothing wrong with Jake, okay?
He is all man.
I'm thinking even more than you.
Oh, yeah, he looked like a real lumberjack
in those pink lacies.
I'm just saying that only a man
completely secure with his masculinity
could walk around in women's underwear.
I don't think you could ever do that.
Hey, I am secure with my masculinity.
Okay, whatever.
You've seen my huge stack of porn, right?
♪ Where they at? Where they at? ♪
♪ If you wanna go.. ♪♪
God, I forgot how much I love driving.
I have got to get my license renewed.
You don't have a valid driver's license?
Okay, that is it. Pull over right now.
Oh, Ross, you're so tense. You've just gotta relax, okay?
Just need to relax, alright?
Just need to rela-a-x.
Wh-what are you.. Okay, that's not funny.
Just stop horsing around.
I am not horsing around, okay?
I am Porsche-ing around.
[siren wailing]
Uh-oh.
Okay, stay calm.
Nothing's gonna happen to you.
You are not in that much trouble.
Really? You think so?
I was talkin' to myself. You're goin' down!
Eh, no.
♪ Do you believe in life after love? ♪
♪ I can feel something ♪
♪ Inside me say.. ♪♪
Has someone taken your order yet?
Oh, yeah, uh, she did.
Uh, he did. She?
I-I'm sorry, I'm new, I don't..
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, I just ordered a beer.
You're straight, I get it.
I still say that if we had called your dad
we could've gotten better seats.
No, no, I don't want him to know we're here yet.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.
And besides, he's not gonna be
too happy to see me either.
Why not?
I don't know if I've told you this but he's kind of
tried to get in contact with me a lot over the last few years.
- What? - Yeah.
He's made phone calls, written letters
even came to New York.
But I always said I was too busy to see him.
You know, it's all very "Cat's In The Cradle."
I don't wanna get into it.
[instrumental music]
Here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the incomparable
'Helena Handbasket.'
[applause]
Hello, darlings.
And there's daddy.
Okay, switch places with me. Switch places with me!
Come on. I'll go under, you go over.
Yeah, I'll get right on that.
Oh! Come on, Ross!
What? No! Hey, Rach, come on!
- No, no, uh.. - Come on!
Yeah, I'm sure we won't get arrested for this.
Oh, God!
Hi, officer.
Was I goin' a little too fast?
Oh, my God.
Can I see your license please?
Oh, yes, absolutely.
You know, it's weird, uh
but I had a dream last night
that I was stopped by a policeman.
[chuckles] And then he, uh, well..
I probably shouldn't tell you the rest.
- Your license? - Yes.
[clears throat] Here you go.
Officer, uh, handsome.
- It's Hanson. - Oops, sorry. My mistake.
Dear Lord!
- Wow! - Here it comes.
This is a great picture.
Ah!
Really? You think so?
You know, I had just rolled right outta bed.
Yeah? Well, you look phenomenal.
Well, she should. It was taken ten years ago!
You know, you're-you're probably, um..
...probably wonderin' about the old date on there.
'Yes, I am.'
You're an Aquarius, huh?
I bet you're a Gemini.
- Nope. - Taurus?
Nope.
- Virgo? - Nope.
- Sagittarius? - Yup.
I knew it! I knew it! Aah!
- Well, I'll tell you what. - Yeah?
- You not gonna speed anymore? - I won't speed.
'And you promise you'll get this taken care of right away?'
I promise.
In the meantime, you better let him drive.
- Does he have a license? - Yeah.
- Can he handle a stick? - Uh, well..
I can handle a stick!
[piano music]
♪ I feel pretty ♪
♪ Oh so pretty ♪
♪ I feel pretty and witty and.. ♪
♪ Gay ♪
That can't be your father.
Believe me, I've been saying that for years.
- Oh, my God! - What?
That's Mr. Garibaldi playing the piano.
♪ For I'm loved by a pretty ♪
♪ Wonderful boy ♪♪
[audience cheering]
Hello, and welcome to the show.
I see some of our regulars in the audience.
And a couple of...irregulars.
[audience laughing]
He's coming into the audience. He's coming into the audience.
- Relax, you'll be fine. - Yeah.
Oh, much better. You're invisible now.
And where are you from?
Bakersfield.
- I'm sorry? - Bakersfield.
No, no, I heard.
I'm just sorry.
[audience laughing]
It can't happen like this, okay? I'll meet you back at the hotel.
Oh, look, a standing ovation already, so early in the show.
Well, turn around, darling.
Let me see your pretty face.
[music continues]
Can we have our drinks, please? Uh, waiter.. Uh, tress.
- Hey, Pheebs. - Hey.
Check it out.
Huh?
How much of a man am I?
Wow, nice!
Manly, and also kind of a slut.
You know, I'm beginnin' to see what Jake was talkin' about.
- Uh-huh. - The silk...feels really good.
Yeah, and-and things aren't as smashed down
as I thought they were gonna be.
That's great, Joe.
Yeah, and you have so many more choices than you do
with men's underwear.
Bikini, French cut, thong.
And-and the fabrics, you got cotton, silk, lace.
And you know what I've always wondered about?
Pantyhose!
You know, the way they start at your toe
and then they go all the way up to..
I should go take these off, shouldn't I?
I think it's important that you do.
Hmm.
So what's your name?
Chandler.
What an unusual name.
You must've had terribly fascinating parents.
Oh, they're a hoot.
And who is your friend?
I'm-I'm Monica.
Monica. Where are you from?
New York.
I'm not very fond of New York.
Queens I like.
Ooh, what is this
sparkling somethin', honey, huh?
(all) Ooh!
Actually, Monica and I are engaged.
Really?
Congratulations.
When's the big day?
In-in two weeks.
I see.
Well, I wish you both..
...a lifetime of happiness.
So you're bald.
Wait, wait.
We'd really love it if you could be there.
Really?
Hmm.
I know it would make me happy..
...ma'am.
Then I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Oh, I'm gettin' all misty here.
[chuckles] You'd think I was..
...havin' my legs waxed or somethin'.
[mellow music]
You okay?
Yeah.
Thanks for making me do this.
Before we go on with the show
I just wanna say to the bride and groom
how lucky they are to have found each other.
'In every life, a little rain must fall.'
Fortunately...in my life..
[upbeat music]
♪ It's raining men ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪ ♪ Amen ♪
When I was growing up, I..
...played the one on the far left.
♪ It's raining men ♪
♪ Amen ♪♪
[horn honking]
You know what? Remind me to introduce you to someone.
- Who? - Fourth gear.
[siren wailing]
What? What does he want?
I wasn't doing anything.
Well, maybe he saw your hand slip briefly
from the 10 and 2 o'clock position.
Maybe it's, uh, Sergeant Sagittarius
coming back to flirt some more.
It's a different guy.
[sighs]
Good evening, officer.
Do you know how fast you were traveling back there?
Uh, no, I don't, but it-it could not have been more than 60.
You're right, it was 37.
[laughing]
I mean, you're not gonna give me a, uh, a ticket
for driving too slow, are you?
That's right.
You know, o-officer, I, uh..
...I had the weirdest dream last night.
[chuckles] Oh, my God!
Your license, please?
You don't.. You don't wanna
hear, uh, about my dream..
...Officer...Pretty?
It's Petty.
I'll be right back with your ticket.
- You have a son. - I know, I know.
- You feel better? - Yeah. Much.
Listen, uh..
...not that I'm, you know, insecure about my manhood
or anything, you know?
But, uh..
...I think I need to hook up with a woman, like, right now.
- Yeah, I understand. - Yeah.
Okay.
Hey. Hi.
- Hi. - You know, you look familiar.
Do I know you from somewhere?
I don't think so.
Oh, maybe it's because I'm on television.
I'm an actor on "Days Of Our Lives."
- Wow! Really? - Mm-hmm.
- 4.50, please. - Oh, lemme get this.
These are for you.